How to Kill Your Marriage: Avoiding Traps So Your Relationship Stays Strong and Happy | S7 E22

Mary Alessi:
So that's why it's so dangerous for me to go by feeling. And if I don't feel like I want to pay attention to something in the marriage, then I can neglect our relationship, and that's where the marriage starts to die on the vine. Hello. And welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. And today, it's Mary and I in the podcast booth like we're on our back patio with a cup of coffee I love it. Talking about family and issues that go on in family. Yeah. And this particular subject matter, it can't get any bigger than this.

Steve Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
So take take take it from this perspective. Alright? I like hunting.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I like going out and killing things. So the inspiration of our podcast today is Mhmm. How to kill a marriage.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm. You're gonna wanna listen to this one.

Mary Alessi:
Alright. Kick us off. What are we gonna be thinking? What's the mindset behind this particular episode, Ben?

Steve Alessi:
Well, the mindset is to know that there are things you can do for your marriage to flourish, but then there are some key things

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm. That

Steve Alessi:
if they're allowed in your marriage, just get ready. It will destroy and kill and murder your marriage.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And these are the things we have to highlight, we have to be fully aware of, and avoid at all costs. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Marriages just don't die. No.

Steve Alessi:
They don't.

Mary Alessi:
Somebody kills it. Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
It could be a slow death.

Mary Alessi:
Neglect. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Could be a slow death, which I think most of the time seems to occur. Right. It it just doesn't go from one minute. It's lively, filled with life. Right. It's out there enjoying it, you know, that that's what marriage should be. It's just rewarding. It's so fun.

Mary Alessi:
Right. And it feels good. To then the next day, all of a sudden, it was murdered. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
It doesn't work like that.

Mary Alessi:
No. It's No. Somebody, over time, because of neglect, has allowed something to come in. It's a slow death

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Of a marriage. And what was meant to bring you such joy, I mean, from a biblical perspective, a spiritual perspective

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
We believe, as the Bible says, it's not good for a man or a woman to be alone. So what did God do? He made him a help meet. Now that whole thing there shows us that on our own, even though God made us in his image, on our own, we still are not at our best. We need a help meet to come along and complete us.

Steve Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And from that perspective, we need to see then that one of the greatest gifts given to humanity is marriage. And we believe marriage is that institution that is, established between a man and a woman that gets married. In that, you get the blessing of love. Yeah. You get the bless blessing of affection, of intimacy, of sex Yeah. Procreation. Mhmm. All of that.

Mary Alessi:
Partnership. All of that is huge. And it it brings something very satisfying to an individual that nothing else on this on this earth can give you. No. So when God makes it so beautiful for a person, we gotta see it's one of your greatest gifts. It is. So then why is it, though, that marriages don't last?

Steve Alessi:
Well, I think going into it, people think I'm gonna marry my soulmate. And I think you you the most important decision you make is the person you marry.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But then we go into marriage and for some reason, because we've had this mindset that my soulmate should fix, fill in the gap, All the things that I'm not, they are.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So they're gonna complete me from the perspective of everything I need, they're going to be to me. Yeah. And that's not the truth. There are things that we need to be as human beings. Yeah. The things that we need to bring to the marriage, to any relationship

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
Rather than just put the pressure on the term soul mate. Like somehow this person that I've only been dating for a few years is now I'm going to marry them and they're going to be able to read my mind and know the deepest, darkest parts of my heart. Yeah. I I can remember when we first got married having that mindset. I was so young, naive, I think which I think women have more than men do. Mhmm. I think women fall to that fantasy. And when I realized that there are just some things you can do in a marriage, that don't require fantasy, that I can apply right now that brings me to that place of joy and peace.

Steve Alessi:
And I'm not crying going, why don't you understand me? You don't get me. You don't understand me. Well, that's on me. It's not just on you to fulfill all my needs and to dry all my tears and understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
You're not a psychic. I'm not a psychic. There are things that we have to do in order to not kill this marriage, but to create a very healthy flourishing marriage.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm. So, you know, the the sad part is people that you start out being your soulmate, if you're not careful, you can make them your cellmate.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Where now both of you are feeling like this marriage is constricting me.

Steve Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
And instead of them completing you, now it's become they've competed they're competing against you. And now it's me versus you, us versus them. And that's not what marriage is meant. So how do we kill a marriage? It got 2 things here. You know? So first is what? I mean, more or less, it comes down to what we're doing right here.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. It's poor communication.

Mary Alessi:
Communicating.

Steve Alessi:
You don't know how to communicate with each other. And how many couples have we known over the years that will go to a counselor and say to the counselor what they really just need to say to their spouse?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because they don't know how to say it without either anger or martyrdom or emotion or don't feel like they have an environment to say it in. Sometimes they put that those chains on themselves. It's not even their spouse. They're thinking, I can't speak up. I can't say what I want to say. And if you don't communicate well and there's so many resources out there, but if you we know this. Things that go unsaid will continue to go unsaid and become buried, and they'll fester over the years. And if you say them in the moment, you have time to heal those areas, to really come to a place of transparency and honesty.

Steve Alessi:
But when you don't have a marriage where either one or the other couple thinks they can be honest or they don't communicate, you are a sitting duck for a really dicey situation there.

Mary Alessi:
Well, what happens when you don't communicate is you start to believe your own thoughts. Yeah. And every thought that you have has to be challenged, especially when it's negative against something that is so precious like a marriage. My thoughts that could get negative about you, about the my place in life, my my lack of resources, all those thoughts that I have have to be challenged. Right. Because just because I think it doesn't make it truthful. No. And when I look at you and I think, okay, she's not treating me this way, the right way, or she's not respecting me enough, or she's not this, she's not that.

Mary Alessi:
The moment I bring it up in a conversation with you, you bring the other side of the argument to the table.

Mary Alessi:
Right. Wait a minute.

Mary Alessi:
Just because I didn't do that, Steve, doesn't mean that I feel this way about you. Right. You know, I was having a tough day. Or, you know, Steve, my hormones are a little off. Right.

Steve Alessi:
Or Steve, you know what? I missed that.

Mary Alessi:
I I

Steve Alessi:
I shouldn't have done that. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Communication That's right.

Mary Alessi:
Opens that door so that you breathe life. Because if any negative thought that you constantly have about your spouse, she's not good enough. She's not like she used to be. She's not treating me good enough. Mhmm. Every time you hold that thought in there that's unchallenged, it brings death. It does. It squeezes the life

Steve Alessi:
Out of your relationship.

Mary Alessi:
Out of our relationship.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. It does. So you've got to constantly work on that communication.

Steve Alessi:
And this goes back to a conversation you need to have early on and prioritize that. And usually one of the couple one member of the couple is more naturally honest than the other one. That's usually how God designs it. We marry somebody that's opposite from us. And having honest conversations, I can tell you, you were you were from us. And having honest conversations, I can tell you, you were more of, let's bring this, let's talk about this. I was a stonewaller. I would be more prone to be mad, and I'm not talking about it.

Steve Alessi:
Nope. I'm not talking about it. You may be mad. And in my mind, I didn't know that that was dangerous. I didn't realize how that could eventually impact the marriage. I think in a husband and wife where the wife's the stonewaller, I could be wrong. But I think it's less dangerous than when the husband's the stonewaller because the wife needs the husband to lead in that moment. So it's not good for either one to shut off and say, I'm not talking about it.

Steve Alessi:
Leave me alone. I'm going to take the room. I refuse to even come to terms with this conversation. The damage you're doing, that's number 1. The damage you're doing sometimes cannot be undone. So prioritize honesty, openness, and do not neglect one another in this relationship.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
And communication's key.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Well, neglect is another death nail.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, it is.

Mary Alessi:
It it it can kill the relationship just by neglecting your the the your spouse, but the whole relationship. Right. Neglect more or less wants to look past something that could be an issue. Sure. If if you're finding a a loss of feeling, because, you know, you you shouldn't get you may get married by feelings because you think love is a feeling.

Steve Alessi:
Right. But You don't stay married. You don't stay married because

Mary Alessi:
of feeling. No. But feelings play a huge role Sure. In the way that you can connect and communicate.

Steve Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
I and I hate to bring the whole, you know, hormonal thing into it and testosterone thing into it.

Steve Alessi:
No, but you you have to.

Mary Alessi:
But you gotta know why you feel a certain way. Sure. You know, hormones and testosterone has a lot to do with the way we feel about each other on a daily basis. It's true. On days where we're really feeling it for one another, we can tell that our our levels are

Steve Alessi:
Everything's balanced.

Mary Alessi:
But once that feeling Sure. Or that experience is over, then the the the hormones and the testosterone may not be there to support the feeling. Right. So that's why it's so dangerous for me to go by feeling. And if I don't feel like I want to pay attention to something in the marriage, then I can neglect our relationship. And that's where the marriage starts to die on the vine.

Steve Alessi:
And neither neither one can feel neglected because neglect is a different experience for the wife, and it's a different experience for the husband. We experience it differently.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But, man, it is so dangerous.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
It's a death knell for sure.

Mary Alessi:
Hey, disrespect is

Steve Alessi:
another I was gonna say disrespect. Man, is it different for the wife than it is for the husband? What you hear as disrespect, I did not mean it disrespectfully. I didn't know. And I remember when you See

Mary Alessi:
that look you just had on your face? I wish people could see the look you just had on your face when you said that. Because to a man, a look that could be just a look can be interpreted as disrespect.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely. When the wife's not meeting Because it's dismissive.

Steve Alessi:
Well, I know. The looks, that's a that's a whole another time. Can we write that down for a future podcast? The looks? The looks. The looks are bad because they become they they interpret for us and what we think our spouse is saying.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
So in my mind, I did not understand that things I would say were triggers for you because they were disrespectful. And I can remember we'd sit around with other couples and we'd joke about things. Can you believe she said this to me? And your guy friends would go, woah, man. And I'm there going, what are you talking about? That is bananas. I am not being disrespectful. I had to learn. That's how you heard it. And all men, not just you.

Steve Alessi:
You weren't crazy. And it was the same in reverse. What I saw as disrespect might come across in my mind as criticism. Right. In your mind, it's, I'm helping you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
What do you mean I'm criticizing you? I'm trying to help you. I I bring a problem, and you're trying to fix it. I get all upset. What do you mean you're upset? I'm trying to help you. I didn't ask you to help me. I asked you to listen to me. Listen to me. Well, now I can see after 37 years of marriage how stupid that is, you know, because I we come to the table with what we need, not with what does my spouse need.

Steve Alessi:
We come to the table with the way I need to hear it. Yeah. And you learn over time, in order to keep your marriage alive and not kill it, that to not communicate, to neglect, to be disrespectful is one of the most toxic setting environments that you can use disrespect so quickly and it it'll trickle down to your kids. Mhmm. So they're disrespectful to the parents. And there's no there's no order and there's no honor. And respecting your husband doesn't mean a death to what you think is correct and what you think is right, or I have to submit and bow my knee. That that has that is has been completely perverted, I think, in our understanding of it.

Steve Alessi:
But there is a way that a man hears through the lens of respect, and you watch it on the ball field how men talk to one another. If you want to know how to get your husband to respond, not you, but me, other women, if you want to know how to get your husband to really respond well to you, just see how the men talk to each other. They don't interrupt them. They don't men do not interrupt each other.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, I don't know. These Latins down here It's very different. You're talking. They're just talking right over you.

Steve Alessi:
It's, sit with the Latin women.

Mary Alessi:
No. Let me say it this way. You're right. When a guy does over talk another guy, be careful because that could start a fight.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely. Yeah. Pushing, shoving. Right. So that learning world.

Steve Alessi:
I don't even think women, other than the sexual side of who they are, even factor in disrespect. Women aren't wired, respect me, not respect me other than their bodies.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. You know, that right there is a great conversation to have.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Simply simply having dinner, glass of wine, whatever, and looking at each other and saying, hey, do I ever disrespect you? And let the spouse talk. Yeah. And don't try to defend it, But listen, observe. Because we Learn. We don't know what we don't know until somebody puts a light on it. It's it's good to have that question.

Steve Alessi:
Because you're a burden on it. When you do realize I'm sorry to interrupt you. My bad. Is that disrespectful? I'm sorry. But I touched you.

Mary Alessi:
At this age, I just forget what I'm what I'm gonna say. Don't laugh at me like that now.

Steve Alessi:
It happens to me too. But the the the truth is the more you love your spouse and you're learning about your spouse a spouse, the more tender and sensitive you are towards them. Mhmm. Not just so that you get a good outcome.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because you don't wanna hurt one another.

Mary Alessi:
Right. I think another great conversation for the woman to ask the man is, do I neglect? Yeah. Am I neglecting you? Am I neglecting our relationship in any way? Especially when kids are young, am I putting more attention on the kids than I am to to you? Oh, yeah. And those are great conversation starters when we are talking about, at the beginning of this whole thing about how important communication is. That's great conversation starters. Especially when kids are little. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
We were sitting at a restaurant Sunday after church, and I happened to look over because this this was something that never would have occurred to me in a bajillion years until we went through it and then other we've watched other young couples go through it. And I'm looking over and I see this man and woman, young couple with this, like, 18 month old baby boy. And the husband is just sitting there like he's alone at the table, And the mother is just kissing and playing and loving all over this little boy, just showering him. And the father's just watching it. And he wasn't smiling. Because, you know, when there's a balance, you know, you want your wife to shower your son, obviously. But I looked at him and I thought, I wonder if he's thinking, man, that's a lot of love that she's given him and she doesn't even hold my hand. And I would have never, on my own as a woman or mother, ever thought about that.

Steve Alessi:
As a matter of fact, the younger Mary would have said, that is ridiculous. That's her baby. Of course, that husband, he's just being how selfish. Why don't you pick up the baby and hug him and kiss him like that? Yeah. But understanding the heart and the mind of a man and the need that he has to be loved and doesn't have that that same intimacy with the kid yet. Right. It grows there.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Anyway, that's just a a little

Mary Alessi:
Well, I would say this, that a a man, a husband, will would doesn't doesn't matter would not would not matter to him if she was doing that to her son or

Steve Alessi:
her daughter.

Mary Alessi:
Right. As long as when they get home She's giving him that

Steve Alessi:
same love and affection.

Mary Alessi:
Love and affection, which then leads us to this. Something else that'll kill a marriage is resentment. And that's because he won't say something or she won't say something. They harbor it in their heart. Yep. They form an argument in their mind. And then because they won't discuss it, get it out in the open. And if it's an issue, then get help with a counselor or a therapist.

Mary Alessi:
Then resentment starts to build. Yeah. And with resentment, I can remember that, Mary. I do too. I can remember fighting through every one of these issues

Mary Alessi:
that we're talking about. Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
On our road to 37, almost 38 years. They're part of marriage. They're part of marriage. And you've got to get through that. So resentment, though it's normal, it doesn't mean your your marriage is dying on the vine just because you feel a little resentment. It dies on the vine when you don't deal with that.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. Gotta catch that.

Mary Alessi:
But you realize, wait, that's just normal. It's something that every couple goes through. So let me deal with it. Because the last thing you wanna do is live with regret because you didn't deal with your resentment. Yeah. You didn't communicate better. And now you're dealing with divorce, and now you're dealing with the 2 kids, who's getting who? Then you bring a new spouse into the relationship, and that new spouse doesn't on your kid understand your kids. Right.

Mary Alessi:
There's more pressure.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, so hard.

Mary Alessi:
So you let that that resentment build and leads to divorce. Your your marriage is done. And all it took was you being able to sit back and say, wait, let me deal with this. Resentment can come from unresolved conflict. Yeah. You never resolve what the issue was. And now you resent the person.

Steve Alessi:
And if you don't know how to resolve conflict, we've done podcasts on resolving conflict. We encourage you to go back, watch them. Send us a note comment here that you want more, you know, information on resolving conflict because 1 in the couple needs to take the lead. Somebody in the within this marriage needs to take the lead. And when you hear something that you know, man, we are on the road to murdering this marriage and somebody throws you a lifeline just with a podcast like this. Hey. You've got to resolve these conflicts. You cannot leave them out there.

Steve Alessi:
They your marriage is headed for the cliff. Mhmm. You don't get to live with it. It doesn't magically disappear.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Your spouse doesn't magically change overnight. I remember asking my mom one time because my parents divorced when they got when they turned their marriage was 25. And I remember telling her, man, I just get nervous when I think what happens when I'm married 25 years. And she goes, it's not the number. It's the people. It's the mindset. Your dad and I, we didn't get it together. We how we made it 25 years, she's told me this many times, I will never know how we made it that far.

Steve Alessi:
And that was really spoke to me. Wow. We are not powerless in this. We aren't. We have the power and the ability to look at our marriages and look at our mirrors and see the areas where we either don't have the resources, we don't know how, or we're just refusing to. And if we wanna save and breathe life and resuscitate our marriage, which gives you the most beautiful the next part of your life will be the best part of your life. If you can take these principles and start applying them, they're not easy.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
You got to fight. Not let me tell you. I think the biggest battle I've ever fought is not with you. It's been with myself.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
The internal fight within myself and my pride to know I needed to do something right. Just do the right thing and the right blessings will follow. But I had to get over my own pain, my own hurt, my own pride, what I thought I was entitled to, my pettiness and my selfishness to do the right thing. And then marriage has its own rewards.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. I remember my mom saying to me before we got married, you know, Steve, just remember this about your marriage, and I've said this a number of times. She says you're gonna get married, and then you're gonna look at your spouse down the road within a year or so, and you're gonna question, did I marry the right one? And the only reason you're gonna question that is because of conflict that you're facing.

Steve Alessi:
That's

Mary Alessi:
right. But just remember this, when you're looking at her thinking that Mary's looking at you thinking, did I marry the right one? Sure. You can't help that. No. It's just part of it.

Steve Alessi:
And it helps you to know that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. It does.

Steve Alessi:
It helps you to

Mary Alessi:
know that. Conversation talking about and you know, I say that you don't take it personal.

Steve Alessi:
Not at all.

Mary Alessi:
A person that would take it personal. It's like, wait a minute. Come on, man. Get over yourself for the sake of this relationship. Well, because

Steve Alessi:
you're not being honest. You'd had the same thought.

Mary Alessi:
Come on. Okay. So, this was something you said recently, because now intimacy does plays a play a part in how to kill a marriage. If you don't have an intimacy in your marriage Yes. It's dead. Mhmm. And and you're in trouble. You really are.

Mary Alessi:
There has to be this intimacy, this sex that you share with the person. God put it in every man to have a sex drive. That's right. Now it's up to him to control that to the best of his ability. He put it within every woman to have a sex drive. So if that's not there, you you need to get some assistance from a doctor. Yep. But you said something recently that, man, I wish I could have gone back and knew that back in the day because this was an area that could have been, a place of resentment because especially with raising kids, I wanted it more.

Mary Alessi:
I wanted sex more. And you were not at this that season responding. So you said to me though, you were you said, I'll be honest with you. It's not because I wasn't turned on, Steve. You said, it's because I was just tired.

Steve Alessi:
I was tired all the time.

Mary Alessi:
I was lazy about sex.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And it makes me almost wanna cry thinking that it hurt you deeper than it hurt me.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And I didn't know that. I'm like, what's what's one more day? What's one more day? My God. Doesn't he know how tired we are? I haven't stopped. I got up at 5:30 this morning. It's 11:30 at night. We're exhausted. There's no way. I mean, I and I would go to sleep thinking, he'll sleep it off.

Steve Alessi:
I didn't realize what the way you were interpreting it was she doesn't want me.

Mary Alessi:
Not so much she doesn't want me. She doesn't want it. And I would be so ticked at you. I would be mad arguing with you in my sleep. So you could sleep. Up the next morning mad at you.

Steve Alessi:
And then I'd go, you're mad at me because I no. I'm not. And it would just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Mary Alessi:
No. You wouldn't say anything. Sometimes

Steve Alessi:
I did.

Mary Alessi:
Some of them know there but that's where the whole resentment thing comes in. That's where, where why I brought that part up.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because it could fester in

Mary Alessi:
your Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
Instead of me saying to you, Mary, I need you. Right. I want you. Yes. But I need you to share I have to have sex with you. Yeah. And you couldn't look at me and think, well, you're just over sexed. No.

Mary Alessi:
And we would go through the whole thing. I mean, I would read up on it because I'm like, I wanna be right here. Right. I don't wanna get off. And I know the drive within me could have gotten me off, which would have destroyed our lives, destroyed our marriage, destroyed our our ministry. I knew I couldn't play there. Right. So I would go study and I would sit back and I'll never forget.

Mary Alessi:
I heard a guy say, in a a teaching similar to what we're talking about now, says, hey, if you're hungry in the morning and you eat breakfast, don't penalize yourself for being hungry at noon and then being hungry for dinner. Right. It's the same with your sex drive. And you shouldn't and we had this conversation. Don't punish me, Mary, because I'm hungry the next morning or

Mary Alessi:
the next night. Right.

Mary Alessi:
I I'm I need this. And what I have found over the years, this is stupid. I know. But on this matter of sex, I really needed that intimacy with you. Yes. Me. Absolutely. For a guy who's not supposed to need anything

Steve Alessi:
That's it.

Mary Alessi:
And ever be needy

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I had to realize and communicate to you, baby, I need this. Yeah. Yeah. And that helped us because intimacy needed to stay in our marriage, and we find ourselves stronger today. And even in that area of our intimacy, stronger today than when we were younger. Absolutely. Because we realized it's not just about the half.

Steve Alessi:
And some people can say, oh, we have more time.

Mary Alessi:
Let me let me let me say that again. Go

Steve Alessi:
on. Sorry. Go ahead.

Mary Alessi:
I'll move on.

Steve Alessi:
But then you finish.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. Sex is not just about the act.

Steve Alessi:
No, it's not.

Mary Alessi:
There's something, and I don't want to mess this up, but there's something that's almost spiritual about it. Yeah. Because of that connection, which is why it's so important for young people to save that for the marriage relationship.

Steve Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
That's why God says, save it for the marriage bed. Agree. Because there's something sacred about it that feeds you in an area of your life that goes beyond just a physical act. Oh, absolutely. What it gives a couple. So I'm hammering on this. Right. Because if you wanna kill your marriage

Mary Alessi:
Neglect this part. You you neglect this part.

Mary Alessi:
That's right. It's it's needed. And if you don't have the drive for your spouse, my buddy, I this is a terrible thing to say, but he would always say it, and it was true. If you don't take care of your wife, your neighbor will. Yeah. And if you don't take care of your husband, his secretary will. Yeah. You there's that is a need that has to be met.

Mary Alessi:
So is porn meeting that need if you're not taking care

Mary Alessi:
of it with your spouse? Most likely. Yeah. Especially today.

Mary Alessi:
And if you're in porn, then you've already replaced your spouse with somebody that's not even real.

Steve Alessi:
And it doesn't fill that void.

Mary Alessi:
It doesn't.

Steve Alessi:
It doesn't do what intimacy and sex does with a husband and wife.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
It does not fill that need.

Mary Alessi:
And and, not to be crude, but if one member of the in in the relationship is not in the mood, it's okay. They don't have to be in the mood. Right. If you are in the mood, you have to have that conversation to say, well, will you at least take care of me

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
If I'm in the mood? Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And the other partner needs to say, yes. I will.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. I agree. I think we should have paid for the subscription for that piece. But anyway, what I was gonna

Mary Alessi:
say on life support, here we go.

Steve Alessi:
We're just

Mary Alessi:
giving it some life.

Steve Alessi:
What I was gonna say and you interrupted me. I'm kidding. I interrupted you. What I was gonna say was it's so easy for young wives and young mothers to say, I'm so tired. I don't have time. I don't feel good, blah blah blah. When you're really avoiding the truth, yes, you're tired, and your libido is low. Okay? So what happens though is in the communicating of one another and I'm just gonna say this is my last little piece I'm gonna add.

Steve Alessi:
If a husband would say to her his wife, I miss you and I need you. Where however I can get you, I love you. Please save some of that for me. And I know we get mad, you know, when our husbands do that, like, don't love our kids more than you love me. The the best thing to say is, I cannot wait to be with you tonight. I am so looking forward to being with you tonight. And if she says, oh, I'm so tired, just know she's just giving in to her fatigue and not make it more than it is. But a wife, and the Bible says that her body belongs to him.

Steve Alessi:
And I know we don't like that, but here's the reward from that, that when you you say yes and you don't just say yes, you pursue. You've got to be one that pursues as well. There's an exchange that that happens. You you know, my friend and I have talked about it many times. Whenever you say yes and you didn't want to, it's always the best yes you ever said. Something happens. It's like the best encounter we've had. It's the most beautiful moment we've had.

Steve Alessi:
So just always be in a posture to say, I don't want my husband to ever feel like I neglect him in the area that he needs me physically. I don't want you to feel that way. So let me stay in a posture of talking about it, finding ways. And just because you have more time, like we have more time, doesn't mean it's gonna naturally be there. It's something that has to be cultivated.

Mary Alessi:
Mhmm. Well, I think it was Nancy Reagan who started a campaign for against drugs that said, just say no. We're starting a campaign for sex. Just say yes, which then leads us to this, Mary. Unrealistic expectations Yeah. Can kill Yep. A marriage. Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And that just simply comes down to, I believe, again, why, communication is so important. Because we look at our spouse. We may expect something from them. If we're not getting it, talk. Yeah. Just don't have this unrealistic image in your mind of the way your spouse should be treating you or behaving. Yeah. Because you don't know what they're feeling and thinking and going through.

Steve Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
So the communication is so important because it eliminates having those unrealistic dreams that you put on one another. And I used to put that on you. That was a challenge. I was expecting something from you at a certain season of our life that you were trying to give me and it was burning you out. The pressure of it was not just the pressure kept you under pressure and under the weight of it. When I finally took that weight off of you, you were who I married.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Which was that happy, fun loving, joking, make things quick and fun in life. And I lost that for a while because you felt the pressure of unrealistic expectations that I was putting on you. Right. Which to this day, I don't ever want you to be anything but happy Yeah. Because it pays off for me.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
When you're happy And you're clear about that almost every day.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You almost over communicate that. And that that really brings us to the most beautiful place in our relationship we've ever been in probably in the last 10 years. Yeah. Meaning the last 10 years have been the most beautiful. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It pays For sure. It pays to press through

Mary Alessi:
It does. The hard times in

Mary Alessi:
your marriage and stay married. Mhmm. It pays to pray for your spouse, pray for your marriage.

Steve Alessi:
It does.

Mary Alessi:
To surround yourself in a church environment so that you're encouraged by other healthy couples and families. It pays to be able to do that. And your future generation, your legacy says a big thank you to you for being able to do it. Because here's what we want for you, and we hope today has given you that. We want your marriage to thrive.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And to do so, there's some great ways, things that you can do personal. That's right. And you'll be amazed at how your marriage comes back to life. If it's been on the verge of death, there's life, and you will feel so much better because of it. Thanks for watching another episode of the family business with the Alessis. I've had fun with this message to me. Me too. Alright.

Mary Alessi:
Take care.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode, and share it with them. You'll be helping them, and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alessefamilybusiness.com, and tap the ask the Alesses button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.