Perils of Permissive Parenting: How to Raise Your Kids on a Solid Foundation | S7 E1

Mary Alessi [00:00:00]:
I did wanna be the cool parent. I did want the kids let's just be honest. I wanted to be the favorite parent. No. You know? Well and I was, so thank God.

Steve Alessi [00:00:09]:
What? You were? What?

Mary Alessi [00:00:12]:
Did I say that out loud?

Steve Alessi [00:00:13]:
Kids told me.

Mary Alessi [00:00:14]:
-Excuse me.

Steve Alessi [00:00:15]:
-Are we talking about the same kids?

Hello, and welcome to a brand new season. It's season 7, episode 1 Yes. Of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alessi. I'm here with my wife, Mary Alessi, and it's been a nice break, but we're ready to go forward with the new season. You're ready.

Mary Alessi [00:00:48]:
We got a lot to say.

Steve Alessi [00:00:49]:
I think we do. And we've got some great subjects We do. That we're gonna be talking about as we line up the family. We've had our meeting. Yeah. We were already planning our conversations that we're gonna be having, and that's what the podcast is about. It's about us sitting down, conversations we'd have in the car, conversations in the back porch of the house, things we don't say on Sunday.

Mary Alessi [00:01:11]:
Mm-mm.

Steve Alessi [00:01:12]:
This is where we get to say them all. And so, I'm glad that we can do this going into our 7th season, Mary.

Mary Alessi [00:01:18]:
Yeah. And we really put even more attention into what our audience enjoyed and wanted to hear more of last year

Steve Alessi [00:01:25]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:01:25]:
Last season. And, so we've drawn from that, and we wanna give them more of that. People have a lot of questions when it comes to raising kids and to, building a home and raising family in this crazy culture that we have as a society right now.

Steve Alessi [00:01:40]:
Well, we say it this way. You know, it's the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business. Now here's the reason we say that. It's your business on a regular basis. You get up in the morning, you're with family, go home at the end of the day, most likely dealing with family. Somewhere in between, it's family. It's it's and it's gotta be run almost like a business. But then again, if you don't take care of your family, then it's going to be fodder, and it's gonna be conversation at other people's table.

Mary Alessi [00:02:06]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:02:07]:
And then now your family is everybody's business. So we wanna make sure we're helping you through that. So today, however, on this very first episode of season 7, big shout out though because everybody's been hanging with us. Here's what we wanna talk about. It's the something happening in our society today that we find doesn't help young people as they grow up and become young adults that are contributing to society.

Mary Alessi [00:02:35]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:02:35]:
And that is this whole thing with regards to permissive parenting.

Mary Alessi [00:02:41]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:02:41]:
So there's dangers of being too permissive

Mary Alessi [00:02:46]:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:02:47]:
When it comes to raising our kids in the

Steve Alessi [00:02:50]:
home. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:02:51]:
And so here's what permissive actually means. It's the habitually accepting or tolerating something as social behavior that others might disapprove of or forbid. So it's things that are wrong that really, if you look over the course of time, things, it's behavior, it's an attitude that has been wrong, but parents won't address it today and instead let their kids think it or say it or operate in it all because maybe a fear. They don't wanna reject their kid. They don't wanna push their kids off. Maybe they don't have the energy for it anymore. But what they don't realize is they're being very permissive. They're letting habits continue that are not helpful for the kid.

Mary Alessi [00:03:42]:
Yeah. We've been talking about this a lot. This has been definitely something I would say probably in the last 5 years, it's ramped up, the permissiveness of our culture. And, you know, it's easy when if you're just raising kids right now to really question if being more permissive is a good thing or not. Yeah. You know? For you and I and I hear our kids say this all the time, old school versus new

Steve Alessi [00:04:06]:
school.

Mary Alessi [00:04:06]:
Right? And we sit on the back porch and we talk about it, and we we see how many young parents today wanna try it a different way. You know, they want to get away from the authoritative way parents maybe raise them and, you know, so strong, so strict. My parents were so strict. And we talk about that because the results are the results.

Steve Alessi [00:04:28]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:04:29]:
And you have to stop and say, wait a minute. How does permissiveness work in a society if it's overused and it's kind of what drives a society? How does that show up in the everyday lives of people? And, we're finding already, didn't take that long, that to just be wired for permissive permissiveness, is really more apathetic than it is caring. And that's something that, you know, when we talk about it, not everybody would embrace that. I think there's still we've got people that we know that would say, no. You know, you should let your kids find their way, and don't be so pushy, and, you know, let them fly and be free, and don't put too many boundaries in their way, and don't be so harsh and so strict. They're you're just telling them to to do what you do. You're a helicopter parent, or you're hovering, or you're you're forcing them to to follow, you know, to step in line with what you're telling them to do. Well, you know, if you want to be the cool parent

Steve Alessi [00:05:30]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:05:31]:
Cool. But you're not going to be the cool parent for long.

Steve Alessi [00:05:33]:
No. No.

Mary Alessi [00:05:34]:
And and that's something that in raising all 4 of our kids listen, we struggled with that.

Steve Alessi [00:05:39]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:05:40]:
We did. I was, by nature, more permissive, and it caused conflict

Steve Alessi [00:05:45]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:05:46]:
In you and me. Right. And I I go back now that I'm older and wiser and we've raised these kids, I realize a lot of that was nothing but fear.

Steve Alessi [00:05:53]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:05:54]:
I did wanna be the cool parent. I did want the kids let's just be honest. I wanted to be the favorite parent. No. You know? Well and I was, so thank God.

Steve Alessi [00:06:04]:
What? You were? What?

Mary Alessi [00:06:06]:
Did I say that out loud?

Steve Alessi [00:06:07]:
Kids sold me.

Mary Alessi [00:06:08]:
Excuse me.

Steve Alessi [00:06:09]:
Are are we talking about the same kids?

Steve Alessi [00:06:11]:
Mm-mm.

Steve Alessi [00:06:12]:
Well, I will tell you.

Mary Alessi [00:06:13]:
Ask them. They'll vote.

Steve Alessi [00:06:14]:
I don't think you wanted to be the popular mom or parent. No. I I think, ultimately, what you didn't like was conflict.

Mary Alessi [00:06:21]:
That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:06:22]:
You never liked conflict. Hate it. Matter of fact, your family, we when we would go at it, you and I, young, you you had a tendency and you admitted it. No. We just sweep things under the rug. Sure. And that was easy for you, whereas mine was very, no, let's confront everything. And everybody on the in the neighborhood knew what we were dealing with because we would confront so loud or care front so loud one another.

Steve Alessi [00:06:46]:
But you you really were more of, I don't want the conflict. And some pair parents

Mary Alessi [00:06:51]:
Sure.

Steve Alessi [00:06:52]:
They have that. They Absolutely. They don't want the conflict. They don't wanna put their kids out. They they have good hearts. Their intentions are right. They want things to be nice and pristine. It's like our new studio.

Steve Alessi [00:07:03]:
We set up

Mary Alessi [00:07:04]:
mentioned it good. Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:07:05]:
Our new studio here.

Mary Alessi [00:07:06]:
We did. It's beautiful.

Steve Alessi [00:07:07]:
For season 7. And, if you don't watch us but listen to us, you may wanna pop over to YouTube and the other channels to be able to watch it because just the whole layout looks good. We've got some new couches that we've popped in here and some bookcase in the back, always showing our merch and and the books that we have and the coffee mugs and the shirts and all of that. And all of that is great because we want things to look nice. We want things to be set up in order. Well, parents want their homes. They want their families to look good and be good and everything to be peaceful. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:38]:
But we have found if you go into parenting and raising kids, trying to avoid conflict, what you're doing is you're just avoiding the inevitable. Sooner or later, that conflict is going to be worse off than if you dealt with it on the front end. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:53]:
It's

Steve Alessi [00:07:53]:
true. You know, You're gonna have to pay the price. It's a painful price to raise kids. It's not easy. Nobody ever said it would be easy. But one thing you just cannot find yourself doing is letting the child in the home make decisions that the parent knows best about.

Mary Alessi [00:08:13]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:08:14]:
And when a parent kinda goes past what they know is best, all because they wanna avoid conflict, it's then that they move into permissive parenting. You mentioned before, there's authoritative parenting. Right. I'm more of that Yeah. Perspective. I come at things from more, I'm the boss. I'm dad. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:08:38]:
I do know pretty much what's right. And I have a mindset of, like, coaching. So let me coach this team Yeah. And we're gonna win. That could be perceived by some people as being too harsh today

Steve Alessi [00:08:53]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:08:53]:
Or, you know, they think authoritarian is being abusive. Well, come on, man. Put on your right thinking habit.

Mary Alessi [00:08:59]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:08:59]:
It's not being abusive when you're just authoritarian. Abusive is totally different. You wanna smack somebody around, you wanna use your words to hurt, that's different. Now you're being abusive. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm being talking about being firm. Authoritarian means that I know the author of this thing. I know it works.

Steve Alessi [00:09:18]:
I know it's right. I've seen it. I've studied it. I've witnessed this witnessed it. I've experienced it, and here's what we're going to do. Yep. Now here's the thing. There used to be a day when a parent would say to a child, listen, as long as you live in my house

Mary Alessi [00:09:36]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:09:37]:
Here's the rules.

Mary Alessi [00:09:37]:
That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:09:39]:
Okay? That used to be a day. And then when a kid, if they didn't like it, he'd say, alright, when you get 18, you finish school, you wanna move out, get a job, do your deal. Right? And kids, some of them took parents up on that only to realize, oh, shocks. That was a mistake.

Mary Alessi [00:09:55]:
I

Steve Alessi [00:09:55]:
sent my kids a meme the other day. It was about growing up and thinking your parents know nothing until all of a sudden you get a little bit old and you realize, wait a minute, My dad knew a little bit. Then you get a little bit older than that, and you realize, mom knew a lot more than she said. And then you realize when you get older, my god, my parents were right.

Mary Alessi [00:10:13]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:10:14]:
So that's the authoritarian. The permissive, though, is the person that sits back. And for whatever reason, Mary, they're just saying, I don't wanna rock the boat.

Mary Alessi [00:10:25]:
Yeah. Oh, I think too it's

Steve Alessi [00:10:26]:
kids do.

Mary Alessi [00:10:27]:
I think I think conflict is a part of that, and and I wonder well, I don't wonder. I've I think it's true that when divorce has been what when divorce has impacted your life Mhmm. Then it is easier for you as a parent to slip into permissivity, and you just don't wanna bring your kids pain. And if you've experienced pain, let's say you're the product of divorce and then you have kids of your own, there's a lot of, not confusion, but insecurity there because you haven't had it modeled well to you what a long term loyal, loving relationship your parents got divorced. My parents got divorced when I turned 18

Steve Alessi [00:11:15]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:11:16]:
And I was engaged to you. And at 18, I was engaged well, 19. You would think, oh, my parents' divorce would have zero impact. No. It did because I'm getting ready to embark Yeah. On marriage. Yeah. And here my parents are, 25 years of marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:11:31]:
Yeah. Everything I knew about them and what I believed about marriage was just obliterated in one conversation. It's over. My dad's leaving. My parents are divorced. Divorce. What does that even look like? What is that gonna feel like? What the betrayal that we felt as daughters? Just how could you? So I could relate from that perspective of never wanting my kids to feel that. Never.

Mary Alessi [00:11:55]:
So, psychologically, I think that peppers through all conflict. I don't want my kids to feel conflict from me. I don't want conflict with my kids because I'm chasing my own pain, processing my own pain that I might not quite know how to understand and process. But I am grateful looking back

Steve Alessi [00:12:15]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:15]:
That I knew the fruit I wanted, and my mom and dad were great parents.

Steve Alessi [00:12:19]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:20]:
They were very strong, very strong parents. They didn't, their marriage wasn't great. But as far as parenting, that was great.

Steve Alessi [00:12:27]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:28]:
And thank God when it came to parenting, I had a lot of resourcing because of that experience. The marriage part, you know, we Yeah. We worked it out. But

Steve Alessi [00:12:40]:
Yeah. But, you know, with your mom and dad, again, we've said this before, and I think it bears repeating. You know, your parents went through a real tough season that your dad just couldn't heal from. That was something outside of their marriage. And your dad, he just couldn't recover, and he wouldn't run to your mom. And instead, he ran away to other things

Mary Alessi [00:13:05]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:13:05]:
That medicated his pain, and that's what cut him off from what was a married relationship, and it just kinda got jacked up. But you'd still felt the effects of it.

Mary Alessi [00:13:17]:
I felt the effects from it.

Steve Alessi [00:13:18]:
And that was painful.

Mary Alessi [00:13:19]:
And I didn't want my kids to feel I mean, I think that's the point. I was struggling with

Steve Alessi [00:13:24]:
that.

Steve Alessi [00:13:24]:
The other thing I I have heard from people is, yeah, pain, previous pain would cause a parent to be more permissible, but also just the demands of work and career.

Mary Alessi [00:13:36]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:13:38]:
I know that some men feel and women that now are in the workplace more and more, feel an incredible amount of guilt when they get home after not being with their kid all day.

Mary Alessi [00:13:49]:
Very good point.

Steve Alessi [00:13:50]:
Right?

Steve Alessi [00:13:50]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:13:51]:
And you and I are very fortunate to work together, pretty much together 247. Got to a place where I can hardly be without you, so that's ridiculous.

Mary Alessi [00:14:00]:
Obsessed with me and don't know what's going on.

Steve Alessi [00:14:02]:
Such a co dependent. I need help. But, that wasn't always the case. No. We grew into that. That was crazy. But parents that don't have that privilege, they work long hours, some of them being taken out of town because of their career, and they come home and either because of guilt or just sheer exhaustion

Mary Alessi [00:14:28]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:14:28]:
They don't wanna have to deal with the craziness that is their kid that spouts off things, says things, does things, hangs out in certain environments. They don't wanna correct any of

Mary Alessi [00:14:43]:
that. Right.

Steve Alessi [00:14:44]:
Because all their energies has been handled at the office.

Mary Alessi [00:14:47]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:14:48]:
And they really don't have the energy when they get home to now Yeah. Have to address a certain, you know, mindset. They don't have that. So it makes it very difficult. And then what they don't realize though is that that's just kicking this can down the road. Sooner or later, they're gonna have to deal with the mindset. Because as we said, you know, when you're talking about this permissive parenting, it's actually talking about tolerating a behavior.

Mary Alessi [00:15:17]:
-Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:15:17]:
-That you know is wrong.

Mary Alessi [00:15:18]:
-That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:15:19]:
-But you let it go on in your kids. And that word tolerant is huge in our society today.

Mary Alessi [00:15:25]:
-Yeah, it is.

Steve Alessi [00:15:26]:
Everybody says you gotta be tolerant of people's choices in society, that that whole deal. You gotta let be tolerant of others' behavior. You gotta just give them a pass. You know, mental health is an issue, and you just gotta be tolerant. We applied for a grant recently with the with, Google. And one of the things they wanted to make sure in that grant

Mary Alessi [00:15:52]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:15:53]:
Was that we were a tolerant business

Mary Alessi [00:15:55]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:15:56]:
With our business and practices

Steve Alessi [00:15:57]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:15:58]:
With employees, and we couldn't qualify. We didn't sign up for it. We said, nope. Sorry. We have our standards

Mary Alessi [00:16:05]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:16:05]:
That we abide by. So we're there's certain things that's age appropriate in kids, but there's other behaviors that need a parent to parent.

Mary Alessi [00:16:15]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:16:16]:
And if not, then you're just permissive, being permissible. And and if we can, let's try to tackle that for a minute. Because as I look at it, I'm from a writer in the Wall Street Journal. He calls, what we're dealing with today an opinion based theology that most people have, That there is no absolutes, there is no right and wrong, it your philosophies, your your practice, your your standards in life that you abide by are pretty much just a been opinion based.

Mary Alessi [00:16:52]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:16:53]:
It's your opinion.

Mary Alessi [00:16:54]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:16:54]:
So your truth works for you. My truth works for me, which means there is no absolute truth. It's all based on opinion. And he says that right there comes down to this. He says, boys may be girls and girls may be boys according to impulse or whim. According to impulse or whim, you can decide whether you as a boy, you could be a girl or a girl, you can be a boy. Right. Then he goes on to say, criminals are just victims.

Mary Alessi [00:17:26]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:17:28]:
Civilization, because of their rules, is just barbaric. Then he says the ambition of the progressive left has been to dismantle the previous America as being racist, oppressive, sexist, and excessively white. The 21st century is an unusually dislocated time. It's out of joint.

Mary Alessi [00:17:54]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:17:54]:
All because of this, what he calls opinion based theology.

Mary Alessi [00:18:03]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:04]:
Now it does away with all truths. Now here's where the permissive issue comes in. If a parent sees their kid picking up on this kind of opinion based theology about life, the parent has to step in and teach them truth.

Mary Alessi [00:18:18]:
Yes. I I think more now than ever. Yeah. I think it's urgent now that you have to sit down and have conversations with your children. If they're out there in the real world I mean, we did, and the world wasn't like it is now. It has rapidly gotten crazier in a decade.

Steve Alessi [00:18:35]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:18:36]:
But I

Mary Alessi [00:18:36]:
think it matters more now than it ever has before that parents say, alright. I want this fruit, then I better be very careful to select the right seed. And we can't just willy nilly our way through this thing with parents, as parents. We really do have to be intentional about sitting down with our children and telling them there is absolute truth, and that's where you're going to feel the safest is knowing this is right and this is wrong. You know, it's funny as you're reading that, I'm thinking to myself, well, if a kid on what were the words you used? Something about a whim, you said in that article, you said, read it again.

Steve Alessi [00:19:21]:
Boys may be boys. Girls girls may be boys according to impulse or whim.

Mary Alessi [00:19:27]:
So why can't they then choose not to go to school? Yeah. If they wake up and there's an impulse, I don't wanna go.

Steve Alessi [00:19:33]:
A lot of them aren't.

Mary Alessi [00:19:35]:
I'm but I'm saying

Steve Alessi [00:19:36]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:19:36]:
This that's the part about

Steve Alessi [00:19:38]:
Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:19:38]:
You critically think. Think critically when it comes to this. Don't let the culture that they're just sowing seeds to the wind thinking they're going to get good fruit, they're not.

Steve Alessi [00:19:49]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:19:49]:
You can say that unapologetically.

Steve Alessi [00:19:51]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:19:51]:
Unequivocally. I don't even know what that word means, but I know it means there ain't no way that you can say to a a little boy, you feel like being a girl today? Oh my goodness. Maybe you are. Or a little boy. You you the opposite. Okay? I don't wanna get confused. But it creates so much confusion in a kid when they don't know right and wrong, and the world is moving the goalpost. The society today is removing all the boundary lines.

Mary Alessi [00:20:22]:
And more than ever, parents have to say, Okay, that's good for the world, but my family, our little chicks, we are going to be raised up with this mindset, with this thought. And what's funny to me, okay, is this generation that thinks our generation was old school

Steve Alessi [00:20:37]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:20:38]:
And was authoritative and strict. Watch. Watch. They're going to have to be even more strict than our parents were and we were. Okay? And I'm gonna sit back and laugh just a little bit. Because -Mhmm. -Because you you realize as your kids start to go, get older and develop and they start going from why to I don't think so mom and dad, and they start disagreeing with you based on the friendship circles they're in and what they're picking up on TikTok and they're you know, Gabby said something to me last night. We were driving home talking.

Mary Alessi [00:21:12]:
She goes, you know, mom, you and dad, when you say, oh, kids see things on social media. It's bad today. She goes, you know, you really have no idea. I got goosebumps when she was telling me. She goes, you you really don't understand how bad it is, what these kids see. She goes, you think you know, but, mom, it's so disgusting what little kids can see with their parents' phone in their hands Yeah. That their parents would never know they saw, and they can't unsee. And she said, I wouldn't even say it out loud.

Mary Alessi [00:21:49]:
It's that disgusting. And I'm thinking, well, how I mean, I've been around a whole lot longer than you. You would think I would have already heard about it, but what it shows you is every time your 5 or 6 year old is sitting next to you and they're they're complaining and you hand them your phone, you've just opened Pandora's box to permit them to have access to something because you're tired

Steve Alessi [00:22:12]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:22:12]:
Or you're frustrated. And the problem with that is the world is has changed. It's not like it was when we were growing up where you you had to have money to see something dirty. Just be honest.

Steve Alessi [00:22:26]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:22:27]:
You have somebody to drive you down to the 7:11 to see it.

Steve Alessi [00:22:29]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:22:29]:
It's different now. It's all access. It's right here.

Steve Alessi [00:22:32]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:22:33]:
Even Gianna, our little granddaughter, I have to be careful. And I've got controls. I don't see stuff on my phone, but it listen. Even still, we can't be so quick to default to be permissive grandparents.

Steve Alessi [00:22:46]:
No. No. I said shoot the other day. Everybody else thought I said something else. But after I said, oh, shoot, Gianna says shoot.

Mary Alessi [00:22:55]:
She yeah. And she was close to not saying that.

Steve Alessi [00:22:57]:
She was close to saying the other one. They're like, dad, what did you say? I said, I said shoot. No. Dad, that's not what you said.

Steve Alessi [00:23:02]:
No. I said shoot. Gianna, what did I say? No.

Mary Alessi [00:23:05]:
No. But but see

Steve Alessi [00:23:06]:
Here's what young people are dealing with today, though. And this is why we need the voice of reason. Yes. Every parent has to correct this stuff. Says this. This is, an article, August 16th. Major medical group expresses skepticism about sex chain surgeries for kids. They're coming out and they're saying all of the stuff that we believe the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, an organization representing 92% of all board certified plastic surgeons in the US becomes the 1st medical major medical association to break from the consensus over gender affirming care for minor minors.

Steve Alessi [00:23:54]:
The term gender affirming care is a euphemism used to describe irreversible Yes. Puberty blockers, cross sex hormones, and elective surgical body disfigurement such as castration for boys and double mastectomy and whoop. Something else for girls that exempt exempt exhibit confusion about their sex. The American associate of plastic surgeons are coming coming out saying, wait a minute. It's not gonna work. We don't think this is healthy. They're finally coming out saying, we don't think this is healthy, but a parent will sit there without doing their research. And when their child comes up to them and says, I feel like I'm uncomfortable.

Mary Alessi [00:24:39]:
Or or wait. Wait. Wait. They they might not even say that. They might say, I have a friend at school who says

Steve Alessi [00:24:45]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:24:46]:
And you've gotta combat that.

Steve Alessi [00:24:47]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:24:48]:
You know, my friend says he's a cat. My friend says he's a a girl, and he's got 2 dads, and he you've gotta know how to handle that at home. You've gotta have those conversations with your 5 year old.

Steve Alessi [00:25:00]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:25:00]:
You can't sweep it under the rug. And it's not easy. It's not easy, but that's the point we're trying to make. This is the world we live in right now.

Steve Alessi [00:25:09]:
That I heard the story, oh my gosh, about a kid that was at school and was really unhappy at school, and kept getting in trouble by the teacher. And so the parent says to the kid, well, why are you, why are you getting in trouble? And she kept saying, well, because I I got mad at so and so. And she said, well, why are you getting mad? It's because she says she's a cat. Says, what do you mean she's a cat? Yeah. She says she's a cat. So the parent looks at the kid and finally says whereas the permissible parent would be thinking, oh, go pet it.

Mary Alessi [00:25:41]:
Yeah. Don't don't offend her. Don't hurt her feelings.

Steve Alessi [00:25:44]:
Don't bother her. The teacher in the classroom was actually it's a true story. It was actually giving the student a little bowl of milk. That's That's insanity. So finally, the parent looked at the kid and said, well, next time she bothers you, you turn around, and you just scratch her. You just go at her. And when the parent the teacher comes up and gets on to you, you tell the teacher, well, I'm sorry, I'm a

Steve Alessi [00:26:11]:
rottweiler. And then when the

Steve Alessi [00:26:13]:
parent calls me in to complain, I'm gonna ask the teacher. I mean, when the teacher calls me in to complain and wanna have a parent conference, I'm gonna ask the teacher, well, teacher, why would you put a rottweiler or a cat in the same classroom? Of course, it was a comedian. Of course. Imagine a parent sitting back and allowing a kid to actually think.

Mary Alessi [00:26:34]:
The fact that we even entertain it is insanity.

Steve Alessi [00:26:37]:
But do do castration, Mary?

Mary Alessi [00:26:39]:
I know, Steve.

Steve Alessi [00:26:40]:
Puberty blockers?

Mary Alessi [00:26:42]:
Very, very horrible.

Steve Alessi [00:26:42]:
This is really gonna pan out and play out well

Mary Alessi [00:26:45]:
in the future. No. No. No. You don't even give a kid's brain a chance to develop, to find out who they are Yeah. And what they want Yeah. Out of life. You know, I I can tell you that if if we were those types of parents, Stephanie, when she was coming up because Chris was 4 years older and he had all these friends and he played sports and he was very he was into into being outside all the time and playing ball, she the only way she knew to relate to her brother was do what he does.

Mary Alessi [00:27:15]:
And, you know, the the days of just being a tomboy for a little bit aren't even the case anymore.

Steve Alessi [00:27:20]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:27:20]:
If your daughter exudes anything at all masculine because she's got an older brother.

Steve Alessi [00:27:25]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:27:26]:
Oh, she's struggling with her gender identity. No. She's not. No. She doesn't she hasn't even fully come into the knowledge of her gender. No. It's just her wanting to relate to her brother. Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:27:37]:
But there are sadly, there are a lot of parents out there

Steve Alessi [00:27:41]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:27:41]:
That are terrified that somehow because that organization, that movement tells parents, do you want a an alive opposite sex of what you have or a dead child?

Steve Alessi [00:27:53]:
That's so bad.

Mary Alessi [00:27:54]:
And it's that's evil.

Steve Alessi [00:27:55]:
Mm-mm.

Mary Alessi [00:27:56]:
That's just pure evil.

Steve Alessi [00:27:57]:
No. Parents can't act in a very permissible way when it comes to these kind of, beliefs and boundaries.

Mary Alessi [00:28:04]:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:28:05]:
Because what you do set up with a child when there are boundaries or standards in place are boundaries.

Mary Alessi [00:28:10]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:28:11]:
And every kid needs boundaries.

Mary Alessi [00:28:13]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:28:13]:
When we had Christopher, our first born, I was very strong with Christopher. I wanted to make sure he would be a respectful young man. I wanted to make sure he was obedient. So I was very strong, authoritative, because I knew what needed to be done with him. Well, then Stephanie, as you said, comes on the scene, and Stephanie was just kinda wild. She would get up on the side of a couch and jump off and not think about what's gonna happen when she hits the floor. She just thought she can do anything. She was a wild child.

Steve Alessi [00:28:42]:
So I had to be authoritative with her as well for her own protection and safety. Yeah. Well, the other 2 comes on the scene, and they see how we treated the older ones. And as a result of that, they immediately fell in line.

Mary Alessi [00:28:56]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:28:57]:
And so the older ones then would say to us all the time, you treat the little ones with, like, you know, you baby them.

Mary Alessi [00:29:03]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:29:04]:
You're so nice to them.

Steve Alessi [00:29:05]:
They get

Mary Alessi [00:29:05]:
I was so nice. We never did.

Steve Alessi [00:29:07]:
They never did anything wrong.

Mary Alessi [00:29:09]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:09]:
Because they learned from the old ones. That's the power of boundaries. When you put them in place, it helps young people as they're growing up, to know what's healthy, what's unhealthy, where they can get themselves in trouble, where they can stay safe. That's so super important. And if a parent does not take on that responsibility, but instead lets the kid call the shots, that's when all of a sudden you find kids, they won't respect authority.

Mary Alessi [00:29:39]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:40]:
I don't think they can even find, security and their destiny and their calling, their purpose in life. They they won't know who, what God looks like and what what a relationship with him would be like. They're buying into all of these other things. I mean, there's a list of these things, a slew of these things I can just share with you. Matter of fact, my my pastor brain goes into, you know, engaged here, because I can list a list of things for you on why it's so destructive to parent permissively

Mary Alessi [00:30:13]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:30:13]:
And why and how you could then be a parent that leads with the right kind of standards. Just just dial into the the program notes. We'll be able to get you that kind of information as I think it'll be really helpful for you. But here's the point. There is a danger

Mary Alessi [00:30:31]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:30:32]:
To being a permissible kind of parent.

Mary Alessi [00:30:34]:
I think there's a danger in in what's the word? In dancing around, a permissive mindset.

Steve Alessi [00:30:43]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:30:44]:
Period. Because what parents fall into, there's a trap we all fall into. It's one thing to kind of entertain a certain logic and thought process, and then you've got to answer to kids about what you believe or you don't believe. So you can't be incongruent. You have to live what you believe. You have to do what you say. So if you were in college and you were more permissive and you were more tolerant and you had one way of thinking about maybe gay marriage or, you know, fluid fluidity amongst the gender lines or whatever. Whatever that might be that would cause you to be either, more permissible about the the society in and of itself that there aren't any really absolutes and who are we to tell people

Steve Alessi [00:31:31]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:31]:
You know, if you you should get an abortion if you want it and who are we to tell people what to do with their bodies. All of that, even financial, and then all of a sudden, you know, you think that finances should look one way, the government should do one thing, and then you get your first you get your first paycheck and you gotta pay and then all of a sudden you it changes

Steve Alessi [00:31:49]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:49]:
What you believe. Right? So it's the same thing when you have children, what you flirted with

Steve Alessi [00:31:55]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:31:56]:
And thought you believed and entertained as a younger person, now you have kids to answer for.

Steve Alessi [00:32:01]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:32:01]:
You have human beings you have to shape.

Steve Alessi [00:32:04]:
Listen. I would love to permit you to keep talking. So I need you to do something because we gotta close this show. I'm gonna permit you. Wow. I can't believe that. Give me this quick example, the the analogy of an open marriage, how that doesn't work relationally, and then then I'll bring

Mary Alessi [00:32:23]:
this together. An extreme Yes. But this is an extreme analogy, and I don't

Steve Alessi [00:32:26]:
want anybody on it.

Mary Alessi [00:32:27]:
I can't believe she said that.

Steve Alessi [00:32:28]:
Ellen and I were blown away when you shared it. But so good.

Mary Alessi [00:32:31]:
It's extreme. But, you know, when when we talk about permissivity and you're concerned about where those lines are, in a marriage, anything that you would want to allow that would erode it the quickest would be an open marriage. If you had an open marriage where there were no lines, there were there was no discipline, there was no expectation of the husband or the wife Yeah. There's no rules

Steve Alessi [00:32:55]:
None.

Mary Alessi [00:32:55]:
Then you're going to completely obliterate that relationship in about 24 hours. It wouldn't take much at all.

Steve Alessi [00:33:01]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:33:01]:
You wouldn't have an open marriage. Why would we have a boundaryless family?

Steve Alessi [00:33:06]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:33:06]:
Why would we have an open family that we just adopt all these ideologies and we don't know what you're gonna create is very insecure children. And they need to know what's right, what's wrong, where the lines are, what the absolutes are, and they need you as a parent to tell them.

Steve Alessi [00:33:23]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:33:23]:
They need to be able to look to their parents for what what the rights are and what the wrongs are.

Steve Alessi [00:33:29]:
Oh, very good.

Mary Alessi [00:33:30]:
So important. Well Especially in these days.

Steve Alessi [00:33:31]:
If you enjoyed this episode of the family business with the Alessis, then you would have really enjoyed

Mary Alessi [00:33:40]:
season 5 Season 5. Episode 15 We did it.

Steve Alessi [00:33:45]:
On a series. What was it called? Gentle Parenting?

Mary Alessi [00:33:47]:
Gentle Parenting. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:33:49]:
That was great.

Mary Alessi [00:33:49]:
That one got a lot of feedback. Go listen to it.

Steve Alessi [00:33:51]:
If you enjoyed this one, you'll enjoy that one. Thanks for joining us today. I had a great time on our number one episode of season number 7. Hope you were encouraged and at least challenged

Steve Alessi [00:34:04]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:34:04]:
To not be so permissible when it comes to parenting.

Chris Alessi [00:34:08]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them, and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com, and tap the ask the Alesses button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi [00:34:49]:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.