Parent = Friend? Emotions, Identity and What Your Kids Actually Deal With at School | S5 E5

Intro to Season 5 Ep 5

SPEAKER_02 0:09

Well, hello, and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessis. And in the booth today, I'm Mary Alesi. I have our number three in the line of four children here with me, Lauren Alesi. I love talking to her. We have some here. Great conversations, and she has a lot to share in the area that we're going to be talking about today, which I love to talk about. I feel like I have a whole lot to say. And I know Lauren does too, because it's in the field that she's being developed in and she's learning and her career is taking her in. And that is parenting and family and counseling and dealing with your kids. All of your kids, all ages. And I know you've learned a lot, Lauren, in the last, what, a year and a half, because you've been interning at a Christian school, and for a season you filled in for the counselor, finishing your master's degree in clinical mental health counseling. Yes. She always corrects me. Oh, it's okay. When I get it wrong.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Essentially just counseling, but that's the name of the Clinical Health.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

Mental health counseling. Clinical mental health counseling. I'll get it right. I love you though.

SPEAKER_01 1:18

It's really I get it mixed up all the time. It's fine.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

I do care about what you do enough to get it right. I do, I promise. I will. I'll practice. Um, but it's always good for us to have conversations because we don't really ever have to say, what do we want to talk about? Because we know what we want to talk about. We sit and have these conversations while we're cooking dinner, washing dishes, because she still lives at home. Thank you, Jesus. I love that I still have her at the house for a short period, but you're still there. So you're still kind of taking in all the parenting skills, as well as watching what you know, parents at school are doing at a Christian school, whether they are in a place of conflict with their kid from elementary all the way up to high school, the parents that are doing it right, and the parents that you come home and say, Man, I wish these parents would listen.

SPEAKER_03 2:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:10

So let's talk about that a little bit. Um, I know this subject for every parent is a big one. It can be a hot topic because we all have different styles

“Old School” vs “New School” Parenting

SPEAKER_02 2:21

of parenting based on how you were raised. You know, maybe people were raised with a dad who was heavy-handed or mom was low-key, or dad was super passive and low-key, and mom was heavy-handed. There's so many different personalities of parents, so many different expectations. So let's talk about it. Okay. First of all, let me ask you this. When you compare the parenting styles of how you were raised, okay, don't throw me under the bus. No, it's fine. No, but how you were raised versus what you're seeing today on a school campus, compare that. What do you, what's different?

SPEAKER_01 2:58

Yeah, I would say one of the the main, I was just talking about this yesterday. That's very interesting. Um, the main difference I see today is everybody has their child's back no matter what.

SPEAKER_03 3:09

Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Um, which I think is unique in certain like I think there are times where that is appropriate.

SPEAKER_03 3:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Um, but for instance, uh I was talking to another teacher and she was saying, if my mom ever got a call from the teacher, that was it. That's all she needed, and I was in trouble. Yeah. And it it's just the fact of another adult having to call my mom because I had stepped out of line because I had done something wrong. She knows me well enough that if the teacher has to call her at home, I did something wrong.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Oh my.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

And it's that knowledge of your kid, that understanding of your kid that no, no, no, no, no, I know you. If I'm getting a call from your teacher, you did A, B, C, and D. Yeah. And today what I'm seeing is a lot of almost disconnectedness of who this is gonna sound terrible, but a disconnect in the child and the parent. But no matter what, I'll always have your back. So it's a friendship. It's not a child and a parent, it's a total friendship. And so no matter what, I'll love you, no matter what, I'll have your back, but it's not this. No, no, no. I know you well enough that if your teacher's telling me you did something, I know for a fact that you did it. Because I see you at home and you're doing that same thing. And I hear you with your siblings and you're doing the same thing because I know you. Um, and so it's almost there's a disconnect nowadays with parents and their and their children. And it's not everybody. We have to give credit. There are parents who are doing great, and they still have that old school way of parenting, um, which we thank them for that.

SPEAKER_02 4:45

So you you're saying that the old school way of not being your kid's best friend or having their back is really not the best way. The old school way of your kids not.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

No, I prefer the old school. That's what I'm saying. I prefer the old school way because um That's the better way. I think so.

SPEAKER_02 5:01

You think it produces better results in kids?

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Because you know what? When you it's very funny, this sounds so dumb, but I was watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which is my favorite show. And there's this mom who has raised her kids, and they have all like very, very strong. Both the parents are very strong. And it was the mom's birthday, she was turning, I think, 50. And one of the sons was making a speech for her, and he's like, you know, mom, every day of my life you told me, um, I'm not your friend, I'm your mom. I'm not your friend, I'm your mom. And he's like, I stand here today and I'm in my 20s. You are turning 50 years old, and I can honestly look at you and say, Mom, you are a friend to me. And that is the fruit. I could say this as a child with parents who always told me, I'm not your friend, I'm your parent. Right. They grow up to be like, you know, my my parents are my friends. Yeah. So true. It's very true. Your parents become your friends because they weren't trying to be your friends. They could care less what you thought of them when the uh you were younger. That's right. Um, so to grow up and be like, they loved me enough to not care about what I need, what I wanted to hear in the moment, but what I needed to hear in the moment, yeah, those are the kind of people you want around in your life. And I know it's funny because of course they're your parents, but when you remove the parent title, those are the people you want around in your life.

SPEAKER_02 6:21

That's really good.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

So yeah, that's how I put it.

SPEAKER_02 6:24

I know that when you come home some days, because you just said it so perfectly, we're done. Drop the mic. But um, when you come home some days, you you are frustrated. Obviously, you have to be very careful. You can't tell us details because some of these things are very private with what happens in with kids, but you do share about how the kind of the anxiety and the emotional breakdown of girls and even guys too, yeah, but in the pettiness of girls. And we've talked about this because Christopher is our oldest. We had a son first, and then we had three girls back to back. I was raised with two sisters. I have a twin and an older sister, and my mom was a very no-nonsense. You can cry. I'm not saying you have to bury your feelings. That was not her way, but she would just not let us melt down for no reason other than she took my nail polish. You know, we weren't allowed to just have these meltdowns over silly things that happened at school where we are emotional wrecks and we're freaking out and it's something that's small. So she was really strong about that. Okay, if you're gonna, if you're gonna have, or you're spinning out of control emotionally, first of all, you're not gonna do that. Get a hold of yourself.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

You know, back in the day, you'd see movies of somebody who would just be losing it and have an anxiety effect, and their friend would come up and slap them in the face and they'd be better, you know? It's true. It's very true. We don't see that anymore. Yeah. You know, we don't, we don't see that that anxiety is met with get it together. It's let me get in this with you and get to the depths of something's going on. And and we pet that anxiety and we we don't even really put healing salve on it. We really just kind of continue to fan that flame of she's got anxiety and now she's got mental health issues. Well, those words can be so dangerous if they're spoken over a young child.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

Oh, yeah, it's true. And I think those words have a place, and it's literally in a therapist's office and it's in a mental health consultation. And let them be the ones ones to determine that, right? Like, but I think what's unfortunate, and I was again, I was just saying this yesterday to one of my supervisors, to my supervisor, was that um I'm getting a call, I'm so sorry. Um, was that I'm very grateful I'm going into this field, not a mom, because you say it all the time. When you become a parent, the light switch turns on and you see things you've never seen before. So I'm very grateful I get to go into this field of counseling. I'm already kind of unemotional, but I don't have that mom switch on just yet. Because everything changes when that switch goes on. But I will say, I don't think what what parents notice when they do have a child who's very overly anxious, very over the top, like the they don't know how to connect the dots and to control their emotions. Um, pretty much every person who's in the field of mental health, but even every experienced parent looks at that kid and goes, something's going on at home.

SPEAKER_02 9:28

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Because anxious kids are always because of anxious parents. Yeah. 100% of the time. Kids just aren't born anxious. That never happens.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

That's a learned behavior.

SPEAKER_01 9:40

It's a learned behavior. Mom or dad is not telling showing them, okay, this is how you calm down. This is how you like that. And I think that's what's unfortunate for me is because that's what has gone on in my brain. So if your kid is just anxious, well, evaluate yourself. What are you showing your kids? Like, are you showing them, okay, I've had a stressful day because work was terrible. I've come home, there are no groceries, but I have to make dinner. That stressed me out, and the kids are running around. Okay, well, show your kids, even though you're stressed, how do you climb back down to normal? How do you climb back down to calm? Um, because anxious kids are always because of overly anxious parents. It's just 100% of the time. Absolutely. And I think you you had said this one time. You're like, if you ever see a young girl and she's just overly emotional, she saw that from either her mom or her dad. Yes. Like that, it's just it happens 100% every time. A kid just doesn't do that. No. It's a learned behavior.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

It's a learned behavior

Dealing with Meltdowns and Emotions

SPEAKER_02 10:39

and it it's something that can be unlearned. And one of the things that my mother used to say to my sisters and I, if we would start to have meltdowns, she like in that 10, 11, 12, your hormones are changing, because that's a big part of it too, that can start that very naturally where you're crying and you can't stop and you don't know why. I remember I came back from youth camp, I was about 15. And I was, it's a vivid memory. And I'd had a real experience there that was just so powerful. But the reality is I had my first crush. Okay. Let's be honest.

SPEAKER_01 11:12

It was not remove the rose-colored gaze, it wasn't just godly.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

I I think it was 14. I saw some cute boy, right? But he liked some other girl. So when I came home, my mother said, Well, tell me all about it. What happened? And I started crying and I could not stop and I couldn't get my words out. And so she first said, Well, tell me what the Lord did in your life. Wow, Mary, you're just really overcome. You've had this experience. And as as I'm weeping, crying, I'm going, Yes, I would wait, do I tell her about the boy? Because I knew if I had said, Well, I, you know, I saw some boy that I liked, and she would have said, Okay, now hold on a second. What are you really crying over? Get it together and let's get some perspective here. How much of this is just normal teenage girl being silly and your emotions, it comes out in your emotions, but she would have made sure we had that conversation. No, I didn't tell her. I made her think that I'd had this incredible experience, spiritual experience. It was just all gone.

SPEAKER_01 12:19

You know what why it's funny to me is because I think my first camp, I literally had like the same thing. And I was like, worship is just so amazing. And no, I was just trying to impress like a cute boy over there going, I just love the Jesus. I just love Jesus. Oh cute. So that's why I'm like, oh man, girls are all the same.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

They are. And if it what what parents can't do, and I know that there's a lot of single parents out there, that when they see that, immediately their knee-jerk response is my child is acting out in this way because I failed. My child is manifesting this because there's this deep seed of brokenness in my child. 99.9% of the time, that's not the case with a 13-year-old girl. 13-year-old girl is gonna have some meltdowns.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Usually when there's deeper brokenness, there's no emotion. It's hidden, it's deep. But the tears that are always at the surface and the freaking out, you just need somebody to talk to. But a great way to handle that as a parent, I my mom did this with us. We did this with you guys. All right, let's talk about it. Stop crying. Let's wipe those tears. Take three deep breaths. How deep can you breathe? All right, now let's have a rational conversation. But what can happen is when your kid goes that way, your daughter gets that way, you can't control it because you're trying to control it with more emotion, and then it ramps up, and then before you know it, you're on the level of a 13-year-old. And now you're battling this 13-year-old and you give give up, and all it does is get exacerbated.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

When the truth is, you're the parent, control the moment. And you don't have to shame them for having tears. Tears are good for girls, quite frankly. What did I used to tell you guys all the time when you'd get emotional?

SPEAKER_01 14:04

I'm forgetting, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

Go to your room and cry it out.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

That's true. That's very true.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Because there's a stress hormone that is released when you cry. So if you're having a hard day, go cry. Yeah. It's safe. Go cry in your room. And then when you're done, let me know and let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 14:19

And you guys were never the parents, which I appreciated. You were never the parents, unless it was silly and you knew, okay, my kids are trying to take advantage of this moment. You were never the parents to go, suck it up, you know, get over it. You would say, okay, you're dealing with this, but you go off on your own, go cry it out.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

But we're having dinner. Yeah. We want to have dinner. Yes. So don't ruin our dinner. You go do your thing and then come back when you're feeling good. And then I remember those feelings as a kid. I'd be like, but I don't want to miss dinner. I want to like be eating too. So then as a kid, you very quickly figure out a way to be like, okay, yes, I'm feeling sad. Yes, I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now, but what do I want to do? I want to have dinner with my family.

SPEAKER_02 15:05

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

So what do I need to do? I need to control what I'm feeling.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 15:10

So I and it's very interesting because yesterday I was um at my internship site and I saw the elementary counselor, the way she had handled um, like a young boy who was just very emotional. Because, you know, boys at a certain age or at all ages can be emotional too, and they they're gonna cry and they're gonna have angry outbursts. So, and it was kindergarten, so it was an age where he couldn't be a puppet and he just cried like he really wanted to be a puppet. So he was upset and he was angry and he started crying, but the show had to go, the puppet show had to go on. And so the counselor was great, and she goes, Okay, well, that's all right. Um, you go ahead and cry because it's okay to cry, but we're gonna keep doing our puppet show. Um, and she continued on with the puppet show. He cried for maybe 10 seconds, and then he quickly realized, okay, hold on, but I want to watch this puppet show.

SPEAKER_02 16:04

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

And then he moved over, he wiped his tears, and it was done. And he was done crying. So I think it's like you said, you always say this when you get down in the weeds of a teenager's or a kid's feelings, that never helps. Because then you're just rationing with a 13-year-old. You just got all down in there.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

Oh, I mean, you're gonna walk out like, why did I just I wasted two hours of my life and nothing got done. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

But it's like for like I always go back to this. I can't speak as a parent to a parent because I'm not a parent. But what I can say is as a third party, this is how I view it.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Like with any friend that I would have. If I had a friend who had just gotten broken up with and we're having a good time and she's an emotional mess, I'd be like, you go be an emotional mess, but we're gonna go have fun. That's right. Join us when you want to. That's right. That's how you handle emotions, right? You don't dismiss them. You don't say like, no, they don't exist. And you just quit crying.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

It's ridiculous. It's no big deal. Yeah, you can't say that.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

Because that doesn't work either. No, no. But it's saying, look, you work out what you need to work out, right? But we're gonna have fun. Join us when you're ready.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

And what do you learn from that? What you learn is no matter if you're five, well, two, if you're two years old, or if you're 82 years old, you learn somewhere along the way when you do that, that if you're not careful and you don't put your emotions on the back burner, they can keep you from from some really good experiences. Yes. And you learn that as a kid. You're a parent that steps in and says, Listen, let's cry together for five minutes. All right, are you done? Now let's move on. We don't want to miss a game night with the family. And we're not bringing that to the dinner table. Let's work it out, but the whole family isn't gonna stop what we're doing because one person is having an emotional tailspin. And what people need to understand, those that kind of, if you're a listener and you may think you're raising your eyebrow, I don't know if I agree with that. Let me just say this. Let me go a little deeper in that in there in into this subject about that. Emotions are liars. They come when you're fatigued, when you're tired. They people get there, are some people that are that are divorced that wish they weren't because they let their emotions get the best of them. There are parents who overact reacted with their kids because they wish they hadn't, because they let the emotion of the moment get in the way. There's a lot of things that we do. We quit jobs because we have an emotional moment with somebody we don't like, and we we quit our job and we storm off. There are bridges we burn because of emotions. And when the emotions settle and we're not emotional anymore, and all that fades, we look back and go, why did I do that? I don't even really really remember. So we can't let emotions be God. Emotions don't lead us. We have to lead our emotions. No, we're not robots. Yes, we all cry. Yes, we sometimes have tantrums, but they cannot lead our lives. And what you don't ever want to send the message to your kid, this is the message you never want to send is if you're having an emotional outburst, the world stops.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yes, and we all cater to your emotional outburst.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

That is the worst possible thing you can do as a parent. We aren't doing that. My grandfather used to tell my mother and her sister. My mother used to tell us, and I told you, would tell you girls, go have your moment. If you need me, I'll come help you. But dinner's at 5:30. Don't miss it. And afterwards, we're gonna do something fun. And I remember getting my tears together real quick. Yeah. Because it was just an emotional, physical, biological thing that I was having in the moment and shifting gears so quickly with a mother that wasn't gonna get down in that with me. I I just remember feeling so relieved. Yeah. That I didn't have to give in to those emotions.

SPEAKER_01 19:59

Yeah. And I think it's it's kind of crazy because we'd live in a time where controlling your emotions is like a foreign language. Like even saying that is so foreign. Um, but I always like to say, and I I got it from a TV show, I hate to say it, but I did. And it was this guy who was in um the Marines, and he has said, he's like, look, emotions are like a horse, it's like a wild horse, and they will run wild, but you're the jockey at all times. So good. You have control, you know when to harness them, you know when to let them go. And as long as you know that, you're always in control. Yeah. And I would say on the flip side of this, there are moments in life where you need to get in a room and say, All right, this is a time, this is a whole day where we're gonna let ourselves be emotional. Yeah. For and I'll never ever forget, probably the most beautiful experience as a family we've been through was Papa's funeral week.

SPEAKER_03 20:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Because the whole family was in town and we just said, okay, come over to our house these nights. The next night we'll go over Grandmommy's house. And we, the whole family together would just cry together, tell stories together, laugh together, because that was appropriate. That's what we needed to do. If we just harnessed those emotions, didn't see each other, didn't let those out, we'd be here three years later, two years later, angry at each other. So we're not saying at all, no, you need to be alone, isolated, let those feelings out and never let anybody see them. We're saying the opposite, that there's a time and place for emotions. Right. If you need to have a conversation with your parents because you like a guy or you like a girl and it got way out of hand and you don't know how to feel and you need some wisdom from your parents, that's right. That's the time and place to have that conversation and to let those tears out. There's also a time and place where you're just giggly and you're excited about a boy for for when you're a girl, or when you think, you know, a girl's really cute and you just need to talk about it with your guy friends, then you have that with your friends. Right. And that's another way to express your emotions. That's right. And I I also wanted to say that's another flip side that parents think I can't call out what I'm really thinking. I don't want to disappoint my kids and what I'm really seeing in them because I need to be their friend. Right. Your kids have friends who will get giddy and excited for them. You need to be that person who's grounding them at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 22:21

I had friends my whole life who would get giddy, get excited

Why You Can’t Be Your Kid’s Friend

SPEAKER_01 22:25

with me, and I wanted them to be those people. I needed you to be the person who's going, okay, Lauren, is that really the Holy Spirit or is that just a cute boy that you saw scamp? Right. Like I needed you to be that person. And I needed my friends to be the ones scrolling on old Facebook photos that we thought he was cute. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Well, everybody needs a guardian. Yeah. Everybody needs a parent figure in their life that will tell them the truth and call them to order and say, be the jockey. You're out of control. This thing in your life, you're out of control. And not be afraid of that kid or that son or daughter, that somehow what you tell them, if it's the truth and it offends them, you're going to lose them. And I think that's where for me, watching so many of the parents today, the good ones that I see, man, the young parents that I see that are good, I, if I see them in the lobby at church, whatever, I put my arm around them all the time and I'll go, you're doing it right, you're doing it right, keep doing it, keep doing it. Because you, you only have a a window with your children. And every year counts. And if you, if you're trying too hard to be their friend and dissect their emotions and let their emotions lead and take the your kids' side over your teacher's side, that's not rational anyway. No. Parents and adults have to stick together. Um, but there's this whole newfound way of parenting that it's well, to they tell the teacher, well, that's your job. Isn't that your job? I leave them here for six hours, isn't that your job? No, you're the parent. Yeah. That's your job too. We're in this together. And when a kid understands that they can get in trouble at school, and if they do, then they're automatically in trouble at home. They're not going to have an advocate at home if they get in trouble at school.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:19

It's not going to work out that way. You're going to have a better kid.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

It's true. And I what one of the big things I feel and I see that is lacking today. Again, not in every family, not in every kid, but I would say a vast majority is community.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:34

And you were probably, I know for a fact you were raised. You had your school community, you had your church community, and then you had your family. Well, what's happening today, and especially post-COVID, that people, kids really go to school, they have their friends there, then they go home to their family, and then if they go to a strict school, they play sports and then they do their homework and then they go to bed and they do it all over again. Very rarely do kids go to church outside of the Christian world. Like that's very, very rare.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

It's true.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

But if you can create a space for your kid to have a community outside of school because something's going on with their school friends and they have their community outside of school, and then you have a good family or good parents, or even if you're a single parent, as long as you're a good source for them outside, that's really gonna create a really good sense of community in your child because we can't always rely on the school. School friends are gonna fail and have weeks where they're not very close with your kid. Um, but then you have an outside community that you can lean on, like a church, like a youth group, that they have friends there that they can rely on. And so that's to me, the the church, the school, and the family, those need to constantly be working in unity. And when one fails, I mean, it's just gonna not be in balance anymore.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Right, right. You have that, what fills in the gap, that other community that helps you, and it's a support system that's so important. I want to go for the last few minutes of this podcast into something that's a little bit more

Identity, Dating and Causes of Confusion

SPEAKER_02 26:01

um tenuous. And I know that most of our listeners are gonna agree with me, but there might be some that don't. But I know we're dealing a lot today in our public school systems and even in our Christian schools because of wokeism and um really leaning into whatever your emotions say you are, you are, whatever you're feeling like you are, you are, and how dangerous that is.

SPEAKER_03 26:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

Now, we we don't um make any apologies. We know what we believe, we believe what we believe, and we say what we believe.

SPEAKER_03 26:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

So when it comes to your 13-year-old girl, or maybe your 12-year-old boy who is at school and friends around him unknowingly, they don't realize what they're propagating by the phrases. They're they're picking it up on the street, they're hearing it from their older siblings. It's it's they're hearing it in the wind, you know, just with parents that lead the news on. Or it's, you know, that one kid that comes to school whose parent is woke, and they come in and they have this whole philosophy that you should be able to like whoever you want to like. And and, you know, you're it's very confusing. It is. It's it's it's the most confusing time to be a 13, 14, 15-year-old. And some parents are gonna tell me, how about nine, 10, and 11? Okay, because it's starting earlier and earlier. We were warned, we were warned 20 years ago, and now here we are. But we we never want to speak disparagingly against anybody who is struggling, but that's exactly what this is. It's a struggle, it's an emotional struggle, and you don't have to be anything that somebody that is not in your circle of influence that you trust says you are. Parents more than ever need to be telling their kids who they are. They are loved, they are a boy or they are a girl, that this philosophy that you can be anything is destructive and it is poison. Parents should not be afraid. They have to stand on the street corner, I hate to say it, in the in their own homes and in their own lives, and preach this gospel to their children and not be afraid. Because I do believe that this is a kind of like a plague that will blow over. That's another podcast. Um, it's gonna do a lot of damage as it comes through. But I think the parents that aren't afraid of it and they're they're not afraid of a of an environment that's going to either ostracize their kids or ostracize them, who cares? These are your children. Pull them out, homeschool them, quit your job, do whatever you got to do, sell your, I'm serious. Yeah. Do whatever you have to do. Cut back for a couple of years so that, you know, if you have to scale down, scale down so that you can protect your children because there's nothing more hindering to the success you want in your children than for them to go through a season of confusion and you are not there to silence the whispers in the wind and tell your children we don't listen to other people. We listen to our family. This is who we are. This is what we believe. We're not criticizing anybody else. We don't hate anybody, we love everybody, but this is who we are. Speak to that for a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

No, absolutely. I will say very, I'm very grateful we live in the state that we do because I really do feel like that's the rest of the country's problem. And and we live in a bubble in Florida, honestly, because the from my experience, and I feel like I'm also in a in a bubble as well at a very Christian school and a good school, but where I where I interned. Um, but we can't act like it's not there. I I did visit a public school once, and I was like, every child here is struggling with their identity. Every child here is I mean, it's a girl dressing like a boy, and then the boy's dressing like a girl, and it's somewhat of a fad, it's somewhat of a trend now. Right. Um, what I will say is what I've seen up close is it 100% causes anxiety in the children who are struggling with it. Because weird anxiety. A weird anxiety because it it's confusion at the end of the day. And how does confusion not cause anxiety and make you nervous and make you stressed out? Because there's no one simple truth. There's no one simple answer. And I think what's sad is this is hard for us adults to comprehend. Right. And we're kind of shoving this down children's throats. Exactly. And we think, oh, when there's no truth and there's no definite answer, there's no definite gender, um, kids are gonna love that. But children are screaming out for truth. Children are asking, no, no, no, what is the definite answer to all of this? Because even if they're not verbally saying that, their hearts are crying out, their brains are not fully developed enough to handle that. Um, but I will say we live in a a good enough state to where we are um protected in some ways. Protected in some ways. Um I was also gonna say something else, and then to be honest, it just totally slipped my mind.

SPEAKER_02 31:07

It'll come back.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

That it'll come back. But it's definitely um it definitely causes a lot of anxiety in children. And oh, now I remember what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_02 31:17

I knew it was not.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I will say this one of the lessons I learned, and I never ever thought that this would um happen being up close specifically to high schoolers, was that I was like, okay, dependent on my child's their personality, their maturity level for my future kids going forward, they will not date until after high school. Yeah, period.

SPEAKER_02 31:38

Period.

SPEAKER_01 31:39

Because seeing, you know, we we want to blame it on gender identity and everything that people are shoving down kids' throats. And it's like, of course that's an issue, of course that's damaging. But simply like what what a loving relationship does to a kid, that confuses them. It's true. What the wrong person does to a young, like the wrong boy for the right girl, like it it's so true. It's also damaging crushes her. Crushes, yeah, and and it can really set her back developmentally two to three years.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Yes, it can.

SPEAKER_01 32:11

And she's stuck in a mindset, she's stuck in a relationship that's really in her head all the way through high school. And it's so it's hard because all of it's damaging, right? Like the relationships, the crushes, all the way to gender identity, all the way to whatever the world is trying to convince these kids, having sex way too early, having sexual relations way too. Like all of it is just this is acceptable for young children today, and this is okay for them to be doing in high school. Drugs, all of it is okay. And that was, I just remember one night I was like, I'm never gonna let my child date until they're until I and my future spouse has really assessed them and been like, you are mature enough to date somebody because all of that, all of it is way too mature for any child to be stepping into. Plus, we are stepping into an age of delayed adolescence. I don't care what you say. I've met 30-year-olds that I'm like, there's no way you're the same type of 30-year-old that was there 20 years ago. So if that's how we're seeing 30-year-olds, imagine what we're seeing in 16 to 18-year-olds. So I know we want to focus on what the world is trying to shove down our throats, but the world is always gonna be trying to shove the most insane ideologies down our throats.

SPEAKER_02 33:29

Always. It's true.

SPEAKER_01 33:30

And so to be honest, I would go as far and extreme to say, don't even let your kid date until they are mature enough. Right. And you and your spouse have said, no, no, no, this we both agree. And the church agrees, and people in her life and her Ohella and her oil agree she's mature enough to date or he's mature enough to date, because all of it is going to be damaging to the kid.

SPEAKER_02 33:51

It is. So and it helps you as a parent get through the hard seasons and you don't even have to worry about it. Because the hardest season is not that your daughter isn't allowed to date, it's when you let her and she gets her heart broken. Uh, there's a lot of sleepless nights there as a parent that can you lose because you're having to fix what if you had just said no, yeah, you wouldn't even be dealing with.

SPEAKER_01 34:12

So we could sorry, and I'm gonna let you close. But it's all it's all damaging in a sense. It's all damaging. And what the enemy can try to do, or what we can try to do mentally, is sort of rationalize okay, it's bad, but I don't want my daughter dating, but at least she's not falling into this trap, right? Right. But it's still she's not mature enough for for a relationship such as that. And then she could fall or he could fall into worser traps. I don't know. That's just how my brain works.

SPEAKER_02 34:40

No, I think, and I think it also sends the message when a if a boy asks a girl out or vice versa, and the the girl has to say, My parents don't let me. I'm not allowed. It there's just a safeguard there.

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:50

We've been told that that's parents who are helicopter parents and way too strong, and you need to let your kids have these experiences. Okay, well, that might have been true in the early 2000s or even the late 90s. That's not true anymore. The experiences that you would lower your standards to let your kids have today are, you said it, way too damaging for any parent to have to handle. So I love this conversation. We need to have more of them.

SPEAKER_01 35:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 35:14

So you'll come back in the booth with us again and do it again.

SPEAKER_01 35:17

I will try.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Good morning. Thank you. And thank you for listening to this conversation. We hope that you go back and binge listen or binge watch some of the other episodes that we are sharing. Have a great day.

SPEAKER_00 35:29

You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to Alessifamily Business.com and tap the Ask the Alesses button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alesssies, because family is everybody's business.