Your King Era: Why We Need Men to Step Forward and Lead Their Families

Steve Alessi:
I think sometimes we gotta look at the men and saying, guys, take your place

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And learn Yes. How to do so in a way that, yeah, there may be some pushback from time to time, but it's not abusive when you take your place. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. I'm Steve Alessi, and I'm here with my wife who kind of insulted me just a minute ago because she said, Steve, you gotta give us some introduction that's gonna be a little bit more fancy and excitable than you usually do. Attention, Gabe.

Mary Alessi:
I did not say any of

Steve Alessi:
those words. I said it a little faster. Was that exciting enough?

Mary Alessi:
No. What I did say that could have been insulting is what I did say Yeah. Before that. I'm not sure what happened. Slow down.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, you have to slow down, but you want me to speed up.

Mary Alessi:
Speed up.

Steve Alessi:
Wow.

Mary Alessi:
Well

Steve Alessi:
That sounds like a bedroom conversational. Unbelievable. There it is. That's what you wanted.

Mary Alessi:
Nope. That is not what I want.

Steve Alessi:
Mary, what are we gonna talk about today?

Mary Alessi:
We're gonna talk about what we talked about. Are we gonna talk about what we talked about, or are we just gonna go culture and talk about it?

Steve Alessi:
We're gonna talk about it. Here's what we're gonna talk about because this statistic is Yeah. Earth shattering

Mary Alessi:
right here.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. I'm gonna read something, and this is may give a little insight to where we're going. Alright? It says children living with a mother only is the second most common US living arrangement, a number that has doubled since 1968.

Mary Alessi:
Say so say that again.

Steve Alessi:
We have women, leading households

Mary Alessi:
More women.

Steve Alessi:
More women without men in the households today. It's doubled since the year of your birth.

Mary Alessi:
So in 35 years.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yes. You're 35 years old.

Mary Alessi:
And, more than that, that means that the divorce rate, not only divorce rate, but there are women that are opting to go to, clinics and have babies all by themselves. More and more and more, that number's rising. So it it is divorce rate.

Steve Alessi:
Point that we wanted to make here Yeah. In our podcast today is the value of a father in the home. Yeah. And this was inspired by a post

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. That I saw.

Steve Alessi:
That our producer, Alan Paul, made on his feed. Would you like to tell them about that?

Mary Alessi:
So I saw, Alan's post, Alan. It was such a beautiful post, and his it was his whole family. He was standing with his wife, both of his sons, and his daughter, and their spouses. And it was just such an impressionable post because he said my family, my tribe.

Steve Alessi:
And

Mary Alessi:
I I was so touched by it. And in the moment, it really gripped me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because statistically, that is not the norm.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
To not only see the dad there, but to see the post of this is mine. These are my people. This is my assignment. And that's really although it was a short comment, we know Alan personally, and we know the impact that he's made, but we've also really seen him fight for his family

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And kind of pivot even in his mindset about in law kids and fathering them too. And, it's just it was such an inspirational moment for me. It was so motivational. And when I shared it with you, you said we gotta get in the podcast booth and booth and talk talk about that.

Steve Alessi:
The reason being is I thought the same thing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I've I've seen Alan. He's been in here. I call him AP. I've seen AP, since he's been with us for goodness. How long have you been part of our world? 15 years.

Mary Alessi:
15 years.

Steve Alessi:
And, we would come into this podcast booth, and we would talk about the family, talk about the husband's role. And he would, just like a sponge, just grab hold of so much of that. He goes to our camp, gets connected. He's challenged by other men. He looks around, and he would, just absorb so very much. And he even let us know that there were just adjustments, tweaks, changes that he was making in his household.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And here we are now down the road, and he makes this post. And he looked like when you looked at that post, like, this man was in charge.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. He's in charge.

Steve Alessi:
Man had intentionality. This this man had vision. He was going somewhere, and he started to inspire the the whole, again, role that a man is supposed to make

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And have, in his family's life, that he is the head of his household. Right. And that's something that people are not really embracing today. I said should say, before. Right. But what we're seeing is more and more men are taking their role. Mary, I read something the other day. This is inspiring.

Steve Alessi:
That there are more young men going and coming back to church today than there are young women.

Mary Alessi:
More more men are coming back

Steve Alessi:
Isn't that crazy?

Mary Alessi:
To church. And and, you know, I I think there are so many voices out there that are really, specifically speaking to the young men of the next generation because men do feel so lost. Mhmm. Because the messaging is from the women of their generation, we don't need you. We don't want you unless you're going to be our peer. Unless you're going to be more like us, we don't want you. We don't want you to mansplain, which by the way, I hate that term. It is so perverted and twisted.

Mary Alessi:
Mansplaining. First of all, can I stop you for a second and say something about mansplaining? Mansplaining is what men do. Men are helpers. They're explainers.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
They like to explain. I've lived with you for 37 years. My son does it too. It is a natural instinct. It's not demoralizing to me. It's not when when men get into the explanation, they're feeling a sense of pride, not you're stupid, you need me to explain it to you.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
So we've dumbed down the man's role, and women have so hijacked men in this way and gotten in their heads to the point where men are, like, I don't even know. You were confusing before. You're even more confusing now. And and not and you're mean. And you're mean. So I can't be myself.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So to the single women out there, if you're single a little bit longer than you wanna be, but you're dating guys, but it's not working out, and you have this chip, somehow this mentality has crept into your mindset that that triggers you when a man does that. Listen to me. That is not mansplaining. That's what the feminazi movement has told us. What a man does to feel pride, he is naturally wired to say, let me explain because it makes him feel like a man. It's not because you're stupid and you need it explained to you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So that right there, sorry. That's just a sidebar. Thank you

Steve Alessi:
for that.

Mary Alessi:
But it drives me batty

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
When I hear we heard it the other night even on I think it was on CNN, and they were joking. Thank you for mansplaining and, you know, that face that the the the anchor women had on there. Are you kidding me? Do you not know men? Stay single. Yeah. Because you're gonna.

Steve Alessi:
Well, you say we never wanna talk to you as women. The men never wanna talk to you, but when we do, then you almost some people re regret it or resent it.

Mary Alessi:
Well, they don't know men. They don't understand how men are wired, but yet they want one.

Steve Alessi:
Well and that's the problem that we're seeing when the man's just not taking his place in the home.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
So what we wanna just do in on on this in this podcast is just be able to highlight that role. Because last night, you and I sat down with 2 guys with their spouses. We went to dinner together with them. 2 couples that serve us, take care of us, work alongside of us. Amazing people. And it felt so good to be around the table with guys that know their role in the home. Yeah. Take that place and do it with pride because they're proud to be the man.

Steve Alessi:
Doesn't mean their women aren't strong. Oh, no. Their women are very

Mary Alessi:
strong. Women.

Steve Alessi:
Career women. Yes. They know how to to make a way. They know how to get into the conversation. That's right. But the men, us 3 guys sitting around that table, flaked by our wives, it felt so good to be around men that were strong and and felt good Right. About their role in the family. And, Mary, their families are strong like APs.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
They're they're like, alright. This is my tribe.

Mary Alessi:
Yep.

Steve Alessi:
I love that.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, it's so inspiring.

Steve Alessi:
Will use that for their team.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
The the group of guys that they'll hang out with, this is my tribe. I hang with these guys and so on. But a man to be able to say that about his family and actually be the head of the tribe Yes. Hey. That's a good thing. And we just wanna be able to say to the men, take your role Yes. And be comfortable with being the leader of your household.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, and when they do, what's that phrase? Chris uses it all the time. All boats rides with the tides, like, everything.

Steve Alessi:
I

Mary Alessi:
probably said that wrong, but whatever. Believe it or not, just as a man is wired to take the lead, he is wired to take the lead. Okay? Maybe he was emasculated by a mother or a woman in his life, but he was wired in his DNA to lead. And when he finds that, not only from the perspective of, his vision for his life and his mission for his family, his wife is also wired to come under that leadership and that authority. And women hate those words. Well, you can hate them all you want, but if you don't have an understanding of them and embrace how men are, we we can go back to the book, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We are different. God made us different.

Mary Alessi:
But when women understand the power of their husband's role, there's a natural response that we have. So we naturally need security. We naturally need covering. We need protection. And when women say, oh, no. No. I don't nope. I don't need that.

Mary Alessi:
They're usually saying that from the perspective of hurt, something that they've seen modeled to them that's been fractured and broken. The roles have not been taken. Well, that does not mean all men are that way. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
I don't

Mary Alessi:
know if you remember when we first got married. The moment you looked at me, we were having a big fight, like, a really big fight. And I didn't understand that psychologically, my brokenness from the the role that my dad played in my life was I'm for the first time, I'm processing it with the first man in my life other than my father. And I remember I am just disrespectful. I'm screaming in your face. You're screaming in my face. Yes. We fought like that.

Mary Alessi:
And I remember you looked at me and you said, stop punishing me for the sins of your father. I am not your father. And I just remember stopping going, I'm not doing that. I am doing that. And it it it shook me to the point where I did see you in a different role that you you aren't you had to be given an opportunity not to make those same mistakes. It wasn't fair of me to just project all of that that all men all men all men are gonna do this. This is how all men are. It's not how all men are.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And if you want a good one, you've got to know how to be a woman that gets mansplaining out of your vocabulary, gets I will never submit out of your mindset, gets I don't need a man out of your mindset, or you will not ever have Mhmm. A good man in your life.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. I've I've found that when our our guys, we get together. So we'll jump in a car 5 AM to drive. 4 of us, 2 weeks ago, drove up to our men's camp in Georgia. 9 hours, we're together in the car. The conversation was so healthy. Yeah. To to be surrounded by men that are healthy, that are balanced.

Steve Alessi:
Doesn't mean they're perfect. Right. Because we we have our challenges and our struggles. We have our strengths. We have our weaknesses. But to be surrounded by that group of men, all of them are taking their place in their families. Yeah. I love that, Mary, that we're surrounded by the men that do that.

Steve Alessi:
Then we get our guys in a a bus, and there must be 15 or 20 of them in that bus, and they're heading up to that same environment. Again, it's men that are all trying to be more healthy. Yeah. Maybe they did have some challenges in their past. They went through some things. But they're getting together with other men, and there is something to be said about iron sharpening iron. It does make us better. It just shows you when men are able to be challenged to be strong and take their place.

Steve Alessi:
I'm finding, after all the years of doing what we do, that the family is so much better because of it.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And, yes, we may want to point the finger at some women who don't think they need a man, but I'll tell you, I think sometimes we gotta look at the men and saying, guys, take your place

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And learn Yes. How to do so in a way that, yeah, there may be some pushback from time to time, but it's not abusive when you take your place. Maybe you have to grab at it sometimes on the front end. If you if you haven't taken your place, you gotta grab hold of your place, and, you know, that may cause some friction. But when you take your place, because it's authority that comes down from the top, everyone begins to fall

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
In their proper place. And it's out of order for a man to not be at the head of his home.

Mary Alessi:
100%. But the moment that

Steve Alessi:
that order is established, then it starts to flow. I believe you'd have less problems with rebellious kids if a dad continues to take his rightful place

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
In the home. You would because there's there's security when you know there's order.

Mary Alessi:
You would have less rebellious kids because

Steve Alessi:
all

Mary Alessi:
of us just wanna know what are the rules and who take me to the leader. Who are your leaders? And kids need that more than ever. And I think the most healthy family and the right order that is have been planned from the beginning is that when a young person, a kid, a teenager goes to mom, for whatever they're asking for. And mom says, ask your dad. And if that kid knows, I can't ask dad. I know what dad's gonna say.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And there's this deliberate understanding in the family that daddy is the last word.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Whatever dad says is what we're gonna do. And I I remember raising, you know, kids together when when we were raising everybody and it wasn't easy. How what brought balance to our family was when it when I was seeing Steve and you were team Mary. When I when I could say, if that's what your dad said, then that's what we're doing.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And I didn't think, man, he's being too hard. Why doesn't he let these kids? What would flow naturally

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
To make a healthy environment, a peaceful environment was with even if I didn't fully agree, I thought, oh, man, he should let her go. But he said no.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Maybe he sees something or he's picking up on something that I'm not picking up on. He's not that stubborn. He's the father of this family. And if that's what he thinks, that's what I'm going with. I'm submitting to his decision because he's got wisdom too. And he has responsibility over these kids that he will be held accountable to, that even I won't be held accountable to.

Steve Alessi:
And that required a lot of conversation on our part.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. It did.

Steve Alessi:
Because you did feel at certain times I was being, too strong. I was being a bully. I was I wasn't, I wasn't leading really with my heart. I was more, just being stubborn. And you and I had to get on the same page. Yeah. Because here's a challenge that I think many couples will deal with. When a woman doesn't feel like the man is taking the place in the home, what does she feel like? That she's gotta feel that vaccine? Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
She has to step in and be mom and dad, and it's a horrible place of resentment.

Steve Alessi:
Right. Yeah. Because then he gets mad at her Yeah. For taking the place that he's supposed to be in. She's mad at him because she feels as though he's not taking his place. That's friction.

Mary Alessi:
But what women need to understand, and I must keep making it hard on women, is that men don't fight back with a with a woman. They sit down. They are not gonna take their wives on. They're gonna voice their opinion. They're gonna say what they need to say, but when a wife gets too strong, what did we learn early on in our marriage? Don't meet aggression with aggression. You never meet aggression with aggression with a man. If you sit around enough and watch how men operate, men who work together, if you really pay attention, you see how generally peaceful they are. They honor one another.

Mary Alessi:
They don't meet aggression with aggression. One always backs down because they respect each other. Respect is a core value of men. It's an unspoken core value. So women disrespect. We do it. I'm I'm talking to myself. I've done it especially early on in our marriage.

Mary Alessi:
I didn't understand. Babe, come on. Don't do that. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I

Mary Alessi:
mean, how many podcasts have we had? I've bore my soul. You know, that that's the truth though that we don't understand those little aspects and elements of the husband's not personality, how a man is. So when a woman just says, I can't trust you. I'm taking over. We're gonna raise the kids my way. However, she might see and reflect her husband, well, he's not gonna go, hey. Wait a minute. You can't do that.

Mary Alessi:
That's my position.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Usually, men just back up.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
They're not gonna fight her. And that's a tough place for a man who in an in an environment culturally, the messaging is we don't need you. We don't want you. Yeah. And that's what's happening.

Steve Alessi:
You know, it's hilarious. I think of the early days when you and I are married. Sorry. Early days, it's like we we love being together. Right? Because you you date, you wanna be together all the time, then you get married, and you're you're you're wanting to do things together. Then a kid comes along. And somewhere when the kid comes along, it's like you almost want to get this alone time.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And then when, the kid becomes a little too much in the home, the man's looking for something to do to kinda escape the the work that is required to raise the kid. It's like, hey. That's what moms are good at. Yeah. Let moms do it. So he goes off, and he starts to hang out with some of his friends, and he wants a little bit more guy time. So he goes out, might get get coffee, may go play basketball, work out with his buddies, go hang out, go to a trip, whatever they're gonna do. Go play, you know, couple of rounds of golf.

Steve Alessi:
And that's great because he needs his man time. And the wife usually looks at the man early on. She's like, wait. You're just gonna leave me? And she wants his presence. Yeah. K? Then you're married 10 years. And I'll tell you, if if if a couple can get through 10 years, we've always said it. There's something about that magic number 10.

Steve Alessi:
Get them past 10 years Yep. And they got a great chance of surviving.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Then 10 years go by, and the guy's like, you know what? This is good. Kids are still growing up because their kids now, 10 years old, you know, 8, 9, 10 years old. And now they're probably doing things for the kids. So they're gonna go to the game together because the kids playing, you know, football or they're playing football basketball league. They're getting involved in dance or whatever. So they have to go together as a couple. And then another 10 years go by. Now you're married 20 years.

Steve Alessi:
The kids are grown up, and this is the weird thing that I'm finding with men, at least the guys that I start to hang out with more and more. The longer we're with you women, the less we wanna be away from you. We it's like we become addicted.

Mary Alessi:
You are obsessed with me.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. It's terrible. I don't even wanna go hang out without you.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
You get up out of bed in the morning. I'm like, I can't let her go in there. I gotta go hang out in the car and have the living room coffee.

Mary Alessi:
Can I have 5 minutes?

Steve Alessi:
I'm telling what shifted? Why? Don't know. It's terrible.

Mary Alessi:
I I don't like

Steve Alessi:
having to be so dependent on you.

Mary Alessi:
I it's it's a burden sometimes.

Steve Alessi:
I'm telling you, baby. I used to be so strong on

Mary Alessi:
my own. To be such an independent.

Steve Alessi:
Gosh. But, babe, it it's like the lord knows.

Mary Alessi:
The king needs his queen.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, man. And the longer you stay at this thing together true.

Mary Alessi:
Something happens.

Steve Alessi:
If it says the 2 become 1 They do. You can't turn around and pull the 2 back apart.

Mary Alessi:
Ugh. I could cry. Give me those tissues over there. That's the truth.

Steve Alessi:
We think we're so strong.

Mary Alessi:
I heard a

Steve Alessi:
No. We find ourselves, no, we need to hang out with our wives.

Mary Alessi:
I heard a comedian this week say and this is the total opposite of what you're saying because the what we're offering is what what we believe. But this comedian said that he was talking to his grandma who was married for, like, 62 years, and he said, how did y'all make it? He goes she goes, well, the 1st year was lust. The 1st 7 years is devotion because you're committed to make it work. After that, it's just spite.

Steve Alessi:
You just stay together just because you you won't prove everybody wrong.

Mary Alessi:
Wanna prove everybody wrong, you're gonna stay together for spite.

Steve Alessi:
My gosh.

Mary Alessi:
But, you know, there's something about your personalities getting intertwined with each other the longer you're married, and you do become a beautiful codependent on one another.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And especially when kids are involved. Mhmm. And if you can just stay in it no matter what.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
The 35 year mark, that 40 year mark, it's something else.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
It's not just marriage.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
It's something else. And what I find so amazing is, like, for that 15 year mark of wanting to understand you and, you know, I want him to feel like he's a king and I'm his queen. All of that understanding and study and trying it at home to see, you just get to a place when you serve one another like that, like, really trying to uncover and discover and serve one another. You just get to a place where you're like

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
We're here.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You know, I get permission to be me. You get permission to be you.

Steve Alessi:
Don't quit trying to change each other.

Mary Alessi:
Even the things I used to not be able to handle, I hated them.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
It's like, that's Steve.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It's just so different when he made it.

Steve Alessi:
Though, because the the the role that I play in the household, I find myself when I'm given the opportunity to take my place that I look around and because I really want peace Yeah. I want peace in the kingdom. Right. You know, every king does. He he doesn't wanna have to go to battle every day. He wants peace in the kingdom. What I find myself thinking is, okay. I can create some havoc in the kingdom if I'm not doing this.

Steve Alessi:
Right. So I find myself looking at you sometimes, and I'm like, you know what? I wanna help her. I wanna help her today. I wanna there's certain certain things you do around the household that I'm not gonna touch. I'm just gonna let you do it because I have my things. You know? It's kinda like funny in the morning. I get up, go

Mary Alessi:
You have your things.

Steve Alessi:
Do my deal, go take care of the dogs, get them out, chickens, food, everything's cool, come back in, hit that little button, start my coffee, go brush my teeth, come back out, sit down, and

Mary Alessi:
we're gonna connect. Routine every day.

Steve Alessi:
The routine. Alright?

Mary Alessi:
Every day.

Steve Alessi:
Yep. And then you get up and you go to the bathroom, and you're responsible for making the bed.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. We have our things.

Steve Alessi:
If I come back in, bed's not made. I see you over there doing it. Now listen. I could say that's her job. I'm not gonna touch the bed. Yeah. Because I just took care of my job. But the more I look at my kingdom and I want peace, it's like, you know what? Let's go over and help.

Mary Alessi:
You do.

Steve Alessi:
Take care of things that she usually takes care of, but I just wanna contribute now because I love the peace Yeah. That we have in the kingdom. Comes a time where husbands and wives, men, women is yes. They have their roles. Those roles are so important. Yeah. But more than anything, those roles cannot compare to having just peace.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And what I saw on the guys last night, what I saw in that picture with AP that he posts is is guys that are at peace with their place in life. Yep. And when a man is at peace taking his role as that leader in the home, you just see that peace spreading through others that are part of the family.

Mary Alessi:
The the siblings, their their offspring, through through the the in laws that come into the family, to their children. A patriarch is a very powerful weapon. When you have a patriarch in the family, it's like saying, you love the Dolphins. Right? You love them even when they're losing. You on whenever they play, you put their jersey on. How many years have you watched the Dolphins play? Mhmm. They are your team. That coach is your coach.

Mary Alessi:
Tua is your quarterback. That is your team. They represent you. You represent them. There is a family pride. Even if they're losing, you you are devoted to that team.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that is that is something quite frankly, that's a man thing.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
That's a man thing. Yeah. Men bring that. And every woman, every mother, every son, every daughter wants to be a part of that tribe or that pride. I mean, in the in the Sahara Desert or in the safari in the Africa, it's a pride. Mhmm. The lions have a pride.

Steve Alessi:
King of the jungle.

Mary Alessi:
The king of the jungle. And that's the the that picture, if every man could get that picture for his own life and say, I am going to be the king of my domain. I'm gonna have a queen in my life. Now we're gonna start off as a prince and a princess, but we're gonna get there

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And serve one another. When you do get to that king era, you talked about kingdom, you used the word kingdom. Men naturally, at a certain age in their life, 55 and over, they get home, and the first thing they wanna do, they need a few minutes, they wanna survey their kingdom. And when they have a wife at home that understands that

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Give them

Mary Alessi:
a minute.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. They're

Mary Alessi:
surveying their kingdom. It just makes them feel seen and heard, and they will rise to the occasion. They'll rise to the occasion for their wife, for their son, for their daughter, and then that daughter-in-law who doesn't have a dad Mhmm. He gets to adopt her in to that fatherly covering that she doesn't even know she needs desperately.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That's the picture that people don't have painted early enough in their lives. Mhmm. That this is coming. It's coming for you. Yep. And if you will take it in the seed form, sow those seeds, plant it, talk to you and your wife about listen to this podcast and say, how can we start adopting this mindset now? Getting around couples that are 15 20 years in this longer than you Yeah. That have a healthy Mhmm. Relationship.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, if we can see that a man does his best when he's taking his place, that does eliminate some of the arguments in the friction in the home. Yeah. A buddy that we hung out with, I won't mention his name, but we were, fishing. And we had gone out early in the morning, and you were hanging out with his wife. And so it was the guys, we went out early. We're low on gas. We hadn't caught a thing.

Steve Alessi:
We go back in to get gas. And I said, let's go let's go back out. He's like, I gotta ask my wife. I'm like, wait a minute. You have to ask your wife. I thought he was joking. He's like, no. I I I need to ask her because, you know, we've been gone for 4 hours, 5 hours, and I I I need to see if it's okay.

Steve Alessi:
And it was so funny to me because, again, that's the guy who used to be so strong. Everything they did to get he was the guy, the voice. We're going here. We're doing this. We're doing that. But he got so comfortable Yeah. In his role

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Because his wife encouraged him to take his role, and he was man enough to step up and take his role that he's even willing to relinquish certain aspects of control.

Mary Alessi:
Because he doesn't have to fight for it.

Steve Alessi:
He doesn't have to fight for it.

Mary Alessi:
He doesn't have to demand it. He's not going to. His ego is not gonna let him. But when a woman sets him up, when his wife says, I love you. You love me. We wanna be together, but you can make decisions.

Steve Alessi:
You know what you women are like?

Mary Alessi:
Grown man.

Steve Alessi:
Y'all are like the black widow. I don't even know how to explain what the black widow spider does, but you are, like, so sweet as time goes on. You know? We start to get around you, and we think we have our independence. And then all of a sudden, we're stuck in your web. Our secret's out. And we can't live without you later in life.

Mary Alessi:
Girls, you need to get this.

Steve Alessi:
Oh my gosh. It oh, that that's tough. But fight for some of this stuff, and some guys will never take their place in the home, Mary. And they miss out on the joy of finding the peace later on where now you don't have to fight for everything. Fight for okay. Here's what you're gonna have to fight against. You're gonna have to fight against the the culture that tells you to take your place in the whole home, gentlemen. You you gotta be abusive.

Steve Alessi:
Right. Alright? Strong is one thing. Being abusive is another. No. So they say you they wanna say if you're too strong, you become abusive. So you relinquish your role. Nope. Be strong

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
In your way with your unique personality. Be strong because the strength is what helps you with authority in the home. Alright? It's not how loud you scream. It's not how aggressive you can be. It's just how strong you can be. Yes. And when you take your place through strength because you're strong, alright, you may not be the most talkative in the family. You you you may not be the guy that's always out in front, but if you're strong, then that's gonna help you take your place.

Steve Alessi:
Then you're gonna have to fight against what culture is telling you to do. Your kids should feel comfortable

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Coming to talk to you. If your kids don't, you're gonna have to, again, exercise a certain kind of strength to make yourself a little uncomfortable and have conversation with your kids. Yeah. Some of our kids in our in our household can talk to me face to face about everything. We've got 1 or 2 that don't, and I have to go ask Yes. And go try to build that rapport and that relationship and be willing to try to talk at their level so we can just have dialogue. That's helping me form such a relationship with them that then when the time comes, and I need to have dialogue to help them navigate through some things, we have that dialogue. But some men just don't step into that role.

Steve Alessi:
They're like, well, that's up to the mom. That's up to the wife. Right. She handles the kids. You you don't have a family without kids.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And a strong family requires great communication. So you take your place of strength, and then you're also willing to exercise your role of responsibilities in the home. And your first priority has to be the wife. Yeah. You and I have to make sure at all times we are on the same page. Yeah. And when we get off the same page, we sit down, we talk about it, may have to shift some things, we wrestle through it all. But you and I know we have to be on the same page first.

Steve Alessi:
You can't treat our kids any better than you think I'm treating them. No. Because I'm not treating them right. You've gotta go and compensate them.

Mary Alessi:
It undermines it undermines the family.

Steve Alessi:
You can't go behind my back if I'm telling them to do something a certain way. And even maybe strong about it, you can't go in there and say, well, listen. That's just your father. That's a terrible phrase. That's just your father.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
No. Father's right here. You have to get this right.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
You you said something about a culture of our work environment. I love what you said. Because people were not showing up on time. And the first thing you said to the person was, well, who has allowed tardiness in the culture?

Mary Alessi:
That's it.

Steve Alessi:
You didn't say, let me think about, oh, how hard it is for the person that's trying to get here on time. You said no. Who is allowed tardiness in the culture? You immediately went to the culture of the of the organization.

Mary Alessi:
That's

Steve Alessi:
it. And it's the same in the family. You can't be saying, oh, dad is this. Oh, you know dad. Right. Oh, you know he can be hard sometimes. Oh, you he's mean or he's not gonna pay attention to you or no. You're like, no.

Steve Alessi:
The culture in our household is dad

Mary Alessi:
That's it.

Steve Alessi:
Is the head.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And you're gonna have to deal with that. Get it right.

Mary Alessi:
Yep. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because you have to submit to your father.

Mary Alessi:
I love that. And the picture I'm getting in my mind as you're sharing this is that marriage is like a waltz. It's like a dance. Some some have to step up, some have to step back, but only one can lead. Mhmm. You gotta have a leader to dance appropriately.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that's what marriage is. Husband and wife. One takes the lead or it's a ugly dance. It's an ugly picture. You won't get the rhythm. The rhythm won't come. And I think that's where we are today in our marriage. We're in the sweetest rhythm we've ever been in.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But but it's because we died to our own ways Right. And we we stepped up when we were supposed to step step up, and we stepped back when we were supposed to step back. Mhmm. But at the end of the day, you're the head of our household.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And there's a privilege that comes with that with the responsibility.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And, gratefully, we're able to balance that out. And there are times I need you to step in and help me. Yeah. I come to you, Mary. How can I say this to the kids? I'm so stinking dependent on you. What in the world has happened?

Mary Alessi:
Same.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. I I gotta be careful here because god's supposed to be the one. I'm totally You

Mary Alessi:
need to put me on the altar.

Steve Alessi:
I'm a have to do that.

Mary Alessi:
This is not healthy for you.

Steve Alessi:
No. It's not. But it's fun. Let's keep it fun. Alright. That's it. I hope we have confused the life out of you. So take your role, gentlemen.

Steve Alessi:
We applaud you when you do so. You're gonna be so much happier in the future.

Mary Alessi:
That's good.

Steve Alessi:
Hope you enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis. Thanks for joining us.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with Vialessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business.