No More Sandcastles! How to Overcome Opposition and Build a Strong Marriage [Mid-Season Bonus]

Voiceover: 0:00

Hello and welcome to the family business with the Alessis, where family is everybody's business, and in today's bonus episode you're going to hear what happens inside the family business. On Sundays, normally, the Alessi's share what they can't share on Sundays, but this was a powerful talk that Steve and Mary Alessi shared together, talking about marriage, talking about what they face in the culture as they try to build strong marriages inside the church that they're building in Miami. This is such a great episode, such a great talk, really the same kind of talk that you would hear on a normal podcast with the family business. We wanted you to hear this for yourself. So let's step inside Sundays at the family business, as the Alessis share what it takes to keep a marriage strong and to avoid falling into sandcastle philosophies.

Steve Alessi: 1:01

The world. Mary is trying to put their rubber stamp on men and women. Guys and girls love husbands, wives, and they come in and divorce has become more commonplace than ever. Homosexuality is more popular today and almost forced down our throats. If we have a different belief where we're told that we are hate, it's hate speech. What I'm about to say is, considered after reading the Bible, hate speech. But homosexuality does not help us do what the original intent of God is for us. And when we read the Bible, gender confusion and gender identity with whatever I feel like today, if I may have the plumbing of a man, but I'm a woman that just comes against everything we just read and they're forcing it down our throat. And now that's becoming and especially our next generation coming up, that's becoming normal. And if a parent stands up and tells them the Bible truth is this they start to argue with the parent like the parents old school. They don't know better. It's the frog in the kettle. Keep the frog. If it's water's boiling, you throw them in there. He's going to jump out. But you put it at room temperature, start to flame and little by little, hotter and hotter it goes and the frog stays in the middle of all that, to the point that it boils to death. What the enemy's hoping for is all this junk we're being forced fed by social media and television commercials. Okay, Everything Hollywood movies, sitcoms, everything that stuff's normal and we're going to sit there and buy into it and not separate our heart from that false to what is truth. And then we end up.

Mary Alessi: 2:53

Well, when we look into that scripture verse, the whole point of it is to look at it as a mirror that we can reflect what it says. Our relationship can reflect what we are reading God's way of doing love, God's way of doing marriage. And the problem with what's happening in the world right now is it sandcastle building systems. They're building on sand. The first storm that comes. Listen, love is hard enough with the opposite sex and there's a roadmap for us for thousands of years. Love is difficult and anything that is hard is going to have opposition. Anything that's good and that's God is going to have opposition to it. So if you're in this room today and you're married, as you said earlier, no matter what stage you're in, or if you're single, please know this the world will lie to you because the person at the wheel right now is the enemy, and we know that all he is is the father of lies. So when those lies come in, you have to know the word of God. Your life has to reflect, and that's the beautiful part about a mirror you can look into it and say what's off? My hair is off, my makeup is off, my beard is off. I need to fix that. That is what the word of God gives you a good reflection to be able to make those adjustments and make those changes. You cannot listen to me. You cannot look at the world as your mirror of a healthy marriage and have a healthy marriage. You will not look at the world from a perspective of a parent, whether it's single or two of you and have a healthy parenting environment. You will not. You will not learn from worldly people. You will learn from godly people that are following a system that is proven, that works and gets the best results from the seeds that you sow. And if you want great seeds how many of you want great results and a great harvest then you've got to sow the right seeds. We preached about it for the last two Sundays. You won't get the marriage you want if you're not sowing the seeds today for a good marriage. You won't have the relationship with your children that you really want to have. They won't serve God. Listen, it's not by osmosis. The world is desperate to hold that mirror up to your kids and say you can look like this, you can reflect your life like this. This works and it doesn't work. It's a sand castle. The first storm that comes will blow it to smithereens, but God's word stands true forever and ever and ever and ever. You can stand on God's word for your relationship. You know, Steve, I think it's interesting to me that we are here today, even having this conversation. It is, it is amazing to me. I am in awe that in the year 2021, you are sharing that scripture verse, after 30 years of ministry, about gender issues, because people in our church are struggling. It amazes me. It's so important. Guys, the world is getting worse. The kingdom of God will stand forever and let it be the mirror that you hold up to your life, to your marriage, to your children, for everything you do. You will find success. You will build your marriage on a solid rock and when the storm comes, it will not be moved. You know, we saw this with COVID. In the first two months of COVID, Do you know that the divorce rates were through the roof? It was a good day to be a divorce lawyer. People couldn't even make it through the first two months of COVID. Why? Because the pressure was insurmountable and the marriages were not reflecting what God called them to reflect, even in the church, and their marriage could not withstand the pressure. Their parenting could not withstand the pressure of bringing kids home. It was a litmus test that many marriages failed. They couldn't stand it. They were living two different lives. For some marriages and we've talked to some of you COVID was the best thing that ever happened to you because it was a wake-up call. It was a gift for your life. We've got to make sure that we are mirroring Christ in our lives and following hard after God.

Steve Alessi: 7:15

So there were three images that we saw. One was how Christ loves the church. That's a good mirror. So if I'm going through something in my marriage, I've got to say to myself am I loving my spouse?

Mary Alessi: 7:25

That's right.

Steve Alessi: 7:26

Like Christ loves the church. The second would be the body. A man, his own body. He's saying, hey, if things aren't going well, if I see that my wife's not happy, am I loving her like I'm loving myself, and then the whole body together, when we are united as one. If I'm feeling divided, I need to go back and say, okay, what's up, Let me do a check, like I take my body to the doctor when I'm not feeling good. I've got to do a little check on my marriage, because the difficult thing about marriage is that we base it so much on love. What pulled us together was most likely certain values, same values that we saw. It could be looks that we saw, but then we said those words I love you. And then what do you do after? You say I love you, let's live together, or do you say let's get married. Hopefully you're able to really step it up as adults and say let's get married. This isn't a trial run. You can't try marriage like it's a suit and if it doesn't fit, you try to tailor it before you do. You should be able to get married and then say we made a commitment to work this out and therefore we're going to stay together, come hell or high water, through the different seasons of life, through the changes that we'll both go through, we're going to stay committed and united to one another through it all. So when we're thinking about all of this, I have just noticed that when marriages fall apart, it is the little things that start to build up over time and being aware of what those little things are, if we can help resolve them early on, before they become big things, we're going to stand a lot better of a chance to keep it together. So for Mary and I, over the years, we've just had to say, all right, to mirror what is in heaven, here on earth, we got to constantly check ourselves. We got to constantly work on me. Instead of her in my mind, I got to work on me. God never put me together with her to fix her. We were meant to complete one another, and so that meant that there's things that she has that I don't have. And what a lot of guys do is, once they get married, they go to work on changing the spouse, or vice versa. She thinks, all right, he does this. I can get by with that when we were dating, but you know I'll fix them over time, because we're, all you know, some in the relationship are more prone to be fixers than the others. But what we don't sit back and realize is that if our mentality is on a different page with what heaven has for us, then we are set up for failure, because the enemy, more than ever, the moment God put these words out there in Genesis, he has been busy at trying to bring the vision. What did he do with Adam and Eve? The first two, the first two human beings he put together by hand. He got in the middle of them. The enemy got in the middle of them and started talking to Eve to get her ear, and that caused division. And when it caused division it really caused chaos. And so we're always going to go through difficult times in our marriage. But how can we keep the little things from destroying what the big thing is that God has showed us in His Word? And just some practical stuff, mary. Let's make this part a little bit fun. So first thing I want everybody to do is look at the person next to you, ready, come on. Look at the person next to you and, just at the count of three, ready, come on. Look at me, ready. Or look at them at the count of three. Sorry, just laugh. Look at them at the count of three One, two, three go. Oh, that's not a laugh. Come on like really laugh at the count of three One, two, three go. I feel better already, so let's go. How can we keep this thing together that God wants to put together?

Mary Alessi: 11:41

Number one write this down and if you're single, write it down twice. Stir up love, be intentional. Think thoughts of love. Think about the good things that they bring to you, what you think enough of, you will start saying it and when you start saying it, you'll start feeling it. Think good thoughts towards your spouse. It's so important to do that because it's easy when you're with someone all the time to think thoughts that aren't loving, thoughts that you're irritated with what they did or what they did not do. And, of course, ladies, we know that it's so easy for us because we've got two sides of our brain that we're working with at all times. So we're constantly thinking of what he didn't do, what he did, what he didn't do, what he did, and they're always at odds with each other and you're frustrated and you have 10 times more words than they have that you need to use throughout the day. So when you do that, it's very hard. If you're not thinking good thoughts, 9 times out of 10, the words that you need to use that come out will not be good words. So you want to make sure that you are thinking good thoughts, saying those words that you're thinking, and that is when you'll start feeling good feelings.

Steve Alessi: 12:59

Is it the same thing with a pie? Mixing it up, stirring it up, yeah, so how do you make a pie, mary?

Mary Alessi: 13:08

Well, the way that I make a pie, I like cake better, because cake is a little bit better. You know, you put all the ingredients in and every ingredient matters. You can't leave one out. You will be able to tell if one ingredient's missing and then you put it in your mixer which I have a very nice one, thank you. I think you got me that for Mother's Day, thank you and you start mixing it until it's the right consistency so that everyone in your family, or whoever won, anyone that partakes in that cake, can enjoy that cake. And when we see our relationships that way, that the importance of stirring and incorporating love in our relationship, it takes work and it's not easy. Nobody said it would be easy. When you sang to me this morning, you know that that's something that I love. That's not something that you love. You really like romance, quietly, behind closed doors, just you and me. You aren't the big showman in the room, but you know that I love that and I love the song, by the way, great time. Three times today you did that for me and that was amazing. You'll never have to do it again. And I cry every time. You know, I cry because it stirs up love.

Steve Alessi: 14:23

Yeah.

Mary Alessi: 14:24

It stirs up love in my heart. That moment stirs up love in my heart. Guys, treat your girlfriend like your wife, like she's your girlfriend. Get in the car and just sing a love song to her A goofy love song, I'm telling you it will change the atmosphere. Be playful, be fun, stir that up.

Steve Alessi: 14:42

Okay, you had me going there until that one turned up. I'm gonna tell you you did it already.

Mary Alessi: 14:48

I know, but I can, I lean into this, you'll never have to do it again, don't worry.

Steve Alessi: 14:53

You didn't want it, so we got it on tape. Let me tell you what happened. You know we're leading up to this marriage and this year to marriages. We're going to have two weddings and, coming off of last year, all the hell that took place, with us and COVID having to separate from our church family, us not meeting and having to take the lead to make sure that our church was being brought through all of these difficult days. That was a lot of pressure, it was a lot of stress. It was stressful for you and your world and it was stressful for us because we were going against the advice of some people that were out there Don't pull the church together, keep them back. So we were treading on thin ice, in a sense, by faith. And then, of all things hit, my father, who was one of my greatest heroes, was gone in two weeks time. All of that created such confusion and yet, in the middle of it, chris and Rochelle get engaged, set a date. In the middle of that, the Lord brings a young man into Stephanie's life and Chris and Steph are talking marriage and it's like in the worst year of our known history. These blessings start to come our way. So now we're getting ready as we come at the end of the year and then into the beginning of the year, trying to deal with the different seasons of our family and the different season of dealing with our moms. Her mom just fell and broke her hip this week and her shoulder so she won't be coming to the wedding. My mom's concerned. She got her vaccine or second vaccine. She's afraid to be around people but she wants to be there, since especially the Mary's mom can't be there to be apart. My mom wants to be there. Mom's trying to find, my mom's trying to find her new direction of life. It's just so confusing, while we still go about the life that God's called us to live and I'm sitting there saying none of this in my life would be possible, the blessings that I really have without my wife none of it. The son that I have, the girls that I have, the fun around our home largely is this one. This one is the one that takes care of our home. I may wanna build things, I may wanna remodel things, I may wanna clean things, but she keeps the inside, the heart of the home, so special. She keeps the heart of the ministry special, lighthearted, loving, caring. I'm more. Let's get it done. Stay focused on the prize. Let's press through, don't worry about it. They'll get on board. Come on, they'll follow. Let's just go. She's more the heart, I'm the head, and I'm like I just can't let this special time go without some special recognition from my wife from me, not the church. She got a birthday coming up at the end of this month. It's Valentine's Day. We're getting married this month with our son the first one and now her birthday's coming. I was so blessed at my 60th in November. You guys messed me up for so long. I still have stacks of Bass Pro Shop gift cards that I'm still waiting to spin. You all were so good to me and I just had to make something for her. I had to stir it up. Trust me, it could have gone on the gift that I gave her last night for her son's wedding that she'll be wearing. I could have gone without that. We could have, because the money is needed for the wedding and all the things. But he's like no, no, no, I gotta stir this up. More than ever, and especially at 60 years of age, I cannot take this for granted and I can't miss it. I can't step out of bounds. Now more than ever, I feel better than I ever had. You look better than I ever had.

Mary Alessi: 19:06

no, yes, you do baby.

Steve Alessi: 19:07

You seen some of those old pictures? Jeez, there's more confidence now. There's more going right. I can't blow it. I can't get my eyes off the prize and she's the prize right now. Sure, god is the prize in my life, but more than anything else on this planet is this woman right here because she makes my dreams really come true. Oh, you got such a big heart. No, no, no. This is not too difficult. So here's what I gotta do. I gotta look at her and everything about her. I gotta think right, if I'm gonna stir up love, here's what I'm doing in the ingredients, I'm thinking good thoughts about her at all times when I'm tempted to get on things that irritate me, like I would do when I was immature and younger and didn't know any better. I can't do that anymore as a grown adult. I gotta look at the good that is in my wife and the good that is in our marriage and the good that's in our home and the good that's in our kids and the good that's in our ministry. I have to focus on and think on the good, because there's a whole lot of bad and other stuff that may look good to the eyes but it does not satisfy what's gonna be my legacy? I'm not gonna have it said of me that, oh, he got there for 33 years of marriage and then he blew it. That's not gonna happen here. It's not gonna happen. So he says you're so full of pride? No, I'm just wise. I know better than to blow it now. I know what has blown other generations and that's not gonna happen to me. That's like me saying I'm gonna walk out there and I promise you I am going to avoid every land mine in that field. That doesn't make me prideful, that makes me cautious as heck. I'm gonna walk softly, but I'm gonna think about her all the good and then, as I'm thinking it, I'm not gonna just hold it in, I'm gonna tell her and even if it's repetitive, if it's on replay over and over again, I'm gonna keep saying the things that I'm thinking about her, because I want her to know. She can't read my mind. She don't know what's in my heart. I can say certain things, but unless I'm constantly repeating it and all the time saying it, if I'm thinking it, I'm gonna say it and you know what's gonna end up happening. I'm gonna feel it and if I feel it, she's gonna feel it, but I can't do what society tells me to do. Society says wow, you've lost that love and feeling, oh, that love and feeling. You've lost that love and feeling and it's gone, gone, gone, oh, boom, do do you know, what I'm saying. I can't go by my feelings because I don't and she don't. I don't love her all the time by feeling she doesn't love me all the time, by feeling my kids hardly love me, by feeling they gotta love me by honor and position and respect. That's how we do it. We got it. I gotta put the. If I go by feelings, I'm in trouble because the opposite will happen. If I feel it, I'm gonna say something, and if I say something that's negative based on my feelings, then I'm going to start thinking it all the time oh, she's this or she's not that, she doesn't have that and she doesn't have she's got this. I'm going to get in trouble. But when I'm thinking it, when she says stir it up, what she means is think good thoughts that are loving and appealing, that make you then feel better in the future. Think it, say it all the time, and then you'll feel it all the time. Does that make sense?

Mary Alessi: 23:07

That was marriage gold. Good, what's that? Number two you ready, settle arguments quickly.

Steve Alessi: 23:19

There's only one more after this, so I could turn my mic off from here, if you want, because she's got this one from here on out. Okay, I got it. Settle. Say it again Settle.

Mary Alessi: 23:27

Settle, settle quickly. Move on from the bad moments. I know, honey, I've grown a whole lot. Move on from the bad moments quickly. Now let me just help all the guys in the room be set free and let me help all the ladies know something that's very important to know. Are you ready, ladies? Men are not that complicated.

Steve Alessi: 23:56

And all the guys.

Mary Alessi: 23:57

Should have given me a standing ovation. I got standing ovations in the other two services. Thank you, Lewis. The rest of you are cowards. Men are not that complicated, but we are. And when we get into battles with our spouses and we are on the, we're seeing ourselves as the prosecution and the defense and the judge and the jury. And our husband doesn't even know what you're talking about. Now we're in court. He doesn't even know where we are. We didn't even know we were in court.

Steve Alessi: 24:34

Where are we? We didn't get the summons.

Mary Alessi: 24:36

What he got lost in the mail, like what did I do at eight o'clock? What could I have possibly done when I left the house? That has caused me to deserve this whole process, this Judge Judy, when I get home, what the heck is this? And, ladies, listen to me you know when your marriage will really fall into a real smooth rhythm of joy when you stop taking yourself so seriously and when you stop feeling like your voice needs to be heard. Something that I learned a long time ago is a very strong woman. Steve married a strong woman. The submission side of this has not been easy, because I saw it perverted my whole the enemy perverted that whole submission verse in my mind. You can't submit to someone who could potentially hurt you. They got to earn it first. That's not what the Bible says. The Bible says to submit. Even my own understanding, my anger, my immaturity, my frustration, my thoughts of injustice things that I thought were done to me weren't done to me. You know, I married somebody who's and this is what I loved about him he's very strong, he's very aggressive, he's an alpha male. That's what I was looking for. But then when I got married and I am married to this alpha male that I'm very attracted to and I love when that alpha is turned on me and he barks at me or he gets mad at me. Oh, my word, I don't think so, cause I'm an alpha female. You want to say something? You said I could take it from here.

Steve Alessi: 26:18

I did, but just from a man's perspective. Oh brother, being mad and being mad at you are two totally different things.

Mary Alessi: 26:29

Praise the Lord.

Steve Alessi: 26:31

A man could be mad and not be mad at you, Whereas women hold on a minute.

Mary Alessi: 26:40

If I'm mad, I'm mad at you.

Steve Alessi: 26:44

And Chris and Stephanie and Lauren and Gabby and Tyson and Stasia, absolutely, he's always in my target.

Mary Alessi: 26:55

I will say I completely forgot, I did no, okay, so settle arguments quickly, ladies. I'm the alpha female. Thank you for remembering that part, see Cause you know what. You get married, and two strong people get married, and the enemy works over time and he sees two strong people that could have a strong relationship, that could really do a lot in their lives and in their families lives, and accomplish something great together Build an amazing life, an amazing life, a strong wife and a strong husband. Do not think for one minute. The enemy is not all over that, and it's not going to be the big things, it's going to be the stupid, petty things, it's going to be the fears. When you have a fight and he gets upset and he goes a little too far in the anger moment, and you all of a sudden, ladies, you start melting down. Oh my God, he's abusive. He's not abusive, he's having a moment until he hits you. That's a different story. Can I tell you what, though? Most women will call a man aggressive, when he's really just being a man and he's frustrated. And he's more frustrated because something's going on in his heart that he needs you to help him with and I tell you if you will approach it instead of with it. You always how many of you know when you say to your spouse you know, you always let me help the two young couples that are going to be getting married. Just do not ever say that to one another, because you'll never get to the subject. You'll get stuck on the always Defending all the husbands and wives oh, preach your past from Mary. You're gonna get stuck on that. I don't always, and You'll never get to what it is You're trying to deal with because you can't settle the moment quickly and just move on when he says something that's rude or he says something that hurts your feelings. Remember this he doesn't have any feelings, so he can't figure out what you're heard about. See, see, just now you just said wow, wow, he doesn't. So why in the world would you get stuck in an emotional roller coaster for the next eight hours until he gets home and you cannot wait to Sit him down and you're gonna let him know this will never happen. You will never speak to me that way. And then, when he's flipping because he doesn't remember, because he doesn't remember Now you set yourself up for rejection. I'm telling you we'd laugh, we joke, but these are serious moments. Move on from the moments quickly. Let them roll off your back. Just let him be him and go. Oh well, and do what Dr Laura says. When they're in the middle of that frustration and they're mad, just reach over and grab them and give them a hug. Now, men, take that at your own peril. Men women men should be careful when they do that with women, because women do get like get off me. You know we don't like that, but can I tell you it does settle the emotional height and the frenzy that happens in that moment. Bring that down. Respect one another and move on from it quickly. Don't let it be a thing. It's not a thing. Be like Elsa, let it go. Let it go. Don't hold it back anymore, just just let it go.

Steve Alessi: 30:25

You know, babe, the strong women thing, I that's been from the very beginning. It has not been just in this last couple of generations that women have been fighting for their strength in their place, that's right again the two women, I mean the two people God made Adam and Eve. Eve took a lead role for a minute. She, she and she had influence over Adam. That's not a bad thing. It's just got to be the right kind of in that right kind of thing. There's nothing wrong with strong women, yeah well, I'm surrounded by him and I'm always thankful for that that. Their strength is there to be admired. They can handle probably a little more when it comes to diversity of different things. They can. A lot of them are like a able to to Multi-task. Yes, especially as they get older, you know, men seem to get more focused on one thing and doing one thing pretty good. Women have that ability to juggle a few things. That's why he, you know, made them women to have kids, because when you get multiple kids, you're juggling quite a bit, plus, you got a career. The thing is there. If we're gonna move on from arguments, it's gonna require that we have to accept each other's differences, and from an aggressive Standpoint and a guy from a guy's perspective. We don't have to feel like there's a winner or a loser. It's really just what it is. It's just an argument, it's just a disagreement. And when the Bible says don't let the Sun go down on your wrath. What he's trying to show us is okay, don't like somebody says, well, you got to make sure, when the Sun goes down, that whatever differences you had, you need to resolve it. Well, sometimes you're still like percolating over something and it was hurtful. But what he is trying to say is just make sure you put an end to those feelings. Yes, if it's not by when the Sun goes down you don't resolve it, then at least make sure the next day, yeah, you don't wake up with it brewing again, get a good night's sleep over it and then move forward with it and so forth. But that's, it's not easy. It's not easy relationally. Here's why we know it's so hard and hopefully something we've said today has been helpful to you and we're gonna wrap it up. But the Bible says thank you man. Oh, a guy, a guy started with that. Thank you so much here. Romans 8 31 says if God beforces, who can be against us? And then it goes into start talking about all the things that could try to break us up in and in life. Shall peril, no, shall. Shall heartbreak, no. Nothing shall separate us from the love of God. What it shows us. Is this anything God is for? If God is for us, then they'll always be opposition against us, and we already saw at the beginning of the word reading in Genesis what God is for, and and it's like then every other chapter in the Bible you're gonna see what the enemy is opposing. That's why they had to give us a law, because the law had to go into place to stipulate certain behaviors with mankind that will lead you to blessing and not the curse, because so many of the people of that day, when the law was given, was buying into a Culture that was contrary to what God was for and it just continued over into even the New Testament. So God has to state things in the local church. This is how the church has to be set up. Make sure you abide by these principles, because he's trying to help us remember. This is what God is for and there's opposition to it, so be ready for it.

Chris Alessi: 34:12

You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the LSEs and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our Pottie it's today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to a lessee family business comm and tap the ask the a lessee's button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail, comment or question and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple podcasts. We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the family business with the? A lessee's, because family is everybody's business.