Grandparent with Grace! How to Manage Discipline Issues with Your Grandkids

Mary Alessi:
I didn't anticipate having this kind of love for these children that weren't from my womb. They were from my daughter's womb and from my son's loins. But yet I wanted to be a part of their their lives so bad because you just know the beauty in it. Yeah. But we had to back up and go, okay, hold on a second. We gotta give them space. This is these are their kids. They gotta raise them.

Steve Alessi:
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. And today, it's Mary and I in the podcast booth. And I'm excited about this series that we are in this, or this season Yeah. Of our episodes. And we're gonna be talking today about, family matters. And one family matter that I know could really cause a lot of people to start talking about your business as a family, if you don't get a grip on it, is disciplining your child. And it's gonna come from a standpoint of not so much what the parents' role is in disciplining the child. Right.

Steve Alessi:
But today we're gonna talk about what is the grandparents' role when it comes to disciplining grandchildren. So, Mary, we have, at this particular time, 3 grandkids. Yes. We do. And we get the privilege of being able to spend a good amount of time with them. Yeah. So, what are you thinking about this whole subject matter? I mean, because if you and I were sitting on our patio today with a cup of coffee, like we're doing in the podcast booth

Mary Alessi:
And our family

Steve Alessi:
most likely

Mary Alessi:
business cups.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. Mhmm. Most likely, we would be talking about the way our kids discipline their kids.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, for sure. That's what the back patio is for.

Steve Alessi:
That's it.

Mary Alessi:
Is to have those conversations in it. And it it is definitely something that you, from one day to the next, start to draw from how did my mom do this with my kids? How did your dad do this? How did our how did our kids' grandparents, our parents

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Handle this?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because it is a it is a a different territory.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So what is our role? And I think as we start to process this, we wanna be as fair as possible. We live in a, you know, unique culture in South Florida. So the Latin culture, the, there is no almost almost no separation between grandparent and parent and grandchild.

Mary Alessi:
It's very different here.

Steve Alessi:
It's really different here. Kinda talk to that for a second.

Mary Alessi:
In our South Florida environment, because the culture here is so South American and Hispanic, they're very strong in the La Familia. Very, very strong. Like, it they don't put grandparents in retiring homes or in nursing homes at all. Parents move in with their children. That's just the way it is. I was talking to somebody this morning, and their mother is 66. And she's already pressing her mother and father. That's young.

Mary Alessi:
To move into her side room with her and her husband because she doesn't wanna see them working. She wants

Steve Alessi:
to see them rest. My age is being encouraged to go live with the kids.

Mary Alessi:
With their adult kids. Terrible. And I'm I'm like, wow. But that's the Hispanic culture. You know? Yeah. They take care of mommy and pop. They do. And it's beautiful.

Mary Alessi:
We've learned a lot from that. I cherish that. I think it's beautiful. But in a real American culture, that might not be the case. Yeah. But down here, there is a high value on families. They take care of one another. So grandmothers and grandfathers are actually like a second set of parents Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
To their kids, which is, to their grandkids, which is very unique. It's got its upsides. It has got its downsides.

Steve Alessi:
Sure. The American household's a little different.

Mary Alessi:
Very.

Steve Alessi:
It's like they they let the kids, the the adult kids of theirs, do whatever they choose to do with the grandchildren, and they they're a little bit, more hands off. Right. Well but here's where we wanna go with this, because we recognize that there's 2 parties involved outside of the grandparents. Mhmm. 2 parties involved in raising their children, and it's the husband and the wife, the mom and the dad. And if you wanna maintain a good relationship with your, kids, your adult kids, and your in laws, then you need to be aware that as a grandparents, you should, consider what your role is. Right. And and that's the part that we wanna try to get across.

Steve Alessi:
How can we, assist when it comes to raising grandkids? So first thing I would say is I think of the parents today that are raising kids. There is a lot of peer pressure when it comes to them

Mary Alessi:
Yes, sir.

Steve Alessi:
Raising kids. It's different There is. Today for them. So as a grandparent, I would think the best thing to do is to come to the table with a lot of grace and a lot of patience Yeah. Watching your kids

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Raise their kids. And our way, there's no real such thing as our way or their way. We should be very sensitive to the fact that as a grandparent, we can watch our kids come to this place of of raising their kids Right. And be okay with it. Because there should be just time given for your kids to learn how to raise their kids. Us as grandparents, we already learned how to do that by raising our kids.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And so we think we know how to do it, and that's wonderful. But but that's the blessing of being a grandparent here. Yeah. We don't have to be right Right. When it comes to disciplining those kids. Sure. Our adult kids have to be right, and the pressure is gonna be on them Right. To get it right.

Mary Alessi:
Right. And there is a lot of pressure these days. There's a lot of pressure on parents.

Steve Alessi:
So sweet. My mom's FaceTiming me right now, but we'll ask

Mary Alessi:
her to talk about the whole sweet.

Steve Alessi:
Oh my gosh.

Mary Alessi:
She might wanna get in on this podcast.

Steve Alessi:
I know.

Mary Alessi:
She's already done this.

Steve Alessi:
She doesn't realize she's interrupting my work day, but I'll get back to her. Go ahead. So you were saying?

Mary Alessi:
Well, I think we all come to the table with the way we we parented, with the way we were parented. Right. You were parented one way. I was parented another. Something else, your grandparents died relatively young.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
I mean, they were in their sixties

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Compared to today. So you didn't really have the grandparent experience to draw from. I did, but not so much. Such a different culture. But you definitely need to lean into grace with your kids

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Because there is a process in that of them figuring it out as they go. We did figure it out.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And if you parented them well, they'll start drawing from that well.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And it's a natural thing because we all want our kids to to be healthy and whole and well balanced. But as grandparents, it's so easy. I you know what I did not anticipate? I didn't anticipate for me in that the 1st year that both kids had their kids, for that flip to switch and me wanting to literally just go over there and grab the kids and say, I got this, because I've done it before.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And, I mean, not from anything negatively that they were doing. I didn't anticipate having this kind of love for these children that weren't from my womb. They were from my daughter's womb and from my son's loins. But yet I wanted to be a part of their their lives so bad because you just know the beauty in it. Yeah. But we had to back up and go, okay, hold on a second. We gotta give them space. This is these are their kids.

Mary Alessi:
They gotta raise them.

Steve Alessi:
Being aware of your kids is gonna make a big difference. Yeah. Your adult kids and not just looking past them and making a judgment call about them Right. Whether they are doing it the way we think they should or not. We gotta look past our kids for a second.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I'm sorry. We cannot look past our kids to look at the grandkids. We've gotta always let the parent, our adult kids, be a filter. Because here's the deal, babe. They're dealing with, peer pressure from social media. So social media is telling them how to do it. They're they're dealing with, some of them are just blended families. Right.

Steve Alessi:
You got blended families that come to the table now. And so though you're the grandparent, they may not be your flesh and blood grandchild. So your kids are dealing with a blended family. Yeah. So it may not be one of those children may not be your kids that actually birth them. So there's some grace and some understanding that needs to be, given there. And then you've got some parents today that are getting married later in life, and they are having kids later in life. And now, you've got to respect the fact that maybe they're gonna be a bit more lenient.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
Those that have children later in life are a bit more lenient with their kids because one, they probably think, you know, they know what they're doing. 2, they're just older and they don't have the energy No. That's true. To be able to get stay on top of the kids that require the kind of discipline that is needed. Right. So being aware of that as a grandparent will help you then step into whatever role you're given to be able to grandparent

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Or discipline your grandchildren. Now I know there's gonna be two sides to this. There's a side that says, it's not my role as a grandparent. I am not gonna discipline. Yeah. That's respectable. Sure. You got it.

Steve Alessi:
And you give your kids the opportunity to raise their kids. That's wonderful. The other side is, I think I have a role in this. So I I I'm my kids need me to help discipline. Or I I'm with the grandchild, and when the grandchild acts up, I'm present. And if I'm present, I need to do something. What do I do? So there's two sides of that. And, a grandparent needs to figure out what side do they want to, be a part of.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Not touching it or let me help. And if we're gonna do something, then I think it's gonna come down to this. As a grand grandparent, you're probably gonna be the last person your adult kids go to to ask for advice on this? Possibly. Because of it's my way and you have your way. Right. So be patient Sure. As a grandparent.

Steve Alessi:
Either way, be patient. And if you're going to come to the table as a grandparent, then your goal should be twofold. 1st, it needs to be, I'm coming in to focus on the grandchild's development. I wanna be a part of that. So it's not about having it my way, or my kid's way.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Or the son in law's way, or the daughter in law's way, or even the other grandparents' way. We that's not the issue. The issue is I wanna be a part of this grandchild's development. Right. So what side do I land on there? And the other goal should be what?

Mary Alessi:
It's helping the parent. Yeah. Come alongside them and be there in in case they need you. I really I have a a memory of it's not too long ago because Gianna's only 2. But when Gianna, our first granddaughter, was kind of turning the corner of that 18 month old thing, and Stephanie was dealing with a toddler and tantrums for the first time on her own. We'd already dealt with 4 toddlers with tantrums. So you learn. You know, the more you parent, the longer you parent, you figure things out.

Mary Alessi:
And I remember her calling me one day, mom, she won't listen to me. Mom, she did this. Mom, she did that. And I said, Stephanie, you are her mother. That is your baby. Take control. Okay. Mom, you're right.

Mary Alessi:
And she did.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
But also know, Stephanie, this is what toddlers do. Right. She's doing everything normal. So encouraging her and not taking matters into my own hands or saying, Well, I don't know what you're doing wrong because she's my precious toddler baby and she doesn't act that way with me. I do hear a lot of grandparents say that. I have a tendency to say, Well, she doesn't do that with me. Well, of course not. She doesn't do that with you.

Mary Alessi:
You're her grandmother. You give her everything she wants. You don't say no to her. Of course, the children always act worse with their parents. Always, oh, our kids did.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
They were terrible with us, and they'd go stay with my mom or your mom and dad, and they were wonderful.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
That's kids. They get it. They're very, very smart. But I think it's super important that we gotta put the mindset on of how can I help my son or help my daughter

Steve Alessi:
Yeah?

Mary Alessi:
In this season? I know it's hard. Mhmm. I was there. Rather than being judgy and frustrated or just being more negative and critical, there's a lot of critical voices in the world. There's a lot of critical voices in their ears just on social media. Like you said, they're judging themselves and their parenting all the time.

Steve Alessi:
All the time.

Mary Alessi:
We have chosen, and we work on it. It's not easy. Mhmm. We want to be affirming voices.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
We want to be supporting voices. Not always are. Our very presence can bring a sense of criticism in the room to our kids.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because we were the correctors. We're the parents. They knew what we're gonna say. Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
I'm feeling it. I I remember feeling the ever seeing eye of dad mom over me and like, oh my gosh, am I disciplining my kid good? Am I am I on top of them enough? And quite frankly, that made me be a little harder on my kids. Right. Early on, especially with Christopher. I was hard on Christopher Yeah. Doing large part because I wanted to make sure I was doing it right. And I felt the pressure of my parents. They weren't doing pressure.

Mary Alessi:
You want your kids to be perfect in front

Steve Alessi:
of them. Yes.

Mary Alessi:
I see that now with with Marino.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I see Rochelle. And there are times I wanna just whisper in her ear, do what you gotta do. Don't you worry about me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But I know that that's a pressure point because you as a parent want your little kid, your toddler, your child to be to be this perfect specimen around your parents, and we already know they're not perfect. But what we do sometimes now my and my mother used to do this, and I swore I wouldn't. And my mom did not mean anything by it. It's it's just normal. But she'd go, Mary, Betty, get a hold of her. Mary, don't let him do that. Mary, don't let her. And it would add pressure to me already.

Mary Alessi:
Right. And I knew she wasn't she thought she was helping me.

Steve Alessi:
Right. Right.

Mary Alessi:
And so I'm more defaulting to, I'm on your side, Rochelle. Do whatever you feel like you need to do. Don't even worry about it.

Steve Alessi:
I'd rather her or him do it than us even think about having to do it. But Absolutely. But here's something that sometimes a grandparent doesn't realize that we will do. And that is when we are all together, for instance, at a restaurant, or in a church service, or at a movie.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And the child is doing what children do. Then the grandparent sometimes thinks to themselves or is tempted to think I need to help.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
I need to get involved Right. In this moment.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, that's so true.

Steve Alessi:
And so we we're over here saying on one side, yeah, let the kid have their, you know, let your adult kids

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Have the grace to do this. But then when we're in the heat heat of the moment, we're like, oh my gosh, I gotta get involved. Yeah. Now here's something. I think the reason we say have grace about it is because you've got a good few years of development with that child.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And today, it doesn't all have to be done. They're not gonna be fixed or corrected or disciplined or or let in in a day's time that's gonna fix what a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 year old is going through and is processed. Sure. So that's why if we are gonna come alongside of our kids and realize that as grandparents, we have a role to play in disciplining. I think the first thing we need to be able to do is know and respect Yeah. The boundaries that are in place when it comes to disciplining the grandkids. Yes. It's true.

Steve Alessi:
So there has to be boundaries. There there has to be, I think, with boundaries comes respect.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
When we set boundaries in place, it's as we've said over the years, they they are not they're really meant to protect people. The reason I put a fence in my yard is to protect Mhmm. Those that are in the yard. And that's what boundaries do. They're not to punish somebody.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
You don't go after a grandparent who's really strong and aggressive and say, I don't want you disciplining my kid. And, you just wanna be able to say to the grandparent, listen, there's there's this is this is a a long range goal here. We we all just wanna protect Yes. The grandchildren and protect our relationship that we have with one another. So there has to be then this conversation. Because I don't think there's no right or wrong way to do this. Yeah. I think it it comes across as a what works for this family.

Steve Alessi:
And whatever works for this family, those are the boundaries that we wanna be able to put in place. So know the boundaries

Mary Alessi:
That's important.

Steve Alessi:
Which then means Yeah. If we're gonna have boundaries, somebody should be talking about this.

Mary Alessi:
So important, especially if grandparents are around a lot.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you want your parents to be a part of your children's lives. That conversation is so important because we project how our dad used to be onto our kids, how our mom used to be onto our kids. Things have changed. Times have changed. We might be different. We're more mellow now or chill. We wanna enjoy the kids. And if you don't have the conversation just in real time

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
For case in point, Maybe you have kids. You spanked your kids, but your kids have vowed they're not spanking their kids. Mhmm. That's a that's a difficult thing as a grandparent when you're watching a kid that could use just one little swat pow pow and you know. But then there's a good way to converse about that. And if your if your son or daughter is saying, it does not matter, we're not laying hands, we're not going to spank, okay, absolutely. Then what discipline are we going to use? So that when I watch them, I don't wanna spank them either. I'm their grandparent.

Mary Alessi:
The last thing I wanna do is do that. But if you're not going to enforce discipline, what discipline are we enforcing? That is so important. There's a funny mother and daughter on social media. They're hilarious. They they do this very thing. And the daughter is gonna leave

Steve Alessi:
You're putting pressure on us with social media. Go

Mary Alessi:
ahead. So the daughter is gonna leave the the her mother with the grandchild, and she's giving her mother all these lists of everything that the child needs and can do and can't do. And the mother's standing there applying her rules to raising her. And the daughter's it's funny, but she's like, no, we don't do any of that anymore.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But the truth is there's still a lot to learn from your parents that that still work. There is discipline that still works. But I think that conversation is important so that everybody has an understanding that we all want the best for our grandkids. Nobody loves them more than the parent, except maybe the grandparent. I'm just gonna say.

Steve Alessi:
Well, the reason you wanna have that conversation too, Mary, is because as a grandparent, you never want your discipline to be stronger or harsher No. Than the parents.

Mary Alessi:
They won't come see you. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And it's gonna create friction It is. Between you and your kid. And your kids. And maybe the in law.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Because, you know, you again, when you marry, you married the family. And when you've married into the family, it may be my family that my son-in-law and daughter-in-law have moved married into. But now I'm adopting their mindset and their attitudes that were raised in a different family. So in this case, Rochelle has a different mindset. Sure. Weena has a different mindset as it pertains to to discipline That's right. Than I do. And they bring what they were raised in.

Steve Alessi:
So I have to respect that. That's right. And I don't ever want when I approach the discipline aspect of it, I never want to be too harsh. No. I wanna stay in balance. If I'm invited into the the the disciplining role by my in laws or by my my own children, adult children, I wanna make sure that I'm actually below Yeah. The level of discipline that they are providing.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Because they're not my children.

Mary Alessi:
No. That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And the blessing is we get them. And most of the time, they're acting their best around us.

Mary Alessi:
Amazing.

Steve Alessi:
And we see when the kids show up, their parents show up that they don't act the same. And that kind of that's tough. -Right. -Because our kids got to take those babies home. -And detox them. -And deal with them. But, I think that's really important that you got to make sure you have the conversation. Then you know your boundaries when you're within that conversation, and you're always wanting to come underneath them.

Steve Alessi:
Now the truth is we did discipline. I had to discipline one of our our grandkids recently. Right? Mhmm. And it was, one of those situations where they were about to get hurt. Yeah. And they were defying. It was very dangerous. Defying.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. I'm having a stop moment. They're looking me right in the eye, and they chose to do it anyway. Yeah. So because of that, I stepped over and caught them. Mhmm. A a little SWAT. It wasn't a spank.

Steve Alessi:
It wasn't a hit.

Mary Alessi:
And that was a little SWAT on the diaper.

Steve Alessi:
SWAT on the diaper. Yeah. And you would have thought, oh my goodness. I I just, I mean, cut their arm off. I crushed them. Oh yeah. I did. I crushed them.

Steve Alessi:
And the way they responded was not because of pain. No, because they were just mortified. Devastated. That Papa would have to do that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And it was like, and I hated to do it because I mean, I know how, okay. I was strong with Chris. I was not as strong with the girl. No. You weren't. So I hated to do it to this little girl.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
That little look on her face and that moment where she held her breath, and I knew the scream was coming, but I knew the reason the scream was coming, that even tugged at my heart more.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Because it was barely a thing. It

Steve Alessi:
wasn't even Barely. No pain. No.

Mary Alessi:
It was a it wasn't even a I I and she scared us so bad and kept doing it and wouldn't listen. And here's what's funny from that though, because the other other 2 were there. All it takes is one to be to be the example

Steve Alessi:
Just a little blood on the ground.

Mary Alessi:
A little bit. And none of them have done that since. And that's the scary thing that when they're in your care

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you're the grandparent, the last thing you could stand is thinking that something happened to them while you're watching too. So that's why boundaries are so important and having the conversation is so important.

Steve Alessi:
And then when the parents got there, we let the parents know. We let Steph and Weidah know, hey, this happened. Yeah. Because we knew she would go home and tell them tell.

Mary Alessi:
She is. She is that tell She is that baby.

Steve Alessi:
Let everybody know, papa, papa spake me. But no. Now I've watched, of course, from a grandparents perspective, I've watched the way both of my adult children discipline their kids.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Christopher is definitely harder on the boy, on Marino. So I know what boundary I have there.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And I can, you know, give him the harsh look if he's he he did it the other day. He did it right in front of me the other day. But I laughed more at him defying me because it wasn't a matter of, you know, getting hurt.

Mary Alessi:
Right. It was different.

Steve Alessi:
The first with Gianna, she was she was gonna get hurt.

Mary Alessi:
Jump head first.

Steve Alessi:
Let her continue to do this, and she wouldn't listen. She was gonna get hurt. For him, it wasn't about getting hurt. He was just defying me. Mhmm. And I thought it was the funniest thing that a little 18 month old toddler is going to challenge me. Like, he could get away with it. I know.

Steve Alessi:
I know. So I couldn't I couldn't go up to him. I mean, he was just his dad had already told him, don't go any further than this area. So he his dad said he wanted him to stay and play in this area. And then when his dad walked away, he puts his little feet together like he's gonna walk off to the side, and he gets right to that boundary, and he saw that his dad was gone. But then he looked at me, and he had a little smirk on his face, and he kept walking a little bit closer and closer, and then over the boundary, and then on the other side of the boundary. And I'm like, are you kidding me? So we would say that you got to know and respect boundaries when it comes to dealing with your disciplining your kids. You you got to definitely ask, your your kids, the adults, how they feel and what your role should be.

Steve Alessi:
And if you don't have the actual conversation, monitor what your kids are thinking. But then I think for grandparents, Mary, think long game. It's true.

Mary Alessi:
I guess we kinda naturally do anyway when those kids come.

Steve Alessi:
Just think long game. Yeah. You don't have to fix it all today. No. Because storming in and trying to do it and maybe even in front of your adult kids, if your adult kids are not disciplining the kids. Yeah. You think you should interject, you know, don't disrespect the parent like that in front of the kids.

Mary Alessi:
And don't make it don't make it harder on your kids.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
There's no greater support that we get to be than to our kids as they're having kids. And that is a gift. And to stay out of your feels and your expectations as the mature adults and the older ones who've already done that, we've already done this.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And we know in the long game mindset

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
These kids grow up.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
These kids get better. Reinforcements come along the way. Yeah. And we're that reinforcement in those early stages to help our kids know you're doing it right. Yes. It's hard. It's supposed to be this hard. That's parenting.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It doesn't get easier.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
But that's what it is. Yeah. You take the good with the bad. You take the sweet with the bitter, and we're just here to help you. Where can we be of service?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
How can we bless you? What do you need for us? If there's gonna be pressure on you

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You've already got enough. It's not gonna come from mom and dad.

Steve Alessi:
So true.

Mary Alessi:
And I think if that's our mindset, not easy because some sometimes our kids will push us.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I know we've talked to some parents whose kids were disciplined growing up, but they've married spouses who won't discipline and quite frankly weren't raised as well and don't have the skill of parenting, and the grandparents are are having to step in to become parents. That is a really tough place to navigate.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that is something even more you need to have the conversation. Because if the daughter-in-law is okay with just let whoever raise the kids and no discipline at all and whatever happens, happens. But the grandparents are like, listen, this is a time bomb. This is a ticking time bomb.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You need to have that conversation and find out how do we best work together to raise this kid because what they are at 4 is not what they're gonna be at 14. No. And the last thing you'd wanna do is excommunicate yourself from that place and that position because you're mad when they're 4, you don't get to discipline the way you think that that kid needs. You do have to back up because it is not your child.

Steve Alessi:
It's not. And the blessing is you get to watch your kid make all

Mary Alessi:
the mistakes. Yes. That's exactly right. It's on them. That's exactly right.

Steve Alessi:
So if we could say as grandparents, the blessing of having a kid, a grandkid, is that you get to spend as much time with them as you possibly can. Then you can send them home with their parents. Then That's it. Don't send them home crying. No. Because you had to discipline them and you were so harsh. I I would say this, the secret to grandparent needs to be, have plenty of ice cream at home Oh, yeah. And candy somewhere.

Steve Alessi:
Yep. So that you can almost treat them like a puppy.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
And you can get your puppy to do anything with little snacks in your hand.

Mary Alessi:
They wanna be at your hour

Steve Alessi:
with candy. Hanging out with you and That's true. With,

Mary Alessi:
I mean, we're gonna help pay for their dental bill anyway. Right? Oh, gosh. I mean Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
No. That's your dental your teeth work is more from your DNA than it is from any kind of candy. It's true. So listen, we want you to be the best grandparent you could be and have as much time raising those grandkids as you can. Disciplinarian, maybe that's the parent's side. You figure out your role, be more of a support, be an encouragement. And if you liked what you heard today, maybe there's some other old fogies out there that are trying to be grandparents. Why don't you forward this episode to them? Let them find out some, maybe, tips that'll help them along the way.

Steve Alessi:
And if you do that, we may even be able to send you one of our nice family business coffee mugs. We'd love to be able to do that to you. So why don't you share this with as many people as possible? Thanks for joining us today on the family business with the Alessis. Thank you.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode, and share it with them. You'll be helping them, and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lessefamilybusiness.com, and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.