The Family Peacekeeper: Are You Solving or Enabling Family Conflicts? | S7 E29

Steve Alessi:
Let me tell you one of the reasons why it's not so helpful.

Mary Alessi:
Are you going to hurt my feelings?

Steve Alessi:
No. No.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
No. Because sometimes it seems like. And if the mom is the peacekeeper, it's like she's taking sides.

Mary Alessi:
Oh. Or she's shielding the kids from the dad and the dad.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, it's not shielding. She's taking sides with the kids. Hello, and welcome to another episod of the Family Business with the Alessi, where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alessi in the studio today with my beautiful wife, Mary Alessi. And it's because of her that our YouTube subscriber just hit 3500.

Mary Alessi:
Is that right?

Steve Alessi:
That's pretty fun.

Mary Alessi:
Look at us.

Steve Alessi:
So please join us, get on the band wagon and subscribe, because we want you all to be a part of what we're doing on a regular basis.

Mary Alessi:
Two very sweet things you called me. Did you say beautiful or gorgeous when you introduced?

Steve Alessi:
A little bit of both.

Mary Alessi:
And then you said because of me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that's what I hear.

Mary Alessi:
Well, the marketing side of things. Because of us. That people are listening.

Steve Alessi:
You're sharp, you're smart, you're a good woman.

Mary Alessi:
You still good looking.

Steve Alessi:
Thank you. Okay, so listen, you have something you want to discuss?

Mary Alessi:
I do.

Steve Alessi:
Gosh, I can't wait to hear this intro.

Mary Alessi:
So we haven't even really prepped much for this, but I said I want to do this podcast.

Steve Alessi:
I have my coffee. I'm on the patio. Let's go.

Mary Alessi:
So let. I just. Yeah, we're going to throw even our listeners into this. Who knows what's going to happen?

Steve Alessi:
Go.

Mary Alessi:
It might not air. Let's see what happens. I want to talk about the peacemaker in the family or the Peacekeeper. Not maker, not the same thing. The peacekeeper.

Steve Alessi:
Ooh.

Mary Alessi:
In every family, there's always one. And I have a. AI has a definition. You want me to read AI's definition? I need my glasses, but that's okay. A peacekeeper in a family refers to a family member who actively tries to maintain harmony and avoid conflict by mediating between other members when disagreements arise, often putting their own needs aside to smooth over tensions and keep the peace, essentially acting as a go between to pacify angry or irritable family members.

Steve Alessi:
You know, I want to slap you right here on this in the studio.

Mary Alessi:
You just call me beautiful, bro.

Steve Alessi:
You woke up. Actually, this started this morning, right?

Mary Alessi:
Let's just start. Never slap me.

Steve Alessi:
No, I wish I could, but no. In my dreams, but no, not at all.

Mary Alessi:
No, I say this because you conflicting.

Steve Alessi:
You. You. You a Peacekeeper this morning I was not. Because it's Monday and I woke up a little on the grumpy side.

Mary Alessi:
You were creating tension.

Steve Alessi:
And this is what inspired you to come up with this because you had this. Did you send the definition to the girls?

Mary Alessi:
No, no, that's not what I sent them. Sent them something else.

Steve Alessi:
So about you? Yeah, so I was a little grumpy today.

Mary Alessi:
You were?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, it was.

Mary Alessi:
Well, it was.

Steve Alessi:
It was a long. It was a long, busy weekend.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, Were you tired?

Steve Alessi:
See, senior weekend tired.

Mary Alessi:
And you get grumpy when you get tired.

Steve Alessi:
All right, Peacekeeper.

Mary Alessi:
See, this is where I'm going.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
All the Peacekeepers. Let it go. Let it go, because it's not yours to keep.

Steve Alessi:
All right, so you're the Peacekeeper in our family.

Mary Alessi:
Is. Do you. Would you agree to that?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Which is that hard to say?

Steve Alessi:
Huh?

Mary Alessi:
Is that hard to come out of your mouth? Because you know who that makes you. Oh, oh, you can call. But you know it's true.

Steve Alessi:
Goodness gracious. Okay, so, yeah. So back to this Peacekeeper that. Let's see, AKA martyr in the family.

Mary Alessi:
Well, oh, oh, I said that there are potential downsides.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. I didn't need AI for that.

Mary Alessi:
Alessi knows that AI is very smart. A a, A Alessi, go. You are AI.

Steve Alessi:
See, I'm glad you got that.

Mary Alessi:
At least you think you are. You tell everybody that you're AI. The downside.

Steve Alessi:
Better than AI. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Okay, so the downside to being a Peacekeeper while in.

Mary Alessi:
While well intentioned. Being a Peacekeeper can sometimes lead to neglecting one's own needs, feeling overwhelmed by family drama, and not addressing underlying issues effectively. That's not me.

Steve Alessi:
I was gonna say, where's this conversation really going today?

Mary Alessi:
No, it's. I'm not gonna make it about me.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
I think the. What? Here's the picture that I got. And it's been in our family over the years when, you know, three girls, a lot of drama, an older son, the mom, the, you know, raising teenagers are tough.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And three girls with cycles and hormones and boys with hormones. And we're trying to help our young families. I mean, that's the whole point. Getting through those seasons that you think we're coming apart at the seams and maybe you don't want to go home. And sometimes not every family looks the same. So sometimes the dad's the Peacekeeper and he handles that very differently than the mom. And sometimes the mom's the Peacekeeper. Sometimes there's a kid in the family that's the Peacekeeper.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, that can happen. But the Peacekeeper always turns into the martyr because when they want to have a conflict and tensions, nobody really listens to them.

Steve Alessi:
So, Alan, who's the Peacekeeper in your home?

Mary Alessi:
Alan's question.

Steve Alessi:
Not on a mic. Right hand for yourself, left hand for Leah. He's the Peacekeeper. All right, all right. Well, let me Actually, you're back there.

Mary Alessi:
Thinking you're Getting away. Is 302-524-08.

Steve Alessi:
Is there a Peacekeeper in your house? Is it dad? No.

Mary Alessi:
Is it Mom?

Steve Alessi:
No. You.

Mary Alessi:
Is it you? No. Yes, it is. It's not. Is it your.

Steve Alessi:
Come on. Your sister? No way.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, a look at that.

Steve Alessi:
My respect level just went to a whole another level.

Mary Alessi:
No, because peace. No, because. Yes, absolutely. Your sister's sweet, but the problem with Peacekeepers, and I can speak of this because I have always been one, is that then you turn it on everybody and you become martyrs when you've had enough.

Steve Alessi:
See, that's it. And you got nobody to blame.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, so this is the part that irritates the heck out of the Peacekeeper, because all they want to do is bring peace. I don't want you to fight. I don't want you to be upset. I don't want us to be at odds. This is stupid. This is petty. And then the problem with that too is it's a form of control. Like, I'm the Peacekeeper, I can control everybody.

Mary Alessi:
I. I can come in. But the reality is nobody wants your help and they don't really want your interference.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. Sometimes you. They do. It's helpful, sometimes it's helpful. But for the most part, it's not as helpful as you would like for it to be.

Steve Alessi:
Let me tell you one of the reasons why it's not so helpful.

Mary Alessi:
Are you going to hurt my feelings?

Steve Alessi:
No. No.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
No, because sometimes it seems like. And if the mom is the Peacekeeper, it's like she's taking sides.

Mary Alessi:
Oh. Or she's shielding the kids from the dad. And the dad.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, it's not shielding. She's taking sides with the kids.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And she's. Yes. She's thinking she's protecting the kids, right? From the ogre. So this morning, the mean old. Yeah. So this Disruptor didn't, you know, was up a bit early, rolling around. So maybe the change of time messed up my sleep clock.

Steve Alessi:
So I was up earlier than I wanted to be. Couldn't go back to sleep.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Should have gone back to sleep. Needed the extra sleep after a busy Sunday. Didn't get it. So got up, was feeling good, walked outside. I asked a member of my family last night to take care of the animals. And there is a routine when it comes to taking care of the animals.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
And. And, And. Huh?

Mary Alessi:
No, you just. People need to know the truth about you, Steve. This is unfair for you to misrepresent yourself.

Steve Alessi:
Wait.

Mary Alessi:
Because I know where you're going, so why. Because the routine.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Is so routine. Yes to the ridiculous.

Steve Alessi:
No. It helps. The next morning, so you put the dogs in the cage, food out, up, go out.

Mary Alessi:
That part.

Steve Alessi:
Put the food in their bowls, bring it, set it on top of the car cage, clean up all the mess outside, which was done a little bit, and then put the hose away, everything's good. So that then the next morning when you go out, you don't have to fight the big animal.

Mary Alessi:
Agree with you. I forgot to do that part.

Steve Alessi:
Trying to get the food inside their pen.

Mary Alessi:
Well, that was me, because we divided.

Steve Alessi:
So that was you.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. The other one took the garbages out. Because there's a whole routine to that too.

Steve Alessi:
It is Sunday night, so Monday, those garbages have to be out by the front. Yes. So there's a way.

Mary Alessi:
There is a way to do everything.

Steve Alessi:
Exactly.

Mary Alessi:
So it's not. Thank you for taking out the garbage.

Steve Alessi:
And by the way, we don't have just one garbage can in our kitchen. Somebody's got three garbage cans.

Mary Alessi:
It's the military expectation of the four corners.

Steve Alessi:
Woke up this morning, didn't. A little sleep deprived, and the coffee didn't work. And when I sat down and my one child who works on staff came in, I addressed a work performance issue in the first thing in the morning.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Slightly aggressive, went over like a hand grenade. And immediately I can sense. Oh, well, you have tension.

Mary Alessi:
You have been known to clear many a room.

Steve Alessi:
And immediately the peacekeeper.

Mary Alessi:
She'S on her way with her case.

Steve Alessi:
So I knew this was motivated by this morning. No, no.

Mary Alessi:
There's been many instances that this has been motivated by this morning. It just came to me, like, this would be a great podcast conversation.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Because if we have this dynamic, every family, this dynamic. But what I have learned to stay out of it or not stir the pot. So this was the picture.

Steve Alessi:
So then I walk in a little bit later when I leave the room, and when I walk in, I heard somebody, Peacekeeper, saying to the other person, oh, he's just a little tired.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
What did I. No, I heard something.

Mary Alessi:
See I was not saying what did I hear? Nothing that I said. Did I say out loud? I say everything through text. So you did not hear that. Right. Mr. Were you feeling guilty? Is that why you started?

Steve Alessi:
Slightly.

Mary Alessi:
But my whole point was everybody has to take responsibility for the way we respond to things, the pressures, the tensions. And the point of making this about the Peacekeeper is that sometimes the Peacekeeper does not have to involve themselves. They can stay out. And I've learned that over the years, especially with Chris and you, that where we found peace was when I didn't try to keep peace. And I just let you and Chris work things out, even though I didn't always like the way you worked it out with him or him with you, because it would go both ways. Right. But if I stayed out of it, you guys always worked it out. So I had this visual and I.

Steve Alessi:
Think it's gonna help people give reference to that for a minute. Yeah, it's true. Because the peace disrupter.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Usually processes after the grenade goes off and things start to settle in.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because the issue is usually not the issue in the moment. There's a lot of background noise going on. Pressure that that created today. There was a lot of just other things going on or a few other things. Not a lot. A few other things that were going on that created it. So if the Peacekeeper understands that the peace disruptor will, okay, will be able to process and work some things out, then over time, the peace disruptor disrupts the piece less and less.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely. Because you don't want the mess.

Steve Alessi:
No, you don't want the mess.

Mary Alessi:
You disrupt the piece less and less because you don't want the mess there.

Steve Alessi:
You put that on a shirt. Yes, there you go. And here's the issue. What started over here, when the Peacekeeper wants to get involved, all of a sudden shoots over here to the Peacekeeper, and that can't happen.

Mary Alessi:
They get the brunt.

Steve Alessi:
They get the brunt of it.

Mary Alessi:
So I had this visual. Yes, that was really good, the way you just described that. And for all the Peacekeepers out there, the visual that I had was, imagine on your stove that however many family members you have, you put a pot of water for each family member on the stove and you turn them on midway. And let's say, for instance, the person, you might have a few disruptors in your family that just feel what they feel. Right. And they're all now going to boil. And you feel the pressure of the boil. Here it comes.

Mary Alessi:
And you feel the responsibility to run in and make sure that it doesn't boil over. You're trying to keep the lids on the boil. And here's where the peace can come, really come, is when the Peacekeeper doesn't say, says to themselves, I'm not responsible for that boiling water. I didn't get the pot out. I didn't put it on the stove. I didn't turn the oven up. Not my circus, not my monkey.

Steve Alessi:
There we go. I was waiting for that term.

Mary Alessi:
It just came out. I didn't make this drama. I don't have to clean up this drama because that's part of the other thing. The Peacekeeper is going ahead, going, you're going to be sorry. You're going to have a lot of mess to clean up. Well, the truth is, sometimes, and I've seen it in our own family, that mess of the boiling over was really healthy to clean it up because everybody had to humble themselves. And when you don't have any moments where we have to humble ourselves as a family and come in the room and go, I caused that overflow. That was on me and I'm sorry.

Mary Alessi:
I take responsibility. That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. And the other person goes, I overreacted. I shouldn't have responded. What are you looking for?

Steve Alessi:
Nothing. I got to send a I'm sorry text right now.

Mary Alessi:
Stop.

Steve Alessi:
I don't want to mess this up. I'll forget. Go ahead.

Mary Alessi:
Right now, in the middle of this podcast, you're going to apologize.

Steve Alessi:
I'm trying to lead by example.

Mary Alessi:
Well, you need to read it to.

Steve Alessi:
Our listeners, how they respond.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, no, but, you know, but those are the things that happen when we don't interfere and overused. Maybe our gift of being a peacekeeper to the ridiculous, where we feel this pressure and now we are burdened with. This is who I am in the family and I have to do this when it's never really appreciated in the.

Steve Alessi:
Long run, it's really not, Mary. And you know what? The Peacekeeper doesn't always look. They don't always look good.

Mary Alessi:
They don't.

Steve Alessi:
Because the Peacekeeper has to somehow get in the middle of this. And if they're not careful, they can start manipulating things and it comes across disingenuous terribly.

Mary Alessi:
And you can create, instead of letting.

Steve Alessi:
Things happen, the worst dynamic just kind of happen.

Mary Alessi:
Just let it be. If you're having words with one of the your young adults, that's what. And let me just say, years ago, I settled that. I settled that. This morning was one of Those situations, though, where I. What happened?

Steve Alessi:
Oh, my God. Big emoji with tears in the eye.

Mary Alessi:
I told you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. See, I'm going back with hearts. Oh, my God.

Mary Alessi:
Oh. For the listener who's not watching this, but you're listening. Just know that no matter how old your family members get, you're always working things out. It's always.

Steve Alessi:
And it's done. Gotta love you back.

Mary Alessi:
Look at that. See there?

Steve Alessi:
You see what happens when you stay out of it?

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yeah, I stayed out of it, all right.

Steve Alessi:
I just made that family member stronger.

Mary Alessi:
This is what the disruptor tells themselves. See, I am a better person than you.

Steve Alessi:
Well, let's go back to something for a minute.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
Families in the household are no different than the dogs in the pen.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Those dogs do what dogs do.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And that's why every day at the end of the day, when I go out and I put them away, I have to clean up their mess.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Their poop.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Which I did clean up last night, by the way.

Steve Alessi:
A little bit, but. And you did a decent job. But with families, there's always going to be that mess. There's always going to be that blowout. Things are going to happen. People don't feel good. There could be bad mornings, Someone didn't sleep. Somebody overslept, somebody had a terrible nightmare, going through something.

Steve Alessi:
Somebody got stomach bug in the middle of the night.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
They wake up that things are not perfect. They, they. They can start an argument. Somebody's taking it personal, and. And there it sits on the floor.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And somebody's got to clean that up.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Right. And I would say that the more you let me clean up my message, the, the quicker I'm going to learn not to make a mess.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because I get tired of cleaning up.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
So it's like a man who just loses his templar. Or a woman and she's got to hit. Break a glass. She gets mad, throws the glass down, or man hits the wall. The more they have to clean up the glass and repair the wall, the less they'll do those things. So the peacekeeper. Excuse me, the peacekeeper has their role.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But it's almost like I'm not going to get involved in your stuff. And it's like you looking at me saying, steve, you know what? You know what you got to do?

Mary Alessi:
Well, that's.

Steve Alessi:
I'm not going to. Don't pull me into this.

Mary Alessi:
You're. You're a grown man.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
And whatever the relationship is, if peace has been disrupted or there's an irritation. It's not my business.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you'll work it out. And it goes both ways. Yeah, but I, but I think that if not contained. And again, we're not talking about the toxic levels of people that create so much disruption and the whole family trembles. We're talking about the normal everyday family and the things that every single family goes through. I don't care who you are, we are all the same. We all go through the same thing. That's what we're talking about.

Mary Alessi:
But the way to really have peace is to just let people be people. Let your family member be your family member.

Steve Alessi:
And as it pertains to kids and moms and dads, the mom may feel like she's got to protect the kid. Right?

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because dad may be too hard or vice versa. Mom, that dad feels like, you know, he's got to protect the daughter because mom has been kind of, you know, hard or whatever. It's not bad for your kid to have to learn how to handle a difficult situation.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
I'm glad that my daughters have to process dealing with me.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
It's making and will make them a better spouse. They have to know how to deal with an imperfect man.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
A man that has, you know, his mood swings, his ups and his downs.

Mary Alessi:
Just like we do.

Steve Alessi:
It's good that we.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Allow our kids. So a parent can't always rush in and try to protect the kid from that. It's going to happen because one day that kid's going to go to the office and they're going to have to deal with a man or a woman that is like their sibling and mommy can't or daddy can't come rushing in to help him. At the workplace. It's like an over parent dad, over parenting dad who is at the soccer field or the basketball court or baseball diamond, football field trying to get into the fight between him and the coach. The kid, he gets in a fight with the coach because he's not happy with the way the coach is coaching the kid. Well, what I found this most athletes in sports today never had a parent get in the way of their kid. Their coach, A parent that got in the way and thought they needed to fight the coach or the referee, his kids.

Steve Alessi:
Probably not in professional sports.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Because that kid had to learn how to be an athlete. And you have to be an athlete dealing with a tough coach, parents to.

Mary Alessi:
Have to stay out of it.

Steve Alessi:
An umpire that makes a bad call or another athlete that runs your kid over you know, you gotta let them grow up. So a Peacekeeper has their place in the home. And I'm thankful for the voice of peace that you bring. I am.

Mary Alessi:
You're making me cough now.

Steve Alessi:
But at the same time, it's how to bring peace to the table. And as we see, even on the government level. Holy moly. You try to be a Peacekeeper, you're going to have to get in the middle of some negotiations and figure out how to say things the right way and do it the right way.

Mary Alessi:
Oh yeah. I think it really does come down to everybody stopped taking themselves so seriously and guarding things so tightly for perfection. Family is the least perfect place in the world. We're not perfect. We have issues, we have problems.

Steve Alessi:
We.

Mary Alessi:
We are on each other's nerves. We are 24 7, you know, waking up with each other's. We see each other's flaws and just the worst side of each other. And sometimes we just put too much pressure.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
On our.

Steve Alessi:
But can you see why God has the family dynamic set up even in its flawed state?

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Because that's how you're going to deal with life in the real world.

Mary Alessi:
But it's your real people that treat you like you really need to be treated.

Steve Alessi:
You get trained, you do. Right there. For how to handle.

Mary Alessi:
It's true.

Steve Alessi:
All aspects of it. Because if kid, you know, a kid's going to go to be raised in your home if they're not taught how to take care of their room, make their bed and make sure their room's picked up and their bathrooms cleaned and so on. What happens when they go to college and they're in a dorm? Then what happens when they come home, get into a marriage and Absolutely. Now they got a spouse.

Mary Alessi:
Those skills they learn in the home.

Steve Alessi:
In the home. And the same thing applies to how they deal with interactions where there is a peace disruptor and a Peacekeeper, which.

Mary Alessi:
The point is that's why everybody has to stay in their lane.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Let disruptions come. It's okay. Don't. For the Peacekeepers, let it go. Relax. Don't feel like you are somehow responsible for it all. And you know, one of the reasons why this can be dangerous for the Peacekeeper is you might have one of your children watching you. And I think about this all the time.

Mary Alessi:
You know, your kids do what you do and they might not be naturally Peacekeepers. Maybe they're picking up on it. Okay, so I'll give an example. All right. When over the years I've really thought, examined myself. Am I a Natural peacekeeper. Is that my personality trait or have I learned that because of toxic traits? Watching my mom and dad when I was a kid. Now, I can't say that my parents fought a lot.

Mary Alessi:
They did not fight a lot. I wouldn't even tell you one was a disruptor and one was a peacekeeper. But the truth was they never really dealt with their issues. They would not deal with conflict at all. So then when they got divorced, there was, I think, something that I naturally just took on me to not let anything happen because conflict is bad and conflict leads to separation. And I think subconsciously that messaging was strong in my life. I had to give that to God because that was not the case. That did not have to be the end result.

Mary Alessi:
So I think it's really important for peacekeepers to examine why do they feel this urge and this need to just instinctively be the first one up and turn it, to turn the temperature down and nobody fight. And dad, you're over this, and mom, you need to that and you just relax. Why do we feel like we have to be the referee of the home when we don't examine that and then move on from that and say, that's not good for me. I've got little eyes watching me that might pick up some habits for their future and not even know why. And it's not good. And then they have this inner conflict because by nature, they're not peacekeepers. It's just an adapted trait that they picked up because they watch mom do it. And so because mom was neurotic and a peacekeeper because of her contentious family, now you just pass it down through the lineages and through the legacy of your children.

Mary Alessi:
And it's so. It's so important to know what's healthy and to know what's not healthy. And being a peacemaker, yep, is healthy. But being a peacekeeper all the time, nobody needs to take that role on. Yeah, just drop that badge right now.

Steve Alessi:
There. There is something to be said for the peacemakers.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
It's biblical.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children.

Mary Alessi:
The children of God.

Steve Alessi:
So that's pretty cool. So to those of you who are peacemakers, take your bow.

Mary Alessi:
That's it.

Steve Alessi:
Now, to those who are peace disruptors, remember this. The meek shall inherit the earth. So on our end of it, as a person that may be a little bit more aggressive, wanting to handle things in the moment maybe allows feelings to, you know, just cause them to say things, do things, just they feel it, they say it. If they think It. They say it. If that causes disruption in the home, then what you ultimately want to be able to do is step back for a minute. Because one, you don't want anybody to think that that's normal on a regular basis. It happens every so often.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
But you shouldn't walk in every room and disrupt everything.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
And just your very presence causes you to look at the negative, see the negative, say the negative, then that causes some pain. So when I said something today, I didn't mean to, but it did cause someone to get their feelings hurt. So you got to always be willing to step back and say, all right, am I doing this? Is if this. Am I causing this? You don't want to do that. You have to be able to catch yourself because you don't want that dysfunction to seem like it's normal.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Behavior and that every relationship has it. There should be peace in the home. Because though we say, all right, you're being trained in the home for what's going to happen in the real world, the real world is not going to give you the peace you're looking for. So I'm looking forward somewhere. I better get it home.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
It should be at home.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So, but so for the peace disruptor, it's like sit back and realize that you don't want to keep sowing those seeds of contention because they do produce just a harvest of just disaster over the many years.

Mary Alessi:
I just don't ever. I just never wanted our kids to tiptoe around you like we tiptoed around my dad. And I remember feeling those feelings of if I upset my father in any way, he was such a joker, but if I upset him, he'd ice me out.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I think a lot of that peacekeeper in me, not to psychoanalyze, but I had to deal with that and give it to God.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That a lot of it was projected onto you and you could not be further from my father's personality.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So you. You'd say it and get over it. Let's go eat. And that's so healthy tempering, not ever wanting to be too aggressive or mean. It's not your heart.

Steve Alessi:
No. No.

Mary Alessi:
But I had to learn not to project that on to you. And it's what I stop myself and go, why? Why this need to not let things be disrupted? Why this need that? Why am I so freaked out about Steve and the kids having an argument or the kids having an argument with their dad? Why? What. What is this anxiety that comes up in me and When I realized, it's none your business, Barry, I realized where that came from. If it's not my business to be. And Steve is an amazing father. We have great kids. They can have a disagreement, they can have an argument, they can have conflict. It's okay.

Mary Alessi:
You can get mad. And guess what? I can too, and it's okay. But where did I get that? And I dealt with that years ago through Search for Significance, which is a great book, but it really taught me to go back and go, where did I pick up those truths that I tell myself are true when they're not? They're lies. And that's why we joke about it and we go kind of, well, it's the peacekeepers and the disruptors. And it is. But a lot of times it can be motivated by the wrong things. So we gotta look at that in ourselves. I had to look at that in myself.

Mary Alessi:
I did not realize my peacekeeping was a disruption.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Now that's a drop the mic moment right there.

Steve Alessi:
There you go.

Mary Alessi:
I finally got one.

Steve Alessi:
Thanks for admitting it. That's beautiful.

Mary Alessi:
I finally got one.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, my gosh, 30 minutes. How many episodes finally get to that.

Mary Alessi:
Until I finally got to drop the mic moment.

Steve Alessi:
I'll say. And we have to say this because just people need to bring balance to this conversation. We're not talking about a disruptor. That's abusive.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
If there's abuse, then that's going to require a little bit more.

Mary Alessi:
That's not what we're talking about.

Steve Alessi:
We're not talking about that. I've never abused my kids. I've never abused you. I've been hard. I've been strong. You've been strong.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
On occasion you can get hard.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
That's beautiful. I like it. A strong woman. But we're talking about some kind of, like, simple things that just erupt. That happens.

Mary Alessi:
And it's not even anger sometimes. It's just a different kind of disruptor because you're the moody. A person's moody or snaps back quicker or is prone to get upset and isolate. It's all kinds of ways that the person can be a disruptor.

Steve Alessi:
I would just say of the home, though, for both parties, both. Everybody in the home. And the Bible says, seek peace and pursue it. That there is something golden about that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And that would ultimately be the goal of everyone who comes home. Go into that house and just try to leave off the stuff that's just causing you so much angst on the outside. And I would say for the family members, if there is information that's brought up that could all of a sudden create friction and a disruption of the household peace. Maybe show a little grace and a lot of patience to say what's causing this without saying it, but being sensitive to what. What happened today, and I would just say part of the little bit of a emotional response to what I said today came because if I look at what this person went through this weekend, there was highs and there was some lows that they experienced.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And that exhaustion and emotional drain came just a grenade. Yes. You drew it. It came at the wrong time. So there was a lot there. Which now allows us, thankfully. Scripture says, let not the sun go down on your wrath. We can deal with it even through text, something as simple as that.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
We're going to get the peace in the household.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
So when I see them later today, there'll be an embrace, there'll be a little kiss on the cheek, and there'll be a thank you and all that. So that we know this didn't get carried into tomorrow. And you didn't get in the middle of the.

Mary Alessi:
I did not.

Steve Alessi:
And get mad at me.

Mary Alessi:
Nope. Where we fought all day today. Because I was mad at you.

Steve Alessi:
And that could have happened.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely. And I want to just say this one last memory that I had that helped me turn the corner, because it just came to me years ago when Stephanie was about 13 or 14. I don't even know if she remembers it. She's got your personality. You guys are so much alike. She responds to things the same way you do. I would not say she's a peacekeeper from that meet. Like me.

Mary Alessi:
Right. She's different. And I remember coming around the corner one day and I thought I had done such a good thing because I had gotten in the middle of it. You were mad at me, but I had gotten in the middle of it, and I was like, you know, babe, you need to be sweeter. You know? You know, and you got mad. Let me deal with her. Let me have this conversation. And I was mad at you because you got mad at me.

Mary Alessi:
And I'm just trying to help, and you're not listening. And so Stephanie got upset and whatever. And I remember a couple hours later, she's upstairs talking to her sisters about it. And if she was 13, Laura must have been 12, and that made Gabby 10. And I remember I walked up and I heard her say, you know, I'm trying to tell dad how I feel. And mom comes in, and I wish she would just stay out of it. I'm like. But I'm the peacekeeper.

Mary Alessi:
It's what I do.

Steve Alessi:
You need me.

Mary Alessi:
What do you mean?

Steve Alessi:
Oh, I love my daughter.

Mary Alessi:
I remember going. That was one of the beginning stages for me to say, you know what?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, fine.

Mary Alessi:
You deal with it all by yourself. I'm out. I'm gonna go take a bath. Oh, that's it. I'm done.

Steve Alessi:
That right there will bring some peace to me. Let me just see you in the bathtub.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, Lord.

Steve Alessi:
Wow.

Mary Alessi:
Help us, Jesus.

Steve Alessi:
Okay, so this. This episode is going to be required listening for all the in laws in our family.

Mary Alessi:
Okay?

Steve Alessi:
So they get to know our care, our girls, and our son. By the way, other than yourself.

Mary Alessi:
Oh.

Steve Alessi:
Which of our four kids are the peacemakers? I could tell you who he is.

Mary Alessi:
Well, Chris. No.

Steve Alessi:
Lauren is not a peace.

Mary Alessi:
Likes to watch. He likes to sit on the sidelines and eat the popcorn and watch the.

Steve Alessi:
Lauren is not a Peacekeeper. You said it today. Gee, Steve, she is so much like you. You just said Stephanie's not the peacekeeper.

Mary Alessi:
Probably Gabby.

Steve Alessi:
Gabby's not a peacekeep.

Mary Alessi:
She can stand her ground.

Steve Alessi:
She'll. She'll come back.

Mary Alessi:
Let me tell you why. You want to know why? You want to know why? Because they weren't raised in a toxic, weird eggshell.

Steve Alessi:
No household. But poor Christopher. He's the peacekeeper boy in the family is just like you. That's cool. Which is why you need to keep listening to the family business with the Alessi, because we will help you identify the peace and the peace disruptors in your family as well. Thanks for joining us. We hope you had fun because today we sure did. As we talked about keeping the peace, you've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business podcast with the Alessi, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our pawdience today.

Steve Alessi:
Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alessifamily business.com and tap the Ask the Alessi's button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts.

Steve Alessi:
We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessi's because family is everybody's business.