Moms Unfiltered: How to Overcome Fear and Insecurity as a Modern-Day Mother with Dr. Faith Fredrick | S5 E27

Mary Alessi: 0:09

Welcome to another episode of the family business with the lessies, where we jump in the podcast booth as much as we can. We talk about things we can't talk about on Sundays, and today is a special podcast where I had the opportunity for our Mother's Day service to jump in the booth with my mom, dr Faith Frederick, and we talked about raising me, we talked about raising kids and what it means to be a strong mom in a very difficult time. We kind of threw this together. I was so glad she stayed over so that we could jump in the booth and really be able to talk about something that you've helped me be and that is a better mom. You were an incredible mom, mother to Martha and I and Marveline and we say it all the time with all that you went through, you started off being a good mother and even through the hardships with marriage she's breaking up and having issues you stayed such a strong mom and you are the reason that we all, I believe, held on to a relationship with Jesus when we could have diverted. Yes, and your strength is in us and you've passed on that strength and you know, today, in this generation, there's a lot of insecurity right now in young women they're, they don't know who to be and what to be, and I just want to talk about that from your generation now to my generation. First of all, what do you think, mom, what do you think has changed in your mind from your generation to my generation, even into your grand daughter's generation, because we talk so much, what are you seeing and sniffing in the air of the change in the expectation of motherhood?

Faith Fredrick: 1:48

Personally, I think there's just so many voices that are speaking, yeah, and so many mothers are listening to the wrong voices. Yeah, maybe a mother hasn't your own mother hasn't spoken in the most you know mature way or convenient, or whatever, but still we need to make sure that we are sticking to the core values of motherhood. Yeah, for us that's faith-based, right, that is biblical, and I really thank God. I used to feel like I wish I was younger, you know, and I'd be all this new technology. Now things have progressed to the point where I'm thankful I was a mother in the 60s yeah, the late 60s and the 70s and 80s, when life was simpler, yeah. But there's so many voices and they're not correct. No, they're not. They're in error, they're taken from too much is taken from just emotional life experience. I think that's the main thing, right, but we can. We can stick to a moral compass, a faith-based compass to raise our children, and I really think people are taking account because of the way things are going. So I just want to encourage mothers stick to your core, surround yourself with other women and mothers and a good church that speak that into your life. It is so important that you have the support that you need.

Mary Alessi: 3:28

Yeah, I would. So I second that. And I think you know Stephanie now is pregnant with her second and she has a couple of mom friends that are. You know, they have multiples. There's several kids at home, all babies, and they're doing such a great job and they're loving the fact that they made a baked chicken for dinner and they cleaned their bathrooms and life is simple and they're raising their kids and it's been such a good influence on her. Because you know, even our, my generation, we worked, you had to work, you had to work, you had to have a career, you had to do something with your life. And I think we have. We've got it misconstrued a little bit. It's wonderful to work. There is no, there's nothing against working a full-time job and having a career, but there has to be a balance there. If you're gonna have kids, somebody's gotta raise those kids, absolutely. So just giving them to the daycare center, it just adds more pain to the mom. And two in our economy, you need a two-income household. Yes, it's too expensive. It's too expensive.

Faith Fredrick: 4:29

Moms have to work and then you run the risk of maybe your children aren't as well protected as you want them to be. Right, there's a whole scenario out there and to me at my age having gone through to the point now I am a great grandmother many times over I just say try to keep it as simple as possible and stick to those values that you know in your heart. Maybe you were not taught by a mother or maybe you were Right, you know. Seek out those what we used to call we used to use this phrase of like precious faith. Yeah, those that believe and can fortify that motherhood. Yeah, not demonize you, but fortify the motherhood. And because you know this is gonna last until the day you die, yeah, that's right mom. That relationship is, that entity is there. Yeah, that little boy, that little girl is part of your life to the day you die.

Mary Alessi: 5:32

Yes, I remember you saying when we were raising the kids and they were small, I remember you telling me you think you love them now they'd be four, five, 10,. You think you love them now. You have no idea. Every year that goes by, every decade, every season of their lives, you only love your children more and you don't really have a scope and sequence of understanding that until you get there. There's some things you won't know and believe are true until you get there, right, and so truth doesn't truly become a relative and fit until you get to that season of life when you go. My mother was right. You know all this time, man, she was right. You don't know until you get there. And I'm at this season. I'm watching Stephanie have babies and I look forward to the day I see Lauren and Gabby have babies, get married. I'm watching Rochelle and Christopher have children, and it's just this whole part of me that is so open.

Faith Fredrick: 6:28

It's another level it is. It's another level and it's a beautiful transition it is. But I thought about when you told me that I was gonna be on the podcast today. I thought about what is the one thing that I can say are, in part, that would be maybe out of the norm or it would be the most impactful. And I wanna say this from the time your child is born, celebrate your child. Yeah, you don't have to have them consume your life Right, that's a mistake. That's a mistake. But become part of their lives, but celebrate the moments and build into your children's thought processes the fact that they are to be celebrated. Yes, you're cherished. You can still discipline. You can still say no, you still have to take. In fact, it's almost like a beautiful algebra which I was not good at algebra, but I'm just saying like a mathematical thing that it all works together and then you come up with the sum total. You know, and really raising children is celebrating them. You still can discipline, but even in that discipline, you can actually say what I see for you and what God sees for you. You're not gonna get there if we don't discipline you. And that's a beautiful way of presenting discipline and it builds them into say I'm going somewhere, god's gotta call on me and in part, to your children, even in their bedtime stories, is a wonderful way to impart the fact that God calls people and you're his child, so he's called you. Build into them that expectation of a call. They may never stand behind a pulpit and this has been the air of the church. We feel like that's the only calling. No, everyone is called. Your purpose, your purpose, and two callings change.

Mary Alessi: 8:33

Well, I think it builds a center and a confidence when you just say there's a purpose in you. Oh, yes, and your purpose is to honor and glorify God and behave and honor your parents. But what do you say to the young mother? I know what you say, but I want you to say it to the young mom who is dealing right now with an attitudinal, bratty little girl or little boy and they're struggling with either being strong enough, knowing am I being too strong? How do I celebrate them? How do I affirm them? You dealt with three daughters, twins and our older sister, and we had our moments with attitude and difficulty and you did it. You had a way of really sitting us down, sometimes at bedtime, and having these conversations, sometimes on the run. Sometimes on the run, but I can remember having conversation about what was that today? And let's go back and not that we would get in the mire of our feelings and emotions. You were always good about saying we're not gonna let emotions run rampant in our house.

Faith Fredrick: 9:36

Speak to that a little bit. Well, I can remember as a girl and I began to as a little tiny kid. I began to ding, ding, ding ding, play the piano on everything around me, and so my mother was so excited because they were not musicians, and she enrolled me with a teacher and so I took piano for many years and then she said this, this so she played off that God is going to use you. God is going to use you. So by the time I was 12 years old, I was playing in children's church. By the time I was 15, the pastor had elevated me and with instruction and I was playing in church. So that was the groundswell of God's going to use you somewhere. And I remember when I forget the age I was, but I was in junior high school and football was big in our little town and I set my sight on being a cheerleader and I would practice and oh, my goodness, I'd get the cheers, you know. And so I tryouts were coming and I presented to my parents that I was going to try out. Well, my dad looked at me and said no way, jose. Now, his reasoning was different than my mother's, although she had the same as him, but she had another level. But with him was there's no way you're putting on that short skirt and getting on those buses with those football players and going.

Speaker 3: 11:02

It was just soft man.

Faith Fredrick: 11:04

I was so mad at him but my brother mother brought in. She was always the sav. She would say, you know, come in. And she'd say, okay, faith, because I mean, I was driven, I was motivated, and the only reason I didn't move into a real rebellious stage is because God had done a work in me at a youth camp and it yielded my spirit. But still, I had that adventurous you know that youth camp plug. Get your kids to youth camp, yes, yes. And God called me there. I didn't know for what, but I can remember my mother taking me aside, not one time but many times, and she would deal with me. She'd say faith, do you feel that you have a car? And she was very coy. You have a car. Yes, I wanna be used by the Lord. I wanna minister, I don't know how, where you know and I mean that was in the day. It was so different than today. I know I was like homemade and she would say do you feel like when you get out there and you yell and scream in the humid air, she would just draw it out and you're just screaming and hollering. Do you think that's gonna really help your throat to sing? Because I felt like I was gonna sing for the Lord, you're gonna sing for the Lord and everything. And I'd say, yeah, but I know how, I know how you know. But that's the way she would maneuver around rather than hit me head on, she'd say you know, I really feel like God has something special for you. And I remember her saying this. She said you know your girlfriends. They were all cheerleaders. She said you know what? Where are they going to be in 10 years? Yes, where do you want to be in 10 years? And that was the kicker. Yeah, that was the kicker. She, even in not well-educated parents, not people of the world, had wisdom, amazing wisdom, amazing wisdom. Daddy would just say, no, right, you're not wearing this. Yes, she would come in not compromising, but come in with a attitude of not compromise. But let's look at it from the other way and let's look at it from the perspective that God has called you. And you know what You're not like these others. You're special. Yeah, god's telling us, didn't Lord fill you with the Holy Spirit? Right, didn't you do it? Yeah, didn't I hear you say? Yeah, you know what, on Sunday, when you get in there and you play the piano for that service, what do you want? Yeah that's what saved me.

Mary Alessi: 13:37

You know I I remember Martha telling me a story recently about you. Guys were sitting at a restaurant and you were talking about your mother and how she parented you and you were sharing with Martha about raising young girls and when they get hormonal, they get because you were strong, very strong. Well, child very strong and you were sharing with Martha just kind of the Resources in the style, and a lady was sitting next to you. Do you remember that? That's true? Yes, there was a woman sitting next to you hearing you talk in a restaurant, yep, and interrupted you and said would you please share that with me? I'm raising my daughter. It didn't that happen that way.

Faith Fredrick: 14:17

Yes, yes, yes. She said I've just never heard that. That is wonderful. Please share that again and share it again. Well, do you remember what? What that was? I think it had to do with the same scenario.

Mary Alessi: 14:29

Yeah, I thought it was the which I used a thousand times the coming down to dinner with a bad attitude oh yes, oh yeah, you can't, you're not allowed down.

Faith Fredrick: 14:40

Mama has cooked. Here's the thing we have to build the image and I have helped a couple of young mothers with this you build the image that your family is a unit.

Mary Alessi: 14:48

Yes, and they're you're all a participant and you're not the most important one in the flock you all share.

Faith Fredrick: 14:54

Yes and what we do is we. We start that when they're toddlers. Yeah, the family, the family, and father plays his part, mother plays their part, we all are part of it. And and what happens is when you come in, you've bickered with your, with your sibling, or your, your brother, sister, or you come in angry, or all those different scenarios. When you come, mothers cooked and you have that dinner, everybody's supposed to be on the same page. That's where I was raised. So if you came in with a bad attitude, daddy would say Is there something wrong? Yeah, so and so, and so he said well, you know what you don't really fit with with the environment of this home. My dad had an eighth grade education. Yeah, it's amazing, but people talked about it and they, they use wisdom. Right, you know wisdom. And and you didn't have all this clamor of other voices yeah, you know, you're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong. No, no. And he'd say and to cherish the spirit of your home, right, that's that's really important of your home. Your mom focused on and dads can walk in the door and the whole Environment, the whole spirit of the home can change. Yes, and we need to bear our responsibility as parents. Right, not pretending, but cherish the value around the table.

Mary Alessi: 16:15

Cherish the value, the atmosphere and the spirit of that, after a certain time, we're gonna have peace in our home and we're gonna and turn the TV off Violence and stuff that create. Get off your phones that create kind of you know, one of the most Precious times of our child's growing up years. I remember growing up but when Steve and I had the little kids when they were younger, were those after dinner from about Eight o'clock's like 7 30 to the time they went to bed. We, the kids, just put shows on for us every night.

Faith Fredrick: 16:52

I remember that you'd pull a big mattress out and put it and we'd get the video camera.

Mary Alessi: 16:58

That was our evening. Yeah, right after dinner, and they would dance and they would see Stupid. Christopher would run through their house and moon us. Yes, he would do that. I think that was hilarious a little boy and make the girl scream and. But looking back on that season, we didn't realize we were Creating an environment in that hour and a half. Absolutely, this is what we did. So if you had a wild hair and a bad attitude over something, you wrecked that, and so we were able to set an Example to all the kids. Don't come mess that up because you're mad about something. That's right. The rest of us are having a good time, we're all happy, we're enjoying, and I think what it teaches kids is you are not the only and most important person right now because you're having an emotional moment.

Speaker 3: 17:49

Yes, we care about what you're going through.

Mary Alessi: 17:52

Yes, but nine times out of ten it was something so stupid and petty is because she stole my doll or something silly. Yes, so we're not going to distract from bad attitudes, and we learned that quite frankly from you, mom, honestly, because you would tell us you if you come down for dinner and you're disjointed, go back upstairs.

Faith Fredrick: 18:12

Yeah, my dad would do that. Yeah, he would say. He would say oh, I see that you don't want to participate tonight, right. And he said, until you can change your attitude, you can go in the bathroom. And I remember he would say put the lid down and sit on the commode.

Mary Alessi: 18:27

And that's a toilet. For those who don't know that's a toilet, the potty, come on.

Faith Fredrick: 18:32

I don't know why use the bathroom, but because, I guess, because it was smaller.

Mary Alessi: 18:36

Well, you all shared root.

Faith Fredrick: 18:37

Yes, yeah you had one one bad, one bad and he would, and he would holler because it was right there. He would say are you ready to come out? And if you went, my mother, you know something? He would say oh, I guess you're not ready to come out, and they even went to the degree that, when you came out, your face had to look right. That's what the lady overheard. He said he said and you would come out. He'd say let me see your face, see your face. No, you're not ready and you'd go and you have to come out when you know what? They would talk about whipping or they're very seldom. Yeah, very, it was more talk because they would. They would utilize that, that almost like a game, right you know? Yeah, I had to have it more than anybody. You're in that, you're on that commode the most.

Mary Alessi: 19:33

But I will say I remember and and today you know, our theme is under a mother's love and being safe, under that and I can remember the nights that we'd be in our twin beds and you'd come in and we'd talk about it, whatever our day was or whatever frustration we'd have, and and you would just walk us through it and always come back to your feelings. Aren't they're, they're fleeting your feelings. Don't command yes your situation. They're just feelings, girls. They're just emotions. You're gonna wake up in the morning. I have to tell this story with you here because I think I've told it before, but I remember when we'd have nightmares or bad thoughts, you'd come in the room. I don't know if you remember this, but you'd come in the room at night You'd say, girls, what you need to do to go to sleep is think of all happy thoughts. If you will just think happy thoughts, what's your happiest thought? Just focus on your happy thought. That's what the Bible says. Think on these things. And I remember, mom, I don't know if you know this, but my happy thought was Donnie Osmond.

Faith Fredrick: 20:39

I'm glad he I know he would be happy to hear because now he's, like you know, in Vegas playing the strip.

Mary Alessi: 20:46

Anyhow, he was my happy, thought it at 10, 11, 12, because it worked. But it was the little things, yeah, and I think that today in the society and under the pressure of these little moms, my heart goes out to them Absolutely, because there's so much pressure that they're under and they're just trying to Put the best clothes on their kids and have happy kids and and not you know the normal tantrum is judged today. You know, if they're not eating, feeding their children, baby led weaning, or their kids aren't eating, or their kids are a little overweight, or their kids are underway, the pressure is so unfair and they're just trying to get in bed at night.

Faith Fredrick: 21:25

Yeah, they're working mom, some of these moms, I don't know how they do it up at 6 am.

Mary Alessi: 21:31

Yeah, and they're cleaning their houses and they're trying to get and make a living. There's no break. There's just no break. We, we just want to let them know today that God sees them right where they are and he will give them strength that they don't have within themselves, because he sees them right where they are. And it takes courage To be a mom.

Faith Fredrick: 21:52

Especially today. Well, that's why I championed the cause for the church right at find a good church to where there's a network of young mothers, yes, and it's just kind of like a support group. I guess, if you know If you were an alcoholic, you go to double a yeah, whatever a a but Community is so important. It is at every juncture of our life, every season of our life. I'm probably the oldest person that attends my church, yeah, but you know what? I don't dwell on that. I go around, I speak to everybody, you know when they have you shake hands and everything. Yeah, get out of your comfort zone, get out and make yourself vulnerable to other People that are going through the same thing. You're going through that, especially in with motherhood, those mothers that have already been where you're going right. Oh yes, it's so important. Yes, they'll look at you and say, oh yes, honey, I did that. Oh, I, let me do it, let me tell you what I did you know yes and it's, it's so important that that's the part the church can play, should play and was ordained to play Absolutely in people's lives.

Mary Alessi: 23:06

Yes, and there's a lot of fear in this generation, amongst some of our 30-something young women. Mom. There's a lot of fear in Labor and delivery. There's a lot of infertility issues. There's just a lot that that they feel the pressure of. Because, going back to the very first thing, you said the voices. Yes, there are way too many voices that need to mind their own Business right and that, I think, set me free when I would feel judged. And a lot of times you do it to yourself. Yeah, you're raising kids. Yeah, you hear voices that aren't there. Somebody will say something they didn't mean to say, and now you're spiraling that. I'm doing it right. You know my gosh, my raising my children right and you need to find that place of security that you you're not gonna find it in the world, you're gonna find it in the house of God, you're gonna find it in God. One good, strong mother can help you through right. Get your kids raised, loving the Lord.

Faith Fredrick: 24:03

Let me help you nurse can help you with with tantrums, can help you with that, the bad attitudes. You just don't take any voice. But with all that's out there, yes, there are voices that will support you right to have a godly home to raise godly children. They are there. I can remember when you were born. It was a surprise. In those days there was no such thing as a sonogram, right. So the only thing you did you went in and into labor and big as a house and and they would say, well, I guess you're gonna have a big boy. And then hours and hours and hours later they decided wait a minute, we better x-ray her. And then there's two, six born, six nine and six ten. Well, why they couldn't figure that I don't know. And then I was a week late. So it was God's hand that protected me. But we were all in such a tizzy. Yeah, my mother, my mother in law, everybody was in shock because here you have two big babies, everybody's healthy, and you weren't prepared, I, totally unprepared, and I'm laying there. You usually stayed in the hospital about three days and I'm laying there and this nurse comes in and says are you going to breastfeed? Well, it's hard to believe, but nobody had brought that up, nobody had discussed that, even for one. And with two, I'm going. This is impossible. I had no idea and I'm an older nurse came in and she was going to help me and by that time I had such a oh dear in headlights look at everything. I went, oh no, no, I can't do that. You know, I just put my emotions in there and she said okay, okay, and she walked out. However, if I had stopped and said what are you talking about? Yes, is there a possible? So always felt like I was robbed in that. So here we do, all the bottles and all the work and everything, that is a story that you have to show you. You have to be careful who you listen to. There's something in your heart of hearts. Just stop right and say who can support that? That's gonna help my baby? Yeah, I've talked to mothers and I know you have a baby, has an allergic reaction or some little something, or this You're probably best advice is gonna come from another mother that's already walks through that. That's right.

Mary Alessi: 26:27

That's right and you know it. It's. It's the little things that lead to peace, when you can shut all the voices out and you you start focusing on. These are the voices I'm gonna listen to. I'm not gonna let my emotions get in the way. It's. This is Temporary, this to shall pass. And I remember something used to tell me all the time because when the phone you would call me. On the phone we would talk and the kids would always be quiet until we'd get on the phone and then start making noise and I would get so mad. Mom, I'm sorry, I want to have a conversation with you, with these kids, and you would say to me you better enjoy that sounds, because there's gonna be a lot more years without that sound in your home, then with that sound in your home, and I remember thinking that's not possible. I'll think about that when I get there. Mm-hmm boy, is it true? Because when that sound stops, it stops hard, yep, it stops abruptly.

Faith Fredrick: 27:25

My mother used to say you know, as Little ones, little ones, they they'll stop on your feet, but they'll come a day of they'll stop on your heart. Oh, my god mother used to say that was she had her own way of saying it, but it was. It meant that it transfers, you know, to your heart and and. But I just can't reinforce the fact that the church, the spirit of the church, even if it's not as perfect as you think, you need it, yeah, serve. You told me that the other day you said if young mothers would serve in their church, just maybe one time a month or something, yeah, and it would help and they could become part of the answer you know to. So put yourself out there and prove God. That's right. God is a waymaker. That's right God. When you are in his plan, he's there to fill in the gaps, To provide for you, to make a way where there seems to be no way. And I've been there. Many, many mothers have to and I just say Celebrate your child at every phase of life. Yeah celebrate them.

Mary Alessi: 28:38

Yeah, and you know we're gonna close this moment out here, but I Would say to honor you today as my mom my mother-in-law is well who has been a wonderful mother to Steve and an influence and a friend to you the spirit of motherhood is a very powerful force and what we want the younger moms to know today is there's no failure. Don't don't embrace. I failed. I have a kid, either there at there that the tantrums phase, or there at the attitude phase, or at the Rebellious phase. I can't get her to listen, I can't get him to listen. You, you are not a failure as a mom. You have strength inside you that you can tap into and you can pull on if you trust the Lord. If God is the giver of children, the Bible says that it is the Lord who gives us the gifts of children. I'm blanking on the scripture because children are a gift from the Lord. From the Lord, yes, they are a gift from the Lord.

Faith Fredrick: 29:40

Even if they're unexpected, they are a, they are a gift from the Lord.

Mary Alessi: 29:44

How many here.

Faith Fredrick: 29:45

How many children. I've wanted to do this because of the all the hoopla in the last, you know, decades, and especially recently about the abortion issue, I've wanted to say could we take a census? I would love to take a census of all the parents out there who had an Unexpected birth. Yeah, how many of them would recant? No, they would say, oh my god. Yeah, the greatest blessing in my work if they're 70 and 80, they'll say that was the child that ended up taking care of me. You're right.

Mary Alessi: 30:22

You're right.

Faith Fredrick: 30:22

So we can't trust our emotions? No, we can't that surprise, and God can make a way where there seems to be no way. Every time, that surprise may be the Greatest benefit that you'll have in your lifetime.

Mary Alessi: 30:36

You don't know, you cannot put God in a box, even when it comes to kids, because they're a gift from the Lord. Strong mothers are a gift from the Lord, yes, and we just want our moms today to feel Encouraged, to be strong in the Lord and in the power of his might. Not in your own strength, not when those kids wear you down and you don't even have time to wash your hair and put your clothes on. There's some moms that are here today, mama, they're looking beautiful, but they've got a Kid smell on them, okay, and they're frustrated. Don't be frustrated. Just be so grateful that you have the gift of kids in your life. Hug your babies tight, ask God to give you wisdom to walk through every season. Stay close to the house of God, stay close to the church. God will give you what you need when you need it, if you'll ask him and don't be afraid to reduce down your Expectation yeah yeah, of yourself and of your children.

Faith Fredrick: 31:31

That's right, keep it simple. Keep it simple. Yes, you know if you, if, if you have a certain recipe and you want to serve it to your children and they don't like it, you may be reduced to whatever it is they like. Yeah, for that period of time. Yeah, we're really. We have to do that in every area.

Mary Alessi: 31:48

Amen, and and be okay with that. That's right. Well, I know we've helped a lot of moms here today. I hope so. Listen to this podcast as well, and their blessed mom, thank you. Happy Mother's Day. I love you so much. Thank you for being the mom that you have been in our lives and the grandmother and now the great grandmother. It means More than anything. I never thought I would be in a season to say I am so glad my granddaughter is In the arms, yeah of her great grandmother.

Speaker 3: 32:21

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