More TFB Shorts! Mothers and Sons, Modesty and Other Family Matters

Allen Paul:
Hello and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. And you caught us during our mid season summer shorts. This is where we like to let you guys hear some of our best clips, the most popular stories, the words of wisdom, and the funniest moments that have made our season so enjoyable over the last 6 seasons. So we're going to get right into some more stories right now. You'll hear from a lot of the Alessis some stories that you might not have heard or remember, but they're going to help you think, laugh, and get right back into the business of running your family. So enjoy these words of wisdom and our summer short stories.

Mary Alessi:
Get older, it definitely changes and shifts. The expectations of mom changes on her son, especially if it's her only son. And I'm watching this and taking notes just so you know. But I think you and I have a very different relationship because of our verbal energy that we have. We talk incessantly and a lot. So it's different. Dad is a completely different personality. Right? So it there's a difference there.

Mary Alessi:
But also on the broader scale when there's a lot of single moms raising sons and the expectation of the son, and just kind of covering all of that. How simple men are really. They're so simple. And women tend to complicate them because we're complicated. So, as a mother who has, in her mind, raised this savior of the world's son, this the perfect son. The perfect son. That I mean, we're just born that way. You're gonna see that with Rochelle raising Marino.

Mary Alessi:
Stephanie's about to have Matthew. You'll see them Their mothering is very different than than it is with daughters. So, I I think though I'd like for us to keep the audience listening and not turn this off. Just you go ahead and talk about, just talk about our relationship, Chris. And my expectation or any pressure that my mothering puts on

Stephanie Muiña:
you. Okay.

Chris Alessi:
Besides her being perfect,

Steve Alessi:
the perfect woman in the world,

Steve Alessi:
she'll be like that in the comparison trap of, you know, all

Steve Alessi:
of that.

Stephanie Muiña:
But go ahead.

Mary Alessi:
Problems with your dad, not me.

Stephanie Muiña:
But go ahead.

Gaby Alessi:
Just for the sake of the podcast.

Chris Alessi:
I will say when you brought up the topic, I got an image of, I got an image of the the Dolphin Stadium. Because right next to the Dolphin Stadium, where they play all their games, is a very big, like, training facility. It's a big practice field, and it's right there. And, you know, the the father is always the coach of the son. Always. That'll never stop. But III have thought that the mother is that practice field. It's the training ground.

Chris Alessi:
And it's not that they get your worst at all. It's actually how you practice is how you'll play. And dad helped me see early on that the way I treat my mother, the way I view my mother, is the way that I will treat my wife. And, really, as a leader, anyone I lead. I mean, the way that III don't really see a 1 for 1 from the way I treat my dad to the way I treat people.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
Because he's always up. But my mom, it's like the way I treat my mom is really the way I'll treat anyone that I love. And so I've I've I've seen that, and III that's why I got that image. Like, yeah, the game, you know, is over here, but that practice field is right there. And that's what dictates how well the game will go. And so I think there have been times where you have, definitely given me a lot to

Stephanie Muiña:
practice. Okay.

Chris Alessi:
But I I would say I'm I'm I'm 1 of the lucky few. Definitely 1 of the lucky few. And, I I would think that if there are sons listening, even daughters, like, the way you treat your mom, regardless of who she is or or what she does or how good the turf is, how good the facilities are Yeah. You know, how you practice is how you'll play. And, if people don't like you in the way you treat them, your mom probably doesn't like the way you treat her.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And so, III don't know. III think that I would hope my mom would think that I treat her well.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Chris Alessi:
And I think my wife thinks I treat her well. And I I do believe it's because, you know, 3 sisters and a mom gives you a lot of practice.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. Let me interject.

Gaby Alessi:
A lot of it just

Steve Alessi:
Be interject. I like this.

Steve Alessi:
This is a great

Mary Alessi:
conversation,

Steve Alessi:
by the way.

Lauren Alessi:
Do we

Mary Alessi:
have any, like, personalized Alessi family business podcast tissues?

Chris Alessi:
Yeah. Really?

Steve Alessi:
Branded? You have said over the years

Chris Alessi:
That reveals the logo as the tears. Sorry.

Steve Alessi:
You have said over the years, Mary, that anytime Chris

Steve Alessi:
and I are, or Chris has, a challenge with me Yeah. In the office, he goes to you and the 2 of you kinda you Practice. Work it out.

Steve Alessi:
Practice. You coach him along the way to say, hey. This is how you gotta deal with your dad. These things

Steve Alessi:
you gotta say and so on and so forth. I know it's hard for you to

Steve Alessi:
believe, but he actually does the same thing with me with you.

Chris Alessi:
No. But that's more likely.

Steve Alessi:
That that's more likely.

Chris Alessi:
That was never

Steve Alessi:
going on. Coffee coming in,

Chris Alessi:
kicking in hot.

Steve Alessi:
That's right. Tissues.

Chris Alessi:
There they are.

Stephanie Muiña:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Wait. That's mine. Oh. Did you get my coffee cup?

Mary Alessi:
I don't know because it's about me. You're

Steve Alessi:
okay, AP.

Chris Alessi:
Hey. In here.

Steve Alessi:
Thank you, Melanie.

Chris Alessi:
She brought me Marino in in our last, podcast.

Steve Alessi:
Did. So she's got a great baby. Oh. Yeah. He he he does. He he does. He, we we talk about you, Mary, and making sure that but it's all good.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah. Can I

Gaby Alessi:
can I Okay?

Mary Alessi:
Stop. Stop. Stop. See how men do? See how you all did? Y'all just did that? Oh, but no. It's all fine. It's all Well,

Chris Alessi:
hold on. No.

Steve Alessi:
Because we're being picture minded. I think we have a

Mary Alessi:
Women would go, yeah. He does because he has issues with you and because you don't take the time to stop and talk to him, and because you're a terrible father, that's how women

Chris Alessi:
But that's actually

Steve Alessi:
can't handle the truth.

Chris Alessi:
And men can't handle the

Lauren Alessi:
truth. You think I can't handle the truth? Okay.

Gaby Alessi:
Do you really think I can?

Chris Alessi:
Am I mediating? That was for g.

Steve Alessi:
Come on. Okay. Actually, no.

Stephanie Muiña:
It was a joke. I mean, you know

Chris Alessi:
what I think's happening? So so you mentioned mom that that it changes over time. And when I was when I was younger, I was almost a 1 for 1 many me of you. 100%. The way that I thought, the way that I processed, I was all you. And I think it was because what my community needed of me required that. But as things have shifted, as I've become a married man, and as I've had a kid, and my even my role in the organization has shifted, I've noticed more of him coming out in me.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And to the point where I even like, I'm understanding his side of things. Yeah. I'm going back over my entire life to conversations where I just thought he was speaking complete and total hieroglyphics. And I'm like, I get it now. And so it's almost kinda like I the the part of me that was so much like you, I almost don't even that that's not coming up naturally anymore. And it makes sense because I have to provide a fathering role to Marino now, a leadership role to my home, which is the you know, we make the Enneagram joke, the 8 in him. So I just I don't know. Like,

Steve Alessi:
I It's the man in him. Yeah. Sure.

Lauren Alessi:
It is.

Gaby Alessi:
I I can And that

Chris Alessi:
is your manly shifted.

Mary Alessi:
But I I think this this is really personally k. Stop. Okay? I'm trying to be serious and help our audience. This is exactly what mothers need to hear.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Especially Well, I think every mother of sons, but but single moms as well. Here's why. What you're saying is when you were a young man, because a mother's love is unconditional, a father's love is conditional. A father says you take out the trash And

Chris Alessi:
that starts Good with me. Even as an infant.

Mary Alessi:
It starts right away.

Chris Alessi:
You're feeling it. I see it right now.

Mary Alessi:
I see it in you with Marino. Like, he cries with me, and I don't like it. I'm like, he's a baby.

Chris Alessi:
Let me be clear. I have a great my son and I are very connected. Oh, god. We are not 1 I am not behold no. Because I am not I am not 1 of those fathers who thinks I'm disconnected from my infant. No way. I'm very we we I could take him for a whole day and be fine.

Steve Alessi:
You taught him how to kiss.

Stephanie Muiña:
I love you.

Chris Alessi:
I love

Stephanie Muiña:
kissing that kid's

Steve Alessi:
mouth so much. Now he just wants to kiss everybody.

Stephanie Muiña:
He kisses the song.

Mary Alessi:
He's 5 months old that he's kissing. Kids gonna

Steve Alessi:
be a great kisser when he gets home.

Mary Alessi:
But here's no. He won't. He's not gonna okay. So here's here's the point.

Chris Alessi:
He's gonna tell his wife my daddy talked

Stephanie Muiña:
to me at a kiss. She's so gross. Well, it's gonna be my mom. Hello. Let's get back.

Chris Alessi:
Let's get back on the closet.

Stephanie Muiña:
What happens when you just

Steve Alessi:
throw it out.

Chris Alessi:
To see the unless you read come

Lauren Alessi:
out of your mouth.

Gaby Alessi:
Teenage girls, it only gets harder. Because when you become a young adult, you're responsible for yourself and then you have to make the decision of do I actually want to wear this or do I want to protect myself? There was a couple weeks ago we went out to this this restaurant with a bunch of our friends and I wore like this white romper and it was like this long romper. I was covered up. Nothing was showing. Frankly, it was 1 of those outfits that it's like just show a little of your neck. My gosh. It was like super it was very modest. But, it was a white outfit.

Gaby Alessi:
It was it was a beautiful beautiful, outfit. I loved it. And I was walking through the restaurant and I saw this older guy and I was like, this guy's looking at me. And it's disgusting. I hated it. And he did the whole like, I walked by him, he looked at me from this side and then when I walked by him he actually turned and like looked again. And I wanted to crawl, like curl up in in a ball. I was like, I wanna go home.

Gaby Alessi:
I wanna put a robe on. I wanna cover up entirely. And it just so gave me this feeling. It was like it gave me the ick. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:
You know,

Gaby Alessi:
I was like, I don't wanna do this, but it did it did make me realize I am in a season and I am becoming a woman and I am looking a certain way where I don't want people to see me that way. Yeah. I don't want men to look at me that way. It has nothing to do with you taking responsibility. No. I don't want you to look at me that way. Yeah. And if there's something that I can do on the front end to just protect myself and present myself in a more professional or a more modest way, then I am gonna do that.

Gaby Alessi:
Because ultimately, I want to protect protect what I have. Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:
And I think you also did you wanna say something? No. Go ahead. I think something to go back to is, how to dress when you are dating. Either, like, in the dating world or you are dating somebody specifically.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:
And some I learned very quickly, that every single girl and I say this with purity of heart. Every single girl is very smart. And Yeah. Yeah. We know what can get a reaction out of a guy. We we do. Yeah. And it's actually our gift because we need that when you're married.

Stephanie Muiña:
You need that to protect yourself too, but we can use that to our advantage when we're trying to attract men, and we use that to our advantage when you're trying to attract the person that you are dating, and you like when they like how you look. Mhmm. Especially when you're married. Like, you're like, I really hope I bought this dress specifically for you. And that starts very early in a girl's brain. Like, very early.

Lauren Alessi:
Too early.

Gaby Alessi:
Too early. Does.

Stephanie Muiña:
Gosh. Gianna walk in the room and be like, daddy. Daddy. And she's wearing her little dress, and she loves to show her dad her dress. But it's very I think every girl has to admit. Just admit it. Yep. You know what can get a guy's reaction.

Stephanie Muiña:
And if you know, then you have to practice that control, and you have to practice that gift.

Lauren Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:
Save it for when it save it for marriage. Save that gift for marriage. Do not use it now. But come to the realization that you know Leanne, like Well and okay. I I think

Lauren Alessi:
it's a great thing for a girl to be like, I wanna walk into a room and have a presence about me. Like, even if she's married, be like, I want to have the presence of I'm this man's wife. You know? Like, you can do that without flaunting everything. And I was always the girl who was like, I love fashion. I I have loved fashion all my life. So when I would see and I still see the trends going a certain way that now I'm just like, this isn't even fashion. This is just goofy. Yeah.

Lauren Alessi:
But you're you're like, how do I, like, match up with this? Because it's not even stuff I like to wear. Mhmm. But I'll I'll never forget. I heard a quote from Alexander McQueen. And if you haven't looked into his designs, you need to look into his designs. And he's like, I think women are so cool and so powerful that I want to make designs that make people fear what women are wearing, that make people fear women because I just think they're so powerful and so strong. But I was like, man, that's awesome in a certain way. Like, I don't agree with that fully, but I like that he's designing clothes that women can put on that gives women a presence.

Lauren Alessi:
Yeah. So I kind of like the idea of, like, have a presence about you, not 1 that's, like, half naked.

Stephanie Muiña:
Like, let's

Lauren Alessi:
walk into a room and, yeah, put nice makeup on, do your hair, like, wear your heels. That was something our grandfather would always tell us. Like, when we would go all out in our outfit, he would always, like, really really, compliment us on and really appreciate it because he's like, thank you and and he was Italian. So he really appreciated that and he grew up with that concept. But I don't think it's bad for a woman, because naturally that's in us, to want someone to go, hey. Your outfit, you stepped it up and you look amazing today. I think that's naturally in us, but it's when you're manipulating it for the wrong reasons Yeah. That, okay, it goes bad.

Stephanie Muiña:
Mhmm.

Gaby Alessi:
And and

Lauren Alessi:
I think we as we just need to make sure our hearts and our minds are in a pure place

Stephanie Muiña:
Yeah.

Lauren Alessi:
And making sure it comes from, you know, a really great place because we've all seen that woman who dresses up for attention from men. She gets the guy, and then she wears sweats and no makeup and never does her hair again. And it's like

Stephanie Muiña:
Oh my god.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. So who

Lauren Alessi:
are you dressing up for? And then Exactly. You see some girls that they're just consistent with their style and even after they get married, they have this presence about them.

Mary Alessi:
And it's

Lauren Alessi:
that's the sort of, like, modesty I aspire to be. Exactly.

Mary Alessi:
You're not dressing up always get along. No, we don't.

Stephanie Muiña:
But we figure out

Lauren Alessi:
how to work it out. They,

Stephanie Muiña:
they,

Steve Alessi:
But we figure out how to work it out. The other side to that is, Chris, when frustration arises because of the work, things that happen on the job, There's a need for us to protect the integrity of the workplace. And you and in your book, which is entitled Up Next, you have a chapter on what is called the ride home. So why don't you kind of unwrap that a little bit? Tell us what that actually looks like.

Chris Alessi:
Well, it's it's funny. It's you know how we all could have 1 truth, but take so many different things from it.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Because dad hears about it and he he sees the side of protecting the workplace. But when I wrote the drive home, it was really more because of my experience as a youth pastor with my sister Stephanie. You know, Stephanie was the worship leader. I was the youth pastor. And we normally would ride to and from church together because it's Friday nights. We weren't at work. And so it was hilarious how driving on the way to church was worship music. You know, we're so excited.

Chris Alessi:
We're talking about things. I'm processing my sermon with her. She's listening. She's practicing her song. It's all that. But the drive home was a lot different. Yeah. Things didn't go right.

Chris Alessi:
We both had certain expectations for the overall night and the part that we played. We we both expected more of somebody. And then all of a sudden, you you have to keep that good face on the entire service. You had to keep, especially as the leaders, you could not let people think something was wrong. Because 1 of the other parts of the book is if they're asking what's wrong, you've already lost. No one's focusing on the night. They're not focusing on you. So it was always keeping that on making sure okay, I'll deal with this later.

Chris Alessi:
And then as immature younger kids, we got in the car, and we went to blows. We weren't fighting about the issues. We were fighting because we had issues. And we would go at it and go at it and go at it. And you're the it was almost like, if there were subtitles, they would say, you're the cause of all my problems. And the reason we're not as good as I want to be. And she'd be saying, you're the reason for all my problems and why my area of ministry isn't as good as I want it to be. And it's so funny how when you start those fights, not necessarily fighting over the issues to find out what's the best option.

Chris Alessi:
But when you're drained, and you're upset, and you now allow your emotion to come out in a fight, it's funny how it became real personal real fast. And how it was now this is a you problem. And if you would just and that's where, you know, in fighting, you have to learn. I think some of my psychology taught me, some of our families taught us, you know, be very careful with how you fight. You don't make it personal. Even in our fighting, you have given us certain rules to we don't do this. We don't use words like I don't agree, whatever. But the drive home is about making sure you protect that time when you know you're gonna be most drained.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
When you know now now the effects of the ministry and keeping a good face on have hit us the most.

Gaby Alessi:
You're emotional.

Chris Alessi:
Or yeah. We protect that time. Because what we found is if we did that, what Stephanie and I found is if we did that at that time, it did follow us into work the next day. So the thing we should have done from the beginning was, hey, there's 5 or 6 things that didn't go right. Let me write them down. And when I get to work the next morning, let me write them down. Let me talk about them. Let me let's fight then.

Chris Alessi:
Let's talk about it. So the truth is you mentioned in, you know, protecting the integrity of the workplace. Well, that means do work at work.

Stephanie Muiña:
Mhmm.

Chris Alessi:
Now we're a family. We do work at home all the time. But there's certain work leave that for the office. And that allowed us to be family at home. So that allowed me to be brother Chris in the car, not pastor Chris in the car. That allowed Stephanie to be my sister Stephanie, not necessarily the worship leader who felt like I shouldn't have rushed her in that last song because we needed to make up for time. So it protected all of the environments. And that was really, really hard.

Chris Alessi:
You know, I think that you had the opportunity. You had the right to say, no. We're at home, but we're gonna work. Or, hey, we're at work, but we're gonna talk about family stuff. You had that right. But I didn't. And I did not have the right to take problems home, especially when we all lived together. When you and mom had your day off, when you guys were in bed, when you guys were going to sleep, you guys used to call me the bomber, the Unabomber, because we'd walk right into your office.

Chris Alessi:
This is what's wrong with our world.

Steve Alessi:
Your

Chris Alessi:
bedroom. Forgive me. Yeah. Drop a bomb, and then want to go now that I've vented, want to go my separate ways. And so we had to learn to put boundaries around that. If dad wanted to talk about work stuff at home, he had every right to do that. Because you know what? He's paying for both the work stuff and the home stuff. But as 1 of the subordinates of the home, I had to learn.

Chris Alessi:
I couldn't do that. And it's prepared us. Now that I'm married, I know how to do it. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And it's

Chris Alessi:
taught us. So that's what the drive home is.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And it's okay that we talk our business, family business at home. We can't separate. We can never separate who we are from what we do in our line of work. If you got to be it first before you do it, then you got to realize ministry starts at home first and ministry, the work of the ministry is hammered out. So even right now, Chris, sometimes our best planning sessions happen at home, not in the office, sitting on the patio looking out, getting creative, talking about how we're going to handle something coming up. And it frees us up from some of the chatter that we get when we come to the office. So the home is not a bad place.

Steve Alessi:
What happens is when we go through a service, and Gabby, you with young, young kids today, it's very easy to have a service, have somebody share something with you

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That they're going through. And then you get in the car. And you can bring some of that stuff home with you. Some of the problems that are going to burden you as an as a leader. And sometimes, you you've got to figure out between the time you leave church, by the time you get home, to be able to kind of say, all right, I'm not the savior here. And I can't do anything about it right now. But when I get back in the office tomorrow, I can engage and that going home period is can be a challenge sometimes.

Gaby Alessi:
It's very challenging. And I tried to tell like, because I did thankfully, I learned a lot from him really going through that and he had a lot of trials and errors and I got to kind of pick from, okay. I saw I mean, Lauren and I were in the car with he and Steph, and they would go at it, and we would I would see how just he was just emotionally drunk. I mean, he spoke for 30 minutes, and he was young. 45 minutes.

Chris Alessi:
45 minutes?

Gaby Alessi:
I tried not to, but you you didn't. No. But he would speak and we both know how draining that is physically, but emotionally. And after you speak, especially when you speak to young people, you don't get a response when you speak to older people. You don't have people coming up saying, wow, that just so blessed me. You're speaking to youth and now you have to believe that this is blessing them and you have to be confident in yourself. But it's hard when you're young. So he would do that and get in the car and it would be tough for him.

Gaby Alessi:
So I saw how he would handle it and I had to kind of make some ground rules for myself and even the team that I work with. And we've all made an agreement. If there's issues, if there's, a mistake that was made with whether it was set up a teardown or worship, whatever, I asked all of them, hey. Write it down in your notes and send it to me in the morning. And it was funny because I'm I'm somebody that if I'm I can't really do things 2 things at once. Chris is great at it. I can't, like, multitask like him. And they would come to me with a problem after service, and I'd be talking to a young person.

Gaby Alessi:
And I'd be like, what? Yeah. I can't handle it. So I've we've created a culture of write it down, send it to me, and then I'll get in the car and I just have to really fight because he had all of us girls in the car with him on Friday when he would leave the youth. I don't have anybody driving home with me.

Chris Alessi:
You're alone.

Gaby Alessi:
I'm alone. And I have to when I get in the car, my my, schedule, I could say, when I get in the car is, okay. I put on worship music, and I process the service with the Lord. Mhmm. And I talk it all out, and I'll say, I didn't like that this happened. And there's a but look at this kid. He came up, and she came up. And I'll have that moment really with the Lord, and I'll just or sometimes I'll just sit in my car and just stay quiet.

Gaby Alessi:
And no music will play because I don't wanna stimulate myself anymore, and I'll just let myself come totally down. And then I'll get home, and you guys will ask me how it went. And since I learned from the bomb, I was like, don't do that. So I'll just speak to you guys, and then I'll pick it up the next morning. And I also try not to minor or major over the minors, especially because you're working with young people and we're all I'm learning.

Stephanie Muiña:
Mhmm.

Gaby Alessi:
So I really do have to let go and constantly let go of the stress and just take that moment. I'll say every time I get in the car on Wednesday nights when I'm by myself, I have to force myself to thank God for the position I'm in.

Stephanie Muiña:
Yeah.

Gaby Alessi:
That's true. Because no young 21 year old girl is in the position I'm in and is getting to operate in this.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
Not too many of them, Gabby. No. Not too many of them.

Steve Alessi:
Well

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alesses button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.