Honest Responses to Your Toughest Family Questions | Ask The Alessis Q&A S7 E2

Steve Alessi [00:00:00]:
How can I stir up? I like this one. The fire in my marriage after so many years of being married

Mary Alessi [00:00:06]:
Oh my.

Steve Alessi [00:00:06]:
That's a whole podcast. A mom and working. That's a whole podcast. Hello, and welcome to another exciting episode of the family business with the Alessis. I'm Steve Alessi in the podcast room with Mary Alessi, and we're gonna have a pop in guest in just a second. Great start of our season number 7, Mary. We're gonna be talking about a ton of things this season. We've been recording, been processing, putting our brains together, and, trying to figure out what will be our episodes that we're gonna be talking about.

Steve Alessi [00:00:53]:
We're gonna find some things happening this season that we haven't done before. Some are gonna be just about business. I like this. It's gonna be about business. It's gonna be about helping our kids with money. It's going to be about some real heavy things as well. Right. Lauren's gonna be talking about some mental health challenges, eating disorders.

Mary Alessi [00:01:12]:
Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:01:13]:
She's got some great guests that she's lined up. You had a guest Yeah. That's gonna be tough on really

Mary Alessi [00:01:19]:
Sex trafficking.

Steve Alessi [00:01:20]:
Sex trafficking. It's gonna be, how do we protect our kids, you know, online, out out in the open.

Mary Alessi [00:01:25]:
From predators on our phones.

Steve Alessi [00:01:27]:
Yep. So there's some great stuff already. And what I have today, though, we're gonna look at and I'm not even sure we're gonna get through all of these, but we put it out there to our viewers and listeners. So what is it? The I love the way this was framed. What family issue is keeping you up at night? And we've got about 6 of them. And one has to do with being the son to a great father. How does one maintain honor while also seeking their independence? Here's another one. If you had to give one piece of advice on raising a daughter, what would it be?

Mary Alessi [00:02:00]:
Oh, boy.

Steve Alessi [00:02:01]:
How about making sure I'm balancing being a husband, father, and father while also building a business? Man, that's a hot conversation issue there. My role as a new grandmother and a Christian and what I'm learning in every moment, we wanna hit that today.

Mary Alessi [00:02:18]:
That's really good.

Steve Alessi [00:02:18]:
How

Steve Alessi [00:02:18]:
can I stir up? I like this one. The fire in my marriage after so many years of being married.

Mary Alessi [00:02:24]:
Oh my.

Steve Alessi [00:02:25]:
That's a whole podcast. A mom and working. That's a whole podcast. Yep. And then a tough one, how parents are dealing with young adult children that are in same sex relationships. Yeah. So we're gonna try to hit all of these today. Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:02:40]:
And then as you mentioned, going on with time, we'll probably delve into each one of these, deeper and a podcast, throughout season number 7 here. But I like this first question. So we're gonna get help in answering this.

Mary Alessi [00:02:56]:
Alright.

Steve Alessi [00:02:57]:
And this comes from I'm not even sure who wrote it, but here's somebody they say as a son to a great father, how does one maintain honor while seeking independence? Come on. Bring Chris

Mary Alessi [00:03:09]:
over here move over

Steve Alessi [00:03:10]:
here.

Mary Alessi [00:03:10]:
Today Did you did you write this

Steve Alessi [00:03:12]:
question, son? He thinks he's the audio guy. Is he

Chris Alessi [00:03:15]:
loving it? From the back. Just wanna make sure.

Steve Alessi [00:03:17]:
Pushing, changing things around. Yes. Alright.

Chris Alessi [00:03:20]:
I have to answer my son's question. Alright.

Steve Alessi [00:03:25]:
Now just so you know, I could answer this. Go ahead. Because I too was a son. Yes. You were. To a father-in-law. Hear it. And I did seek independence.

Steve Alessi [00:03:33]:
And I so but that's not the independence that we want you to talk about today. No. In all in all fairness, it's a great question. Yeah. Because people look at you. You got gifts, talents, abilities. You're strong, starting your family. So this question, you know, as a son that has a real good father, strong father, in this case, they say great father, how do you maintain thank you.

Steve Alessi [00:04:00]:
How do you maintain honor while also seeking independence of your own?

Chris Alessi [00:04:06]:
Well, I actually kinda cheated, and I saw that they asked this question. And so I kinda put an answer together in my notes at the time when I

Steve Alessi [00:04:13]:
saw it. And you posted on your,

Chris Alessi [00:04:15]:
Instagram Yeah. And I thought they reposted. They didn't. I don't think Alan liked the I don't think he liked the the answer. But, you know, I I do think it it comes down to how do you define it because I actually don't think these two things are at odds. And I don't think that maintaining honor but being independent, conflict with each other. In fact, I think if you really look at what they are to honor a dad and to be independent, sometimes being an independent son is one can be one of the ways you honor dad the most. And I think when you think about it, I don't think any dad, especially when his son is an adult, wants a dependent son.

Mary Alessi [00:04:53]:
Right.

Chris Alessi [00:04:54]:
Wants a son that can't take what the father has built and continue it, whether that be a business, a family, or family traits. Traits of the father that, you know, continue into the family that the son can continue. So I don't think they're at odds, but I do think at the heart of it, you have to ask, why why am I seeking independence here? And I think just because of my context, I kinda heard the question from the sense of, like, I wanna be seen. I wanna make my own decisions. I don't wanna feel like I whenever people look at me, they see me as the result of of just one. And for some reason, I got the image of God being the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and one of those 2 being overly obsessed with no. I want God to be the God of Isaac. And it's like, man, if the goal in the independence is to continue that who is honorable, the father, to say, look.

Chris Alessi [00:05:53]:
God was the God of Abraham, and he's the God of Isaac too. If that's the goal of the independence, to continue what dad has done, then I think it's the most honoring thing possible. But if that's a little too kind of theoretical and philosophical, if you're a son and you're dealing with this kind of burden, I would say engage it.

Steve Alessi [00:06:15]:
Mhmm.

Chris Alessi [00:06:15]:
Go talk to dad. Go have a conversation. Believe the spirit will lead the conversation and will lead the aftermath. Because I actually think you want certain independence from me. And the areas where I think, oh, if I was to step into this situation or this decision, he's gonna think I'm overstepping. Mhmm. When in reality, every time I don't do that, you're like, why did if you knew what to do, why didn't you do

Steve Alessi [00:06:41]:
it? Right.

Chris Alessi [00:06:42]:
So I think constant communication with dad, a heart that doesn't want to honor, but a heart that actually honors.

Steve Alessi [00:06:49]:
Mhmm.

Chris Alessi [00:06:50]:
Whenever we get caught up in, man, I I just want you to feel respected. Well, then respect him.

Steve Alessi [00:06:56]:
Mhmm.

Chris Alessi [00:06:56]:
Well, I wanna honor him. Well, then honor him. Right. But then discuss how I can take steps into finding out my own stuff because a great father would want their son to be independent.

Steve Alessi [00:07:07]:
Yeah. And that should be the goal of every father. Yeah. Here's here's a principle that I I remember needing when I served my dad. You have to serve another man's vision before the almighty gives you your own vision. Meaning, I gotta make sure I'm being a good steward of the vision that I walked into. So in this sense, this relationship here, I have this vision for this church. You've come on the scene.

Steve Alessi [00:07:37]:
Actually, 13 years ago, you started working for us. Right? But we were already 15 years into this church's existence. So it's my vision that you stepped into. Now you are faithful and dedicated to serving this vision of the the leader of this house, which just happens to be your father. And you would do that in any other house. That'd be 4th of it at a rose. Right? So as you serve this vision, then eventually, we see God giving you your own vision that you will eventually walk into. Now when it comes to a family business like this, you have, a vision that's that's been set for 27 years.

Steve Alessi [00:08:19]:
You've been a part of setting this vision, then as your father backs out one day, you will naturally just elevate into the vision that you helped set, tweak, even enhance as it goes on because now your generation is gonna need a certain vision from you that's different than the vision that God's given me for this generation. Yeah. So if as you serve this vision of your father, it's then the principle will then be God will give you your own. So when I was working for my dad, I always knew my greatest strength in the future will be to make sure he is set up in his season. And for dad, all he had to worry about was preaching on Sundays and making sure the finances of the church were taken care of. I was taking care of pretty much all the other programs that were in the church, working with the front office and making sure the programs were taken care of and the people, the leadership, and so on and so forth so that dad would never have to worry about that. Then, little did I know, that would be what ultimately allows me to have my vision all these years later because that's where I'm strong in the admin part, at least on the front end of doing ministry. So there was a certain order that was needed to help take the vision we started it that was with what was small to then make it where it's at today all because of some of those things that I learned while I was serving under my dad.

Steve Alessi [00:09:53]:
And I can just see mom and I can just see that very same thing happening with you and every young man that's saying, alright. I'm serving, honoring the father that's in my life. And with time, I'm finding security. I feel good about myself. I'm I'm honing in on some of my strengths and starting to experience those strengths that give me a level of success in my life. So hopefully, that could answer

Chris Alessi [00:10:25]:
this particular about that.

Steve Alessi [00:10:26]:
Alright. So that's gonna be a podcast. I guess so. We'll figure out how to do that. Thanks for popping in and joining us.

Chris Alessi [00:10:32]:
Me popping in.

Steve Alessi [00:10:33]:
Pause on the way out.

Chris Alessi [00:10:34]:
Am I allowed to leave? I'm just kidding. Independence. Please go

Steve Alessi [00:10:37]:
to the Independence. There he goes. He's making room for his mom now. I feel like I

Mary Alessi [00:10:42]:
should have just kept that one going. We will.

Steve Alessi [00:10:44]:
We'll come back. That's a good one. AP. Right? That's a good one. Alright. Now we gotta get you into this, Mary, because somebody has had this question, and actually, I guess it's keeping them up at night. So, evidently, they're worried about being the best mom they could be to raising their daughter. So what's one piece of advice on raising a daughter? What would that be? I mean, you're probably gonna have a few pieces.

Mary Alessi [00:11:08]:
Yeah. It it's it's a lifelong process of raising a daughter. I think, number 1, the most important thing is do not think that your daughter's gonna be your little bestie, your best friend. She's not right now. You've gotta raise her with values. You've gotta raise her with an understanding of the rules that are in the home, why there's rules in the home the way they are Mhmm. That you love her and that she needs to learn to respect herself. And just knowing that, Christopher's trying to leave his podcast.

Mary Alessi [00:11:39]:
Open. He's crawling out. If only people could see what happened in this room. How humble. He'd be in here.

Steve Alessi [00:11:45]:
He's humiliated. He's on his knees.

Mary Alessi [00:11:48]:
Go. Anyway, how about how to raise a son? How about that one? Raising daughters is tricky because I remember years ago, some friends of ours, they had 2 daughters and and she was telling me her daughters are probably 10 years older than mine are. She was telling me that how irritated her husband would get because her 13 year old would trigger her. And within 5 minutes, she'd be on this battleground with her 13 year old just going at it. And her husband would say to her later, why do you let her bring the little girl out in you? Why do you lower yourself? Stay the parent. And I remember when the girl started getting older and really testing me because, you know, it's girls and girls, like, fathers know their sons and mothers know their daughters. I that would ring in my ears. Don't let them bring out that little petty girl in you, but the tendency is there that was there.

Mary Alessi [00:12:47]:
I will say that taking that piece of advice, don't let them get the inner little girl out in me and irritate me, and also understand more than anything else, they're going to hate me for a season. The 1213 year old, 14 year old, 15, 16 is gonna hate me, but the 20 year old, 26 year old, 36 year old is gonna think I'm the greatest thing in the whole wide world. And I I would always think that because having the 3 girls, you just multiply the hormone storms. Gosh. You remember those days. All 3 of them, Ben and me. And I remember telling you, just stay out of the kitchen. Just don't even come outside.

Mary Alessi [00:13:26]:
Just stay in the room for a little bit because you're managing all those emotions and hormonal changes and then all the the weight and the pressure that these young girls are under today. So for that mom that's there raising that daughter, do not think that if you have conflict with her and you're at war with her, you're doing it wrong. Chances are, if you're at war, you are doing it right.

Steve Alessi [00:13:48]:
That's good.

Mary Alessi [00:13:49]:
Because she don't she's not your best friend. Not now.

Steve Alessi [00:13:53]:
Tell me this. Why is it girls are so complicated? I mean, I I know the Bible says talked about and from Solomon, who can understand the ways of a woman? Well, it starts evidently as a little girl because Armando, our campus pastor, is saying the other day, he for his granddaughter, he he was she'd walk in the room and just want him, and it'd make him feel so good. Well, something changed in the last month.

Mary Alessi [00:14:15]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:14:16]:
Now she walks in the room and wants Anna, the grandmother.

Mary Alessi [00:14:19]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:14:20]:
So girls, they they just changed.

Mary Alessi [00:14:23]:
They're fickle. Girls are very fickle with their feelings. Their feelings lead them through every second of every day. I I would look at it this way. A young girl, I think from the time she's 2 because she's left brain, right brain, and we know hormones start developing very early in a little girl. If you just see her life, like, every day is a roller coaster. Mhmm. Don't get on the ride with

Steve Alessi [00:14:44]:
her. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:14:45]:
Just don't get on that ride.

Steve Alessi [00:14:46]:
That's good.

Mary Alessi [00:14:47]:
Her emotions are up, down, and they're it's not just a roller coaster that just does this. It's loop de loops, and it's backwards. And she doesn't even know to tell you how she's feeling. So do you remember, when the girls were all kind of going through their cycles and getting older 1213? And I would say to you all the time, it's not her talking. It's not her talking. But you would say to me when they would get sassy like that, but you've got to deal with that, which was true. And we called it taming the dragon. You have to learn how to tame that dragon.

Mary Alessi [00:15:16]:
Every little girl has to learn. Well, we have a 2 year old granddaughter, and we have two little grandsons, 1 8 months. We already see the difference.

Steve Alessi [00:15:27]:
Wow.

Mary Alessi [00:15:27]:
Huge difference. Girls have a lot of emotions that they have to process and feel. And the most important thing that a mom does is she doesn't acknowledge those emotions all the time. Do not acknowledge them. They're ghosts. They don't really mean anything. So when you sit with your daughter and she's having an episode and you try to get to the bottom of it, there is no bottom. Don't do that.

Mary Alessi [00:15:52]:
Just say, cry for the next 5 minutes, stay in your room, cry it out, and I want you to come see me in the kitchen when you're done. I've you know how many times I did that with the girls? And one would come down. You feel better? Crying's good for you? You feel better? Alright. Here's what we're gonna do and here's what we're not gonna do. You're not gonna ruin dinner with your feelings. They're just feelings that are gonna fade. You're not gonna walk in and have that attitude. You're not gonna slam your backpack down and storm out.

Mary Alessi [00:16:18]:
You're gonna think about the family. You're not gonna let your feelings dictate and dominate this family. And that's how we raise the girls. I we've done podcasts. My mom's been in this room. We've talked about it. Go back and watch our episodes where we go into more detail about that. But I think the most important thing is understanding if you're gonna raise a good girl, a strong girl, you're gonna have to go toe to toe with her at some season in her childhood.

Steve Alessi [00:16:48]:
Yeah. It sounds so easy to talk about now.

Mary Alessi [00:16:51]:
Oh, no. But it's a roller coaster.

Steve Alessi [00:16:52]:
Years later when we're sitting in a podcast booth and there's none of them.

Mary Alessi [00:16:56]:
It was tough.

Steve Alessi [00:16:57]:
Oh my gosh. Right? The tears, the screaming, the fighting.

Mary Alessi [00:17:01]:
It's not fair.

Steve Alessi [00:17:02]:
No. And, you know, as a father, sometimes a father, I know from my perspective, just wanted it to be dealt with. Go deal with it.

Mary Alessi [00:17:10]:
Fix it. Fix it, Mary. Fix it.

Steve Alessi [00:17:11]:
Look in the face. You know, sit him down. Hit him if you have to. Meaning, you know, discipline him. Be strong with him. And I hated that, it didn't always get resolved by the time the sun went down.

Mary Alessi [00:17:26]:
-No, no.

Steve Alessi [00:17:26]:
-Sometimes you had to put them in the room, and they would be upset, and they would be crying. And it's like, wait. We we can't even here, I've got a job to do tomorrow, and we got all these responsibilities, and yet we've got this child of ours, this little girl that's acting, jerk. Just terrible, and it's like, I want it fixed. I want it fixed, because it just seemed to add certain stress. And some of it would, but some of it was just it took took time Right. For them to acknowledge, something that they were feeling and then letting those emotions out out that out. Those outbursts

Mary Alessi [00:18:04]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:18:04]:
Just happen. Yeah. And then while the outburst is happening, it's amazing. They're they're smart.

Mary Alessi [00:18:09]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:10]:
They do know what's right. They do know what's wrong. They start to figure those things out, and then mom can go in and deal with it when the situation is not so tense.

Mary Alessi [00:18:22]:
Do you remember in the old movies when the woman or the man would get hysterical and somebody would always slap him in the face and say, settle down, man. Get it together, woman. You know, that was like that was always in every movie. And I've started thinking about that this generation would find that absolutely horrific

Steve Alessi [00:18:40]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:18:41]:
That you would do that. But the truth is there are times when your daughter or daughters, if you have them, their feelings get them so out of whack. And I am not saying slap them in the face. Do not do that. That's insulting to a child. But there's times where you can grab them by the shoulders and take control. Don't meet aggression with aggression and just go, settle down. Look at me.

Mary Alessi [00:19:02]:
Relax. You've got this. Settle down. And the mom has to be the mom. Yeah. The mom can't be the friend. The mom can't be the sister. Take control.

Mary Alessi [00:19:12]:
I remember a few months ago, Stephanie had a moment.

Steve Alessi [00:19:14]:
Become too long of a podcast if we keep going on this question. I'm a

Mary Alessi [00:19:17]:
say this last thing, and we'll move on. And she called me because Gianna was just having a a a fit. And I said, Stephanie, take control. Be the mom.

Steve Alessi [00:19:27]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:19:27]:
And she did. She got to practice that for the first time being a mother and saw how it works like magic. So anyway, we'll go deeper at another

Steve Alessi [00:19:34]:
Yeah. So that's your one piece of advice Yeah. To the mother who's trying

Chris Alessi [00:19:39]:
to raise

Steve Alessi [00:19:40]:
a daughter. Here's something. Making sure this evidently can keep somebody up at night, making sure I'm balancing being a husband, father, while also building a business. And, I love this question because it, one of my buddies says it this way, you know, thinking you'll be able to do the whole work balance, work home balance, if you figure that one out, you're gonna be a multimillionaire. Yeah. Because it's almost impossible to do. However, I think from a, from my seat's perspective, I knew what it was, know what it is to this day to make sure that there is our career because you you feel like as a a man, you've got your career because that career is putting bread on the table. Right.

Steve Alessi [00:20:27]:
That is really what gets us up out of bed in the morning. We're driven for that. It's in our DNA, you know. Go out and conquer, the earth. Go out and use your gifts, your talents, and make an income and and conquer your trade. Do it do it right. There's certain, ego that that's attached to that. You you need it.

Steve Alessi [00:20:48]:
And it's easier for a man to give himself to that than it is for him to come home and give it to his wife or give it to his children. Sure. We don't get the same reward out of coming home and just being a good dad and a good husband. When we're young, we don't get that same reward. Like we do when we go out That's

Mary Alessi [00:21:09]:
a good point.

Steve Alessi [00:21:10]:
And we do a big deal, or we buy a building, or we start something, or we shake hands on a new contract, and we finished a job.

Mary Alessi [00:21:18]:
There's a win there.

Steve Alessi [00:21:19]:
There's a win. Yeah. That's put in us. So then to have to balance going back home and now being a 100% present is a real challenge.

Mary Alessi [00:21:29]:
Sure.

Steve Alessi [00:21:30]:
I think the way that we can do that is first being aware of it, that as a man, I know that I give it all at the office, but now when I get home, I also have to have something in reserve to give the rest of the family. Yeah. So the kids may be old enough. They wanna do certain sports. Listen. I knew what that was. I had to go take Chris to the to the football games and because we wanted him to play football and basketball and had to be present. I knew Stephanie wanted to do soccer.

Steve Alessi [00:22:03]:
So I had to be present for that. I would take off time even early out of the week because I wanted to go over when they were competing at different times. So I had to be present there.

Mary Alessi [00:22:13]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:22:13]:
And back then, I think I had a beeper. So it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't like a cell phone now where you'd be constantly in the barrage.

Mary Alessi [00:22:19]:
Yeah, it's true.

Steve Alessi [00:22:19]:
You could take your work home with you on your phone to be able to go be present with your kid, but then be present when you're there. So I think that helps bring a balance. I think at the end of the day, being able to recognize, you know what, I have to be available for some homework issues. I know my wife's gonna try to do it. Maybe the kids can try to get as much of it done before I get home. But do I do I contribute somewhere? Is is my gifting math? So can I help my kid with math? Is it science that I love putting building things so I can help my kid get involved with that? I have to be aware. When I get home

Mary Alessi [00:22:58]:
You gotta contribute.

Steve Alessi [00:22:59]:
Let me contribute somewhere. Right. Which means I just can't veg out in front of the television, kick off my shoes, go sit on the back porch, do what I wanna do, go to the gym, you know, for another 2 hours at the end of the day and get home to when the kids are then getting ready for bed and just kiss them good night. I can't do that. Or else that's not a fair balance. It's an uneven balance. My career is getting the best of me when my family needs it. So I think there's things that I have to be aware of.

Steve Alessi [00:23:30]:
And if I'm gonna be aware of it, then I have to be intentional with it. Right. Now weekends have to include some time that I'm with my kids. So I'm going to church with them. I'm making sure Sunday, come on, guys. As a family, this is what we do together. We go to church. We after church, we go get our lunch, we get in a routine.

Steve Alessi [00:23:55]:
Right. Maybe Sunday afternoons, a matinee, doing movies, something like that, I'm involved. It's sports, I'm involved there somehow. I have to be intentional. So I'm tired? Yes. I'm gonna be tired because of my job anyway.

Mary Alessi [00:24:13]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:24:15]:
My vacation time? Yes. It just can't be about me golfing with the boys. It's me making sure that I've got the kids, the families, I'm spending the time with them. There has to be that involvement, and here's why. You're talking 10, 15 years. That's it.

Mary Alessi [00:24:36]:
And then it's over.

Steve Alessi [00:24:37]:
And then it's over. Right. And then you're gonna re reap the rewards and the benefits of being able to bring that balance. Now we can get deeper into it at another episode. But but I think this is a good place for us to then move on to here's a 4th concern. My role now as a grandmother and a Christian, and what I'm learning in every moment.

Mary Alessi [00:24:59]:
I'll answer this, pretty briefly, but it's a great question. We are grandparents now, and we feel as invested in them as we did our own children in leaving a legacy of values and in a legacy of family and and of of faith. And our mothers and fathers have were very, very vital in our lives, especially your mom and dad and my mother, in making sure that our kids were raised up within this that same understanding of values. As a grandmother, you still have a voice. As a grandfather, you still have a voice. You have a lot of influence, and don't let anybody think or tell you that you do not. Speak up. Raise those kids.

Mary Alessi [00:25:39]:
Help raise them. Don't feel like you've gotta control or manipulate. They're not yours to control or manipulate, but keep loving them. Don't back up. Help your daughter or son raise those kids. Be invested. Teach them about how to have a relationship with God, and don't feel like somehow you're meddling, in their lives if their mom and dad might do it a little bit differently. Offer your support.

Mary Alessi [00:26:07]:
Love your grandchildren. Impart into your grandchildren because they are your legacy.

Steve Alessi [00:26:11]:
Yeah. That's good. And we can come back and hit that. But I like that. Yeah. Being the support. As a grandparent, know you are a tremendous support to your kids that are raising

Mary Alessi [00:26:22]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:26:23]:
Your grandchildren. Be that spiritual backbone and that spiritual support. Alright. How can I stir up the fire in my marriage after so many years of being married while being a mom and working? Now that's a full podcast.

Mary Alessi [00:26:38]:
Yeah. We should probably save that one.

Steve Alessi [00:26:40]:
Why don't we save that one?

Mary Alessi [00:26:41]:
I think we should.

Steve Alessi [00:26:42]:
Alright. Because I think you have some good advice that I can't wait for you.

Mary Alessi [00:26:47]:
I've got some good advice, and I've got some, some friends I might invite in to help answer those questions. Yes. You know, life after 50 is not easy for a woman physically in menopause, and I've got some, friends that might give some great insight into that particular subject.

Steve Alessi [00:27:03]:
Here's the deal. You can keep the fire Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:27:05]:
You can. Stoked. It could be even better.

Steve Alessi [00:27:08]:
I I I think we're in the best years of our lives.

Mary Alessi [00:27:10]:
100%.

Steve Alessi [00:27:11]:
Thank god for it. Little, okay. We'll move on. Then young adult children with same sex relations. Probably another full podcast, but I I I do wanna say I think, I think it's important that a parent learns the values of knowing that 1, okay, you love your kid, but remember, God loves your kid more than you do.

Mary Alessi [00:27:42]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:27:44]:
And you can find hope in that.

Mary Alessi [00:27:47]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:27:48]:
Because you're thinking, the lifestyle may not line up with godly principles, and you're right, But that's not the only lifestyle that doesn't align itself with godly principles. Alright? And there's only one sin in the bible that is a sin unto death, and that is the blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. All the other sins and missteps in the Bible just keep us from being perfectly on point. But my question is, who's perfect?

Mary Alessi [00:28:20]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:28:21]:
And there is nobody perfect.

Mary Alessi [00:28:22]:
No.

Steve Alessi [00:28:23]:
And so the grace of God steps in to help make up for our imperfections. So understand this. God loves your child, your adult child that's in a relationship and a lifestyle that maybe you do not approve of. So understand that first one, God loves him more. Number 2, I would say to you, you're hurt. Your hurt is understandable, but your child could never ever feel like you're ashamed of him.

Mary Alessi [00:29:03]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:05]:
And that's hard.

Mary Alessi [00:29:06]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:29:07]:
There has to be this unconditional love, and you look at that child, like I've said to Christopher, he was the one I had to say to growing up, son, there's nothing you could ever do that would ever cause me to love you less. You gotta make sure your child knows you love him. This world that we live in, here's how the enemy works. He lures you in, baits you to think this is a lifestyle for you.

Mary Alessi [00:29:35]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:36]:
But that world and that lifestyle will eat them up.

Mary Alessi [00:29:39]:
Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:29:40]:
And if they turn around and they're feeling alone and they're feeling isolated, they're feeling rejected, they're feeling broken, they're feeling shame, they have to be able to go home to a mother and father that still embraces them. That's the easier part. I would say loving them is the easier part. I would say making sure they know that you're their form and that God loves them is the easy part. But this is gonna be the hard part right here, finding boundaries that have to be established.

Mary Alessi [00:30:15]:
Yes. That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:30:18]:
Speak to that because I know that's close to your heart.

Mary Alessi [00:30:20]:
Well, I think it's very tough, and I I know there'd be people that would say right now, well, if you've never had a kid that is had this you can't really speak to it. And and I think there might be some truth to that, but, I think boundaries are boundaries regardless. And we don't move the goalpost. We don't move it. And there are so many parents when it comes to this particular subject, this one, that they move the goalpost because they love their child, and they're so fearful they're gonna lose their child if they stand up for what they believe. And at the end of the day, your your son or daughter that is struggling, yes, you said it, needs to know you love them unconditionally. No matter what, they can always come home just like the prodigal son. But, however, the lifestyle is something that you will never accept.

Mary Alessi [00:31:09]:
It's not going to change for you. And and there are so many resources out there from people who have lived this and are living it firsthand. Jackie Hill Perry is 1. I have recommended her book, Good God, Gay Girl, more times to to people in our church, and they come back every time, and they thank me because the resource is so phenomenal. She was in a gay lifestyle for many years. She's now married with 4 children, And she talks about this whole thing, the unconditional love and setting boundaries. And one of the things she says is don't move the goal post

Chris Alessi [00:31:44]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:44]:
As a parent. Stand firm on what you believe.

Steve Alessi [00:31:47]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:47]:
Don't be wishy washy. Either God is is involved in this or he's not. And if everybody abandons their values, then there's nothing to stand on. That doesn't mean that I stand on my values and my principles and I reject you. I love you, but I can't accept this lifestyle. I think it'd be no different if one of our children right now that are married decided that they were they were going to bring in a a third party and bring them to Christmas. Yeah. We'd be like, no.

Mary Alessi [00:32:15]:
You're not.

Steve Alessi [00:32:16]:
No.

Mary Alessi [00:32:16]:
Not at our house.

Steve Alessi [00:32:17]:
I've got 2 wives. I've I've I'm gonna come over

Mary Alessi [00:32:19]:
and move to your wife. Or I've got to I I'm leaving him, and I'm gonna go for him now. He's coming to dinner. No. No. He's not. I I think part of the problem with with that particular sin, though, is we're so terrified to speak up because we've been told, and it's deception, that that particular issue is going to cause your child to reject you. And now you've lost them.

Mary Alessi [00:32:43]:
Well, why don't you try it first? Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:32:45]:
Why

Mary Alessi [00:32:45]:
don't you get counsel, get good insight, from people with the same values as you, and love your kid enough to stand up and tell them the truth?

Steve Alessi [00:32:56]:
So we're we're talking about setting a boundary, and it's hard to do in a couple of minutes here. So we're gonna have to devote another podcast just to this subject matter. Yeah. Because setting the boundaries, that's gonna be the harder of the 3 things. 1, God loves them. You know that you love them. That's that's beautiful. But now setting boundaries is gonna be very difficult.

Steve Alessi [00:33:15]:
That will keep you up at night because you're not sure. You're never sure right here how those boundaries are gonna be responded to. And we will they reject you because of them? They may, but in the long run, they're gonna respect you, and then those boundaries gonna teach them something.

Mary Alessi [00:33:33]:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:33:33]:
And we've said it even in a recent message. Once you set a boundary, once you make a decision to live by principle, that one decision makes a 1,000 other decisions for you.

Mary Alessi [00:33:45]:
That's it. That's the answer right there.

Steve Alessi [00:33:46]:
And that boundary helps tremendously.

Mary Alessi [00:33:48]:
I love that.

Steve Alessi [00:33:48]:
Gosh, Mary. There's so much more we can say and I look forward to saying it in future podcasts. Well, I hope today your, your your answers questions have been answered. And this has peaked your interest for even more that we'll be able to share with you in coming episodes here on the family business with the Alessis. Thanks for being with us on this episode. And if you have questions, by the way, or things that are keeping you up at night, please let us know. We'd love to be able to share some insight on how to make sure you get a good night's sleep. Thanks for joining us.

Chris Alessi [00:34:26]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with Valesis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi [00:35:06]:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.