Kicker Chaos: Marriage, Gender Roles and Thoughts on the Harrison Butker Speech | S6 E35

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What would we do if I was one of those husbands who's like, the kid's your responsibility? He would never go to sleep. Yeah. But what would you do if you said, the kid is mine?

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Well, hello and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. And today, the Alessis are Chris and Rochelle Alessi. So we get to be in the podcast booth today, and, we have something very interesting to talk about. Mhmm.

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Good stuff. But, you look great. I'm glad you're here. Thank you. I have the Alessi family, business mug, and you have something different. Yes. So I am actually waiting for the new mug because I already ordered it, but I'm waiting Yappuccino. The Yappuccino mug that is already available. So you guys can come get it, but mine is on the way. So because I'm waiting for that mug, my cup will be white. But on the next episode, I'll have that mug. Okay. The cappuccino mug. Yes. The the professional yapper. If you don't know what we're referring to. In episode 31, Gabby, you just go watch episode 31. Yes. Trust me. But And then get the mug. And then get the mug, the Apecino mug.

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Yes. Well, today, we're talking about something that, you know, it's interesting. Before we were even brought up in discussing this for a podcast, we were talking about this at home. Yeah.

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One particular night, we were hanging out. I think, your sister was over, and we were just like, I'm I'd left and watched a 20 minute video. And we're referencing, of course, the Chiefs kicker, Harrison Butker. Great name, Butker.

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He gave a commencement speech at Benedictine College in Kansas.

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And as a result, there's been a lot of discussion, a lot of, you know, negative comments his way, people saying he should lose his job, and really calling him a misogynist, calling him sexist because of comments that he made that when I watched it, you know, his particular point, if you, haven't gone and seen it and you're interested or if you've if you have an opinion and you haven't actually gone and watched it, you probably should. But his point as in the whole 20 minute speech, he is talking about how the Catholic church, because he's a Catholic, how he feels the Catholic church has basically failed because they're not pushing God's word. They're not going and making disciples. They're not honoring the right things. So he says some pretty hard stuff to the Catholic church, to men, but in between all that, he's got a one minute clip where he's talking about his wife.

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And in that clip, he just says, you know, ladies, I'm so glad you've accomplished so much today because I did graduate college. I know many of you are thinking about your, your jobs and the promotions, but I would guess to say he says the word guess.

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I would guess the majority of you are thinking about your your future husband and thinking about your kids. And then he went on a, like, 40 second beautiful rant with tears in his eyes, talking about how his wife choosing to stay home and take care of their family and be a wife and a mother has helped him because it even keeps him tethered to the right thing. So we started talking about that because there's been a lot of discussion about, you know, traditional gender roles and sexism and all that. So I watched it. I I I saw the clip, and then I came and I showed you the clip.

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Yeah. And now we're here talking about it. So what do you remember thinking when you first saw the clip? So at first, you told me about it, and you didn't show me anything. You just told me what was happening, because you follow the sports and all of that. So usually I'm like, oh, what's the drama happening with the sports now?

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And when you brought it up, I'm like, Oh, what did he say?

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Because when you were talking to me based on the comments, I'm thinking, did he say something wrong? Did he try to say something that communicated something different? But then as we continue to talk about it, I'm like, can you show me the clip? And you actually showed me the clip that the the moment that he was speaking about that's about his wife. And I remember sitting there, and I was just a little confused because based on what the things we heard people were responding to, to what he said for me, it didn't add up. And so I was just like, I'm confused. Why are people saying some of these things when that's not what he said? You know? Yeah. So that, you know, Gabby and I, in that episode 31, actually talked about how people are just responding with no context.

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People are going out there and not really knowing what people are saying. And in this case, it's even worse because there were there were sports pundits and people that get paid a lot of money to talk sports, to write about sports, calling for this guy's job, saying he should get cut. And I'm like, when was the last time you actually saw a professional man on the stage crying, thanking his wife because his most important job is father and husband, and he couldn't do that without her? Yeah. That's, like, the most beautiful thing. Well, this has sparked a conversation even, you know, in our offices between us about what do we believe about that. How how do how do we look at traditional gender roles? How does it work for us? Because this is the family business podcast, and, shocker, it's not just men having these discussions. There are women who are here who have full time jobs. My mom traveled the world for years, leaving us at home with dad. She had a full time job that whole time. So running the church with my dad was her full time job. Her side gig was being a worship artist and traveling and putting worship projects together.

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You have a full time job here. Yeah. Every single hour that I'm on the clock, you're on the clock.

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Yeah. Stephanie, full time job as a mother of 2. So this church is ran by phenomenal men and phenomenal women who both have families, and and and they have children. So it's evident that we don't subscribe to just one or the other. Yeah. That we believe, especially when it comes from, like, a respecting women perspective, that it's less about men and less about women, and it's more about the family.

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Yeah. And it's about the unit that they create when they come together.

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Yeah. So what is it like for you as a woman who works when you hear the way that people are reacting to this guy, claiming all he's saying is women belong in the kitchen, which, by the way, if my wife could spend the majority of her time in the kitchen, she would love it. Am I wrong? No. Okay. She spent an entire Friday Saturday making every single meal over those 2 days from scratch. Yes. And you were energized by it. You loved it.

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So what what is that whole discussion like for you? I think for me, I I go to think first that everybody's life is a little bit different. And some moms will choose to be full time at home because that's what they wanna do. And some are gonna say, I also wanna work and I have a career because they have a passion for something that they've been doing it for years or something that they wanna accomplish.

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And I don't think either is wrong. If you wanna stay home with your kids and just let that be what you do, that's a full time job too. And if you wanna work, then you could do it as well. For me, I only have one baby right now, so I can't Yes. So I can speak for moms to have multiple, but I know I won multiple kids and I wanna continue to do both.

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I wanna work and be a mom. I I I think there's enough room for us to do both as long as our priorities are in line correctly. We can't put our what I think about is this. I can work. Yes. And I wanna help build the church. Yes. And I wanna work on side businesses.

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Yes. Because I I have passions for things, and I I have a I want a creative outlet in some areas, and I think our life allows us to do that. And you have been my biggest supporter when it comes to work and even the ideas of anything that I might wanna do later on. As aside, you're the first one to tell me, you can do it all. You believe in me that much. But, ultimately, you and I know that our main priorities are home and our family. Yeah. We are not gonna put work and our side of businesses or any of those things first before we put our family first. Because all those things is the things that we can add to make our lives better.

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But what will forever be us is us in our Marina right now and our future kids. And we need to get that in order. I can work. I can have my full time job, but my priority is gonna be my home. Yeah. To be 1, your wife, to serve you, to honor you, and then to be a great mom to Marino. To strive to be the healthiest that I can be, to provide a great atmosphere in our home, not always perfect, but the best that we can. Yeah. Because when I ultimate look at my roles and responsibilities, the most important title that I hold is being your wife and being Marino's mom. Yeah. And I still wanna work and I wanna be excellent on my work and I have goals. I have those goals that I wanna achieve. Here at the church, we're talking about 5 year plans, the year vision and being in the year vision, it honestly opened my eyes to things that I wanna do outside of here. And nothing that won't won't align with the church, but things that I'm like, I wanna do that, and I wanna do that. And it's like, we can do it all.

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But while I'm planning those things, I have to remember, I can't get lost in that because that is not what's waiting for me at home. Yeah. But can I can I say I I love what you just said? You can't get lost in that. Yeah. The truth is you can't get lost in any of it. Yeah. You cannot get lost in being a wife and a mom. Yeah. You can't get lost in being a business lady. So the conversation to me is really one of balance. Yeah. And I don't necessarily know the world loves to make it seem like there's balance if there's, you know, two sides. But I think biblically, you know, as people of faith, I think the better picture for balance is the word unity. Mhmm. And the picture for unity, scripturally is the 3 fold stranded cord. And so for us, we know that marriage and the home is not just that you and I are unified. Yeah. It's not just us. That's a 2 picture. That's okay. We're balanced. We can't keep that balance on our own, though. We need a 3rd strand, which for us is Jesus. He's that that he is the 3rd strand of our marriage Yeah. That keeps us balanced. Mhmm. Because as a father, I can't get lost in going out and being a provider.

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We know people that the man is so caught up in being a provider that he no longer has anyone to provide for.

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So you can't get lost as a man in being a family man either because at some point, they've gotta eat.

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Bible says a wise man leaves an inheritance for his children's children. Someone's gotta go put some work in. Yeah. So it's not I love that you said you can't get lost in it because it's not that one gender can't get lost in one thing. It's that both genders can't get lost in anything. Yeah. And we have to remain unified.

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So you mentioned some ladies in our church who have 3 or 4 kids, and they've decided, hey. I I wanna stay at home. The only way that would be a problem is if the husband's like, we can't afford that. Yeah. Or if the husband, for whatever reason, is not on board with that. In in in the opposite, there are some situations where the wife, because of just what's happened, she's got a great job. The husband doesn't.

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Even in that dynamic, it's not okay to just say, alright. Well, you know what? They're happy with that dynamic. No.

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Jesus has to be included because he helps keep things unified and balanced. Yeah. And we know that there's an order to the way things go. Mhmm. Not an order for hierarchy, but an order for unity. And it's the way that it works. So I find it crazy that the same type of people out there that want to say, you know, women should be allowed to make the choice as to when they become a mom are suddenly making it making little of women that have, with their husband's unity Yeah. Said the best thing for our family is for him to go work and for me to take care of my kids and my home. The same people who wanna say, you know, that woman should choose when she has a kid and when she doesn't, suddenly don't let that woman choose that she wants to be a present mother, a fully present mother. Yeah. So that's why the conversation almost can't be about, you know, one gender or the other. It's kind of like when they say you know, when when people who are married need counseling. It's almost kinda like you should both be there. Yeah. Because you're not one person anymore.

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You should go together because you become 1. Yeah. So even this the comment this man made and the uproar, I think if you try to make it about 1 gender, it will always be lacking. And, technically, this comment and this conversation is only for women who are married with children, not for the single woman. It's not for the woman who's out there. You know, she's living on her own. She's working because she can't be a stay at home mom because she's not a mom. Yeah. So this conversation, people trying to say that women can't be stay at home moms or that women should only be stay at home moms. They're the this discussion is only being had with the women who have had children and are married, And it's like, that means that a husband and kids are always present. Right? Yeah. So that means that this discussion always has to include the husband. Yeah. It has to. I hope that makes sense. Does that make sense? Yes. Okay. Because I can clarify it.

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But so You're talking about unity. And so when at home, it's not just about what the man wants or just about what the woman wants or the kids want. It's about all of us and how you create that balance and how you honor each other. And so what you're saying makes total sense in when it comes to these subjects, it's not about one person.

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It's about the home. It's about the family. It's about all of us. So how do we create that balance? Or how do we create that home for all of us? You know? Exactly. If the discussion is aimed at women who are married Yeah. With kids, well, then it has to be considered in light of the husband and kids. You can't pluck a woman who has a family out of the family and say, let's discuss what she should be allowed and not allowed to do. Because technically that removes her from the family. Yeah. And you can't do that. You can't do that with the husband either. He should go out and provide. Well, you get you get in trouble when that's what you focus on. So, you know, one of the things we wanted to discuss were, like, traditional gender roles. And I think it's more important to look at, like, traditional family roles within the unity of the husband and the wife are unified with Christ. Yeah. That threefold cord and I know that that's not what the verse is speaking to. Like you know? But when you look at Christ being really the leader of our home, and you and I are unified together with with Christ, then the discussion needs to be, okay, does the home have everything it needs? Yeah. And as long as the home has everything it needs, we're taken care of. So for us, like, neither one of us really have time to clean our house. Right? Like, we we we do it as much as we can.

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Yeah. But we can find somebody to take care of that for us.

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But at the same time, we're not gonna be the family that eats out all the time. Number 1, because Rochelle cooks incredibly.

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Thank you. And second of all, because we've made the choice that's something worth investing. Yeah. Doesn't mean we let the house become a pigsty. We find someone to take care of it. But we make sure the house always has what it needs.

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So let me ask you. As as the wife Mhmm. As the way that you and I like, people would be shocked, but I do all the laundry in the house. Yeah. So we don't abide by traditional gender roles. I do 90% of the dishes. Like, that's just I I like it.

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But as a wife with the roles that you and I have worked out for our home, how how do you sit back and and balance taking care of your job versus taking care of your home responsibilities? I think, I think every season will look different. And so saying that you found the perfect balance, I don't think it'll ever be realistic because some seasons will require more of you from work, and some seasons are gonna require a little bit more from you at home because kids are older, kids are younger. It it all changes.

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But I think that when you say how to find that balance, I think ultimately is this. Are are am I taking care of my home the best that it is my home happy and satisfied? And that could be it it doesn't mean that I've cleaned every corner of the house, but it means that I've made time to spend intentionally with you and with Marino. Are we intentionalizing certain days when we say, are we gonna put our phones away and just spend time as a family and talk? Not even put the TV, no music, nothing, but us being present in what we're doing. Because we might not be able to do that every day, but are we carving out time? What we're saying, this is what we're doing, so we take care of our family. Because when we are at work, we have to be at work. And when we are home, we have to be home. And it's finding those moments where it's like, okay. Now that we're home, let's put everything away and be us. So when we get to work, we're able to be at work and take care of our work because we also wanna be people of excellence in our work. We don't wanna just say work will be whatever, and we don't take care of that because we know that we have to be excellent and strive for excellence and do it onto God. And that means that doing my work well is doing it onto God. Yeah.

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And being a great mom and a great wife, I have to do it onto God at the end of the day. And so it's good just kind of having temperature checks of what is this season requiring of us. What is this season looking like? And it's never it's not always gonna be clear, but as long as that we're following and just really asking the holy spirit for help and just saying holy spirit help me. Sometimes you don't know. There's a lot of things that might come in there new. You're like, how do I handle this one? Or you have seasons where a lot of things are happening at the same time, and they almost require your full attention. And you're like, how am I gonna do all of this? But that's when you say, I'm gonna do my best on all of it. I'm not gonna get caught up in the, I can't do this. I can't do that. It's like, how can I make all of it happen? And that God help you fill in the rest All the things that you can't do, because you can't do everything.

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But being intentional that way, and just remembering that everything that you, you do it for God. So I'm gonna do my best at home because I'm doing it for God, because I love my family. And I'm gonna do my best at work and do it for God because I wanna be a good steward of the job that God has given me and take care of the people that God has given me. And so it's just remembering that we're doing it for God. So we need to be try to be excellent in all these areas. Yeah. You know, I and I think when people have these discussions, right, their head starts to fill with the different examples of the different things that people want.

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You know, a wife wants to work or she wants to stay home. A husband wants his wife to stay home or a husband wants to work remote, or wants the house cleaned, wants her to cook for him. It's a huge discussion about desire and want. Right? I think that's number 1 why it can't just be that the husband and wife are on the same page. Because that can eventually that can wade into something unhealthy too. So you need Christ. You need that that third thing, but I think it's important to sit back and go, okay. What do I want?

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Should I really want that? And what do I really want? Yeah. Like, for instance, if you ask me right now, Chris, do you want a clean house? Duh. Right?

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Yeah. I cannot clean as well as you can. Sometimes in some areas I can. Mhmm. But for the most part, I I can't. So does that mean that if I'm not really putting a lot of thought into it, that I can get to this place where I go, man, I want Rochelle to clean the house. Sure. But I should sit back and ask myself, should I want that? What do I really want? And what I really want is a healthy marriage, which means my wife has to be happy and a clean home. Okay. Is there a third or a second or third option to make that happen? Yeah.

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Hire somebody. Yeah. Ask somebody to come help. Put something on the schedule to, hey. This Saturday, let's both just put an hour into cleaning this house. I'll take this. I'll take that.

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It's it's seeing through the more surface level wants to get to what you really want at a deep level, and then communicating those wants to the other person. So if there's a wife watching this right now and she's like, I would want to stay at home. Well, she should communicate that, and then the husband should communicate what he wants. And they should both ask each other, okay, is this what we should want?

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Yeah. And then you you just continue to revisit that because we've seen our own friends. We've seen people that become that move into that dynamic. And then because they both ultimately want to please each other, she gets to this point where she feels like she's not really doing anything to help the house.

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And the woman that wanted to stay home and be a mom eventually says, I mean, I feel like all I am is a mom. So it's like there was a lack of balance there. And then the husband who was like, man, I I want my wife to stay home. I can handle it, becomes the husband who's never home.

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And when he gets home, he's bitter because he's the only one that's handling it.

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So it's important to talk and to communicate what you want.

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It's important to to, like, remain in unity with each other and with Christ and to see things as sometimes fluid. And to look at what you really want in life, which I think if you're married, it's because you want that marriage to work. Yeah.

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We we heard it in our our connect upon marriage that God made marriage to succeed. Yeah. It's what he did. It's why he made it.

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So he made us to succeed in marriage. And I know people don't think that, but that means that if even if there are roles and responsibilities and things that we're balancing, there's a way to succeed. But you're not gonna do it in any sport, in any team sport.

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You're not gonna succeed without talking to each other. Yeah. You're not gonna succeed without going to the back, looking at your plays, and making adjustments.

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You're not gonna win if you're constantly bitter at one another because you hate how much of the load in one area or the other you have to carry. Yeah. So the more I look at it, the more I'm like, the world doesn't know how to have this conversation because the world is not desiring unity. Yeah. And they're definitely not desiring to make Christ the center of their families. Because they're focused on self. Yeah.

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What the culture is telling us right now is everything is self. What about me? What do I want? How can I succeed? How can I make something of myself? When Main character syndrome. And when if we go with that attitude in marriage, and sometimes we get that attitude and there's big fights because we realize, I'm so sorry. I was thinking about myself. Yeah. And in a marriage, when you separate it like that and you talk about the woman and the men and what the woman can't do and the men can't do, it's not about that.

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It's about what can you and I do together. Not about what we can't do, but what can we do together? Because when you come together and it's about unity, and as we're learning to communicate, we're a team. Yeah.

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And in the family units and in marriage, it's about the team. It's not about how much I carry and how much you carry, because there is burdens that you carry that I'm thankful I don't carry. You know? Because I'm just like, I don't even know. There are certain things that were placed on you to carry because you are able to handle it. And there are certain things are placed on me to carry because I'm designed to be able to carry this.

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That's why God created these genders, not for a separation and for Not for an over glorification of either one of them. No. But because we all have unique things that I can carry, that you can carry.

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And because of that, we come together and are able to do a lot together because we're doing it together.

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And if in my marriage, I focus on all the things that I'm doing and the things that you're not doing, I'm not getting to appreciate the things that you're doing. Yeah. And it's funny because when we are sometimes when we get into little fights or things like that, and sometimes they do stem from, wanting to please each other, but sometimes they come from you're so focused on the self that you overlook what your partner's doing and everything that they're carrying, and in that you're not honoring them. Yeah. We had one of those fights very recently. Very recently. And we both are we're both learning that, but we saw that that day where it's like, well, I'm doing all of this while I'm doing all of this. And you did not see what we were not seeing what the other things that we were doing and how they were benefiting both of us and how some season will require me to do some things, other season will require you to do some things.

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A perfect example that you use is while I was pregnant, you know, it got to a point where I needed help putting my shoes on because my belly was big and I just needed you to do it.

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And you say that in that season, you had to come in and just help me a little bit extra around the house because I had my energy was not the same. And You were growing a human being on the inside of you. Yes.

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And you guys have seen Marino. He's really big. And so I was really tired. But when Marino was born and I already had a little bit more routine with him, I knew it was my time to get back into it and say, my husband has been carrying a lot of this load for me. And so now let me come in and let me get it back. Let me start helping. Marina's a great example now because there are some like, if it's dark outside in the middle of the night, he does not want me. He wants to sleep with you. Yes. He will find you. But to put him to sleep Mhmm. 9 times out of 10, you can't do it. Yeah. He won't go to sleep with you. I have to take him, and I have to rock him to sleep. And then throughout the night Yeah. He doesn't wanna touch me. But then he wakes up, and what's his first word every morning? Dada. What would we do if I was one of those husbands who's like, the kid's your responsibility. He would never go to sleep. Yeah. But what would you do if you said the kid is mine? He would never go to sleep.

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Yes. We we we would we Yes. We would never be able to actually balance taking care of him. Mhmm. So in our family, we both change diapers. You change more than I do, but I'm absolutely capable of changing his diaper. If I was able to get up and get things done quicker, I'll easily get that boy ready for work. Yeah. And most days, you do it. We do have things like I will always drive. That's just the way that my fam I was raised that way. That's it's not because I want to, and it's not because you don't want to. It's just you know what? You shouldn't have to. Not to mention, you're much better with the kid in the back of the car because I, like my own father, start to crawl out of my skin if someone else is driving because I I want to tell them what to do. But we we've we've made it work. And the only way that kind of balance works is with communication. Yes. It's with a desired goal that we're on the same page. We wanna achieve this.

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Mhmm. And, you know, if someone's listening to this podcast and they've gotten to this point, it's ultimately because they want that too. Yeah. They they they want that healthy marriage. And I don't really know if 3 years into marriage we can say what we have is a healthy marriage. I think what we can say is we're definitely aiming towards it. Yeah. And we have principles and practices in place that are definitely getting us there. Yeah. And we're enjoying it.

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And if you did like a little test on our marriage, it would get good marks. And that is because we do have a team mentality. We do not separate the man from the woman.

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We look at what comes naturally. What is easier? What do I, what do I love doing? What do I feel called to?

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I honestly love doing the dishes. First of all, and I say this very lovingly, I I do them better. Yes. A 100%. I do laundry better. Even gonna argue. I can't do laundry, but I can make you a really good meal. I was gonna say, but if I had to feed us, we would have starved before we got married.

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Like, I I can't do that. And the level of patience that you have with our kid, I don't it's the craziest I just don't have it. And there's a certain like, designing the house, thank god you were here. We have, literally, we have things in our home that you created.

00:30:55.808 --> 00:30:59.269
That is our decor that people comment at all the time.

00:30:59.569 --> 00:31:44.105
So it's it's it is about, k, what makes this home efficient? What makes this home work? I have lost £7 right now, eating the food you've made, and it's delicious. So the house is healthy. The house is we're enjoying ourselves because we're leaning into our strengths and what we do well. So there's obviously a lot we could have, a lot of discussion we could have here, and I could comment so much on on society and how they responded to this guy. But ultimately, I wanna be a man that looks at my wife and says she's the reason I have everything I have. I wanna I wanna be the kind of husband who's like, dang. My wife keeps me tethered to the important things. And I think you helped me do a a decent job of that.

00:31:44.105 --> 00:32:05.480
I hope I'm doing a good job of that. Thank you. And, you know, I wanna be the wife that looks at my husband and honors him and respects him and gives him room, not just give him room, but gives him his place and and lets him be the authority of our home. Because I know when I do that, it brings a certain order and safety to my home.

00:32:06.019 --> 00:32:13.484
And, but I also comes with a husband who with you let me reword this.

00:32:14.263 --> 00:32:25.140
You are such a great husband that it makes me wanna do these things. In our home, you've always been a provider. You've always you've always taken care of me.

00:32:25.140 --> 00:32:58.148
I mean, from the moment we dated, you've taken care of me. So in every season that we go with, you just find different ways to take care of me and provide for me. And when I see that, it really makes me just say, I wanna honor my husband, and I wanna love him and I wanna make ways to make our home, the the place that he wants to be in all the time with our kids. And that means sometimes they have to take Marina for 5 minutes and you garden, you have your time, then that's fine. But we work together in that, and it's it's both ways. It's about what you and I can do together.

00:32:58.210 --> 00:33:15.940
What we can do together. Well, you make my life so much better. You make my life so much better. I just yeah. We're blessed. Yes. Well, I hope you've enjoyed this episode of the family business with the Alessis, and I hope you take a minute to go look at your family and love on them a little bit extra.

00:33:16.960 --> 00:33:20.099
Till next time. Yes. It's been a pleasure being here today.

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You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with Violetsis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode, and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

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