Family Feuds: How to Get Along with Your Family Even When You're Frustrated | S6 E24

Steve Alessi [00:00:00]:
Now I

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:00:00]:
mean, I'll kill him

Mary Alessi [00:00:02]:
She

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:00:02]:
tomorrow and tell God he died.

Steve Alessi [00:00:06]:
Out attack. Out attack.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:00:08]:
Had a out attack.

Steve Alessi [00:00:19]:
Hello. Welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. I'm here in the podcast booth again with Mary Alessi, my wonderful wife, and her mother, my mother-in-law, doctor Faith Frederick. We affectionately simply refer to her as mom. Before we get into this episode because she's she's actually the one that's going to start this episode.

Mary Alessi [00:00:44]:
No idea what's

Steve Alessi [00:00:45]:
gonna happen here. Right into a quarter when they

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:00:48]:
said Oh.

Steve Alessi [00:00:49]:
Cut from the last episode that we taped. She's gonna help us out deal with something in just a minute. So let me do this, though. We have been asking the Alessis are asking our audience a couple of questions. We asked originally what issue will have the biggest impact on who you will vote for, and we kinda dealt with that in our last podcast together. But here's a question I wanna ask you. As it pertains to this election year and you preparing yourself, if you are a voting citizen of these United States, here's the question I wanna ask you. What is the most important social issue influencing your vote? What is the most important social issue that is going to influence who you vote for as a presidential candidate in this election year.

Steve Alessi [00:01:40]:
Now if you get us your answer, we need it to be done by the end of March. If you do so, I got a great Alessi family business podcast Yes. Mug that we would like to go ahead and send you. So we will go ahead and pull all the names in there and pull out a little raffle and see who will win one of our mugs. Alright. That's for you to join us because the LSCs wanna hear from you. Yes. Alright.

Steve Alessi [00:02:05]:
We finished our last podcast, and my mother-in-law looked over at me and says, what was the question, Mary?

Mary Alessi [00:02:12]:
Oh my goodness. How can we I'm scared.

Steve Alessi [00:02:16]:
Oh, you do? Ask the She wants to talk get along?

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:02:20]:
How she wants

Mary Alessi [00:02:21]:
to talk about how families can get along.

Steve Alessi [00:02:23]:
How can families get along? And since this is a family business podcast Yep. Where family is everybody's business. Do you know that tagline? You know what it means? It means if we don't deal with our business, then everybody's gonna know our business.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:02:37]:
Yeah. Well, you just Right. Gave the subject away. That's true. Absolutely. That's right. That's where our whole If you don't take care of your business, then everybody's gonna know you. But and today, it could be all over social media.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:02:49]:
Yep. It could change your life, change your career. Yep. Damn your soul.

Steve Alessi [00:02:54]:
Alright. So, lady, how does family get along?

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:02:59]:
Well, in this society, today, when you say family, you have to discuss in for many families, a great big extended family because you have first, second marriages. You have kids from different True. Fathers. So the enlarge really enlarge thing. But let's just pretend that we're all one and just say from the standpoint of getting along, what what are the obviously, we know the benefits of getting along, but what is the expectation? I think that's where we go wrong our expectation. And I Thank you, miss. Ministry today, have been for many, many years, but I find that that's the main thing. I cannot understand people who go their child gets married, and from the get go, they don't like the spouse.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:03:54]:
Right. And don't mind let it be known and so forth.

Mary Alessi [00:03:57]:
Right.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:03:58]:
There again, let me say moving far ahead. If we don't sow as the Bible talks about sow to righteousness, if we don't sow to peace, if we don't try to sow and seek answers for that, it's just gonna compound and get bigger and bigger. And as children come along, just becomes more complex. But grandparents, be smart. You need your children and you're gonna get old. No. Yes. You're gonna get old.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:04:27]:
We don't know what's gonna happen and who's gonna be there. That's right. Who's gonna be there? I I saw this, the other day, this interview, and I just kinda got in on the middle of it. But the host asked the guest, said, you have are your parents alive? He said, well, my dad is. He said, well, how often do you see your dad? He said, well, he lives in Florida, and I live somewhere else. And he said, I probably see him twice a year. He said, how old is your dad? He said he's 75. He said, well, how long do you think he's gonna live? Well, probably to 85 or whatever.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:05:03]:
But, also, he said, okay. If you see your father twice a year, you have 10 years left. Yep. You have how many visits that you're going to make to your father?

Mary Alessi [00:05:13]:
That's right.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:05:14]:
And the guy was stunned. He said, that's 20 times I'm ever gonna see my father again. Yeah. See, it's perspective.

Steve Alessi [00:05:23]:
Yeah. Well, what what I do appreciate is, the influence over the years or the intentionality, I should say, of our commitment to family has, really given us what we have today with our family. Yes. And, early on, I remember you having, as Mary and I were just starting out with our kids. I was working for my parents, so I'm surrounded by my parents all the time because my dad was my boss. He was my father. He was my pastor. So I was around them all the time, but you were up in Orlando.

Steve Alessi [00:05:57]:
Mhmm. I guess, a year after Mary and I married, you moved back to Orlando, and you had a place over in New Smyrna. So we couldn't afford anything. Right? So we couldn't go on vacations.

Mary Alessi [00:06:09]:
No. That's good.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:06:09]:
But

Steve Alessi [00:06:09]:
yet you had that place in New Smyrna. So we would put the kids in the car, and we'd go up, and it was right on the beach. And, like, we loved that Daytona beach feel where cars are driving on the beach. And for years, it was so instrumental in helping Mary and I just keep building rapport and relationship and staying close and doing the whole family thing. Because family's always been a priority for us. Now just because it's been a priority doesn't mean it doesn't have its challenges. Because all of us have, even bible days, you'll see that you had the prodigal son who had a very envious older brother who didn't love him, like, for some reason, the younger

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:06:55]:
brother Had an offense. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:06:57]:
Which could be understandable. Yeah.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:06:59]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:06:59]:
Because I'd get pretty ticked too if I'm being pretty much perfect to my mom and dad, and my younger brother bails and only comes back and seems to get celebrated. I understand that. That can cause some conflict. Only bring reason of bringing it up is if it's in Bible, it's in life.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:07:14]:
Yeah. It's in life. Well, I think the the subject the the point there is how easy it is to get an offense and and feel justified in that offense. But you there again, you have to look down the road. Where is that offense gonna lead me?

Mary Alessi [00:07:29]:
Right.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:07:29]:
What what's it gonna get me? And I ask everybody to ask yourself, the way you treat your family, the way you interact, the way all the stuff that there's there, where is it gonna lead you in 10 years? Right. Are you gonna be better? Are you gonna be in better relationship? What about your children that are looking at you and following you and you never have a good word to say about the in law Yeah. Or someone else. Where just ask yourself, where is that gonna get me? Well, we'll move to another country or somewhere else, and we'll just say to heck with everybody.

Mary Alessi [00:08:00]:
Which people are doing.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:01]:
Yes. They are. There is actually a scenario, and it's got a name.

Mary Alessi [00:08:05]:
Just give them

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:06]:
away from

Mary Alessi [00:08:06]:
my family.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:07]:
Well

Mary Alessi [00:08:07]:
deal with it.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:08]:
Okay. Okay. But where's that gonna lead you in 10 years?

Steve Alessi [00:08:12]:
Those are called

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:12]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:08:13]:
Get away from family vacations.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:15]:
But permanent ones.

Steve Alessi [00:08:16]:
Those are permanent ones. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:08:17]:
But you know what? I the statement you just said, where's that gonna get you in 10 years? I think what a generation, the mistake they make is they don't think in the in the framework of generations and time.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:30]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:08:31]:
And when you're in your twenties thirties, all you think about is your twenties thirties and what you're driving at and what you're doing. And if you have a parent that you feel like puts pressure on you or you have issues with let me just say, we're not talking about toxic families because we have podcasts all about what to do with toxic relationships. We're just talking about getting along.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:51]:
Yes. Even just normal families

Mary Alessi [00:08:52]:
that don't have toxic issues, just getting along. And staying

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:08:55]:
away from a fence.

Mary Alessi [00:08:57]:
Yeah. Because it's important to do that. And one of the ways you do that is from the younger generation. If you're young, just respect your older parent that they do know some stuff. They've been down the road. There's some regrets they have. And then from the older parent, and one of the things I always appreciated about you, mom, and it's just now that it's coming into full revelation for me because you gotta get to that season to fully understand, oh, that's why my mom did what she did. And thank God she did what she did.

Mary Alessi [00:09:27]:
But when we were in our twenties thirties and we were pounding the pavement and building our careers and our ministry and building it all, you didn't add pressure to our lives. You looked at our lives and you saw, man, Steve and Mary have a lot on their plate. They've got 4 kids. I'm not gonna add pressure. What can I do to be a blessing? So even the holidays, you lighten up the load. 1 of the friends in our church, I love what he said. He goes, Listen, I've got a big family. I have a lot of kids.

Mary Alessi [00:09:51]:
I'd love to have my family together at the holidays. But one way to keep us all along getting along is I say, you know what? Do what you want for the holidays. Give me New Year's Eve. But for my birthday, I'm paying for all of us to go away. Every one of my birthdays, I'm gonna cover that for my family to be together. Well, that's a way it's really smart because it's going to make your kids want to be with you, quite frankly. It's going to keep conflict at a low because you wanna benefit from this generosity. But when you when you are looking at it from the standpoint of always feeling under pressure and your parent just puts pressure or that love family member just puts pressure, pressure, pressure, there will become there will come a day you'll regret that because life will slow down for you and you won't get to reap the harvest on a relationship that all you saw was conflict or pressure or you just didn't take the time to let peace come to that relationship and work out that conflict.

Mary Alessi [00:10:48]:
You'll regret

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:10:48]:
it in

Steve Alessi [00:10:49]:
the future.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:10:49]:
Tell you the the the scenario that I would say, and and you had a stepfather, a good stepfather, But he wasn't used to the type of family we have where you'd all come in and there would be a a diaper thrown in the corner or the towel would be down or something. You know? And I there was 2 things. Now when you do that, then you gotta remember the both of the things. We can And I would say to him, they don't have to come. They don't have to come. They have alternatives. Right. But they are coming.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:11:25]:
Right. So get used to it. That's right. After they'd opened the refrigerator 25 times and told me my milk was out of date. Not you.

Steve Alessi [00:11:35]:
Expired.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:11:36]:
Not you. Expired or about to

Mary Alessi [00:11:38]:
expire. Expired.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:11:38]:
And and wouldn't stand there long enough for me to explain it was just yesterday, and it's not gonna kill you to drink it.

Steve Alessi [00:11:46]:
Right.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:11:46]:
Those are real family things, but I'd made up in my mind they don't have to come. Right. But they're coming.

Steve Alessi [00:11:56]:
You're gonna have to explain that because maybe somebody doesn't understand what you're meaning.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:12:00]:
Okay. They have options. I want them it to come to my house. Good, better, or better, or indifferent. Right. But the one thing is have an open line of communication. Go to your child and say, hey. Look.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:12:15]:
Can we do this? Be a problem solver as an elder. Be a problem solver, not a problem maker.

Mary Alessi [00:12:22]:
Right. So we're coming, and we get there, and it's you're just irritated the whole time.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:12:28]:
Well, why would you come out? My my choice is that they come. That's And I'm not gonna make a big deal out of every little thing.

Mary Alessi [00:12:35]:
That's good.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:12:36]:
I'm not gonna make an issue. I have made a decision. I'm not gonna do it. Right?

Steve Alessi [00:12:41]:
You know I'm no. You know what I remember about coming for Thanksgiving and being around Bud? Make sure you write your name on them, the cup, your solo cup so we don't keep going through solo cups. So know how many times I go buy a big box of them and I'm thinking of

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:12:58]:
bud? You know, that is a perfect example because there's families that don't even speak to each other over silly things like that. It's really true.

Steve Alessi [00:13:07]:
I saw at the condo the other day, we just put up a glass stair a stairwell, and little Giamma's over there with her fingers on the on the glass. And I'm looking at her, and I'm thinking, oh my god. She's putting fingerprints all over that glass. And then she pulled her hands back, and I looked at it again. And I thought, how cute.

Mary Alessi [00:13:27]:
I know. Look how cute

Steve Alessi [00:13:28]:
the fingerprints are. Instead of in the past. Oh my gosh. My old kids, I'd use their hair, their head, put a clean off those fingerprints. Come here, Chris. You're gonna clean off your fingerprints. I mean,

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:13:42]:
it's crazy.

Mary Alessi [00:13:43]:
There's a psychologist on social media that talks about that today. It's going around and he talks about the fingerprints. And when you let that stress you as a parent or grandparent, just remember, you're you're not gonna have you're gonna They don't have to come. There were fingerprints there

Steve Alessi [00:13:56]:
in a

Mary Alessi [00:13:56]:
few years.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:13:57]:
I used to say this one. I would say my goal and I have used this in my speaking. I would say that my goal is that when my children when I pull up in their driveway and they look out and see that it's me, what do I want them to say? I want them to say, hey, everybody. It's mom. Yeah. Not, oh, god. It's mom.

Steve Alessi [00:14:23]:
Yeah.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:14:23]:
You're right. And and that's that's what I've lived by. You have. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's not important.

Steve Alessi [00:14:30]:
Yeah.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:14:30]:
You know, somebody that opens a refrigerator 15 times Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:14:36]:
It's not worth it. Who cares? They'll be gone in 2 days.

Steve Alessi [00:14:39]:
I wish I could have heard that conversation, but make that happen in the refrigerator. I know. Or the thermostat. There was some little

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:14:46]:
The thermostat. Oh, yeah. Lord. The thermostat. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:14:48]:
He wasn't crazy about yanking that thing out.

Mary Alessi [00:14:50]:
And we laugh about it in his light, but like you said, there's a lot of families. There's there's sons that won't go home to visit their mom because of the stepdad and vice versa. There's Yep. Daughters that won't go home and visit their dad because of the stepmom.

Steve Alessi [00:15:02]:
So let's hit the other side of that. Yeah. The son-in-law that is having a problem with the older parent.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:15:08]:
Yeah. It's

Steve Alessi [00:15:09]:
tough. It's 1 week.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:15:10]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:15:11]:
You got 51 more that you can go ahead and go back home and be the man man that you need to be. That's right. But if it's his house and if if it's a, you know, a a second husband and yeah. You you may not be your dad. It's his house.

Mary Alessi [00:15:27]:
It's his home. That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:15:28]:
Let's go and respect that. And let's be the one that, okay, I'm younger. I can be a lot more flexible.

Mary Alessi [00:15:35]:
It's good. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:15:36]:
And I should maybe be aware that my kids, if I'm coming in, my kids, may just drink out of 1 out of the cup one time and go throw it away. Yeah. And it may be an irritant to the person, the father that I'm in his home. Let me be respectful of that as well Yes. And try to I think that your point earlier, let me look down the road. Yeah. Because all of this has to be in place. I gotta reserve relationship, preserve relationship with my father-in-law that may not be my birth father.

Steve Alessi [00:16:09]:
I gotta preserve relationship. Because as much as we may say something here about we joke about, Bud, who would be your second husband, who was a tremendous blessing to you.

Mary Alessi [00:16:20]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:16:20]:
What we look at overall, Bud was set in his ways. He did very well with his life. He had his own sons and daughter, and Yeah. He he raised them. And here we come on the scene, what, 15 years younger than all the ones that he had already raised. I have to say this about Bud. He may have been a stickler about a cup, but when I needed a loan Yeah. When hurricane Andrew came through town and I needed, I don't know, $30,000 loan to help me remodel the house.

Steve Alessi [00:16:50]:
I thought he would give it to me for interest free. Right? So I go into it trying to get him to give me a loan. And he says, yeah. Here you go. And he wrote up the terms on a little sticky paper, and he handed it to me. And I'm like, he's gonna forgive that that interest. He did not forgive that interest. And he would write me a note when it came time to make a payment.

Steve Alessi [00:17:10]:
He'd say, Steve, you're only as good as your word. Yeah. You agreed to the terms of our loan. Now if he wanted to forgive that interest, that would be totally on him. But that I can't assume that.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:17:22]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:17:23]:
He taught me a tremendous lesson. Yep. That if I'm gonna step up to the table and sign a document to borrow something, then I have to be willing to live up to the terms of it.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:17:32]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:17:32]:
That was great for me. And the thing, what stands out in your mind? What's his little saying that Bub would always have? There ain't no free lunches.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:17:40]:
Ain't no free lunches.

Steve Alessi [00:17:41]:
So there were some great lessons Yeah. That Bud brought to the table, that all of us had learned. And here we are down the road, and we've used those, put them in our lives. But so he didn't like that we opened up the fridge. Bad on me for not being a little bit more aware that if I'm in his home, alright, turn up the AC thermostat.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:18:01]:
You know what? Take the garbage out when you're ready to leave.

Steve Alessi [00:18:04]:
Be be thinking.

Mary Alessi [00:18:05]:
Yeah. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:18:06]:
How can I get dressed rather than just rolling in Yeah? And just letting the kids throw all of well, they know we got all these kids. They know we got all this stuff. No. Let us be a little bit more conscientious.

Mary Alessi [00:18:17]:
It's called adulting. And it just brings down the levels of conflict in the family. And when and there's a lot of strife in families today more than ever because of the high divorce rate and remarriages. There's just a lot of the expectations are all over the place. You know, your kids don't act this way, and my kids aren't here with us this weekend and your kids are here and you don't control your kids and you let your their father determine all that stuff. I mean, it's hard enough just being the husband to 1 wife and raising the the kids. Mhmm. Adding that blended thing was tough.

Mary Alessi [00:18:53]:
And I was grateful with Bud that we were all grown when you and Bud got married. We didn't have to deal with that adolescent side, yet we still had to deal with some of that adolescent mentality when we all got married because we were young and we were growing up, but we talked about it.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:19:07]:
Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:19:07]:
We talked about it and we we were I can remember Steve because he's not a feelings guy. He's he has never been a He's pragmatic. He's very it's not what you it's not how you say it. He could care less how you say it. It's what you said. So Steve didn't have a you don't have the right to tell me attitude ever. He would listen to what you said. And if it was true, he received it.

Mary Alessi [00:19:28]:
If it wasn't, he didn't. It didn't matter how you said it. Whereas we girls were like, who does he think he is? Because I remember Bud would say, you know, your mom was really excited about you coming. And your mom, she misses you girls. Well, we get together and go, what does he mean by that? Are we not do is mom complaining? And we would get all caught up in our feelings. And I'd

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:19:47]:
say something

Mary Alessi [00:19:48]:
to Steve and he'd say, he's just saying your mom misses you. What's the big deal? Why are you making conflict where there's no conflict? And that was helpful for me to have a personality like that in my life. Yeah. To go, you're just creating drama Yes. Where there isn't drama.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:20:02]:
That's true. I think that's one of the biggest things in families, creating drama. Yeah? Creating drama rather than where there really wouldn't be any drama.

Mary Alessi [00:20:13]:
And it's competition and it's it's it's silly. It's it's childhood. It's what we do in our childhood. And now we are we aren't pivoting. Young people don't pivot to say, I'm not the adolescent forever. I'm not a 40 year old, 15 year old at my mother's house. I have to come in with my wife and my children or my husband and my children and contribute and be kind. This is, this needs to be a conflict free zone.

Mary Alessi [00:20:38]:
You know, the things we want, we won't have if we don't do the things we need to do to have them. We want this beautiful, peaceful, wonderful grandparent, grand, you know, father relationship where we're all kumbaya. But if we don't do the things that create that environment, we won't have it.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:20:58]:
We have to contribute to that. And you can't carry your feelings on your sleeve. No. Mothers, you cannot carry your failures on your sleeve with your children. And if your child chose their mate, that's their mate. You have to accept it Right. And go from there because, love them through your own child. Love them through your own child.

Mary Alessi [00:21:18]:
That's right.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:21:18]:
You know, I've had every opportunity to be offended.

Mary Alessi [00:21:22]:
I knew this was He

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:21:23]:
has had every opportunity to be offended.

Mary Alessi [00:21:26]:
Left on this Say

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:21:27]:
it, mom. But before before he he really, I won't go into the scenario, but, anyway, I was moving I lived down here in Miami, and and Mary was just out of fresh out of high school. He was, what, 26. But we became very dear friends before he ever got serious with Mary. We did. But still, he was his own person. I knew he was very strong willed. I knew he had his you know? But that was a benefit to me.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:21:54]:
That was a benefit to me. But there again, we all have every opportunity to be offended, to be arrogant, to be close minded, and just cause chaos. Mhmm. But where is that gonna get you? Yeah. Where is that gonna get you? Let your defenses down and listen. Yep. Ask questions. I learned that from John Maxwell.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:22:19]:
Ask questions. What do you want your family to look like and be? And at the very best, you're still gonna have misunderstandings. No. You bring

Steve Alessi [00:22:30]:
you bring By

Mary Alessi [00:22:31]:
the way,

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:22:31]:
I've got some things I need to talk to you about.

Steve Alessi [00:22:34]:
That's what this podcast is about. No. I'm gonna start talking

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:22:37]:
to you. You know? It is, man. Make it

Steve Alessi [00:22:40]:
as a fair Well,

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:22:40]:
I won't disclose it publicly.

Steve Alessi [00:22:42]:
I remember I'll tell on myself. I remember, and it wasn't too long ago, I was going back after pops had passed away, and I was having to go through some files that mom had. And I've pulled out a file, and I brought it to Mary. I'd even showed her. And I told my kids this, I believe. I said, my God, I was so arrogant when I was young because you came to work with my dad and mom. You were the music director at the time. The choir director I that I had sent you, and, that's when memorandums were a big thing.

Steve Alessi [00:23:21]:
Right? Yes. Now it's emails. You just everything's written in email, but it was a memo that I sent you. And I was calling you out on something. And I'm like, I cannot believe I was this arrogant as a kid coming out of college, thinking I knew everything. I was gonna help my dad because my dad's church is only so big. It was gonna be me, the catalyst to make it really grow blow up because I knew how to do it. You know? I was the the young fresh mind coming out of college and all this.

Steve Alessi [00:23:51]:
I'm like, oh my gosh. And I showed that to my kids. I wanted them to see, hey. Sometimes you can be stupid.

Mary Alessi [00:23:59]:
Get it. Tisha, I think something's

Steve Alessi [00:24:02]:
Something's got me.

Mary Alessi [00:24:03]:
You're allergic to true.

Steve Alessi [00:24:04]:
But the edit button takes out sneezes and sniffles.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:24:09]:
But let me let me give you a clue that I have learned, and this not really risen with me. This was told in a sermon, and it stuck with me some years back. You do not judge from the head. You judge from the heart. Yes. Take the time to understand. I can remember your heart. Yeah.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:24:28]:
You I don't even remember those thing. But I recognized in you, Steve, was a heart of gold that you would do anything for me, and you did do a lot for me. And and the fact that you stood in the gap, you you brought things to me that, to read and to help me. You had an listening ear. That was the big thing. You had a listening ear. Now the other side, you know, you you see that. But the point is I was looking at your heart.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:24:58]:
How is it gonna respond to me from my heart, not not the head? And I've tried to make that practice. I haven't always achieved it. But, you know, because people it's 2 separate things because sometimes we get in our head and it drives our emotions, and our heart is over here wanting to be generous and wanting to be kind, and it's a conflict. But that's that's just my approach. I don't always but I try to back up and say, wait a minute. What what is their heart really saying? That's that's Did

Steve Alessi [00:25:29]:
you do that what you did at Thanksgiving 2 years ago?

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:25:33]:
Oh, no. That was my hair.

Mary Alessi [00:25:37]:
Okay. Now do we have time to tell that story?

Steve Alessi [00:25:39]:
Tell it.

Mary Alessi [00:25:40]:
Because I would like to tell that story. Tell that story.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:25:41]:
Oh, shoot.

Mary Alessi [00:25:42]:
All back together at the farmhouse. We were so excited. Martha and Danny and the kids and mom came, and we were gonna make our famous big southern Thanksgiving. We have a routine. We've been together at Thanksgiving a lot. And so we had just been, I think, with your mom. Had your dad passed, that was when your father had passed. Anyway, and we were talking about how people give the different ways they give.

Mary Alessi [00:26:03]:
Some people like to give birthday presents and birthday gifts, little things, and other people give bigger gifts. Once

Steve Alessi [00:26:10]:
Thanksgiving morning.

Mary Alessi [00:26:11]:
So we he and I had been talking

Steve Alessi [00:26:13]:
breakfast, everything's

Mary Alessi [00:26:14]:
going on.

Steve Alessi [00:26:14]:
The day. Morning.

Mary Alessi [00:26:15]:
People give. So we're having this beautiful morning, and you were at your cottage, and Martha and I were cooking, and you were gonna come over and make your stuffing. And you came over and you looked so good, and all of us were ready to go. And we were the conversation was about the way people, the different ways people give. And you walk in and Steve goes, Faith, you know, you're not you're not much of a giver, are you? And we were like, what? And I was miss mixing mashed potato, and I was like, and Martha just froze like, what is he doing? And you said, what do you mean? He goes, well, you know, like my mom, she gives birthday cards every year and anniversary cards, and you don't really do that. What we were saying was the different ways of giving. Some people, they give little throughout the year. Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:27:04]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:27:04]:
And other people give bigger one time gifts, like stroke a big check to help out. But we did he didn't clarify the conversation you'd walked in on. So it just sounded like he just out of nowhere said, bloop. You're you're not much of a giver. And he doesn't he doesn't I mean, he feels the room go cold. He sees your face like, what? And he just is like, yeah. Uh-huh. Right? And we're like, no.

Mary Alessi [00:27:33]:
And at that point, I knew that if he felt if we if I had embarrassed him that he messed up in front of you and Martha, he would double down. And then we're cooking and we don't need that atmosphere of conflict with him doubling down. And I see Martha, and she can read my mic because we're twins, and we're but we don't we can't even catch ourselves to go, no, that's not what he meant. It was just such a weird moment and you walk out.

Steve Alessi [00:28:00]:
Yes.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:28:01]:
You got mad and you walked out, which is

Mary Alessi [00:28:04]:
not usually your style. And so as soon as you walked out, Martha and I both just went, what were you thinking? What did you say? He's like, what? What did I say? What are you talking about? I didn't say anything. That's not what I meant. And it was really hard to regroup.

Steve Alessi [00:28:20]:
Yeah. No. But she did. Your mom, you

Mary Alessi [00:28:23]:
But then you walked back in Yep. With a smile on your face.

Steve Alessi [00:28:26]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:28:27]:
And, of course, Martha had to walk over and say, please don't listen to Steve. He did not mean and I'm texting Steve go because I didn't want there to be a conflict. So I'm texting him going, you gotta go fix this. You said it wrong. What did I say? You've just gotta fix it. It sounded like this just to reduce conflict. And, it turned out to be And

Steve Alessi [00:28:47]:
I blamed it on the fact that you never raised sons.

Mary Alessi [00:28:51]:
Oh, yeah. See.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:28:52]:
Well, I think

Steve Alessi [00:28:53]:
this just boys in the family.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:28:54]:
Faith. This just happened.

Steve Alessi [00:28:56]:
Yeah.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:28:56]:
Right. But see, it didn't it it wasn't something that severed anything. It was a bump in the road. Right. Because we knew each other's heart. Right. What, you know, he wouldn't intentionally hurt me even though he hurt my feelings. Yes.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:29:09]:
He said he hurt my feelings. It wasn't fatal. No. No. It wasn't fatal. No. No. I mean, I'll kill him Shit.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:29:18]:
Tomorrow and tell God he died.

Steve Alessi [00:29:22]:
Heart attack. Heart attack.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:29:23]:
Had a heart attack. No.

Steve Alessi [00:29:26]:
Faith more than anything, I wish people can catch hold of this fact that, you know, in family, it's it's a messy business. Oh, no. Everybody's business.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:29:33]:
It's a messy business. It's hard.

Steve Alessi [00:29:35]:
And everybody just gotta take responsibility for themselves. Overall, hopefully, they're wanting to preserve the family relationship because there's gonna be a lot of people come into our lives, and a lot of people go out of our lives. But when we're older and we slow down a little bit, you know, some of the people we really want to be around this is our family where we don't wanna have to put on a game anymore and act like somebody we're not. So family is everybody's business. No doubt about that. So let's make it a priority.

Mary Alessi [00:30:09]:
I agree.

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:30:09]:
And Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:30:10]:
Expect conflict. Yeah. Right? Let's expect it.

Mary Alessi [00:30:13]:
It's there.

Steve Alessi [00:30:14]:
But they resolve it. Be be willing to say, man, I gotta resolve this. And I did have to say I was sorry

Dr. Faith Fredrick [00:30:21]:
Yeah. You did.

Steve Alessi [00:30:22]:
On that Thanksgiving morning.

Mary Alessi [00:30:23]:
Come on. Yeah. It's like, do it one more time.

Steve Alessi [00:30:26]:
Yeah. Because, hey, I said it something I shouldn't have said. So hope to hopefully, today, you have been inspired to maybe go resolve some family conflicts, be the resolver, come to the table, think through things, keep your heart pure towards your family, love on them, take care of them, know they're special. You're going to need them around. You want to be an encouragement to them. And hopefully, we have inspired you to do that. Thanks for listening.

Chris Alessi [00:30:55]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lesseefamilybusiness dotcom and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.