Why Every Married Couple Should Leave and Cleave [TFB Top 10 Highlight]

Chris Alessi:
Alright, family business podience. Listen, we know you love every episode of our show, but there seems to be one that's really gotten conversation going and seems to have gotten your attention. It's from season three episode 19 when my parents, the leaders of the family business, Steve and Marie Alessi, talked about leaving and cleaving. It's been our most watched episode on YouTube and one of our highest on our audio platforms. So because of that, we've also noticed that a lot of people have left questions and comments about how to handle your specific situations. And so we wanted to replay portions of the most famous episode up to this point so we can also get into answering your questions. So this week, we'll show you some reminders of the episode from this really powerful topic. And then next week, we'll respond to the comments and to the questions as we're looking at leaving, cleaving, and building a stronger marriage.

Chris Alessi:
So listen close, and let's find out again why it's so important for, spouses to step into marriage with no strings attached to their parents. Interesting being a married son talking about this right now. So, hey, if relistening to it brings up even more questions, please feel free to send a text to our text line or leave a comment. We'd love to get to those questions.

Steve Alessi:
We're talking about leaving and cleaving. Yeah. Two words that we find in a chapter or a a verse in the Bible where it talks about that a man should leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one.

Mary Alessi:
Yep.

Steve Alessi:
So we're talking about that. How does a couple get this mindset that when they get married, there is this cleaving to the spouse in such a way that they leave the connection, at least the emotional connection of the parents or that prior life, whatever that was

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And become one with their spouse. So, tell us about your story back in the day.

Mary Alessi:
So while I met you, I was 19. We got married pretty quickly, and we fell pretty hard and pretty fast. And then I had to leave my ministry family that I was very proud of. And, of course, within that time reference, my parents got divorced. So it made it very difficult, But I wanted to run and support and protect my mother, but I'd also made a decision to get married. And in that, it meant I had to leave and cleave. And I I was married now. I was a wife now.

Mary Alessi:
I was a missus now. I'm fortunate to have had a mother who was, you know, she's a product of the fifties. So in that day and age, wives supported their husbands. You know? Mhmm. You didn't have the struggle culturally that we have today.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
So that was never anything she resented, that I didn't rush back to her, and she never felt like I owed her anything. She understood the power of of me leaving and cleaving. And so but that did not make it easy because you've all you've ever known when you get married is your mom, your dad, your family, whatever that family situation is. It's all I knew. And I had a twin sister. So it's not just mom and dad. It's siblings too that you're close to. The the culture of your family, the way your family does things.

Mary Alessi:
You know, our families may be more sarcastic and we joke, and you marry into a family that's more serious, and they they think sarcasm is rude and nasty. And you're like, well, y'all need to lighten up. Sarcasm is fun.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
So there's a lot that in is wrapped up in that leaving and cleaving. It's not just leave your parents and and and don't do what they tell you to do. Do what your husband tells you to do or what your wife tells you to do. It's bigger than that. It's a cultural process as well that you really do have to leave and cleave.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And, it's not it's not easy. What is it?

Steve Alessi:
Well, first, before we go on there, let's remember you're 19. Yeah. There are some people today in their twenties and thirties that haven't mastered this. It's true. And it it's causing problems in their marriage, or maybe it's keeping them from even stepping into a commitment of marriage. Because emotionally or physically, they're not willing to leave the influence of the family, the parents, and then cleave. You know, those are two strong words. So what what what's cleaving if we look at that? Because

Mary Alessi:
So I I really was looking it up, to really understand that word. I've always thought cleave meant cling, where it does doesn't really mean cling. And I just looked it up here, which everyone could do. This is an easy easy exercise here. It actually has two meanings that are opposite of each other. And, you know, the Bible is very specific when it uses words. The words it uses are on purpose. But it says to split or sever something along especially along a natural line or grain.

Steve Alessi:
This is cleave.

Mary Alessi:
This is to cleave, split, or sever along especially along a natural line or grain. It even says the large ax his father used to cleave wood for the fire. So there's a precise nature to that word. Okay. There is a that is also a cutting. You leave and then you're cutting into the past to cleave into this new relationship with your spouse. But the other term, which I just think this is so interesting, is that it's either to stick together or split apart. Either to stick together or split apart.

Mary Alessi:
So it really is, a bigger definition, that word, than what we see. And if we don't do it because when we started talking about this, I was coming at it from the standpoint of painting a picture of what does it look like if you don't leave and cleave.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
If you stay and cling, what does that do to the relationship?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, because babe, I think, different cultures can I think Americans do this better? And the American culture, it's it's something that they're like ready for you when you get 18. Get out the door. Go go do your own thing. Totally. Certain cultures that are more Hispanic in nature seemingly are holding on to that. Yeah. They they wanna keep that family bond and to the which we all understand. But sometimes if it's taken to the extreme, then it becomes detrimental to the marital relationship.

Steve Alessi:
So in this case, in our Latin culture, the father figure or the mother figure could be just as strong and the spouse can't leave.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
There's not that it's a physical leaving. Yeah, they get married, they move in together, they leave the house, but there's an emotional tie or a mental tie that they just can't break away from. And I'll tell you, as a male, being married to you, if all you ever did was bring your dad into the equation.

Mary Alessi:
Oh my gosh.

Steve Alessi:
It would have drove me crazy.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You and I wouldn't be here today. No. If you could not leave that influence.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Good or bad of your dad.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
I had to be the guy. So you're saying you're some people may be saying, oh, it's so cruel to leave my dad like that and my mom like that. No. It's cruel to your spouse when you don't.

Mary Alessi:
It is.

Steve Alessi:
And your goal is to move forward and start making your world, your legacy being built, your life being built, and it requires a decision and then a continual action along the way to keep mom and dad in their place as parents

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
That loved you and raised you. But now you become the husband and the wife that your own family needs lead needs. So you have to make that that that cutting.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
That's slicing. And it's not easy, but you gotta do it, and you can't be guilted by the parent not to do it. That's right. Because that's not right.

Mary Alessi:
It's not right.

Steve Alessi:
And and parents will do that. I feel I see the challenge already that I have. Talk about it. No.

Mary Alessi:
Come on.

Steve Alessi:
As for me and my counselor.

Mary Alessi:
Yep. I am your counselor. No. No. We you know, the the really processing that cleave word it from the biological because it says in biology, it's it's used as a split apart term. You really are having to intentionally split apart. You have to it says a man has to leave and split apart from his family. Man and woman, you have to lead and split apart.

Mary Alessi:
And when you read it from that perspective of that is your reasonable service in order to have a great relationship, what does that mean? That does not mean you're not gonna be with your family, you're not gonna be over there with your family, you're you're, cutting them off for any input they have in your life. That is not what it means. But what it means is, especially that first year of marriage, it is so important to split apart, give space, give time, have more pride or as much pride in the family you're building than the family you came from.

Steve Alessi:
There you go. Wow.

Mary Alessi:
And that's that's not easy, but it's all perception and perspective. You're building something. Something is being made here. You you were born into the family you came from. That was made for you. You didn't do anything. Now you're building something. What you're doing is building what you had for your generation, for your children to come.

Mary Alessi:
And without leaving and cleaving, you won't build those wonderful environment of a healthy, fun family that your kids are proud to be a part of.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So if you keep looking back to mom and dad and and if you do have parents, oh, no. The family, the family, the family. You know, you know, you need to make sure you let him know, honey, that we're important too, and you need to make sure she knows where well, that's that is divisive, first of all, and it erodes what that young couple needs to build. Mhmm. So really the truth is for it to be successful, mom and dad need to back up and give room for the son or the daughter both to leave and cleave to one another.

Steve Alessi:
That's not natural. It's not natural for the parent. It's so hard. But it's also why the kid needs it. The young adult needs it because it's not natural for them. Right. You have been in that home all those years and the influence of that parent has helped you throughout your life. And you've made decisions based on their counsel and pretty much everything that you are as a result of them.

Steve Alessi:
And it's unnatural for you to now cut that Right. And move on. But just just a couple of, phrases that we have used. You know, they talk about cutting the umbilical cord.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You you have to go ahead and get released. Well, it doesn't mean that you're being severed from the source that gave you life to continue life. I mean, it doesn't mean your life's over. It means you just you just severed that source that gave you life for a period. But now you gotta start living on your own.

Mary Alessi:
On your own oxygen.

Steve Alessi:
They use the other phrase of cutting the apron strings.

Mary Alessi:
Strings, yeah.

Steve Alessi:
For the young woman who cannot just leave her mom.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
There are phrases like that because it shows us how hard it is to actually do it.

Mary Alessi:
It's so hard.

Steve Alessi:
And as a parent, okay, we're we're seeing these things that are coming into our life ever since our our our kids are out of college, getting married, and now having children. I'm glad I can wear this shirt. It's really sweet, and I'm so grateful for the family that did this for us. However, I don't ever wanna be the father figure in this family that has to have all the light put on him and outshine my son-in-law Yeah. Who is the father to to Gianna.

Mary Alessi:
That you wouldn't have without him.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
So Yeah. It's true. I'm gonna I'm gonna enjoy being the papa. And all my friends and all of us at the church, we're gonna celebrate that. But our celebration in life can never be at the expense where Muina feels as though, oh my gosh, here he goes sucking all the oxygen out of the room. I don't want that.

Mary Alessi:
I know you don't.

Steve Alessi:
I I want him to be celebrated as much. Absolutely. And I need to let him know that. Yeah. I need to let my daughter know that, who is his wife. Right. So she never feels like, oh, let's give dad, papa his time with Gianna. I'm gonna get my time.

Steve Alessi:
She's gonna be on tractor. We're gonna do things, shoot some animals. We're gonna

Mary Alessi:
She can get it from me.

Steve Alessi:
We're gonna

Mary Alessi:
so fast.

Steve Alessi:
We're gonna do whatever we can with her. Yeah. And, hopefully, we'll have the alphabet covered, a, b, c, g, d, e, f, g. We'll get to g and have some other kids with grandkids with it. Get the alphabet covered with all of that.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, you mean the grandkids?

Steve Alessi:
Other grandkids. Yes. Yes. So

Mary Alessi:
we'll we'll

Steve Alessi:
have plenty. We'll have plenty.

Mary Alessi:
We'll have lots to

Steve Alessi:
to have fun with. But I don't ever want it to be about, oh, this has gotta be about dad. Because that or papa in this case. Because that could that could put unnecessary pressure

Mary Alessi:
It puts a strain.

Steve Alessi:
On the my daughter, who is now a wife before she's my daughter.

Mary Alessi:
Now she is. That's right.

Steve Alessi:
So leaving and cleaving requires even the parent, me

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
To help them sever the cord and say, hey, you're good. You deserve the celebration. You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. Yeah. Because you're worried about my ego being, you know, stepped on here, my my pride.

Chris Alessi:
I that can't happen. So the parent has to help the child, the adult child, leave. You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the a lessee's button.

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