Blinded By Love? How to Combat the Influence of Modern Dating on Teens | S6 E26

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You can tell what kind of guy a girl likes based on their dessert selections. Interesting. So what does that mean? I lied. There's no study. I was gonna say. Well, what does that mean? Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis, and I'm Steve Alessi. Today, you're gonna love this podcast because I'm in the studio with, let's hand claps Gabrielle Alessi. Hello, everybody. This is for Gabby. Hello. Hello. Oh, hello. Hello. First question, Gabby. What's your favorite chocolate? Not that one. I like dark chocolate, but I'll have it for right If it's like a Halloween candy chocolate, then it's gonna be Reese's. I'm not gonna give you yours because you can't eat with your or talk with your mouth full. That's true. It's not appropriate. I will save them for me here because I think you're gonna be doing a lot of talking. I will be. And I'll be listening. Well, tech not really. I'll be asking you a lot of questions. Alright. Second question. What's your favorite dessert? I like a either like a brownie with a okay. It's the bonsai brownie from Flanagan's. Oof. That's my favorite Yeah. Dessert because it's brownie with a massive 2, 3 massive vanilla ice cream scoops. And then on top on the sides to hold the ice cream up are Kit Kats. Oh. And I love and Oreos. That one, I love. I asked you that question because what they said over in one study is that you can tell what kind of guy a girl likes based on their dessert selections. Interesting. So what does that mean? I lied. There's no study. I keep studying. I was gonna say. Well, what does that mean? And I don't want it's this isn't about me. Sweet. Just not too sweet. There you go. This isn't about me. This is actually, we wanna talk about dating today, dad. That's exact see how I ran right up into that? Yes. You did. Good job. So why don't you tell us a little about this subject matter, why it came to be, while I enjoy a, Kisses. That's okay. Because this is getting weird. But we I wanted to actually I asked you if we could do this podcast together because about 2, 3 weeks ago, I spoke to the youth and we had a whole series. The entire month of February was called the Rizzology series. Do you know what Riz is? Oh, no. Okay. So Riz is like a very famous thing that kids are throwing around today. Like, do you have Riz? Riz. Riz. Now, dad, I can tell you, you definitely have Riz because you got mom 30 years ago. Yep. Riz is like game. Oh. So, like, you got game. Can you pick a girl up? Then if you can, you have riz and all of that. So, like, you riz them up. So what we did was rizology, the study of dating, love, and relationships. Oh, come on. So that was the whole idea of the series. And then week 2, we talked about dating. And I I had a a message where we we talked about it. We introduced it, and it was really, really good. The kids really responded to it. But I thought, you know, I'd love to have, like, a continuation of this conversation and not just because there's a lot of things when it comes to dating that we can't really address. Not not we can't really address, but we don't have all the time in the world to address it because a lot of it is detailed. And so I thought, you know, I'd love to sit with with you and ask you some of these questions, but when it comes to teenagers Right. Dating in the teenage world because teenagers today are wanting to know when can they date. And I want to date and I wanna text this person, and I I like this person. And how is it all gonna work out? But frankly, they've been given terrible examples of how to do it today. Yeah. Coffee break. Ready? Go. Coffee break. Okay. Go. That's so hot. I know. Wow. I couldn't kept talking while you good in my family business mug. Yeah. You know, you and your sister, Lolo, Gab, Stephanie too, and you got mom in it. Yeah. But you like these goofy TV shows We do. On dating? Love is blind. Yeah. The most recent one is love is blind. Yeah. I try to watch it with you, but my manhood just won't. It can't survive. Can't survive. I've tried, you know, one episode, half a episode, quarter of an episode. And I'm like, Yeah. This is the stupidest thing. It really is. But watching it, they put it on television. Mhmm. And I don't know how many young people watch it, but it's evidently pretty popular. So somebody is taking an interest in it because they keep showing these shows. Mhmm. What's the traditional dating relationship look like, Gaps? Today. Today. So what you're finding is it's you text, you talk, you DM. Most likely, the introduction's all gonna be via your phone. So what you don't see today, which is interesting because girls complain about it, but girls don't do anything about it because girls don't realize they do have a part to play. Mhmm. But they complain that guys aren't making the first move in person. Mhmm. So how we hear stories of our grandparents, how you went up to mom and you were like, hey. I wanna take you out. You don't have that. Guys aren't walking up to girls. They're DM'ing them. They're sliding into their DMs or they're texting them to ask them out. So you did air quotes when you said slide. People can't see the air quotes. So what's sliding into their DMs? Sliding into your DMs is me messaging you like, hey. How you doing in the DMs? And so you slid into my DMs. Right. And then you started a conversation. Right? So a lot of the beginning of a relationship today is phone based. And then it gets out of the, probably, out of the phone and then they start dating and they go out. If you're a teenager, most likely, because teenagers aren't getting their licenses very at the appropriate age now too. They're waiting. So that means if you're going on a date, lord knows who's taking you out. You have to ask your mom to drive you, but people are going out. And then within the 1st month, you're probably sleeping together. But we're if we're looking at Love is Blind, let's look at Love is Blind. Right? That age group, which is in their thirties. They're probably sleeping together a one night stand or they try it before you buy it. Right? So you wanna see how it is before you actually get married because that's gonna be your partner for life. And then they'd probably go from dating probably 2 years and then they decide, okay, the next step is let's move in together. Instead of getting married, let's move in together. Then they'd move in together, and maybe they're together 2, 3, 4 years, whatever it looks like, because for some reason, living together, even though you are doing exactly what marriage is, which is living together in the same home, living together is much easier, and it just works better for us than getting married. Mhmm. So instead of you date, right, it's, what is it? Like, Mary and Steve kissing in a tree, k I s s I n g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then baby. Now you're saying it's love, then let's move in together, then maybe even a baby, and then there's marriage. So the order is is completely all over the place. Yeah. And that's the example that kids are getting today. Yeah. Kinda crazy. It is. You know, that's the thing that causes some of the older adults in the room to just scratch their heads and sit sit back and say, what are you doing? Yeah. Because all of that, you're you're giving away so much of something. It's like the groceries. You just give it all away. Yeah. And then later ask somebody to pay for it. Because when you're getting married, marriage is just a whole buy in. I just can't go into a marriage discounting the commitment that it's going to take them to make this relationship work. Mhmm. It's a whole buy in deal. And you're in it hook, line, and sinker in marriage. You can't walk in and say, well, I'm a reserve keep some of this reserved for myself and expect to have a hap happy marriage. No. The reason marriage is so complicated and challenging is because you keep giving of yourself fully and expecting some kind of return from or response from the person. And you it's not usually it's usually it's not the response you want. So that that's just some of the conflicts Yeah. That what goes into making marriage so challenging. But yet it's so rich and reward. Because marriage is about giving yourself fully, wholly, a 100%, a 100%. Dating, living together is 5050. Yeah. And you can't be complete 5050. No. Something's gonna be lacking somewhere. It's gotta be a 100, 100. Yeah. So what they think, what some young adults think is going to bring them the true value of moving in together or better yet, what the relationship is gonna give them by moving in together never gives them what ultimately they're looking for. And what's sad about that is you shortchange the relationship. And this could be somebody that you could go to long haul with. The long run, run with this thing, keep it in play. It could be your future. But people don't know that because they're not going into it a 100 100. They're only going into it with a part of themselves. Because when you move in, you're not 1. Mhmm. You're not one single entity when you just move in. When you're married, you're 1. Bible even says the 2 become 1. Yeah. When you just move in together, you're not 1. So you still got 2 individuals. Yeah. 2 individual each paying their own part, contributing their own part, but it's not the whole. Yeah. So that that's more young adults. But what about from a teenage perspective? Because a lot of this that you're dealing with Yeah. Is the teenage. Yeah. I think it's, obviously, you're not seeing 16 year olds move in together. Right? But you are seeing and if we're looking at, like, what movies promote, you do see a lot of, like, the the first or like, it's the first kiss, and then it's even, like, giving of your virginity to somebody. So, like, you're seeing that happen at a younger age. You're seeing kids have sex at a younger age because that's, like, the pressures that they're finding. Yeah. And and I'll tell you Talk to break. I know. Our youth group is is really awesome and our kids, like, the kids that we have in our our church are Kiss. Kiss. The kids that we have in our church are really incredible, but the environments that they're in, the schools that they're in, it is a very, like, common thing of, like, oh, you go and make out and you go and give of yourself to somebody and you're very physical with them at a young age. And then if you're not doing that, you're seen as like, what is wrong with you? Like, this is just so normal. Yeah. And so the question and this is something that I really wanted to ask you because you've done it. The question comes down to, okay. Well and you find all kids ask this. We probably asked you this. At what age can I start dating? Because kids wanna know I mean, you start having crushes when you're little and you think you have, like, your first crush is either a celebrity or maybe it's someone in your school and your your mind is already like, your heart's already opening up to that and you're kind of thinking about that. But what is a good age or what is a good season? In youth group, I I kind of told them one thing, but I'm like, I wanna I wanna know what What did you tell them? So my advice was I did not choose an age because I personally think if I gave them an age, then they're gonna immediately Mhmm. Not listen to it. Yeah. But what I told them was if you're wanting to date, then you have to ask yourself 2 questions. Are you ready for marriage? Number 1, are you ready for marriage? And number 2, are you ready for heartbreak? Reason being is is dating is going to end in those two ways. Mhmm. It's either going to end and you marry that person, or it's going to end and you're heartbroken from that person. Right. And you just have to be prepared for both of those options. Mhmm. So that was my stance on it. That's what the position that I took. You think it was a popular stance? I didn't get any backlash. I did hear a 6th grade girl said, I'm ready for marriage. A 6th grade girl. So she really liked it. But Well, that's great. I wish some of our young kids like that would already start dreaming of marriage. Yes. Yeah. You know, if I'm parent raising teenagers again, the complication that we have is society and culture says let them date when they wanna date. And society also looks at parents who have kids that are dating and they think it's pretty normal. Mhmm. Let them date. It's it's innocent. It's just the date. And at one point, that may have been the case. But I could tell you all the adult men that may listen to this podcast, they knew that when they were 15 14, 15, 16, they knew there was one thing going through their brain, their mind. They're with all that testosterone starting to rise itself up, you put them alone with somebody that they're attracted to, they're gonna be tempted to want to partake of that. Mhmm. And the danger of that is, of course, somebody stepping into the responsibilities of a relationship way too soon. Yeah. Because sex is something that should be preserved for a committed relationship that is in marriage. So if if I'm asked to, you know, raise teenagers today, I think I'm looking at this. Number 1 is, are they responsible? If because we we we don't wanna put, I'd like to say, you know what? It's 16. Yeah. For y'all, I used to think in terms of 16. Mhmm. Thankfully, nobody was really tempted at that point. You gave us 18, though. But I I was gonna say, so my mind shifted to 18. Yeah. Just be thinking about at 18, could you have a friend, you know, that's, you know, a guy as a girl? Could you have a friend? That's a guy. Yeah. Could could you all see each other at church and hang out and stuff like that? Yeah. That was cool. Before, you know, when you're 16, 17. But then when you're 18, I felt like, okay, now is when it's good for you to step into a dating relationship because and it goes back to that one question. Are they responsible enough? Mhmm. Now you were driving for 2 years, so you learned responsibility with a vehicle on the road and so forth. I would have rather you learn to be responsible with a car, and you may It's true. Blow a tire. We can fix that. You may burn an engine because you didn't check the oil light. We can fix that. Mhmm. Losing your virginity, that's something I couldn't fix. So I'd rather as a teenager, when I'm looking at them thinking, let them be responsible with a car. Let me see how they live their life with a car before they get into a dating relationship. Yeah. Because in a dating relationship, you gotta ask why they're getting into it. Do is it because they they need to feel like they are, somebody? Yeah. Well, you shouldn't live your life needing the approval of another person. That makes you feel like you're somebody or not. Yeah. And if you start that as a young child, well, I want my my my daughter to have a boyfriend because it it makes their self esteem rise. Yeah. Well, that's the wrong wrong thing to do. Yeah. You don't want it to be that. You want it to be because she looks in the mirror and says, hey. I'm confident. Yep. I'm I'm happy with myself. I see that I'm created this way, and I'm gonna be the best version of myself. Yep. They don't need makeup tell them they're looking beautiful. They don't need a guy to tell them they're looking beautiful. You know, they don't even need grades to tell them that there's somebody special. Yeah. They've gotta find that in themselves. And when they're secure, then they make better decisions. So here's here's my thought. I'm looking at my child as a teenager, and I'm asking, are they responsible enough to handle a relationship? Yeah. Are they responsible enough to say, yeah. I may feel these this sexual attraction Yeah. To this opposite sex that I'm with in the car by myself. Yeah. But can I control myself? Yeah. Because responsibility is making right decisions based on choices that are before you. Yeah. And you control self. Self doesn't control you. So it's not just that I want them to go sit next to each other in a movie. No. It's I want them to be responsible. I want my child, teenager, to be responsible with making right choices. Which then means, how do I know they're responsible? Well, when I asked them to get off their phone Yeah. Are they getting off their phone? If not, then I'm saying they're not responsible. It's true. They're not ready to handle a relationship if they can't handle the phone. No. Are they responsible by not playing games too much? Yeah. If they're playing more games than they are getting their homework done Yep. Then I'm wondering, hey, they're not ready for this. No. Do they clean their room? Do they make their bed? Are they taking care of their little space? Yep. Do they contribute around the house with chores? Yep. Are they responsible in things like that? K. That's all showing me as a father parent whether my child's ready to handle something like a date. Yeah. So I would love to say 18 because that's a real sign of responsibility, age wise. But that's what I'm looking at Yeah. The whole way. So you wanna date? Show me you're responsible. I really like that. And I think another sign for a good, like, okay. Your your child might be ready is how they communicate. So something that I mentioned even in on that Friday night with the youth is people say, like, communication is key for relationships. Right? And they they frame it as communication is key with your partner. So with the opposite sex, you have to communicate and they're right. But I would even say communication with your community is also key about that relationship. So when I'm looking at a student or even my future kids, I would be looking at them saying, do they or or do we have a relationship where they can feel like they can communicate with me and be honest with me about what they're going through? So something that I've always valued about our relationship and me and mom is that I have never obviously, you feel nervous But when I tell you guys something, there's always a a great understanding on both sides, and we're very open. Our family is an open book. We talk about everything with each other, And I think that's a healthy thing for a ace of a kid or a teenager. If they're wanting to date, then are they telling you things? Are they communicating with you? Are they having open dialogue? Like you said, if they're on their phone and you say, hey. Can I see what's on your phone? Are they willing to show their phone freely and to hand it over, or are they freaking out because they need to hide it? Because if they're freaking out and wanting to hide things or not telling you things, they are not in the place to date. They are not in the place. Secret apps that are doing all this stuff on their feet. Accounts. Dad, there are so many private accounts on Instagram that parents don't even know about, that their kids have 2 or 3 different private accounts that they're able to message people and talk to their friends. And that's the thing. If your kid's wanting to do that, if you have something that you're wanting to hide, it's not good for you. Never. So if they're hiding it from you, they're not in the place to be in a relationship because that's just gonna hurt them. They're gonna hurt that person. There might be your kid might be in a relationship and you don't even know about it because they're they are full of just, I'm gonna keep it to myself. Gabs, I wish parents could understand this. Your kids are feeding off of your I I wanna be careful using this term because it may come off as very new agey, but your energy. Mhmm. Your flow as a parent. Yeah. If it's like a horse. If I walk up to a horse and I'm nervous, that horse picks up on it. Yeah. It's crazy. Right? But if I'm confident, then the horse responds and knows, okay, wait a minute. Don't mess around with this person. Right? Parents don't realize that there's something that their kids are picking up on, and kids are bound. They're just it's it's part of who they are. They're gonna stretch the boundaries a little bit. Yeah. They're gonna push up against them. It's in them. Later on in life, it may serve them well. It's up to a parent to make sure that they respect the boundaries. So if a mom and dad is very permissible Yeah. In their approach to dating, to helping their kids with homework, school, permissible. Meaning just giving the kid permission to make their choices. Yeah. Rather than the parent being strong and giving guidance to their kid Yeah. With their phone and everything, then that's going to make a child, a teenager, push even harder Yeah. To get their way. If a parent doesn't stand up and show them that, no, you may want your way but you can't get your way right now. That's gonna be a pattern that a child carries into adulthood. Mhmm. And that's gonna cause them some some trouble. Yeah. So I believe the parent is the protection of every child. And they can't turn their child over too quickly to somebody else in a dating relationship. Yeah. You lose control. Yeah. One thing I I just remember growing up. Man, I start dating my first girlfriend, and papa and grandmommy were jealous because they felt like I wanted to spend more time with her family than I did my own them, as my parents. They thought I liked her their father more than I like my own father. And her father was a football guy and papa never was a football guy. And, yeah, I'd go over their house, and the mom wanted to make me happy. So she was feeding me all the time Oh my god. And giving me food. And she was in catering, and so it was always food. And her father would be at the football game more than my own father. Oh my god. Because he would he loved it. He'd wanna talk to me, what I did right, what I could have done better. And I loved hanging out. So when a parent starts to watch their kids date Yeah. You know, the the the kids just they fall head into it. Your teenager, once they find somebody else, their whole world Yeah. Is like orbiting around this particular person. Yeah. So then we have young kids in school. They're thinking more of their boyfriend or girlfriend than they are their teacher in their class. Yeah. So it gets their eyes off of that. If the kids want to be in sport, you think your kid's gonna be really good and they're a part of a team. Mhmm. They're not thinking about that team there as much as they're thinking about that kid Yeah. That they wanna date. It it instinctually, they just go wholeheartedly into it. And the danger of that is because they haven't developed the decision making abilities, knowing right from wrong, self discipline, self control, because they don't know that, they can go head over heels, full headlong into it Yep. And give something away of their emotions, their sexuality, and such, and they can't get it back. Yep. Because you gave that stuff away. Why do that to a teenager? No. And why add experience that's not helpful to you? You know? Like, if you're dating after 18, that's good you're you're gonna get into it. You might date somebody at 18, and it doesn't work out. And you know what? That's okay. It's good experience for you. Don't give away too much of yourself. Keep your boundaries. Like, do not sleep with that person and tell yourself that I am not gonna go over this boundary. Right? Mhmm. It's okay. You know, you have to deal with the heartbreak. You gotta handle the heart, whatever it is. That's good experience because you can learn from that experience because it happened at a good season of your life. The experience that you have dating in high school, that's not good experience. That's not experience that's not days or or a history that you want in your life. You just don't want, and that's why we call it that you don't want that baggage. Yeah. It's it's worthless. It's not needed for your life. Well, I I do like your advice. You gotta either be ready for marriage Mhmm. Or heartbreak. Yeah. That was that's really deep. And if we if you don't mind, just expound a little on what you mean by that. Yeah. K? So how could a teenager be thinking about marriage? So I think I think, first of all, we need to have a respect and reverence of marriage, and we have to understand that when you date, the goal of dating, and let's go back to what dating is about. Dating, it's a period of time where you're getting to know the opposite sex for the goal of marrying them, for the the purpose of marrying them. You don't date to date. We say that all the time. You don't just date them just to have a boyfriend. You don't date them to have a girlfriend. You don't do it, like you said earlier, to make yourself feel good. You don't do it because you're the cool guy on campus because now you got a girlfriend. That's always gonna end where you're hurting somebody. You date somebody because you are looking to be married one day. So that's where I I say I ask the question of, are you ready for marriage? The other side of it is, because it's 5050 when you get into a relationship with somebody, is you will most likely experience heartbreak if you're getting into a relationship because you don't know if it's gonna work out. It doesn't mean that the person is going to be bad or you're bad. It just hey. Things just don't work out all the time like you want. And so in your mind, those are 2 pivotal things that you're gonna walk through in your life, marriage and your first heartbreak or any heartbreak. And you just wanna be mindful when you're going into it. Ask yourself, can I marry this person? Can I see myself with this person? Can I see my life with them? Do our values align? You know? Does my does my dad like him? Does my mom like him? Do my siblings like him? Do my friends like him? Ask yourself the question. Look at what he believes in and what he's striving for. Look at what you are, and and is it the same? Can it can it work together? Is it aligned? And ask yourself if you can see this person in your in your future. Once you've answered that question, and if it's a yes, right, then ask yourself the second one. I don't think it's ask yourself one of these questions. I think you need to answer both of them. Mhmm. Because it is 5050, and you need to be prepared that it might not work out. And you need to see if your heart is ready for that. And for girls out there, even for guys Yeah. If you are terrified of the thought of them not being in your life anymore, of them not texting you in the morning, of them not going out with you, and them not giving you attention because that's how breakups work. You should not talk to that person. Like Yeah. The relationship's over. Right? If that thought alone crumbles or or makes you crumble and you just freak out, then you should not get into that relationship because that might happen. Mhmm. And you don't want everything you've worked on. This is what I've struggled with, and you've told us girls this. We have worked on so much in our own lives to to be the girls that we are. We've worked on our on our confidence and our security in our lives, and we've had stupid struggles of who am I and what am I gonna be, and we have found who we are. We're confident in ourselves. We're gonna let 1 guy Yep. Come in and ruin that for us. Yep. We're gonna let 1 guy tear down everything that I've built, everything that you've instilled in us, you and mom have instilled in us. No. I'm not gonna do that. Now at 16, I could not say that. Yeah. At 16, I would have crumbled. Thank God I was ugly at 16 years old, and I was not in the season of dating. You weren't ugly. Oh, I had a couple extra pounds. You know, we remember that, Deb. Yeah. But thank God Pre gorgeous. I like that. Yeah. I like that makes me feel better about myself. I was pre gorgeous. Pre gorgeous. And then it I got gorgeous at, like, 21. It took a long A long time. See that confidence coming out of you? I got gorgeous. I got gorgeous. No. But It's a t shirt. I got gorgeous. But at 16 years old, I wouldn't have been ham been able to handle. I would have held on to a relationship just because there was confidence that he gave me. Mhmm. Just because he liked me. Coming from the wrong place. So that's where you have to ask. If you're if you are falling apart just at the thought of losing that person Yeah. Just be friends. Yeah. And so somebody says, well, they're only 14, so I can't expect them to be thinking of marriage or heartbreak. Well, at 14, be thinking about heartbreak. Yeah. Yes. But that's why we say don't let them date at 14 or 15 Yeah. Or 16. I know it's it's going again against going against culture. It's going against maybe what somebody's, you know, upbringing was. Yeah. But it's you gotta think long term today with our kids preserving and protecting, teaching them responsibility. Mhmm. What they do at this young age in their teens really does influence what happens when they get their twenties. Yeah. It's it is a, a great training ground for them to get better, which in dating, it's just a big part of it. So you're not gonna believe it, Gabby. 30 minutes has already passed. How do we do that? It's a good subject. It's a good subject. Now we've done this early on, mom and I, a couple of seasons ago. We talked about dating from a parent's perspective. Yeah. But I'm glad today you were able to add to it what a young adult would like to be said Yeah. To the younger generation behind them. So that's pretty much it. Anything else you wanna say before we go? No. That is it. Alright. Well, we wanna thank you for watching another episode and listening to another episode of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. Take care. 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