Jeans and Genes: Taking On Gender and Identity Conversations In Your Family | S3 E18

Steve Alessi  

Hello, and welcome to another episode of The Family Business with The Alessis, and today Steve Alessi is here with Mary Alessi, and Gabrielle Alessi, so we've got all the Alessis, or some of the Alessis around this table.

Mary Alessi  

The oldest and the youngest here. 

Steve Alessi  

Oh boy, that represent our part of our family ministry business that we have, and what we do in our podcast booth is, we are talking about things here that we don't get to talk about on Sunday. 

So The Family Business podcast is all about that, because family is everybody's business, we want to make sure we are touching some area of family life when we come together now, today, I'm starting my timer, one minute late, so, I'm hoping to go 30 minutes, but here we are. 

And we're going to be looking at a subject matter that came up with Gabby on the porch the other day, because a lot of our conversations that we have in the podcast booth, with our audience, are things that we discussed as a family. So you are responsible for our youth ministry. 

Gaby Alessi  

Yes. 

Steve Alessi  

Here at the church, and you head up on Monday night, and a Wednesday night two different locations, and you wanted to talk about the whole gender issues, so, let's put a title on this today. And we're going to call it jeans and genes, yes, all right, J-E-A-N-S, and G-E-N-E-S, and we're going to go ahead, and deal with the gender issues that our youth, and parents are dealing with today, so, to get going, you want to say anything to kick this off, ma'am.

Yes, I just want to notice what you're wearing.

Gaby Alessi  

Yes, we need to say something, she did, say something 

Mary Alessi  

I just did, welcome to my world, people. 

Gaby Alessi  

So we have, "Gianna's Papa." 

Steve Alessi  

Which is a granddaughter.

Gaby Alessi  

Yes, our granddaughter, by the time this is aired she will be—

Steve Alessi  

She'll be here, right, so, we're representing, and what are you wearing, Mary?

Mary Alessi  

I have "Gianna's Mia," because I'm going to be called me Mia, well, that's my goal, we'll see what she wants to call me. Hopefully, it's somewhere close to that. But we'll see, so, we have some great friends of ours had this shirts made for us, which is so sweet. 

Steve Alessi  

Very sweet.

Mary Alessi  

And, so, actually, I think we're wearing them in hopes that it will induce labor.

Steve Alessi  

 Thanks, Donnie, I like mine. 

Mary Alessi  

Thanks, Denise, I love mine.

Steve Alessi  

And somebody did these for us. Who?

Gaby Alessi  

Yes, Adriana Roman made them. 

That is Jonathan and Jackie Roman's daughter.

Mary Alessi  

She is a fairy tale. 

Steve Alessi  

She's very cool, well, thank you for recognizing these, and your comments to everybody, as we get into these very deep issue, Mary.

Mary Alessi  

Wow, this is— I have to be honest with you, I'm kind of shell-shocked that we're even having to have this conversation, because, you know, how did we get here so fast and furiously, that this is the turmoil our kids are in this is the fight of their generation, who they are as boys or girls. 

You know, we struggled with who we are as people, you know, and they're actually struggling with who they are as gender, and that is just beyond me, and I had to said to our kids years ago— we've talked to them about being in the family business with us, that there would come a day when they were—when we knew, they were born for such a time, to speak to their generation's issues and situations, and have answers. I can honestly say, I never projected that this would be the subject at hand, that it would be so prevalent, even among kids whose parents really are involved, that this is something that they're fighting on the front lines of their of kids everyday existence. 

So it's imperative that we get in this podcast booth and have this conversation, because there is resources for parents,  and that's what we're trying to do with our family business, and this podcast is to give them resources to know how to take it back and fight for their kids, but again, it's just surreal, this is even a thing.

Steve Alessi  

Well, I'll tell you this, it's not that we're going to be combative here today, and we don't hate anybody, we don't have a problem, what we want to try to do is help the parents, who are having problems with this in their home, and even some of the younger listeners now. We are in ministry, we are pastors, everything we do has a foundational Bible truth. 

Everything we build is on Bible truths from the Word of God, our Bibles, so, if a listener is not accustomed to that, then you know, just kind of hold true to some of these things we're sharing because maybe having the truth of the Bible will bring more stability to your life, If you're not a churchgoer, you're not in that, you don't call yourself a Christian, or you're not religious, spiritual, just give us some room throughout this podcast to use biblical scriptures because that's what we found our build our life upon. 

It's definitely who we build or what we build our church upon, so, that being said, Gabs, let's get into how this came about, and some of the things that you were led to share just a week ago.

Gaby Alessi  

Yeah, So, when I spoke last Wednesday, or a couple of weeks ago, I shared with all of the students how I truly believe to this day, the hardest things to fit into our jeans, and not the genes of your blood, the jeans that you wear, J-E-A-N, Levi's, I think the hardest thing is truly to fit into our jeans, because you can never have the right size, they either fit around your waist, but they don't fit around your legs. When I was younger, that was the hardest thing for me, because I was much more chunky and round, so finding the right pair of jeans that fit me was so difficult. 

And kids have that— the same way, and the same struggle that you have trying to fit into jeans, is the same struggle that kids are going through right now fitting into the world, that's good fitting into their schools, fitting into the culture fitting into social media, because now that's become a platform or a community to fit into. 

So, kids are having this struggle where I even told them we will wear how sometimes wear a pair of jeans that are too tight, but they look good on us, and so in the morning, you feel good because you haven't eaten anything, but you'll go all day, and you're thinking I look good, these are my jeans, these fit me, and then by the end of the day, you're like, oh my gosh, I need to take off these pants, so, at dinner, you just pop open the top button, put your shirt over it, because you are trying to fit a mold, right, and an image that isn't you. 

And, so, just like we do that with jeans, we do that with different personalities. We do that with different identities, different traits, different parts of our character that we actually try to fit into an idea and a society that we know is not us, and part of that is because we are in this world, but we're not of this world, kids need to know that they were made by God, they were set apart by God. So, they're never going to fully fit in to this world, but the biggest thing here and what you said earlier mom, that you can't believe it's we're talking about gender. 

At the root of it, we're talking about confusion, and every teenager from right now to the beginning of time dealt with confusion, and so are the other in one way or another. It's the same tactics. It's the same old game that the devil is playing, but what he's doing is he's covering up to make parents, afraid or to make siblings afraid to make people, fearful of what's going to happen when they're with their child when at the root of it, they are confused, and they need help, and what do you do as a parent, you help bring clarity, you help bring affirmation to the situation, you help bring confidence to your child. 

We know the enemy is a father of lies, so, he's going to confuse your child, he's going to get in there, and now he's using confusion about their gender, about their personality, about their beliefs, its kids are stepping into adult decisions way before they're even able to vote nowadays. They're being told, make an opinion and have your opinion on all of these issues, according to gender. Oh, but you don't have a say on who the president is, so, why are we getting kids involved in these issues? If they can't even help make a decision. 

Steve Alessi  

Or they can't drive a car until they are 15, why are we giving them all that confused information about the driving their life with their gender?

Gaby Alessi  

Yeah, so, it's at the root of it, it's confusion, and kids are trying to fit into a society when they need to be informed and spoken to about this isn't who you are, you are a child of God. 

Steve Alessi  

Well, we'll look at the Bible for a minute here, and this is Jeremiah, a prophet over in the Old Testament, and it says, "The word of the Lord came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you before you were born. I set you apart. I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'" I just, that first phrase before I formed you, I knew you now God the All-Knowing all powerful one knows you. 

And if He knows you, then He made you a certain way coming out of the womb, who is the man that then should come along somewhere and try to tell you, you're not who you were made to be, that's a pain, I mean, that's like, I hope you're this word may not be the best word, but it's like mind rape. You can't go tell a kid. No, did you have everything that says you're a certain gender? Because God knew exactly what he needed you to be to get on this earth.

You can't tell that person then don't you're not that, that you are something else you're another sex. You're another gender, that's mind rape, It messes a kid up which is ─

Gaby Alessi  

Traumatic. 

Steve Alessi  

It is very dramatic, talk about gender confusion, you're confusing someone even more, so, the All-Knowing one who knows everything knows how to put this whole world together knows how this works in the world. 

To keep a healthy world environment, you need a male, you need a female, you need them to be able to have children. Now you're getting in there with the enemy that is the author of confusion to try to get there, and confuse your kid. And a parent has to be in a position where they say wait, son, daughter, don't buy into that, we don't have to argue with him, we just need to make sure that our voice is more consistent, than the voice of someone that's outside of their life. 

Trying to speak to them about gender and social media, which isn't a reason why you got to protect your kids with social media, and the influence of television, what they're watching on television, and you got to protect them because those are the voices right now, do not play along, by the same set of rules that God's word is playing by for you. It's very simple. It's black and white, it's male or female.

Mary Alessi  

There's no question.

Steve Alessi  

This is not about the alphabet, know who we are. We don't have to go down all of those, if you watch individuals that are dealing with this, that is a male that's painting his fingernails, putting makeup on, you see a very confused and here a very confused, and hurt person, and that's why when we get into this, it's so confusing, because we don't want to hurt anybody, but if we let them stay in that deception, they'll be hurt even more down the road.

Mary Alessi  

I have to say this, because I think it's a great analogy, I know for me when I'm struggling with something, when I see a picture of the end result that helps me, but I was listening to a video of a pilot in Canada, and he was telling the story of years ago, it was one of the worst aviation accidents of all time, and it was two huge airliners that were on a jet way, you can look it up, and read it and hear the story, In total, there were over 500 people on these planes. 

And the two, because it was a very dense day, the two pilots just trusted what was in their ears, and instead of asking the normal question, It's so foggy, should we not take off? This is potentially dangerous to take off in this fog, they're both on the ground, they don't ask the questions, because they just trust the other people around them that they would never do damage or harm, they didn't take that sense of urgency in their own hands, meanwhile, they were having these thoughts like, this is so foggy, this is so dense, I know once we get above, it will be okay.

But should I ask, no, and they just didn't either one of them did when they took off, they collided, and almost 600, 000 people— sorry, 600 people were killed that day in what is considered the worst, most tragic aviation in history, and you can look it up, but he made this statement, he said the problem that we have with a world that keeps burning and getting on fire is that there are two phrases we don't say. He said the first one is, "this is stupid." And the second one is, "this is dangerous." And because it's stupid, It's dangerous. And I was so struck by that, because we are so caught up in, well, we don't want to hurt anybody, and we love everybody. 

We're not trying, when it comes to my children, I am going to be fierce, and that's not even a part of the conversation or the equation, this is stupid, this thought process to listen to somebody at school who's trying to tell you, you're something you're not is stupid, I don't care if you're straight, gay, trans, too skinny, too fat, like a boy, like whatever they're trying to label on you, that's stupid, the person may not be stupid, but what they're trying to propagate in your mind, this is stupid, and if you believe it, it's dangerous. 

And I think that's what we need to be thinking more, and more, as parents, we've been way too overly empathetic to the people that aren't our kids, and more sensitive to the words that are coming out, because I want to be politically correct, and I don't want to hurt anybody, the only person you're hurting by not saying, "Son, that is stupid. Those thoughts are stupid. And guess what? They're dangerous for you." When you hear words like that, it shocks your system. 

Because your parent is not trying to, well, you know, now, your friend means well, no, no, no, that's stupid. And the truth is, if we don't do it, the end result is catastrophic, there's no in between, there's no happy ending in this scenario, zero.

Gaby Alessi  

Well, Mom, if there was a guy, suspicious guy running around our yard, yeah. And I thought he's going to break into my house, what I'm going to do is to call out, I'm going to say, "Hey, guys, there's a robber in our home."

Mary Alessi  

You did it. 

Gaby Alessi  

I did it, any person, any parent, any child, if you sense that someone's about to come into your home or break into your car, you sounded the alarm, you catch them, you make sure you're going to do it, if you are sensing a spirit that's coming into your home, and you feel like it's about to take something from you, if you're sensing something that is off. 

We don't just say don't say anything, just let them come in, let's see what happens, because if I call him out, he's going to be offended, but I accuse him of being a robber, even though he's walking with my watches, I don't want to call him a robber. 

Mary Alessi  

And he could kill us. 

Gaby Alessi  

And he could kill me, no, call them out, yeah, you're protecting your family, you don't need to protect the person that's stealing something from you. 

Steve Alessi  

Gaby, when I was growing up, and I got caught doing some with a buddy, my parents would tell me, and this is where I wish parents would get again, come back to this today be apparent instead of trying to be a friend to your kid. And they would say, Hey, why did you do that? I said, Well, David did it, and they would make that stupid, or they would make that comment that always make me feel stupid, well, if David jumped off a bridge, would you? And I'm like, no, that's right, because we're not going to let you jump off that bridge, well, parents are they're like, go ahead, jump off the bridge with David.

Gaby Alessi  

What were David's parents? What was their thought process behind them? That's right. 

Steve Alessi  

But just go jump off the bridge? Because you know, I want, I don't want you to be upset or confused, or, you know, go to school, do it, oh, parents need to be a parent, and quit trying to be a friend to your kid, and parenting during those young years are the most important, and here's one of the reasons why God gave you a child is for you to raise that. The Bible tells us children are a heritage of the Lord, they're a gift that God gave you, they're not even yours, they're His, that He gave you for a period of time to raise up properly.

Bible says, "Raise up a child and the way that he should go, and when he's older, he won't depart from it." There's a way in which to do it, so, that when they get older, they won't depart from it, well, that means you only have them there on loan for about 18 years, so, you better take care of the gift that's been given to as a parent, and don't let somebody else get in there, mess up your gift that is yours, because you're going to stand accountable, all this is going to stand up accountable, say what God's going to say, what do you do with the gift? What do you do with the kid? And your kids tell on you? 

So, if your kids are living a confused life, I hate to tell you. It's proof that something in the home isn't solid, and very secure with teaching and values, if others people's values that are contrary to yours, are being played out in your home, that may happen for a minute, right? But continual addressing the continuous continually addressing what is not the right kind of values in the home is strong parenting, and it's going to root out that stuff, in the long run.

Gaby Alessi  

Whenever I mean, we have a friend that she pulled out her daughter, she's even four years old, and they noticed that she would go to school, it was a cute little Christian school, more like a daycare, but even there their daughter came home, and she picked up little attitudes, and they thought she's three and a half, four, how was she already picking up something from outside? She's already letting an as a four- year-old just little attitudes and not listening, not sharing with her sister, those little things. 

They were like she's getting that from school, and they pulled her out, because they said this is not we're not going to accept this, It should not change when your kids in high school, middle school, If you see an attitude, or a mindset, if you're noticing when you gave them the phone, and they've been on Instagram for too long, and now you're noticing, ever since you gave them that phone, they're creating this attitude or this idea of protecting a group of people, take out the thing that is affecting them, if it's at school, figure out how to get them out of there because it's only a season of time, and you need to make sure because this is the season where your kids are growing.

They're proving themselves, everything is going to stick right now, so, as a parent, if it's a school that is a problem, take them out, I survived. I'm graduating in a week, I made it through homeschooling, you can graduate from a great university, you can do it, even have your own school, If it's the phone, take away the phone from them, they don't need a phone, my parents are a perfect example, teenagers, we don't need phones, when we are teenagers, you can make it you can survive, if it's social media season, it's just a season, get them to that age where they're competent and secure of themselves, and then you can take a sigh of relief.

Mary Alessi  

And that is so good, because I think what happens with parents, especially nowadays, is the false teachers, as I like to call them because what of the word calls them, that have made parents believe that they have to submit to a process and a system, or somehow their kid fails, so, if that's the system, and I don't allow my kid to live up to that system, and participate in that system and get an A within that system, then I'm failing as a parent. 

Meanwhile, you go sit, I really challenge every parent, mom or dad, go sit one day, in your student's class, or just spend all day take a day off, and just go sit and walk with them through the halls, walk, sit with them at lunch in the lunchroom, and just see what they experience and the spirit that's there, and is that really the environment you want your kids in? Because you have, it's a short window, so when you're really aware, and I know moms will say Oh, I did that. 

Before my kids started school, I went, I talked to the teacher, that's well and good. But in today's society, it's the kids that are more dynamic and outspoken than ever before, because they're also, they're ignorant. They don't mean any harm. But they're all just trying to find their place, so, it makes them feel good to tell your son and all these girls, if you don't have boys around you, or if you're not around the boys playing sports, and you like you're around the girls, well, you're gay, and it's okay to be gay. 

Well, Who are you to tell me who I am? The bottom line. Or, you know, you look, you would make a pretty girl, so, maybe  you should be one, or you would make a really good-looking guy, and you're a tomboy, and you like softball, you should be a boy, who are you to tell me who I am. You don't have any voice in my life, and that's really the posture parents can take, don't let anybody tell you who you are. And you know what, that's never changed.

No matter what the fruit is, I remember my mother telling me that, your mother telling you that, we told you that nobody gets to define you and tell you who you are. We do at home, we're the ones who say who you are, who God's made you to be and what your potential is. So, don't leave it up to the circle of friends, and one last thing is, catch it in seed form, if the seed you were talking about attitude, it's just started, jump on it right away, do not wait for it to bear greater fruit in their lives.

Steve Alessi  

Especially if you have a kid that's a little rebellious early on, and you can see that start dealing with a young kid, I'm going to make an announcement here that the church family doesn't even know about yet, but they'll get it, we have officially launched Somerset Metro Academy, and it'll be starting in August of this year. And it's going to be with kindergarteners and first-graders for the first couple of years. 

As we go forward here, smaller number for right now limited, and we have partnered strategically with a great organization and charter schools. And— 

Gaby Alessi  

At our Dadeland campus.

Steve Alessi  

At our Dadeland campus, the reason we're doing it is you know, quite frankly, I'm done arguing about this, and you know that we got to do something rather than just say something, and with parents, I hope they see the same thing here. I'm not going to just get up on some stage and talk against something, I'm going to get involved and do something about it. 

And so we're going to make it at their earliest age possible, we're going to help these kids and eventually be at a place where for the first eight school years, nine school years of their lives, we are there with good principles, healthy principles, healthy teachers and environment, professional environment, clean environment, healthy, good educators. We're doing all of that because we're just not going to argue anymore, we're going to do something for our small part of the world and help people that want to come alongside of us and do it the way that is right. 

And if we can do that, by the time that child does graduate from their eighth grade experiencing moves into a middle school, they'll be so solidly grounded in the right kind of principles. That's our goal anyway, then they'll be able to face the challenges that are beyond that middle school and in high school, or high school in itself in college. 

So, that's where we're going to be taking the fight is to the young minds at the educational, the youngest educational level, so, that parents who do have to go out and fight the real battles of life with their career, they can find a good place of education that will align itself with the same kind of godly principles, and values that we hold on to, so that shouldn't be something that we'll be hearing more about going forward, but help me do this Gabs, because parents, feel like their hands are tied, and what are you trying to encourage parents to do to help their kids see the right of this?

Yeah, well, number one, do not be afraid of it, I think that's that's the biggest thing. Don't fear an idea? Or an attitude that's coming out in your kid? Don't fear your kid? Don't be afraid that you don't know what to do in this situation? Yes, the struggles are different nowadays, But like we said, the route is the same, all it is, is an identity issue. And every teenager goes through the same thing of an identity crisis, it's going to happen. It needs to happen to strengthen them, so that when they're older, they're more confident in themselves. 

Gaby Alessi  

So they need to have this time. So number one, don't be afraid of it. Number two, affirm your kid. And, so, in the seeds of who they are, you do it before anybody else does. I would say catch it early, have the conversations with your kid, hey, people are going to tell you this about you, people are going to try to share this with you, people are going to try to whisper this in your ear, but you are this, you are who God says you are. 

You are like me and your mom, you're like me and your dad, look at us, look at how we've lived our lives. It's worked for us because we followed the Lord is going to work for you. 

Mary Alessi  

And this is our family. 

Gaby Alessi  

This is our family, this is how we do it, can I tell you, we have it above our door right now at our house, but even we've had it on our entire lives where it says, as for me in my house, we will serve the Lord, and that statement, I swear, every time you guys reprimanded us, you brought that in there.  

Steve Alessi  

Don't swear. 

Gaby Alessi  

Oh, sorry. Um, but every time you guys brought that, I promise— 

Steve Alessi  

you can cuss, you just can't swear.

Gaby Alessi  

I promise every single time we had a family discussion, it ended with hey, and at the end of the day, as for this house, we serve the Lord, this is what we do, and so have those conversations with your kid, don't be afraid of it, don't be afraid of their response, don't be afraid of what they're going to say, how they're going to act, if they're going to get mad at you, don't be afraid, you're the parent, you know what to do. You have the instincts for it, God has put you in that place for a reason, you can do it. 

If I'm 22. And I have to sit in front of all of these students every Monday and Wednesday and speak to them. You can do it as a parent, It's difficult for me, but I know that the Lord has put me here for such a time as this, and I believe the same thing for every parent, the Lord has placed you as their parent for such a time as this, you are equipped for it. Don't be afraid to affirm your children, keep them around you have the dinner conversations, and just love on them and keep them in church, yes, keep them in church, that's homework, they can say up late for homework, honestly. Keep them in church.

Steve Alessi  

Mary, what do you want to say?

Mary Alessi  

Everything she said, and then some, with emphasis, and again, don't be afraid, don't be a scared parent, no matter what the scenario is, take charge of your home, lovingly, kindly, but strategically and with confidence, because it is so easy, we get in the comparison trap, get out of that trap.  There's a season in your life when your kids are in that incubation stage, they really truly are, and obviously that those age brackets have kind of moved around a little bit as the culture has gotten crazy, But take confidence in who you are, as a parent. 

Don't have another mom or another dad, you are it. So, be strong, be courageous, don't be afraid of the scenarios that are out there, there's a lot of trouble that's lurking, but don't be afraid of it and take charge.

Steve Alessi  

Do this before we close this out, I want you to take a minute and hit the whole thing of the parent who says I don't want to force something on my kid, and whether it's this right here. Oh, I can't if this is you know if it's a male, and he's acting like a female, I don't want to tell him, that he's not a female, I don't want to tell him that he's a male. Or if it's Hey, let's go to church this Sunday or you know now I want to go to the beach, I want to go play in the pool, no talk  about that in comparison, Mary, because I think Gabby picked up your analogy about the broccoli and celery.

Gaby Alessi  

So someone tells you, I don't want to force church, I don't want to force this idea on my kid, I want it to be I want it to come from their heart, well, my thought, or my response is this, If you want your kid to, to live, to live a healthy life, and to live long, and to be energized, you're going to force broccoli, you're going to force celery, you're going to force healthy food on your child, you're not going to give them McDonald's every single day. 

And I can tell you that your kid is not going to voluntarily say, Mom, I want broccoli for dinner. That's not just going to happen, their, palate has to be trained. And so the same goes for church, you know, it's good for them, you know, it's going to help them live a long, successful, blessed life, it's going to help them it's going to help train them. So just like you forced broccoli, and you tell them you're not leaving this table until you eat the broccoli─ 

Mary Alessi  

And math and science. 

Gaby Alessi  

And math and science, yes, the same thing goes for church, the same thing goes for teaching them these ideas, don't let them get up from the table unless they have attended to church, unless they have understood what you're saying.

Mary Alessi  

And I'll just paint this quick picture doing that, if you don't reinforce that it's like telling your kids, let's just send you out to the world without a map, you're just allowing them to stay in a season of being lost, and you cannot do that, you have to be the compass, you are the guide, nobody else is not the teacher, not the principal, not the best friend, nobody but you, you are the guide and the compass of their life.

Steve Alessi  

Well, welcome to another edition of The Family Business podcast. It's like we sat out on the back porch, had a little glass of wine, or I did it's going to say, and we just had a family chat, yes, and that's how we do it, to make sure our family stays on point, and we don't get swayed by the different voices in the winds that are out there trying to pull us in the opposite direction, and I hope that that's what you will pick up out of this podcast today. 

Be a strong parent, be it be a parent that knows what's right and wrong, and then teach it to your kids and don't have to depend on somebody else doing it for you like a teacher that doesn't have that investment in your kid's life. All right, we said it can't talk about it on Sunday, but we did today in the podcast booth, and thanks again for joining the Alessi.

Gaby Alessi  

Family Business, Family Business podcast with the Alessis.

Steve Alessi  

Because family is everybody's business.