Say Goodbye to Mom Guilt! How To Break Free of the Mother Comparison Trap | S7 E4

Richelle Alessi [00:00:00]:
Because you also hear all these different opinions about what's better, what's worse, what's good, what's bad.and you fear, what if I made the wrong choice for for him?

Stephanie Muiña [00:00:20]:
What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. My name is Stephanie Muina and I'm here with my sister-in-law, Rochelle Alessi. Hello, everybody. I am so excited for this conversation. Me too. This has been a long time coming Yeah. Because we talk about motherhood and all of the crazy things in motherhood and the pressures of motherhood, the delights of motherhood, usually on a day to day basis. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:00:50]:
But we are so excited to compound that whole conversation and bring it all to you today for you to listen from list or for you to just learn from, to join, to give you some relief Yes. To vent with, and to hear that there are so many moms just like you, but we are so excited to talk about it. Yes. What if you, Rochelle, share your motherhood journey in a short two minutes? How many kids you have, how you give birth, the whole thing?

Richelle Alessi [00:01:21]:
Let's do it. So I only have one baby and he's not a baby anymore.

Stephanie Muiña [00:01:26]:
Mhmm.

Stephanie Muiña [00:01:26]:
That's what Chris tells me. He's not a baby anymore. Which is really hard for me to, even say because he still is my baby at heart. Because he's 1, Marino, he's 1, but he's really big. I mean, huge. We've all seen him. He's walked the 10 months. So he was just physically a little bit ahead of the game.

Richelle Alessi [00:01:46]:
Yes. Which naturally just made him less of a baby earlier. And then he's just like really tall and like almost £30 right now. Yeah. For a 1 year old. And so he went from being this tiny little thing to, oh my gosh, you just got big really, really fast. And so that is him. That's Marino.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:05]:
He's 1. So I only have 1, baby, but he's so much fun.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:09]:
He's a mess.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:09]:
He makes our life fun. He's like a think of a golden retriever. Like that's Marino. Happy and tense and just sweet and kind and just really strong.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:21]:
Already. Do you think he's more like you or more like Chris?

Richelle Alessi [00:02:23]:
I think when he was born, at the beginning, he was a little bit more like me. Yeah. And people say he looks like me a lot. But now that he's getting a little older, his social side is all his dad. All his dad.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:36]:
And you

Richelle Alessi [00:02:36]:
can see it.

Richelle Alessi [00:02:37]:
Yeah. Me too. I see it. Yeah. But he looks just like you.

Stephanie Muiña [00:02:40]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:02:41]:
He looks just like you. And then he smiles, and he looks like my brother.

Stephanie Muiña [00:02:44]:
Yes. But he looks a lot like you. Yes. It's so sweet. And what about you, Steph?

Stephanie Muiña [00:02:48]:
I have 2. I have, Gianna, who's 2 years old. She is a little spicy Yes. Girl. Oh my gosh. 2 going on 20. She is beautiful. I I she does have my heart completely because she's a lot like me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:03:05]:
She has my spice, my strong will, for sure. But, strangely, she has my brother's my brother's IQ and his, like, love for comedic attention. And he she loves to make people laugh. She loves to dance. She loves to sing. So she's a big personality, but you don't really know that right when you meet her. It takes a little bit. But then 10 minutes into knowing her, she will let you know she loves the sound of music.

Stephanie Muiña [00:03:33]:
She's a lot of fun. Yes. She's a big personality, but she's so bright socially. So, physically, she was a little slow, but she was saying bird at 8, 9 months. Yeah. Like, she was so her sharp with her words. And now she's 2a half, and she's putting together full on sentences.

Richelle Alessi [00:03:52]:
I can have a conversation with Gianna right now.

Stephanie Muiña [00:03:54]:
And an enjoyable one. Yes. You will enjoy the conversation.

Stephanie Muiña [00:03:57]:
And she has jokes. She's funny. She'll make you laugh.

Richelle Alessi [00:03:59]:
She understands sarcasm. So she's wild, and she's like I I don't know what to expect from her. It is wild with her. And then I have my sweet, little, tender baby doll, Matthew, who's, like, my boyfriend. I love him. He's 9 months. He's gonna be 9 months in a couple days, and he is just oh my god. Oh my god.

Richelle Alessi [00:04:23]:
He makes me just so warm, and I love him. He's just learned how to crawl. And they were both surprises, but they are just the best. And I've I've loved this season of motherhood. I've loved having both of them. They have completely changed my life. They've changed me. I don't feel like I am the same girl that I was a couple years ago.

Richelle Alessi [00:04:44]:
And it's all because of motherhood. Like, I I've really I've really enjoyed it. It's been a lot, and it has definitely put me through some of the greatest tests of my life, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically. Yes. Every part of my life has been tested. Every part. But I'm really grateful for it because I have become so much stronger as a woman and way more confident in who I am because it's it's just really tested me on my weakest, weakest days. It's tested me.

Richelle Alessi [00:05:19]:
Yeah. And I've really loved it. You know? It's been

Stephanie Muiña [00:05:22]:
I would say it's been awesome because we've done this very closely. If anybody's been hearing our podcast for a while, they will know that we got married 3 months apart. Yeah. So Chris and I got married and you and your husband got married.

Richelle Alessi [00:05:35]:
Your Chris

Stephanie Muiña [00:05:35]:
got married 3 months. And then you guys had Gianna and about a year later Yeah. We had Marino. Yeah. And so, and then 6 months later, you guys had Matthew. I had Matthew. Not the plan,

Richelle Alessi [00:05:47]:
but it was great.

Stephanie Muiña [00:05:48]:
But it's been so great to see one doing the season together because that's so important. We've had each other. Yes. But 2, we've got to see how different has been for the both of us, even though we're walking the same season. Yeah. It's been very, very different. And which helped it's kind of where inspired this topic about just sometimes as moms, what we go through when you're walking this season and you start to see that it's a little bit different for other moms. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:06:16]:
Kids are different, which naturally is gonna bring out different things in you and different things in me because we're parenting a different child. Yeah. And you said that Gianna is kind of like Chris, your brother, my husband. Yeah. But then we see Marino and there's a lot of things that are very similar to to you.

Richelle Alessi [00:06:32]:
It's why he's I can read him like a book.

Stephanie Muiña [00:06:35]:
Did you just know from the moment he was born, it was like a certain strong part of his personality and temper and, like, not stubbornness, but determination Yeah. You're just connected with him on.

Richelle Alessi [00:06:46]:
Oh, yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:06:47]:
And you just say that sometimes when you try to make Gia happy, you just say, what would make my brother happier right now? And it always works. And it always works. It's true. And so that just sparked this conversation that you and I have on a regular. Yeah. About how we sometimes get to compare what we're doing. And sometimes it's not a bad comparison. It's just different.

Stephanie Muiña [00:07:10]:
Sometimes if we don't put it into a controlled place, it could have become unhealthy for us. If we compare how different our journeys are and say yours is better and mine is harder. But they're all different and has brought different things in you, has brought different things in me that we both needed. So I love that. Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:07:30]:
And you're absolutely right. Like it's been such a gift to do it together because I never ever for a minute think when you have when you have another mom that's your same age in the same exact season, it makes you so humble because there's things that I need grace for. And when my child has the biggest attitude and is throwing a temper tantrum, I'm like, please, God. I hope they don't judge me. I know. I can trust that you guys will always have grace for me because you're in the same season.

Stephanie Muiña [00:07:58]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:07:59]:
And you Marino will do something, and I'm like, please don't ever apologize to me for the way he just did that. I totally get it. Yeah. And I'm always taking notes. There's never a day that I'm like, man, my child doesn't do that like Marino does. I in the back of my head, I go, I need to remember that he did that because if my child ever does, I know how to handle it. Yes. I never ever judge.

Richelle Alessi [00:08:23]:
It's it just puts you in the seat of a humble learner always when you have people with you. Yes. But I should ask you because motherhood is very hard. And, yeah, I think that for any listener, it's so comforting to know Yeah. That you go through bad days as well. So, Rochelle, what are some of the hardships that you have faced, comparison thought voices of comparison, voices of lack in this season of motherhood? I think the biggest one for me was, the, formula or nursing

Stephanie Muiña [00:08:56]:
Yeah. Conversation. Because I was not, I had one plan when I was pregnant with Marina. I was like, I saw you and how you handled Gianna and you nurse Gianna. And I'm like, oh, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. That's what I wanna do. And when Marina was born and all everything just went down, I realized I really couldn't just fully nurse him. I needed a supplement with formula and that just like for a few days, it really just crushed me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:09:25]:
Because we get to the, his appointment and he had lost a couple pounds. And so I'm like, I'm scared because I'm like, he's 5 days old. Yeah. And I'm a first time mom. So naturally I'm like all the different things you're going through postpartum. You just had a baby for the first time. You don't even you're learning how to feed your baby. It's just, it's just all the moms listening right now know how crazy that those few days are beautiful and magical, but you're also learning all these things for the first time.

Stephanie Muiña [00:09:56]:
And, when it came to it, I needed a supplement with formula with Marino. And he was a boy that ate a ton. I mean, you see it till his day, Marino eats all the time. And so what I was producing wasn't enough for him. And I had to say, okay, I don't wanna be stressed out. I want to make sure that I'm enjoying still this few months with him that I'm only gonna get with him. Mhmm. And so let me just adjust to what I have to do to make sure that my baby's needs are met.

Stephanie Muiña [00:10:27]:
Yeah. But I'm also not super stressed where I'm not fully present and enjoying these few moments with him. Yeah. And at the time, I did not see how fast time will go. Yeah. Because now Marino's just 1 and no, he's still little, he's only 1, but that's the oldest I've ever had him, you know? And it was those moments I had to make those choices, but that decision followed me for a long time. Because when Marina would get sick or anything like that, my first thought was is because I'm not nursing him like other moms are. Ugh.

Stephanie Muiña [00:11:03]:
When he I don't know. Anything that would happen to him, it was that comparison of I didn't do that for him. Mhmm. And even though at the moment I was strong to make that decision Yeah. It didn't mean that in the back of my mind, it didn't it just disappeared. It was kinda still there.

Richelle Alessi [00:11:21]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:11:21]:
And so every single time I experienced a first, that first time they get sick or the second time, it was all in my mind. It was because I did not breastfeed. Man. It was because he was having formula and I just it was easy for me to compare, and that would break me because I felt responsible now because you also hear all these different opinions Yeah. About what's better, what's worse, what's good, what's bad. Totally. And you fear, what if I made the wrong choice for for him? Yeah. What if I do something that's going to affect him later on? And that followed me till he was 1.

Stephanie Muiña [00:11:58]:
Right? And I had to transitioning from formula to regular food. Because he had, for the 1st few weeks, when I'm just trying to teach him just to eat, he was so used to milk and then he just got sick again. And it was this bad week of his little tummy not taking everything. And immediately I went to, it was because I didn't breastfeed. Because you read things about when you breastfeed, it's an easier transition to solid food. And maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But the fact that I still was comparing to, I've seen all these moms do it. I mean, you breastfeed both of your babies and they're healthy and whole.

Stephanie Muiña [00:12:36]:
They've been great, but it was something that I couldn't do. And so that comparison was hard. And it still followed me. And then I had to say, okay, I'm done. No more. My baby's healthy. He's strong. He has no he gets sick like a regular baby does.

Stephanie Muiña [00:12:52]:
And if there's anything that comes up, then we'll, we'll fix it, we'll change it. But I can't keep comparing it every single time something happens. Because then I'm just not, it's just gonna stress me out for the rest of my life. He's gonna be 18 and he's gonna get sick. And I'm I can't say it's because I didn't do it the way that somebody else did it. You know?

Richelle Alessi [00:13:13]:
No. And I I was getting a little, jealous because I was, like, breastfeeding all the way. Like, do it. And I I chose I I wanna stay in it because it's healthier in a lot of aspects, and it's great bonding. But, Rochelle, my daughter got super, super sick at 9 months old, got a fever. And I was nursing her all through that. And then at 1 year old, from 1 to, like, 18 months, it was a fever spree. And then I would see another child who was formula fed, never got sick, Never got sick until they were, like, 2 years old.

Richelle Alessi [00:13:52]:
So I'm there like, what the wait. Wait. Wait. I'm putting in all this work over here bragging about how the health benefits, but I'm still having to deal with the normal sicknesses and fevers. And there was another big issue was a lot of the women that immediately jumped to formula, they could quickly get their body back. Mhmm. And I couldn't because I'm like, okay. I just have to look like this for a little bit because I'm nursing my child.

Richelle Alessi [00:14:22]:
And I'm okay. I'm I'm different. I look different. This isn't my usual body, but I'm just gonna have to just accept it because I'm nursing my baby. But there was this voice in the back of my head saying, man, I I wish I could just get my normal body back. Like, I miss that. I kind of wish I I got my independence back, but it's okay. So there's voices on the nursing side too Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:14:44]:
That make you want to so badly switch to the other side. And it's the those voices of a comparison, it it really messes with you. And Yeah. There is, like, a little jealousy where you're like, wow. They could just give the bottle to their husband and just go to bed. Like, that's That's really nice.

Stephanie Muiña [00:15:01]:
That was really nice. That people could help me feed him.

Richelle Alessi [00:15:05]:
Yes. That was a blessing. And I'm over here like, okay. I have to leave the restaurant and go into the car because or I have to go to the bathroom. Or now I just do it out in public, and I'm I'm not so uncomfortable. But there was that moment of, okay. Is this worth it? Because this is a lot. And, of course, I I chose to stay in it because it's a a I like it.

Richelle Alessi [00:15:24]:
I it's my Yeah. It's a blessing that I like to I chose to accept, but it comes with its bad sides too. And, you know, we wrote down all of these different areas of motherhood where we really struggle with comparison. We Yeah. We have a few of them here. First one was the nurses nursing versus formula feeding. Yeah. There's the stay at home mom versus the working mom, which we can get into.

Richelle Alessi [00:15:45]:
Yeah. There's the kids in school or the homeschooling moms. There's the vaccinated versus unvaccinated. Yeah. There's the holistic mom. There's the more relaxed mom. There's the the mom who uses their family for everything and the mom who uses their friends to babysit for everything. There's so many different types of ways to mother your child.

Richelle Alessi [00:16:07]:
Yeah. And there's a reason for all of it, and there's opinions that come with all of it. And it is completely normal to deal with those thoughts of comparison. But one thing that I have seen in my motherhood journey, especially with the nursing and the formula feeding and the stay at home mom and the Working. The working mom Yeah. Is nothing can come against a mom who is full of joy and who is full of peace knowing what they are there for Yeah. And knowing what they contribute to the family and being proud of what they can contribute.

Stephanie Muiña [00:16:44]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:16:45]:
I've seen that moms all have different callings in their in their season of motherhood. I've seen moms who have felt the calling to be their teacher. Yeah. That they're going to stay home and they're gonna teach their child. And then I've seen moms that want to be an inspiration to their children as a working mom. Yeah. And they like to work. They have a drive to work.

Richelle Alessi [00:17:09]:
They have a vision to work in their workplace, whether it's in corporate or whether it's at church, whether it's something more creative. And that is the calling they feel is on their life as a mom. I've seen pastor's wives' moms where they know my role is to support my husband in ministry, so I have a ministry as well. Yeah. And that's their calling. That's their contribution to their home. And nothing can come against a mom who knows what their calling is Yeah. And who has peace with their calling.

Richelle Alessi [00:17:39]:
Yeah. And that's where a mom is unstoppable. And if you can just really silence those voices of comparison saying, okay. Am I at church too much? Am I at work too much? Are we at home too much? Am I losing time with my child? Am I too obsessed with my child? Those thoughts can pull away from your calling more than it can pull away

Stephanie Muiña [00:18:01]:
your time,

Richelle Alessi [00:18:03]:
I would say. Yeah. And if a mom is unsettled in who they are, that can mess with your household more than you being at the church too much, more than you being at home too much Yeah. That's what can really trip you up. And a mom who is so too concerned with, the downsides of nursing or the downsides of formula feeding can bring more calamity to your household

Stephanie Muiña [00:18:26]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:18:26]:
Than a mom who's just proud of what they can contribute. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So that is pretty much what we're talking about today, where it's like, you just need to be proud of what you give to your children. Because you know at the end of it, that's what God has equipped you with.

Stephanie Muiña [00:18:43]:
You know? Because it's it's like, God gave you your children. He didn't give me Gianna. He gave you Gianna. Yeah. He didn't give you Marina, gave me Marino. Yeah. And there is a reason why he did that because he's filled us and equipped us with with what our kids will need. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:19:00]:
Because sometimes we just see right now. Yeah. And we sometimes gonna be vision minded and say, 10, 15 years down the road. Yeah. What is what what has God called my family to be Yeah. And do? Because when we do that, the little things are frustrating you and that you're comparing to right now are very small. Yes. And it's so easy because you and I talked about this.

Stephanie Muiña [00:19:25]:
We work full time here at the church. We're here all the time. We do it with our kids, right? We are learning how to do it with our kids as well. It's, we're learning all that, but we have some friends who are full time stay at home moms. And in either side, when we all get together, we deal with comparison in certain things. Sometimes you and I might feel like, did we spend enough time with them today? But then you have the full, the mom that's working at home and they're sometimes feeling it might contributing enough to society. Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:19:56]:
So either one, you still have things that you're thinking the other side has it better, but in reality you, we don't. It's just what we are called to. And if we align our priorities and we have order in our minds, right, there might not be a perfect order when you have many kids and that's okay. But in your mind, your priority list, whether I'm a stay at home mom or I am a working mom. Yep. My priority and my full attention will always be my family. Yes. And so how do I orient my life where this priority is still my main priority? Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:20:32]:
If you work full time, maybe it is your weekends are so they're very intentional about what you do on a Friday night with your family.

Richelle Alessi [00:20:41]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:20:41]:
On a Saturday night with your family or dinners might be the thing that you say dinners every night. We're sitting down because dad works, mom works, you go to school. So at nighttime is our family quality time. Yeah. Exactly. Doing things like that where it's not about what the other mom is doing, but it's about what has God called our family to do. Yeah. And this make those priorities and still fulfill those things in order by the order by priorities and getting creative on how to do that.

Stephanie Muiña [00:21:11]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:21:11]:
You know? It's true. And somebody told me one time, if you can be healthy with balance and do your best to balance, even though that's it's never gonna be achieved perfectly, but if you can at least try, then have some relief that nothing's in competition with each other. Yeah. A date night with your husband is not in competition with a night at home with your children.

Stephanie Muiña [00:21:34]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:21:35]:
And alone time alone time at the coffee shop where you can just get refreshed is not in competition with you being alone at with your kids. A a Sunday morning where you are here all day serving is not in competition with alone time at home. Yeah. You will get that time. Like, it's gonna happen. You have a balance. You have your priorities. You know the temperature of your home too.

Richelle Alessi [00:22:02]:
Yeah. So trust that. Trust you know, tonight, we need husband and wife time.

Stephanie Muiña [00:22:07]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:22:07]:
Tonight, I wanna spend time with my daughter.

Stephanie Muiña [00:22:09]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:22:09]:
Tonight, I need some some time with all of us together. There's even right now, I feel like whereas months ago, it used to be, I need time with my kids and my friends. They need to be, like, introduced to other kids. Now I'm feeling, I need alone time with Gianna because it's been me and Matthew all day long, all night long. I need some alone time with her. Yeah. So as a mom, you know the temperature of your household. You know the temperature of everybody's needs.

Richelle Alessi [00:22:39]:
So do your best to fulfill that, and trust and have faith that nothing is in competition with each other. Yeah. It's not gonna take something out of somebody else's tank for you to choose to spend time with your daughter. Yeah. Everybody's needs will be filled, especially if you have the holy spirit at the center of your home Yeah. And at the center of who you are, because that's when you need the holy spirit to help you out.

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:00]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:23:00]:
But, you know, these seasons, it's it's something that we have to steward as moms. That's that's our role.

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:07]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:23:08]:
And how would you say are some of the ways that we could steward this season well, Rochelle?

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:13]:
So I would say one, we talk about stewardship. That's it's a gift that God has given us. Yeah. And so because we have it, it's about stewarding it now. Yeah. And we can look at it just as, okay, this is just another thing I do. It's kind of this is the thing I get to do. Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:30]:
Amen. And us having healthy kids or just kids, it's a blessing from the Lord. And it's a season, and it's not gonna last forever. Yeah. And so because it's not gonna last forever, I need to learn to be content right now

Richelle Alessi [00:23:47]:
Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:47]:
With exactly how they are. Yes. How active or not active. Yes. How crazy or wild they are, and life might be a little chaotic. I need to learn to be just content right now in it.

Richelle Alessi [00:24:00]:
Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:24:00]:
Because if I don't stop and say, thank you, Lord, for my kids that just run around all day because they just have energy. Right? I will get to a point where I feel like I can't do it anymore. Right?

Richelle Alessi [00:24:12]:
Yeah. Your tank is empty.

Stephanie Muiña [00:24:15]:
Your tank is empty. But if you approach it differently and you say this will only last a few years, even though it feels eternal right now. Yeah. This will only last a few years. Yeah. And I feel like the only reason I can say that is because I am we're surrounded by people who've done this Mhmm. And we see the fruit of their life now.

Richelle Alessi [00:24:37]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:24:37]:
And we see their kids being older and their kids moving on and they say it all the time. And because I've have examples of it and now I'm living how fast a year goes by, I realize I need to be content right now. Yes. Even if the days are hard, there's transition moments, there are regressions with sleeping and there's all these things in school. And I just need to say, okay, I'm content though. Yeah. I'm happy that I have these kids, the kids that I prayed for. I'm happy that they're healthy and whole and they're doing all these things.

Stephanie Muiña [00:25:10]:
And so now that all this great stuff is happening, then just let me get creative on how to make it even better. If that means you create a system where there are some days where they go hang out with somebody or do something for you to get your time, all that can come and you can get creative even with them. Yeah. On how can we make the days better with our kids, with the time that we do get with them. Yeah. Because they're gonna grow up. They're gonna go to college, and they're gonna do they're gonna live their life, and they're gonna do all of that. But this season And those this season of them depending on us all the time, and then being on us to put on all these fun things for them.

Stephanie Muiña [00:25:51]:
Yeah. You know, I was talking to a mom in the church and she looked at me and she said, you know, is Marina right now obsessed with you? And I said, yes. And I love it. And she looks at me and she says, well, enjoy it because it doesn't last forever. And that broke my heart because I the connection and the bonding that I have with my son right now is so special and you get it with Matthew. It's just, It's really such a beautiful thing.

Richelle Alessi [00:26:15]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:26:16]:
And so I'm thinking she's talking about a teenager. She says the other day I have this tradition with him that I take him over and we buy toys at Target. So he said, Hey, you wanna go and get a toy at Target? And he looked at me and said, No, think I'd rather wait for dad.

Richelle Alessi [00:26:31]:
No, that's I rebuked that in the name of Jesus.

Stephanie Muiña [00:26:33]:
And so I'm like, Hey, so how old is he now? And she points at him and she goes, He's 8 years old. No. And I broke because I'm like, oh my God, that's 7 years away. I said, I do that countdown. Yeah. Yeah. No. I was like, that's gonna happen to me in 7 years.

Stephanie Muiña [00:26:50]:
And oh my gosh, am I happy to sooner? Because Marino just got there at things earlier. So at, like, 5 years old, he's not gonna wanna be with me. And so I had all those thoughts, but that put into perspective for me of, like, this season right now that I have with him, the nights that he only wants to sleep with me. It only it's only me. And I'm like, but I need sleep. I'm like, oh, there'll be a day when he doesn't wanna be come into my room.

Richelle Alessi [00:27:11]:
I know.

Stephanie Muiña [00:27:12]:
And so let me just be content

Richelle Alessi [00:27:14]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:27:14]:
With this season and make the most of it Yep. Because it will not be here one day.

Richelle Alessi [00:27:19]:
You're right. And, you know, I was really encouraged by one of the moms in the church. Again, another mom. I was really stressed out because 1 to 2 was wild. Like, that that threw me for a loop. One was hard. That was hard. We had some, like, tough nights with Gia for sure.

Richelle Alessi [00:27:40]:
But 1 to 2 is is insane because you're doing all of the hard things with 1 child, with a toddler. Yeah. So they're running. It's it's not the same issues that you had before when they were babies. So you have a toddler who's running around, making a mess of things, with a screaming baby in the background. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:27:59]:
Oh, and which and it

Richelle Alessi [00:28:00]:
feels like it's all the time. Yeah. And I there were some days that I was really I was going crazy where I was like, if I don't go outside and just take a breath, I feel like my head's going to explode. And those first 6 months of Matthew being born was, like, the most testing ever in my life. But a mom in the church, she told me, remember, you have it in you. You were born to be a mom. Like, physiologically, you were born to mother. And then, spiritually, your number one calling is to be a mom.

Richelle Alessi [00:28:35]:
So you have it in you. The minute you think that you've run out of all the grace and the patience that you could ever have, it makes me wanna cry because it was such a refreshing moment where it was like, there's this it's I always visualize like a spring inside of me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:28:52]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:28:53]:
May and it's the holy spirit, and it's what's God's put in me. But the second I think that I've run out of all the patience and grace I have, the spring just opens.

Stephanie Muiña [00:29:02]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:29:03]:
And something just clicks where it's like, babe, I got this. Leave the room. Like, I can handle this. Give me Matthew. Give me Gia. Get the bottle. Let's go sit on the couch. Get the blanket.

Richelle Alessi [00:29:15]:
Everybody lay on me. Okay, Matthew. You wanna nurse? We're gonna nurse. Okay, Gia. You want your bottle? Here's your bottle. You want to want me to rub your leg? Let's rub your leg. Do you want mac and cheese? Let's go make mac and cheese. Matthew, you want a cracker? Let's get you a cracker.

Richelle Alessi [00:29:26]:
Do we need to go outside? We're going outside. We're gonna go to the the the park. And something just happens, but it and I I can fix the whole moment. The stress goes away. I get laser focused. I know how to just, like, navigate my kids around, how to navigate my household, but it happened when I could finally believe that God put it in me. Yeah. That I I don't have to crumble under the pressure, even though I felt like I was crumbling some days where it was like, I'm where is my strength? But I got the control of the moment, and I took the lead in my house and with my kids.

Richelle Alessi [00:30:01]:
And I I put aside the pressure and the fear, and it was the holy spirit. I I just got laser focused, and I led my home

Stephanie Muiña [00:30:10]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:30:11]:
Because I believed that I finally was the leader of my home. Yeah. I was the leader of my children. No one was going to tell me how to handle that moment except for me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:30:21]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:30:21]:
And once I got a good grip of that, I felt like I could finally find some peace. You know? And I I knew what to do. I knew where to go mentally if the moment got chaotic, where it was like, you know what? If I was in the car and the kids were screaming at the top of their lungs, we're rolling all 4 windows down. We're hitting 80. Let's go.

Stephanie Muiña [00:30:39]:
And I'm gonna turn the music up. We're singing goodbye yesterday. Let's all worship Jesus. And it would work. And then the kids would

Richelle Alessi [00:30:48]:
just fall asleep in the car with the windows down. So I think it just took a moment of, like, leadership from me Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:30:55]:
In my house. And it it trains you. Yes. Because you you're in those moments, you're like, I either do it or I crumble. Or I crumble. It's true. What am I gonna do? Go lock my door and cry? I can't do that. My children need me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:09]:
Yeah. In that moment, you're like, all right, let's do it. And just reminds me of the verse that says, the joy of the Lord is my strength. And we talk about, there's nothing that could just replace a joyful mom no matter what. And those

Richelle Alessi [00:31:23]:
moments, just reminding yourself the joy of the Lord

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:23]:
is my strength. And how reminding yourself the joy of the Lord is my strength. Yes. And I am gonna be strong.

Richelle Alessi [00:31:28]:
And in some way or another, I'm

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:29]:
gonna find joy Yes. In this situation. Yes. And I am

Richelle Alessi [00:31:35]:
because it's

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:35]:
also good for our kids to see that we're not gonna just crumble at a hard moment.

Richelle Alessi [00:31:42]:
Yeah. You

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:43]:
know, that we're gonna make it work. Yeah. That we're gonna figure out what works, what doesn't, what's good for our family and what's not.

Richelle Alessi [00:31:48]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:50]:
And at the, and then just, you end up creating memories. Yeah. You do. Because now you look at some of those moments that were really hard at like 2 AM where I couldn't sleep because he wanted to eat and you laugh about it. Yeah. And it's because you just changed your perspective.

Richelle Alessi [00:32:04]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:32:05]:
It's not saying that at the moment you're gonna feel amazing. Yeah. But it's saying I'm gonna change the way that I think. Yeah. So even though I feel this way at the moment, it's not gonna dictate the way that it goes. Yeah. And so when I do that, my family is is gonna be better. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:32:21]:
You the joy will come. Those moments will get better. Yeah. And like you said, okay. You figure out what to do with your children. Yeah. And you now know what you can do with Matthew and your capacity grows.

Richelle Alessi [00:32:33]:
Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:32:33]:
And you start to see how much you can actually do Handle. And handle. And you're like, wow. I'm doing all of this with my children. Yeah. Yeah. Not separate from them, with them. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:32:45]:
And that is just an empowering feeling

Richelle Alessi [00:32:48]:
for us as moms. Well, you know, what's really cool to see, and I'm sure you've seen it too in my mom. My mom still does things in very high pressure moments where she makes everybody laugh. Yes. And I'm like, how'd you do that? And she goes, I had 4 babies at one point. You think that it didn't get too pressured? I had to make sure everybody was laughing at one point, or we would all be crying and screaming. Yeah. And it's really cool to see how cultures in my my family's household was created because of my mom's perspective of joy on high pressured situations.

Richelle Alessi [00:33:23]:
Mhmm. So we love music. I bet you it's because we had to turn to music because we were super bored all day, and she needed to do something with us. That's true. Or if we're like, now when I bathe my kids, we sing the song, working at the car wash. And I'll get her arm, and I'll go, get the arm. Get the arm. Get the leg.

Richelle Alessi [00:33:43]:
And it's because Yes. My parents had 4 babies. They had it clean in 30 minutes, So they would sing working at

Stephanie Muiña [00:33:50]:
the car wash. And now it's created a routine even in my household. That helped you. And this is so true. Because when we talk about your mom, she got creative with all of you. Yeah. And she still talks about it to this day. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:03]:
What she had to do to get all the kids. Yeah. Because she was like, okay, we're in this. Yeah. We're gonna make it the best we can. And she was joyful. Yes. And she let her joy in those moments help the family.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:15]:
And I've seen it till this day. I mean, she still did that like 30 minutes before. Literally right before

Richelle Alessi [00:34:20]:
we came in here. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:20]:
We're thinking she's gonna come in and tell us, Hey guys, you know, relax. And she comes in and she makes a joke that makes all of us laugh.

Richelle Alessi [00:34:27]:
Yes. Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:27]:
And she just brings that into the room every time. Yeah. But then she also with us still as a whole family, she gets creative on how we're gonna get together as a family. Yeah. And eat after church on Sundays. Yes. And create family time. And if we don't have to go out to a restaurant and it'd be super expensive, we're gonna come home.

Richelle Alessi [00:34:46]:
Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:47]:
And she makes amazing meals that makes us super happy.

Richelle Alessi [00:34:50]:
Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:50]:
We get around the table. She'll make a funny joke. She makes us laugh, but it's just her presence. Yeah. What she brings, the perspective, even if it was a a hard day, the way that she would just shift the room and help us process is helping us see how we can do that with our own family. Yeah. But it's just beautiful to see how she was joy filled.

Richelle Alessi [00:35:12]:
All because of her years of mothering. Yeah. And, you know, it's also a testament to going to other moms in those high pressure moments. Yes. We've talked about this before where I have gained a lot from Google. Don't get me wrong. The Internet can help.

Stephanie Muiña [00:35:28]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:35:30]:
But nobody and nothing has helped me the most with motherhood Yes. Issues, especially, like, really specific issues. Nobody's better than other moms. Yeah. It it has been the greatest relief to me to be able to go to my friend and say, this is a my my child's doing this really weird thing, and I fed them this, and I don't know how they're gonna react, or they're waking up at 2 AM. And then a mom says, my daughter did the exact same thing. Try this, and it works. Yes.

Richelle Alessi [00:36:00]:
Because if you go on Google, number 1, you're gonna hear the The

Stephanie Muiña [00:36:03]:
scariest of things.

Richelle Alessi [00:36:05]:
Scariest reports. Yeah. And now you're thinking you need to take them to the pediatrician, and it just leads to more chaos. But the community of mothers and I know for a lot of moms, it is hard to make friends. It's hard to make mom friends, but it is the greatest investment that you can make. Yeah. If you could just push out of your comfort zone and surround yourself with other moms, especially at church Yeah. I'm telling you, it is better than Google.

Richelle Alessi [00:36:33]:
It's sometimes better than the doctors. I trust good doctors, but it it is if you just have the most the best experienced people there

Stephanie Muiña [00:36:41]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:36:41]:
And surrounding yourself with women that have are currently going to the same season as you or they're 10 years ahead of you Yeah. It's the best doctor you will ever Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:36:53]:
Consult with. Because it helps you see, especially the mothers running with you. It's just they're your buddies.

Richelle Alessi [00:37:00]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:37:00]:
You're in this together. And so it does create this feel for you to be like, alright, guys, we can get through this seasons together. We can do it fun. Then you take those moms. We go together to the park. Yes. We play with our kids because they're all in that season. So you create memories now with your friends and your kids.

Stephanie Muiña [00:37:16]:
Because you also grew up with some of these friends and you now are in the season together. So make new memories now with your kids. But when you also see moms that are 2 to 3 seasons ahead of you, it helps you also see what the future could look like for you.

Richelle Alessi [00:37:32]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:37:33]:
And you don't get so afraid, right? Because all we can see right now is what we're feeling What what

Richelle Alessi [00:37:38]:
right now.

Stephanie Muiña [00:37:38]:
And what right now is. Yeah. And when you have somebody who their kids are either in college and or married or whatever it is seasons ahead, you get to see what one day you could have. Yeah. If you just do the hard thing right now. And that alone, it's like vision. It gives you vision what for the future can be. And so don't lose hope right now.

Stephanie Muiña [00:38:00]:
Don't give up right now. Don't, I know sometimes if you homeschool your kids, teaching your own kids and being with them all day can be hard, but you're doing a sacrifice. Yes. So one day in the future, your kids have a life that they could not even dream of because you provided that for them. Yeah. And you'll be grateful Yeah. That you made this hard choices right now. Yes.

Stephanie Muiña [00:38:24]:
But surround yourself with the right people, but don't compare it Yeah. Unhealthily. Yeah. Be confident in what you bring to the table in your family.

Richelle Alessi [00:38:33]:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:38:33]:
Because you said it, it's in you. Yeah. You have it. And if you feel like you don't, then go to God. Yeah. Ask God, God, help me. Help me. Give me wisdom.

Stephanie Muiña [00:38:44]:
Yes. Give me discernment. Yes. Give me the strength to do this right now. I'm really tired. You know, sometimes it might be easy for us to say some of that when we don't have 4 kids yet. Yeah. But I think of, a few families in the church right now that have either 4 kids or 5.

Stephanie Muiña [00:39:02]:
There's a few that are pregnant. We have a, girl who was gonna give birth within the next 2 weeks to twins. And she already has 2 other babies. Her oldest son is like 2 turning 3. Then her daughter's about to turn 1 and she's giving birth to twins in 2 weeks. Wild. That right there. Oh my God.

Stephanie Muiña [00:39:22]:
You know, it's hard to just say, well, get creative when you have 2 twins and 2, it's different. But those moments don't forget where your strength comes from and where your everything comes from, which is God. Amen. Go to God, be bold with the Lord, pray, and you'll see how he really just gives you everything you need. The confidence, the discernment, the wisdom, he will reveal to you what it is that you need for your children and your family. Yeah. And that alone should just make you breathe a little bit. I hope this episode has helped you just breathe that you're not alone.

Stephanie Muiña [00:39:55]:
All these things are normal. We do compare, but Yeah. We're all uniquely, prepared for the season and the kids that are given to us.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:05]:
Yeah. Amen. And you you said it all right there. Be discerning, be confident Yeah. And be joyful

Stephanie Muiña [00:40:11]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:12]:
And creative. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña [00:40:13]:
And don't be alone. Yes.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:15]:
Don't be alone. Don't be alone. Yeah. Pick up the phone if you are having a rough day, and just call your friend. Yeah. And vent and ask for help. Yeah. But be discerning of what is allowed into your house.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:30]:
Be confident in who you are and your calling, and then just be joyful. And you said it. Know where your strength comes from.

Stephanie Muiña [00:40:37]:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:38]:
And we will look back on these days Yes. And wish that we can come back to this, which is wild to think. I know. But that's what all the moms say. So thank you so much for listening Yes. To do would you like to add anything else? Or No.

Stephanie Muiña [00:40:52]:
I think this is I think this was a great conversation.

Richelle Alessi [00:40:55]:
I love this, and I can

Stephanie Muiña [00:40:56]:
keep talking for another hour,

Richelle Alessi [00:40:58]:
but I'm having to really wrangle it in right now.

Stephanie Muiña [00:41:00]:
Maybe we'll bring it back for another episode. I think we should. We should. We could we could Like part 2 of this.

Richelle Alessi [00:41:05]:
I think we should. Let us know if we should do Yeah. A part 2 episode of motherhood comparison in motherhood and all the fun things. Yes. Well, thank you so much for listening. Thank you, Rochelle. This was amazing. I love this conversation, and we hope that you have enjoyed another episode of the Family Business with the Alessis.

Richelle Alessi [00:41:22]:
Have a wonderful day.

Stephanie Muiña [00:41:23]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lesseefamilybusiness dotcom and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Stephanie Muiña [00:42:04]:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.