No-Go Zones! How to Confidently Approach Sensitive Issues In Your Marriage | S7 E23

Steve Alessi:
Because I wanna meet your every need. Absolutely. That's the knight in shining armor that every man wants to be to a woman. And if he sits back and thinks that she's hiding something from him, and that's her own, quiet pain that she's dealing with alone, it's it's gonna break him. Hello. Welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis, where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alessi, here with my wife, Mary Alessi. The Alessi's.

Mary Alessi:
The Alessi's.

Steve Alessi:
Today, we're gonna get right into our subject. Before I do, though, I want to encourage you that if you enjoy what you're hearing, of course, share our podcast with people that you know. Maybe they'll enjoy it as well. At the same time, you may have questions you would like us to answer online. You can do that because we'd love to be able to hear from you. So you can go to our family business text line. That's (302) 524-0800. It'll be in our notes.

Steve Alessi:
You'll be able to get that number and send us your questions. We'd love to be able to take a minute to answer them. But Mary, today I want us to get into our subject, and I think it's pretty spicy.

Mary Alessi:
It is. It's very it's oh my, you wanna listen to this one. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
This is gonna be about no go zones.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. No go zones in marriage.

Steve Alessi:
No go zones in marriage and in your relationships. First, we have to explain what a no go zone is. And it really comes down to this. It's usually a very sensitive topic Right. That couples, are afraid to handle because of the repercussions of just bringing it up.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. And that happens. It does. And they turn into fights.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Mhmm. Because nobody wants to address it. Nobody wants to talk about it until it becomes so obvious that then it is a problem. Yeah. And we see that happening.

Mary Alessi:
We do. And, you know, sometimes the simple things, when you have a peacemaker in the couple that only wants to keep the peace, keep the peace, and doesn't isn't a truth teller or honest or in love brings up the things that either bother them or they allow a no go zone. You find out years later, if you let things mount, it was so easier much easier to deal with it in seed form than you let things go for too long. You find that out the longer you're married. You could have dealt with that. You could have gone there. But because of sensitivity and issues, you chose not to.

Steve Alessi:
Yep. Let's immediately set a ground rule here.

Mary Alessi:
K.

Steve Alessi:
You're not listening for the other partner. Nope. You're listening for yourself. Right?

Mary Alessi:
That is so good.

Steve Alessi:
Because as you get ready to maybe wanna take your relationship deeper, you know, we've said before, communication is everything in a relationship, and communication is talking. Right. I'd say this. It's not good to text your communication alone. Mm-mm. You should be able to get face to face. Though sometimes you and I resolve some of our issues via text. Right.

Steve Alessi:
You may be upset with me about something, and then you are able to express it a little bit better in a form of a text, which eliminates certain emotions. But when it gets down to real communication, texting, shouldn't be the method that we choose. We should be able to talk to each other one on one. But if communication is important, then this needs to be one of those places where you're open to a dialogue about something that could be very sensitive to you. Right. So listen today, not so much with, oh, man. I wish my spouse could hear this.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But listen to it with your own ear for yourself. For you. If you do better, they will do better. That's true. We we've learned that. If I can work on me, then the relationship gets better. And because there's a spiritual component to the way we live our lives, if you're focusing on you, then you're praying for me. If I got something messed up, God can get involved and help me be able to see it.

Steve Alessi:
Right. But focusing on yourself is going to be a priority first.

Mary Alessi:
It always makes the marriage better if each person in the marriage just deals with themselves. If you're honest with yourself first, then it's much easier when your spouse wants to be honest with you.

Steve Alessi:
Right. And

Mary Alessi:
for all the couples that just got married till about five years married, man, if you could just work overtime in this season of your marriage, to put into place some of the things we're gonna talk about. What a beautiful relationship they're gonna have for the next thirty, thirty five, forty years if you put into practice now and implement some of these things now. Very important.

Steve Alessi:
Now our views are just our views. Yeah. This is not necessarily, guidelines No. That you have to follow specifically to resolve some of these things that maybe you're dealing with, but they're just our views. And maybe our views could help.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So we have been on the other side of relationship, of sitting in conversation. And because we're such think it and say it people, me more than you, because you have the ability to process before you say something most of the time. And you're able to pick and choose when it's right to say it and when it's wrong and just hold back. I have a tendency to just say things. And we've been in environments with couples where, not realizing it, we've hit one of these no go zones.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, for sure.

Steve Alessi:
And then there's a meltdown.

Mary Alessi:
Oh my gosh.

Steve Alessi:
That's the worst? It's the worst. Makes you feel a bit uncomfortable.

Mary Alessi:
No. I think it's very hard when you when you've worked hard

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
To develop a relationship where nothing's off limits. We're gonna talk about it. We're not gonna be afraid to talk about it, and we're gonna be self disciplined enough to deal with ourselves. Mhmm. But if it bothers you, it's got to bother me. If it bothers me, it's got to bother you. Hey. And that has not been easy.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. You

Mary Alessi:
know, I was I was thinking about this the other day through the years. We know how to bicker, but, man, we know how to put our we know how to put our conflicts aside. Because the longer you're married, the good the better you can get at fighting, and it could be like two gladiators going at it. And that's why it's so important that in the infancy stage of your relationship, if you can implement these these principles and these truths and control yourself, you make it better for your spouse,

Steve Alessi:
for

Mary Alessi:
your marriage, but even the people that are in your life, because you start hanging out with other couples like we have done, and you realize really quick, maybe we have a relationship where we can talk about anything they don't.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And there are some things we're gonna talk about that couples all deal with.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And they might seem petty to one spouse, but to the other spouse, if it's something that's unchecked

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Or you're not you've not even allowed yourself to process it or to deal with it, Your spouse calls it out and you melt down.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Like, let's get right into it then.

Mary Alessi:
Let's do it.

Steve Alessi:
First one we have here is in laws Oh.

Mary Alessi:
Or family members. Family. Yeah. You can talk There you go. I can talk about him, but you can't.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
I have a funny memory. A funny, funny memory. It just came to me the other day.

Steve Alessi:
Am I gonna laugh?

Mary Alessi:
You're gonna laugh, but you caused it. But it was really funny. Go. I was more sensitive about things than you were. But, you know, when when you're overly sensitive about something, it's easy to project that onto your spouse. That's why this is so important for you to to check that in yourself. And we had gone on, I don't know, it was some cruise that my mom paid for, and the kids were smaller. It wasn't the Alaska cruise.

Mary Alessi:
It was something else. Anyway, it's the last day of the cruise, and there was some things. The whole family was there, different ones. It was getting on my nerves. You know, everybody raises their kids differently. You you see vacation differently. So I was really more sensitive about it than you were. It was my side of the family.

Mary Alessi:
You weren't. You were just going along for the ride. And it's the last breakfast, and we're about to get off the ship. Do you remember this?

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And somehow the conversation about the rapture and end times came up. I mean, you talk about so stupid. And I remember we've been on this beautiful cruise for seven days, but in my mind, I was so sensitive about the comments you would make or say or joke about my family, and I was so overly protective. And you made a statement to my mom that was just like a grenade to her. And it was a I should have laughed. I should have sided with you. It was a nothing burger. But we ended up arguing almost the entire ride home over something that had nothing to do with that comment.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
But it was a no go zone in my mind.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. You

Mary Alessi:
know, you can't say that to her, and you can't this, and all these stupid, wrong ideals. But it it it actually kind of subconsciously went back to my father

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
You know, and all those conflicts that were allowed there. And I I just remember the argument all the way home, and I had to eat that a few months later when it dawned on me that that's not it was nothing.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That's your mother-in-law. Yeah. You're her son-in-law. You have every right to to go back and forth over the rapture. Who cares? But I was so protective because I didn't want her to think ill of you. It was just really my overprotective going back to the way I was raised that you don't tell the truth, that everything's cover, cover, cover. Perfect image, perfect image all the time. And you weren't raised like that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You were you guys were just

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. But but like you said, it was one thing for me to say something about my parents. It was a whole different thing for you to say something about my parents. Yeah. For sure. Now we we all want our our parents to be praised.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
But it's when our spouse, I don't know why it is. It's like, I can hear from other people and I don't get near as moved, but when if you say something Yeah. It's like you're you of all people, how could you of all people. And that's just crazy. Because if there's anybody that should be able to just have a dialogue about this situation.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And you try your best to remove as much emotion as possible, It should be the person that you're in relationship, that you're married with. But if you're not married, don't go there.

Mary Alessi:
No, no, no, no.

Steve Alessi:
Don't go criticize your- No, no, no. Your girlfriend, your boyfriend's parents. Don't you touch that. If you're married, then it should be one of those go zones.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. With boundaries.

Steve Alessi:
With boundaries.

Mary Alessi:
I I I like to tell my daughters this. You if you'll stay the good guy where you're siding with them or just neutral, you don't just side with them, just don't say anything. It's not your parents. Be quiet. They're processing with you and they feel like they can. They'll process more with you.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
But the minute you're the one that's pointing out don't you see that? Don't you see that your mom just manipulated that situation? Don't you see that your parents don't help us? When you're the one pointing out those indiscretions or those areas that your spouse already sees that, you don't have to point that out. Create an environment where they're more willing to process out loud with you and just say nothing.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
They're not your parents.

Steve Alessi:
No. And I don't wanna see you hurt. No. And this is what's had that come up in me over the years. If I talk about your mom in a negative light, it hurts you. Right. It doesn't hurt her.

Mary Alessi:
She listens to this podcast. He loves you so much. Actually,

Steve Alessi:
I am tremendously blessed Right. By my mother-in-law. That's why I couldn't understand when we were in Cuba why when I introduced her as my mother-in-law, all the Cubans started laughing. I'm like, What's that about? I know. Some inside joke, whatever. But But you do. You are your mom.

Mary Alessi:
I am blessed. Yes.

Steve Alessi:
But if a person says something negative about your spouse's parent, it hurts the spouse.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And I never I never want that to happen. No. And if I do, I better check my heart.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Who am I in competition with?

Mary Alessi:
That's true.

Steve Alessi:
Why why what's up with my self esteem? Why why is my ego so fragile that I would need to say something negative about the people who birthed my wife Right. My spouse? That's ridiculous.

Mary Alessi:
I think I think that's so important to have the boundaries of being loving and kind to one another and understanding that hurts, but it's also not off limits to talk about.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And that's the like, that's the point. When we hear couples go, Oh, don't go there. Oh, don't go there. Oh, don't you go. She'll freak out or he'll get so upset. I can't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Well, that's not healthy. It's not a relationship.

Steve Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
You should be able to sit down, if it's not a cup of coffee with a glass of wine Yeah. And talk about things and feel be truthful. Not cruel, but be honest and be truthful.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. So that one is dealing with some external pressure or in a person. But let's get down to the now nitty gritty of the people that are in the relationship. Hormones and testosterone levels. Don't talk about it. It is a no go zone. Yeah. Why?

Mary Alessi:
I don't know. I know.

Steve Alessi:
I would say if a lady if a man can look at a lady and blame her Cycle? Moment. Yeah. Her dragon. She's upset. She's saying something to him, and he wants to say, It's because of this. Then she should have every right to be able to say, Yeah, you're aggressive, or you're less passionate.

Mary Alessi:
Get your testosterone checked. Yeah. So that doesn't attack his manhood to say that? Probably. But you know, what's what happens in relationships? Don't get by that. No, no, I'm just Is your woman Yeah. Well, it's one it is a natural instinctive no go zone because when you're dealing with your hormonal cycle and all the tribulation that comes along with that, you're already so hypersensitive because of the hormone plummeting and all the issue that even a look from your husband is so irritating. I wish I understood why. I don't.

Mary Alessi:
We have to learn to control that as women. And the longer we get older and we deal with it, the more we realize this is my hormones. If you have a good mom and she teaches you, babe, that's your hormones, make decisions. Why our husbands can't say it, I don't know.

Steve Alessi:
Put a stick right pause on that for a minute. Because a man has the same thing.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
When his hormone his testosterone levels are high Yeah. He's all it takes is a look, and he's chasing you.

Mary Alessi:
That's true.

Steve Alessi:
But when they're low, all it takes is one word from you. And it'd be easy to set him off or pull back.

Mary Alessi:
It's true. Hormones are a huge part of

Steve Alessi:
your life. You got to talk about it.

Mary Alessi:
You got to talk about it in season and out of season. So it's

Steve Alessi:
better. Out of cycle, I guess it's best that's when the woman should maybe put it in her phone to say, let me talk to my husband. Yeah. Give him an education when I'm away from the dragon.

Mary Alessi:
But didn't you remember how you put it in your phone? Yeah. You put it in your calendar because there were four women in the house and the dog. And you put it in your phone when each girl would potentially be in that week.

Steve Alessi:
Which synced up after a while.

Mary Alessi:
It all did, but you were it helped you know, don't touch that. It doesn't mean that I can't talk about those things, but I'm just gonna be a little bit more sensitive right now. But we're not gonna have a dynamic that I I don't wanna create bombs going off because I don't realize, okay, this is a more sensitive week. But at the same time, I'm gonna talk about the fact that I asked you to take out the trash and you didn't. So we're gonna keep the rules the rules. This was back when the girls were teenagers. I am gonna be more sensitive because I'm aware, but it's not going to be a no go zone. You slam the door, go in your room, and you cry.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I would tell the girls all the time, you're not gonna use your hormonal swings to to manipulate or control. And women naturally will do that and not even realize they're doing it. Oh. So you need somebody in your life to say, no. We're not gonna do that. That's manipulation. And you learn to do that over time based on how the people in your life respond.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So that was something that we worked out with the girls. We talked about it. But it also has helped them even in their relationships.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
If you will check yourself let's go back to the beginning of this podcast. Yep. You control yourself. Listen. Don't don't get upset with me. This is my monthly. I'm this is a more sensitive week for me, but your truth is truth, and I can receive it. And you work together

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
To not create it's not just bad habits. It's landmines

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
That can destroy your marriage. And when you sift through the rubble after a broken marriage, and you look through it and go, It's because we allowed no go zone. I couldn't tell the truth. I couldn't say what I needed to say. I loved her, but she would never let me talk about what I needed to talk about. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, those are things that maybe humor can help with that one right there as both parties could take responsibility for where they're at with their hormones and testosterone and just make it humorous at that point.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So when they're going through it, that's one of those things which another couple helped us greatly in that area. Because when we were so tight, wound tight, first married, we needed some help and we found a good mentor that showed us that all things could be diffused by that aren't that important by some humor.

Mary Alessi:
And not taking yourself so doggone seriously.

Steve Alessi:
Which helps. Which then but this one this is another one. Alright? Huge. K. And, gosh. I wish I wish I learned this early on, but it was weight.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yes.

Steve Alessi:
A person that is overweight, they're so sensitive that it becomes a no go zone. Yeah. They just they don't want you to talk about it. Right. They don't want you to state the obvious when and I can say this. Okay. I can say this because I was the one that didn't want you to state the obvious when I'm putting down my second quarter pounder with cheese. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And I'm wondering why my 38 pants is getting tighter. Yeah. And I'm over two hundred and thirty two hundred and thirty five, could have probably hit two hundred and forty. And I'm only five ten, five nine, five ten. And that ultimately had led to a a heart attack for me. So I know the feelings. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
The sensitivity.

Steve Alessi:
The sensitivity. For sure. But yet and here you were skinny as a rail. My God, you'd eat anything and not gain a thing. Yeah. A pound. And it just was crazy. My mom was like, oh, she needs to eat more.

Steve Alessi:
Mom, she is. She's always eating, but she's so fortunate. She also likes vegetables, mom, and I don't, you know? Right.

Mary Alessi:
Well, but the other bad habit is I wouldn't finish my food. And I'd Oh, gosh. And you'd finish mine. So that was always, Don't do that, young men. Don't do that. Let her take her food home. Eat it tomorrow.

Steve Alessi:
But but that's a real issue. Now I can say it in humor from my standpoint.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
But that's again something that some ladies that they they just don't want you to address the issue.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. And it is an issue. But when you take it into your own hands, it goes back to that. I'm aware. I put some weight on. I gotta get this weight off. And there's there's couples that are both overweight and they're, like, fat and happy. And that's fine.

Mary Alessi:
You can talk about it. But don't ignore it either through humor if both of you are unhealthy. Because sometimes, you know, for me, it's hard to look at some young men in their late thirties and forties, and I see them large and in charge. And I have a little a little bit of, that memory, that reminder of what happened to you. Right. And you're in you were in such a tiny margin of survivors. Mhmm. So we're not just talking about the way you look.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. We're talking about your life and your health and your longevity and living a long life.

Steve Alessi:
Babe, we have more. So if your

Mary Alessi:
spouse can't say

Steve Alessi:
it We have this overabundance of widows in our church today.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, we do. Heart attacks.

Steve Alessi:
From heart attacks and and sugar issues. And that's premature death.

Mary Alessi:
And we can't talk about it.

Steve Alessi:
And we can't, as a husband and wife, sit down and say, look, what can we do together in this? What can I do? Remember, I'd always blame you. Mary, you gotta watch what you're cooking me. You need to make

Mary Alessi:
this thing. Don't let me eat those French fries.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And then if I'd say something

Steve Alessi:
I get mad.

Mary Alessi:
Don't tell me what to do.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. In the moment while I'm eating.

Mary Alessi:
And you married you married a person who my personality was, I don't want conflict. So eat your fries.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Eat them.

Steve Alessi:
It can't be a no go zone. No. If we're gonna have open dialogue, we we've gotta be able to communicate about this. Because listen, hormones will get in the way of the bedroom. Yeah. Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
That's true. But they will. Weight will get

Steve Alessi:
in the way in the bedroom. Absolutely. And that's just not that you didn't sign up for that.

Mary Alessi:
No. And you know what?

Steve Alessi:
And guys, I'll tell you, I see these young guys, not to just interrupt you here, but I see these young guys. I love it because before they're married, they're fit. Yeah. They take care of themselves. They spend time in the gym. Of course.

Mary Alessi:
I know what you're saying.

Steve Alessi:
They're looking good. They wanna look good. Then all of a sudden they get married. And a year later, they call it the dad bod. And they're not They only have kids yet. And they've already gotten to that place where they let it go. Yes. Now, listen, I know why they let it go.

Steve Alessi:
You've got two people to worry about rather than just yourself now. So at the end of the day, you gotta go home and be with your spouse. Whereas before you'd go to the gym at the end of the day. Right. Now you're not just worried about eating for yourself. It's sometimes it's eating at a convenience and you're quick. So you're not always eating the right thing or you and your wife, you wanna go out a lot. It's fine.

Steve Alessi:
It's fine. It's easy, convenient, especially when you get kids. I got it. It happens. And usually we go through that period after we've been married for a little bit, we get out of shape. And somewhere along the line, we try to get ourselves back in shape. Yeah. But you gotta have that conversation to say, all right, when's enough? When is enough enough? Right.

Steve Alessi:
Does the scale tell you enough enough? Your clothes tells you enough is enough? Does sex in the bedroom or lack thereof tell you it's enough is enough? Yeah. Something's got is talking to you when you are out of weight. Maybe the doctor's telling you enough is enough. Your blood test is telling you enough is enough. When are you going to be able to have that go zone with that? Because it's going to add ultimately to the happiness and well-being of your marriage. That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And, you know, you're my best friend. And I'm your best friend.

Steve Alessi:
And you're a twin. That makes me feel really good to hear

Mary Alessi:
you say that. But we've been married longer, and the truth is the order is that you are my I don't have a best friend outside of you. Right. My sister is is a different kind of best friend, But it is my responsibility to be your helpmate, not hers anymore. It's hers is to her husband. Mine is to you.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
And honestly, throughout the years, when I would ask God for grace, timing, and the right words to say it, usually, if I didn't just blast my disappointment or my lack of approval or my frustration and it wasn't about me, It was more about my love and concern for you. How can I help you? It was always received better.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But I think the danger that we see in a lot of couples is it's my body, it's my life, it's my decision, and you can't say anything. This is who you married

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And you can't say anything about it. Mhmm. And that is what will lead to irreconcilable differences. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you'll sit across the table from a divorce attorney

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Saying we can't reconcile. And all it means is we can't get down to the bottom of the problems that we're having. And it's the fact that we can't be honest with each other.

Steve Alessi:
Alright. Let's move away from that one. Okay. Okay. Good. Here's one. How about phones?

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yeah. IPhone transparency.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm. Are a no go zone, more or less. It's it's my phone. It's what I'm doing with my time, whatever. That's terrible.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I mean, transparency, if you're gonna be transparent, which is needed in a relationship, then I should be able to hand you my phone at any second.

Mary Alessi:
Yep.

Steve Alessi:
And you look at it and you can search my search, you can check my social media feeds, what I'm looking up at, all that kind of stuff. And it shouldn't that shouldn't be a a no go zone. We shouldn't have that transparent.

Mary Alessi:
Have each other's password. There's no secrets. Yeah. There's nothing hidden from me. There's nothing hidden from you. There's no private Facebook page. I'm not talking to nobody. You're not talking to nobody.

Mary Alessi:
We have complete authorized transparency. Yep. I am yours and you are mine. That means your iPad, your iPhone, your laptop is mine too, as well as all my technology belongs to you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And we are very open about that. There's no room

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
To be secretive, and have little hidden air you know, my father did that to my mother. Mhmm. And it was before there was no technology, but he had a briefcase. I'll never forget this. He had a briefcase, and he would always say to her, don't know, but that's mine. That's probably it's none of your business. Mhmm. And when he when they got divorced, Steve

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
She had it at the house and he because he'd left and she found a way to break into that thing. There was nothing in it.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And sometimes you can terrorize your spouse

Steve Alessi:
Gosh.

Mary Alessi:
Just to be mean That's mine. I have mine. No. Mhmm. What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine. And now we have so many devices. There's a lot of secret places we could go into. Yep.

Mary Alessi:
But why don't do that and get married. If you're gonna be that person, don't get married.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because that will be the first thing.

Steve Alessi:
They're not. They're not, Steve.

Mary Alessi:
There's a lot of people that aren't getting married.

Steve Alessi:
Well, to protect I know this just to protect myself. John Roman, Armando, my son, they all know my passwords. There's there's for one thing, they help me with all my computers, all the phones, and they know how to get into the house. They know the everything's electronic. They know all those things. And it helps me, be very safe. I can find my safe place when I'm that transparent with them. And it's the same with you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. I want you looking over my shoulder when it comes to my phone. Right. Because I'm no different than anybody else. And the devil wouldn't be much of a devil if he didn't try to put images on my phone that wants to lead me down a path that, hey, my flesh enjoys. I'm sorry, I'm visual. Every man is. We enjoy something that is beautiful and intimate and sexy that draws us in.

Steve Alessi:
But we need the protection of our spouse to keep us. So the phone can't be one of those no go zones. And you you if you see that your spouse is on it a little too much or a lot too much, you should be able to have the conversation.

Mary Alessi:
So what if you try and they explode and they what do you tell a young man or a young woman that's newly married when she tries and he freaks out?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. I I think you bring it up. I do. And if he if he freaks out, I think then you you set certain boundaries to protect yourself. Yeah. I'm sorry. If a person is willing to hide things from you, then you better do something to protect yourself because the path that's taken you down isn't gonna be good. Isn't good, no.

Steve Alessi:
And if a person is that hard hearted or cold hearted to not be willing to open up their life to their spouse, then you better check whether you wanna stay married. And I hate that because I don't believe in divorce, but I also don't believe in abuse.

Mary Alessi:
But you can also analyze all of that and sift through it in the dating process. So what the dating behaviors are, the marriage behaviors are gonna exacerbate. So just be mindful of that when you are dating. Talk about that in the dating process. Before you marry that person, talk about their relationship with their phone just like you would their relationship with their money.

Steve Alessi:
Podcast right there, Mary. Well, we we gotta jump into the Yeah. You gotta pre qualify that whole person that you're going to be spending the rest of your life with.

Mary Alessi:
But you shouldn't wait to get married before you find those things out.

Steve Alessi:
No. No. Which then, you know, you you wanna talk about you wanna talk about money as being a no go zone Yeah. Because it becomes one of those conversations. You you've got people that hide their purchases from their spouse.

Mary Alessi:
No. Well, I can say from my own personal experience when we were first married

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
When I was young and dumb, I had zero self control with money. I didn't spend thousands. I never put us in deep debt. But because we were frugal with even the $20 when we were first married, I didn't understand discipline of money. And we joke about it, how I had a checkbook, but I would go and take $20 out of the ATM. And that was when you were supposed to write it in, and we would be overdrawn $30, and you'd freak out. And I did what? And I'd cry. And the tendency to hide out of ignorance.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Because I was just ignorant and young. Uh-huh. But it's easy to be a person that wants to go, I if I buy it, I'm gonna buy it.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that's that is not healthy for a relationship.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You need to be honest. And we joke about the stuff we go to the store and we buy and we sneak it in the side door, that new dress. And that may be pennies and silly and whatever, but there are couples.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, I love your your answer to when I said, hey. Is that new? Oh, yes. But I'm gonna take it back. I I'm probably gonna take it back.

Mary Alessi:
And I sometimes I do. But see, we can talk about it.

Steve Alessi:
We can talk about it.

Mary Alessi:
It's it's not a no go zone.

Steve Alessi:
Not anymore.

Mary Alessi:
You didn't even notice this was No. You

Steve Alessi:
didn't need this. You told on yourself when you put it on, No problem.

Mary Alessi:
I got it on sale.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. So it's it's this last one I think is really powerful. Okay. And it's Okay. It it's, I don't know, maybe more less transparent to talk about back in our day, more in this day. And it needs its

Mary Alessi:
own podcast.

Steve Alessi:
And it's sex. Yeah. And, and we say it's sex because if there's a couple that's married and they're unfulfilled in the bedroom. Right. It it has to be a goes on. Yeah. There has to be a conversation about it. I just know from my perspective, how important it is and regular listeners to the podcast hear me talk about this quite a bit.

Steve Alessi:
It means everything to me to be able to share that on a regular basis with you. And it's not shut up. It's it's it's not something that, you know, we we We're

Mary Alessi:
closed about.

Steve Alessi:
We're closed about or it's it's become an issue with us. Right. You know? And it's it's the whole it's gotta be the go zone. It's gotta be something that you can talk about. You you just can't put it away and fear be fearful that if I bring it up, he's going to think something dirty of me if I have a fantasy or if I have something that I like that allows me to be intimate to you. Right. And we're able to talk about these things with each other.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I think there's a lot of couples, I mean, even before you get to that, which is another podcast, that don't even know how to pursue. And if it doesn't go the way, you know, if they're not honest and open about even talking about just their own personal intimacy before any of the other stuff, they'll just roll over and go to sleep and nobody says anything. I'm tired. You're tired. And then weeks go by. Months go by. For some young couples, a year can go by and they don't have sex at all. And nobody brings it up and it's that unspoken thing at night, and everybody just goes to sleep.

Mary Alessi:
Well, then then no one pursues, no one reaches out, no one touches. And that is the quickest way to end your relationship.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That that to kill a marriage.

Steve Alessi:
A guy's getting it somewhere.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And so he wants that to be fulfilled in the marital relationship. And if it's not, then that's one of those things. It's not gonna be talked about over coffee.

Mary Alessi:
No, but he needs to feel like he has the right to talk about it.

Steve Alessi:
Both partners should be able to. One may be more sexual than the other.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, that's normal.

Steve Alessi:
That is normal. Yes. And that's usually the case. Yes. And it serves you well when you're young. As you get older, you find yourself I know from my perspective, it's become a real safe place for me. It's I need it. I tell you that all the time.

Steve Alessi:
I'm more of the touchy feely. I wanna feel your soft skin. I wanna come up next to you. And a lot of these things that we've talked about up to this point leads or has some kind of impact on this right here. Right. And the conversation that we're constantly having about money or about our hormones or about other family members, so much of that spills over into the bedroom.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And it could interfere Yes. With that, which is why the conversation about all of these goes no go zones is so important. Yeah. I could tell you, and we're going a little later on this, I can tell you why people won't have the conversation is one, there is that fear of rejection or conflict. They just don't want to be rejected if they bring something up. And then

Mary Alessi:
before they don't want conflict.

Steve Alessi:
They don't want conflict. Yeah. You were a non conflict person.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
I was so accustomed to conflict. But it wasn't conflict. It wasn't abuse. It was truth. It was conversation. It was communication. Even though it was at a higher decibel that the neighbors could even hear more so. Some people just wanna avoid being vulnerable.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. For a guy to talk, for a guy to do that, I do this for a living. But for a guy to talk to his spouse about what he wants almost comes across as a sign of weakness.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
He's needy.

Mary Alessi:
Sure. And he doesn't wanna feel that way.

Steve Alessi:
And neither does she. No. They they they have to press past that being feeling, vulnerable or complacency. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
We just don't go there because it's been that way for so long. Right. And you just accept that this is your marriage and your relationship, and it doesn't matter. He doesn't care. She doesn't care. And you just become complacent, and nobody wants to rock the boat.

Steve Alessi:
Gosh, Mary. If I knew that there was an area of your life that you're unhappy in Mhmm. And I wasn't addressing it, that would make me feel terrible. I know it. Because I wanna meet your every need. Absolutely. That's the knight in shining armor that every man wants to be to a woman. And if he sits back and thinks that she's hiding something from him and that's her own, quiet pain that she's dealing with alone, it's it's gonna break him.

Steve Alessi:
A healthy guy, it breaks him.

Mary Alessi:
A healthy guy. And if you don't know if you have a healthy husband, maybe it's because you haven't talked enough. Maybe it's because you're not communicating enough. And you have to develop skills in your relationship. You don't just, out of the gate, have a healthy, happy marriage. You have to work at it. It is a lifetime of working at it. And different seasons bring different needs and different expectations.

Mary Alessi:
We're still learning one another because we're still learning ourselves. I mean, we're grandparents now. How does that affect the bedroom, honestly? Yep. You know, there's a lot of things that just start to happen, hormone shift at this season of our life. I mean, my ankle hurts and all I did was walk, you know? And but all of those things start to affect the bottom line. And if we don't talk about it and share with one another, if I feel like in our marriage, I can't talk about it, I don't wanna talk about it because I don't wanna deal with all the fallout, That's not healthy for me as a person. Mhmm. It's not healthy for you as a person to feel like you cannot share the things that bother you about me

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Or even be vulnerable about the things that bother you about yourself.

Steve Alessi:
Right. You

Mary Alessi:
know? We should be in a place, especially after all these years, that we can be honest enough to say, this is what I'm feeling right now. Help me. Yeah. Who else but one another

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Do we have?

Steve Alessi:
That's true. So the whole communication skills. Now here's what we've got to do as we start to bring this in for a close. To set up the environment for this kind of go zone conversation. Right. We're going to come together, and we've gotta set up a time to do so. Right. And do it in an environment where you feel peaceful, you feel no stress, you you're able to have that cup of coffee or that glass of wine and say, hey, can we just talk about some things? Right.

Steve Alessi:
I think having the environment set up for it is important. You wanna do so when you do have that environment. You wanna do so with the least amount of anxiety. Yeah. That you're coming to the table with. And you've got to figure that one out because that anxiety could quickly turn into anger. Yeah. And emotional overages where now an argument ensues.

Mary Alessi:
It's an overreaction and now it's a big old fight.

Steve Alessi:
You're defending yourself. I got it. Which means we're coming at it from a curiosity standpoint, not a judgment standpoint. Tell me why this offends you so much. Tell me why we can't talk about this. Right. I really want to know why. Not I see you doing this and I don't like it.

Steve Alessi:
Now it's not about judgment, but it's more or less about fact finding.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because I don't want you over there hurting alone. I don't want you suffering by yourself. So bring me to the table and helping me see why this could be such a sensitive subject is important. Part of it, you know, dealing with the family back in our day, a lot of our issues with us and the in laws, your parents, was because of your dad's dysfunction.

Mary Alessi:
Exactly.

Steve Alessi:
And it was reminding you of the failure of the family. That's right. When I would pinpoint anything. Even in joking. I couldn't handle it. And that wasn't the case. So then, you know, when things get a little too hot in the conversation, it's okay to take a break and pause a little bit and then turn around and say, let's let's discuss this tomorrow. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And be okay with it to be able to take a break and do so. And then, of course, if it's so bad that you can't come to a resolve on your own, Get some professional assistance along the way. That's invaluable if it's needed.

Mary Alessi:
But if you can start with yourself

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
That is step one. That's the first base. I am going to be a person that's open and as irritated as I feel right now. I'm not moving. I'm gonna listen because I'm going to be that person that can at least hear truth if it's challenging me. And I wanna find out why it bothers me so much. Why does that make me so defensive when you bring that up? Why does that make me want to run out of the room and how dare you and who are you? If I can check that, and if I'm responsible for me and I carry that weight, you can ask me anything. I can ask you anything.

Mary Alessi:
And we can find resolution for any conflict we might have.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Exhale.

Mary Alessi:
That was a good one.

Steve Alessi:
That was a big one.

Mary Alessi:
We went ten minutes over, but it was worth it.

Steve Alessi:
We sure did. Hopefully, it's been helpful.

Mary Alessi:
I think so.

Steve Alessi:
Thanks for joining us for another edition of the Family Business with the Alessis. I think we've just taken care of good business today.

Mary Alessi:
We have.

Steve Alessi:
This was a good one. God bless.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business.