House Rules: How to Set a Family Culture that Empowers and Protects Your Kids | S6 E19

Mary Alessi [00:00:00]:
My honestly, I had not connected those dots. I was so innocent and I remember feeling so violated. I was so mortified. I went in. I started crying. I went to the bathroom. I changed back into my cool lots cool lots. Look that up.

Mary Alessi [00:00:26]:
Well, hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. I am Mary Alessi, and I have the ginormous privilege to be in the podcast booth with my husband of 36 years, the reverend. No. I'm joking. Steve Alessi.

Steve Alessi [00:00:43]:
Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:00:44]:
We're in this room together today. We have something really cool we wanna talk about.

Steve Alessi [00:00:49]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:00:49]:
And, I just wanna say this right off the bat to get some of the formalities out of the way. We have some incredible merch, which is t shirts, hoodies, hats, really cool stuff, coasters. And if you like our podcast, we hope you do. Please help us moved some of this merch. We don't have a lot of it left, but we do have some. And here's the best part. It is now linked to our YouTube page. So if you're listening to this, watching this, all you have do is click the link, and it will take you right to all the product page where you could just put the size in you want and order it.

Mary Alessi [00:01:20]:
Hey. It's great stocking stuffers. And you've got what? Like, 10 months to figure it out. I'm just saying, you know, I've always got Christmas on the brain. Yeah. Get ahead of the game. Buy some of this, family business podcast merch, and I love that it advertises the family.

Steve Alessi [00:01:35]:
So if

Mary Alessi [00:01:35]:
you're about family

Steve Alessi [00:01:36]:
Oh, good.

Mary Alessi [00:01:37]:
Wear one of these shirts. Family is everybody's business. Mhmm. And where we are today in our culture, we really knew need to start focusing on our families. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:01:47]:
When somebody asks you about what is the family business, tell them about the podcast.

Mary Alessi [00:01:51]:
It's a podcast, and it's helping you, and it's making your family better.

Steve Alessi [00:01:56]:
Well, I'm I got a bad habit. What? You know, this is one of those habits I thought I would try to resolve in the new year, But I'm not doing too good. What is it? Fighting my lip.

Mary Alessi [00:02:06]:
You know, you yes. You do that.

Steve Alessi [00:02:09]:
Have you noticed that? Yeah. More and more.

Mary Alessi [00:02:11]:
Is it a nervous thing? Are you focusing on something?

Steve Alessi [00:02:14]:
It just feels good. Grab a little piece of that Don't. On the inside. You won't. Pull it right off. And

Mary Alessi [00:02:20]:
Yeah. But then you're gonna have problems later.

Steve Alessi [00:02:22]:
You know, I'll bet you a lot of people listening to our podcast right now are sitting there biting their lip and Yeah. When I brought that to their attention, they're like, my gosh.

Mary Alessi [00:02:31]:
Me too.

Steve Alessi [00:02:33]:
Because all of us that bite our lip are saying, we gotta stop.

Mary Alessi [00:02:35]:
Yeah. I've been my nails for years. I don't mind them anymore.

Steve Alessi [00:02:39]:
That's true.

Mary Alessi [00:02:40]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:02:40]:
You did when we were married.

Mary Alessi [00:02:42]:
I was nervous. You were nervous before we got married,

Steve Alessi [00:02:45]:
and then I we that that I healed you of that.

Mary Alessi [00:02:48]:
Oh, you did it. Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:02:50]:
Tranquility. Mary, you introed our program today because you have a great Subject that you think we should be talking about. And so let me do a little groundwork here. It's Go

Mary Alessi [00:03:02]:
for it.

Steve Alessi [00:03:02]:
We're talking about vision this Particular year Yeah. How important it is to our lives to have not just a New Year's resolution, but

Mary Alessi [00:03:10]:
vision. Vision.

Steve Alessi [00:03:11]:
And and vision is what you see Yeah. Yourself being in the future.

Mary Alessi [00:03:16]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:03:17]:
Could be a year. You know, I'm I'm not a 5 year guy, but recently, I've started thinking In terms of 5 years from now, what do I want my life to look like? Start to lay that out. Start to like a puzzle. Put put the sides of it together, the end pieces altogether, and start figuring out how you're gonna fit that in. What do you want your Your relationship with your spouse to look like? What do you want your relationship with your kids, your friends? What do you want? Your career, your money, All that, your health, you'd start to lay that out because you are in control of your tomorrow. You really are. So We're talking about that, having a vision for yourself, but you had a thought That would run right in line that if you're gonna have a vision for yourself and your family, then part of that vision should include this. Take it away.

Mary Alessi [00:04:14]:
What is the culture of your family?

Steve Alessi [00:04:16]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:04:16]:
What is not just the vision that you have, you wish your family looked like, you would like for your family to look like? What is the everyday culture? What do you know as a mom, maybe you're a single mom or even a single dad. There's a lot of singles out there. Lot of our listeners are single. Could you sit back and say, even without a spouse in your life, you are setting this culture? We are a family that eats together, or we're a family that affirms one another, or we're a family that we not your not your earthly culture, meaning your lineage. Oh, well, we're Cuban or or we're Italian. Right. Yes. That's that's obviously Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:04:53]:
You have those cultures. But what is the culture behind the walls of your home from the morning when you wake up to the evening Mhmm. That you can say is part of the culture or is the culture of your family. And it doesn't have to be something so huge, but it needs to be something that your children can point back to and say, in my home, my dad always required this.

Steve Alessi [00:05:18]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:05:19]:
I know in our home, our kids will tell you as they're all raised, but we still got 2 that live at home now and they're young adults that you were always extremely on top of them about neatness. Very much like the culture of our home, you try to do the one touch rule, which is very hard folks, but it helps tremendously brings all the anxiety down and the stress levels down. But it like the kitchen sink. Don't leave anything in the kitchen sink overnight. Wash it, dry it, put it away. I never thought of that as part of the culture of our home. It was a nuisance for me because you would get upset and it would bothered the girls and I'm like, I'll just do it. We have somebody coming to clean, but you would make that part of your your rules.

Mary Alessi [00:06:03]:
Like every night girls, we are not pigs. We've spent a lot of money in this home, and we're gonna value this home, and this house needs to look clean all the time. All those things were true. Now that they're young adults, 2 of them have their own homes. They're living by that same rule just automatically.

Steve Alessi [00:06:19]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:06:19]:
That culture of cleanliness and tidiness benefits their own marriages. And here's what it does. It's brought down the temperature of their own young marriages

Steve Alessi [00:06:31]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:06:31]:
Because one of the things that creates chaos is who's the messy one, who's the clean clean.

Steve Alessi [00:06:35]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:35]:
Now that's just one example.

Steve Alessi [00:06:37]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:06:37]:
But there's there's many examples along the way of us raising our kids

Steve Alessi [00:06:41]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:42]:
That we have set a culture of that today, we couldn't do what we do without it.

Steve Alessi [00:06:49]:
Yeah. You know, you say it, and the thought about That being part of a vision for my life

Mary Alessi [00:06:56]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:06:57]:
Is important. Sure. And and some people don't even think about it because every home does have a culture. Yeah. And if you don't set the culture, I bet you, culture's setting the culture.

Mary Alessi [00:07:06]:
Will.

Steve Alessi [00:07:07]:
And that's A culture that you may want in your home

Mary Alessi [00:07:11]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:11]:
Where you will allow the outside influence of that worldly culture, more carnal culture, To be the culture of your home. Yeah. But you should be able to set that. You should be thinking, like, There's 2 kinds of people. There's people that set the temperature like a thermostat or there's people that, gauge the temperature

Mary Alessi [00:07:37]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:37]:
Like a thermometer.

Mary Alessi [00:07:39]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:07:39]:
Right. Which you what is that in your home? Are you a thermometer of person where all you do is just kinda react to what the environment is, or are you the Thermostat person that says, no. We're setting the temperature to this. Good. That fan's on, and it's gonna be cool, and it's going to create this Environment

Mary Alessi [00:08:01]:
And don't touch it. For our family. That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:08:04]:
When you start thinking in terms of let me set the culture. Let my spouse and I, my kids and I, we're gonna set a culture

Mary Alessi [00:08:13]:
Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:08:14]:
In our home. Yes. But you're acting like the thermostat, Not the thermometer.

Mary Alessi [00:08:19]:
And it might be, which is I hope everybody pulled over and wrote that down because that is that's it right there. That's what culture means. You set it in motion and you work every day to set that culture consistently every day. Yeah. Some people have come out of families where the culture was screaming, yelling loud, always dramatic. You know, mom and dad were always contentious. And when they got married, they said, I will not take that into my home. Our culture the culture of my family and my wife and I, we're going to be peaceful.

Mary Alessi [00:08:57]:
We're going to talk things out. And that's important to not take bad culture and bad habits from maybe the way you were raised into your family. Mhmm. And some people don't even know they can do that because what we've learned becomes automatic. It just comes out of us. But you can. You can make a decision. No disrespect mom and dad.

Mary Alessi [00:09:19]:
But that's not the culture that I want for my family moving forward, and we're going to have a a covenant we signed with one another. We're gonna talk things out. Mhmm. Now that does not mean that getting upset and yelling once in a while means you've ruined your culture. We're all human. But that's very, very normal. I came from a family

Steve Alessi [00:09:36]:
where There you go.

Mary Alessi [00:09:37]:
They never yelled, never talked about issues. We did communicate. My father was a brilliant communicator. And yet at the end of the day, he was a closeted alcoholic who was always trying to pressed his feelings and suppressed conflict.

Steve Alessi [00:09:49]:
And humor was used Humor to stay away from

Mary Alessi [00:09:53]:
the issues.

Steve Alessi [00:09:54]:
He would sweep. We all we When we were newly married, we'd always have this kind of debate, which was really an argument. I'd say, no. You'd say, you're so loud. You guys you guys

Mary Alessi [00:10:06]:
you know? You don't con yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:10:08]:
And I'd say, yeah. But you guys are quiet, and you just sweep it all into the carpet.

Mary Alessi [00:10:12]:
Which we did. And it's saying culture

Steve Alessi [00:10:15]:
in your family.

Mary Alessi [00:10:15]:
It was what I thought because I was a peacekeeper, that that was a healthy culture. It was not a healthy culture because there was never any ability to really speak truth in love or otherwise. You couldn't speak it at all. Yeah. And my mother certainly tried because she is if if anybody that knows my mom, she is a truth caller outer.

Steve Alessi [00:10:37]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:10:38]:
She does not mess around, but she wasn't able to do that with my dad and their marriage ended in divorce. But what I loved about my mom even up after the divorce, she did not let that affect what we believed and the culture of our relationship with her.

Steve Alessi [00:10:52]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:10:52]:
And that's the point. It's really your belief system that you're going to set in motion for your family, this is who we are. This is what we do. As for me and my house, this is who we are. Your family, yes. They were tying, and your mom was Irish, and they were more hot blooded. And they went through things too. They went through very difficult marriage crisis like mine did.

Mary Alessi [00:11:14]:
Mhmm. But they survived it.

Steve Alessi [00:11:15]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:16]:
And that was such a huge moment for me where I took pride in thinking, oh, my parents never fought and we were so calm and we were we were all so more in our heads and we could we could have a decent conversation and and really work it out, but we never really worked it out. Mhmm. It never ever ever got resolved. Saw the culture of my family, although there was a culture of singing, we were singers, you know

Steve Alessi [00:11:42]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:42]:
And there was a culture of funniness. Our our family was super funny

Steve Alessi [00:11:46]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:46]:
And they still are.

Steve Alessi [00:11:47]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:48]:
My dad's in heaven, but a lot of him still lives on in that culture that he set that was healthy.

Steve Alessi [00:11:53]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:54]:
But that was one very unhealthy cultural strand

Steve Alessi [00:11:58]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:58]:
That led to their divorce that we said, my sisters and I, we will not take that.

Steve Alessi [00:12:03]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:04]:
This and this and this, we're gonna take. The humor, the fun, the music, those types of things.

Steve Alessi [00:12:10]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:10]:
But we're not that ain't coming with us.

Steve Alessi [00:12:12]:
Well, that culture ultimately is what took his life.

Mary Alessi [00:12:16]:
It took his life.

Steve Alessi [00:12:16]:
Because he had this secret thing going on with drugs and behind the, you know

Mary Alessi [00:12:22]:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:12:22]:
The scenes and He was

Mary Alessi [00:12:23]:
very knew

Steve Alessi [00:12:24]:
it, and it was really tough.

Mary Alessi [00:12:25]:
Yeah, was in a lot of pain.

Steve Alessi [00:12:26]:
Here's an example of somebody wanting to set culture, and this just happened. I heard it last night while I was at my counseling session with the guys. He was saying to me, and he's one of the leaders here at the church. He was saying, pastor, I listen to the podcast Well, you and your pastor friend, Steve Age, were talking about offense. And you were you were talking, coming at it from a man's perspective. And he says, you know, I took my daughters to school after hearing that, and I made them listen to that podcast. Wow. He says, here's why.

Steve Alessi [00:13:09]:
Because they were, Starting to buy into this aggressive male Yep. Image Yes. As being, abusive. Abusive. Yes. Okay.

Mary Alessi [00:13:25]:
It's terrible.

Steve Alessi [00:13:26]:
Putting the strong man Yep. Down and Down with the patriarchy. And embrace the Feminized man. Yeah. Yes. The one that, you know, would sit down and play tea party with the girls and how precious that was and The whole Barbie syndrome that's out there that, you know, here, man's gotta take a back seat to the glitz and the glamour of the Pink. The pink

Mary Alessi [00:13:52]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:13:53]:
Barbie. And so he was having a problem with that because anytime, he would get a little strong with someone in the family. The girls the daughters would become Protective and defensive of that. Right. But they didn't want him being that strong. And and I told him, listen. I got it because you're living with girls. I'm living with girls right now.

Steve Alessi [00:14:18]:
And if you're not careful, the hormones Yeah. Of all of that could neuter you as a man.

Mary Alessi [00:14:23]:
So true.

Steve Alessi [00:14:23]:
Because you're You're operating afraid that they're gonna be hurt at you and mad at you, and then they don't understand that An aggressive man is even I'm talking getting a little aggressive. A little aggressive man is the good thing.

Mary Alessi [00:14:39]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:14:40]:
Not abusive no. No. No. But aggressive But aggressive is not Aggressive is strong. Embrace that strength.

Mary Alessi [00:14:46]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:14:46]:
Don't be abusive with your words or with your behavior. Alright. So he's saying, I'm trying to show them. No. No. This is what real men do. So he made them listen to that podcast

Mary Alessi [00:14:57]:
Good for him.

Steve Alessi [00:14:59]:
To show them, no. This is how men think. Yes. What was he doing? He's making sure he's setting the thermostat.

Mary Alessi [00:15:07]:
That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:15:07]:
The culture of the home is going to be, we understand a man's role as the strength and strong leader that he should be, And we understand the woman's role as someone who is just as strong

Mary Alessi [00:15:20]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:15:21]:
But was strong in her place, and he's strong in his place.

Mary Alessi [00:15:25]:
That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:15:25]:
And he's setting the culture. That needs to be part of your vision plan. It may not happen this month, may not happen this year. But if you start working on what you feel are the good, healthy, I would even say righteous Yeah. Actions of the family. You you put those in place. And over the next 5 years, you'll start to see this is a culture that is set in our home.

Mary Alessi [00:16:00]:
And the reason that dad needs to do that is because those girls are going to want and need an aggressive husband, a strong leading husband. And that's what I think is family, we don't always understand. And we lose sight along the way that those cultures helped create an expectation in our kids for what they're looking for.

Steve Alessi [00:16:19]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:16:20]:
What our daughters are looking for in their future and what our sons are looking for in their future.

Steve Alessi [00:16:23]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:16:24]:
You know, there's a lot of cultures out there, India's culture. Gosh, a lot of them. I'm not gonna keep naming countries, but where they prearrange marriages. And the families work together to raise their daughters and raise their sons knowing that they will one day be prearranged. They might know each other growing up because the community is so strong and so tight. They're preserving that culture. And what they have found is Steve. And I've watched the movies on Netflix and it's amazing.

Mary Alessi [00:16:55]:
Is that the marriage rate well, let's put it this way. The divorce rate is almost nil in their culture.

Steve Alessi [00:17:01]:
Why?

Mary Alessi [00:17:02]:
Because they have vetted, prearranged, raised their kids with an understanding and an honor of that culture.

Steve Alessi [00:17:09]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:17:09]:
That even if they got married and they weren't, like, totally over head over heels in love with each other, they became in love with one another and their marriages lasted

Steve Alessi [00:17:17]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:17:18]:
Because they were raised with the same values in the same culture

Steve Alessi [00:17:23]:
Huge.

Mary Alessi [00:17:23]:
And you and I both know that once all the hormones wear off and the honeymoon's gone, what makes you fall in love with each other more? When I really started to truly understand that I loved you wasn't even the day we got married. It was knowing when we started having kids that you had not only the same values, you were gonna lead in that area. Culturally setting the home where our kids were gonna go to church. No if, ands, or buts. We had the same value system about dating. So many things that lined up because our parents had raised us with the culture of Mhmm. Church is not an option. Just that helped us so tremendously.

Mary Alessi [00:18:01]:
So even though we weren't prearranged, we kind of were in some ways when our parents our parents knew each other and hope that it would get together. The point is and we did. They manipulated a tiny bit. But anyway, we did find each other and we fell in love more and deeper as we started taking those same cultural values. The ones that mattered, Not the yelling or not yelling, but the ones that really mattered that we were able to springboard off of carry because we saw them work with us. We were the testimonies Yeah. That that works, that we are the evidence. That culture works in our family, and we are going to apply that.

Mary Alessi [00:18:41]:
And what made our marriage so much stronger is we were on the same page about that.

Steve Alessi [00:18:44]:
Mary, you're you're probably making an argument in a case That is backed up by statistics. I'll bet you there are more marriages staying together that share the common Values

Mary Alessi [00:18:59]:
They are.

Steve Alessi [00:19:00]:
That ultimately become the culture of the whole. That that's glue.

Mary Alessi [00:19:03]:
Yeah. It's

Steve Alessi [00:19:04]:
glue. You know, Coming together, marriage, that's not easy. This is very challenging. Yeah. It's 2 streams. Yeah. If you've ever seen 2 Streams be joined into 1. You see how violent it is, how much water over sprays and just splashes It fights.

Steve Alessi [00:19:21]:
What a mess it is. That's what marriage is. When you bring 2 people together, something's gotta keep them together. Right. And it's most of the time, it's cultural values That they've been able to embrace.

Mary Alessi [00:19:34]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:34]:
Now my sister, Darlene, she married Robin, Robin Rivera. Robin had a A Puerto Rican culture that he was raised in, Darlene had more of a Italian American culture that she was raised in. What was interesting, And I believe this happens pretty much played out more so than we realize is 1 partner takes on the culture of the other. Right. And most of the time, the woman will take on the culture of the husband because she wants to please the husband. And how do you please the husband? Through the stomach. Sure. So my sister, Darlene, when it comes times to cook, she's she, most of the time, will cook food That Robin has been raised in in his Puerto Rican culture.

Steve Alessi [00:20:17]:
That right there has become part of their home. That's just the food aspect of it.

Mary Alessi [00:20:22]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:20:22]:
So that pleases him. When he's pleased, it's a happy home. That just shows the power of Knowing your culture and being able to agree on what the culture of your home is going to be like. What you don't want Is the mixture of all these different things that you see happening in society, And you're not able to say this is the one that we will abide by in a home. This attitude, this belief, This lifestyle, this is what we're going to believe in and we're gonna we're gonna emphasize in our home. Right. And the other, That's for somebody else. It's like when I was growing up and I had this buddy down the street, David Stein.

Steve Alessi [00:21:05]:
David Stein always would travel with his parents, and they'd go to places. And I'd go over and say to my mom and dad, listen. Can I go to so and so with David? No. You can't. Why? Because you can't. I don't want you to. And I'd say, but David's able to do it. David's father lets him do it.

Steve Alessi [00:21:19]:
Right. And my dad and mom would always say, well, then go to David and be let David's father be your father, But I'm not your father into my home.

Mary Alessi [00:21:27]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:21:27]:
This is how we act. This is what we do. And so

Mary Alessi [00:21:30]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:21:30]:
It's setting culture. It's healthy for your kids. If you're a parent

Mary Alessi [00:21:37]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:21:37]:
It's healthy for you to set the culture. Lot of people though in our society are letting the kids set the culture in the home.

Mary Alessi [00:21:44]:
Well, that is becoming a norm that is way more outrageous than we even realize even amongst Christians who believe that we're counterculture. Right? We're seeing it within our churches, within our young people, young girls. Gabby and I did a a podcast that you'll hear about about the TikTok craze that's going on to 11 year old girls that are in Sephora buying makeup. And the culture of our home was you're not wearing makeup right now.

Steve Alessi [00:22:15]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:22:16]:
And At what age

Steve Alessi [00:22:17]:
did we let them start?

Mary Alessi [00:22:18]:
Oh, maybe 13, 14, and then just lip lip gloss a little bit of mascara, but then they hated it.

Steve Alessi [00:22:24]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:22:24]:
They hated makeup. But the problem with not having a game plan and a culture, this is what we want to raise our children under with as for our family, this is what we do. What you leave your children open to is anything will do.

Steve Alessi [00:22:41]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:22:41]:
And then you're fighting little fires every single day, and you haven't begun to fight until you fight a middle schooler. And then your next big war is gonna be a teenager.

Steve Alessi [00:22:51]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:22:52]:
So when you said it young and said it early and have those conversations, hey, your friends might wear makeup. We are not doing that. You have to be a certain age. That is not even a negotiable. It is a non negotiable. Why? I don't understand. Because you will when you get there. This is the culture of our home.

Mary Alessi [00:23:11]:
And if everybody endorses that culture, you're gonna have harmony with each other. Not maybe not so much with your kids, but that's normal.

Steve Alessi [00:23:21]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:23:21]:
Where you don't want conflict is that mom and dad can't get on the same page.

Steve Alessi [00:23:26]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:23:26]:
That's so important. But you're gonna struggle with your children over the culture of your home.

Steve Alessi [00:23:30]:
Tell Let

Mary Alessi [00:23:31]:
me go ahead.

Steve Alessi [00:23:32]:
Tell the story about your jeans, the first time you wore jeans.

Mary Alessi [00:23:35]:
Oh, still. I was in 8th grade.

Steve Alessi [00:23:37]:
What happened?

Mary Alessi [00:23:37]:
Still mortified.

Steve Alessi [00:23:38]:
You weren't able to wear them?

Mary Alessi [00:23:39]:
And No. I dad was really strict about wearing Levi tight, you know, straight jeans. Yes. We had those back in the early eighties. Levi's and girls would wear them. They'd buy a size smaller to wear them really tight and then white t shirts and white tennis shoes. And I remember, man, I wanted to wear those jeans so bad. And my mom had bought me a pair, and they weren't even tight at all.

Mary Alessi [00:24:02]:
I don't even know what I thought. I had, like, the body of a 12 year old boy. But in my mind, I looked great. And I remember in my school, the bell would ring. You had to be out front. Everybody was in the school yard. The bell would ring and then everyone together would run up the front steps and into the classrooms. And as I'm running up the steps in my new jeans because what I did was

Steve Alessi [00:24:22]:
There you go.

Mary Alessi [00:24:22]:
I dressed one way

Steve Alessi [00:24:24]:
at home to school.

Mary Alessi [00:24:25]:
To go to school. And then when I got there early, I changed really quick, and I put those jeans on. Now the whole time, my twin sister, Martha, who was such a goody 2 shoes. You're gonna get in trouble. You're gonna see God's gonna get you. You were disobeying mom and dad, and I just did not understand the gravity of it. It was just jeans, and I wanted to look cool and fit in. And as I'm running up the stairs, some other high schooler probably younger than me grabs my rear end.

Mary Alessi [00:24:54]:
And at before that, I never thought that what anyone could even see my behind. But no one it was invisible to everyone. And it wasn't even in top of mind that I wanted anybody to see it. That was my those dots weren't even connected. It was just jeans. I wanted to look like my girlfriends. I wasn't even thinking that this got boy's attention. My honestly, I had not connected those dots.

Mary Alessi [00:25:15]:
I was so innocent. And I remember feeling so violated. I was so mortified. I went in. I started crying. I went to the bathroom. I changed back into my cool lots cool odds. Look that up.

Mary Alessi [00:25:29]:
And, my dad had just been no bag of jeans, no bag of jeans, no bag of jeans. And, man

Steve Alessi [00:25:36]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:25:36]:
It stayed with me for more reasons than not just all men are pigs.

Steve Alessi [00:25:41]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:25:41]:
That's not what I got out of it. What I got out of it was we had you know, I wanted to honor my mom and dad and I wanted to be obedient and I saw how in a split second, not staying within the culture and the confines of protection of my home could set me up for something I wasn't ready for.

Steve Alessi [00:25:57]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:25:58]:
And I never wore those pants again.

Steve Alessi [00:26:00]:
Yeah. Yeah. No. In your home, There was a culture that was set

Mary Alessi [00:26:06]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:26:07]:
About dress. Yeah. And some of our homes need to Embrace that today because too many parents are letting kids dress the wrong way way too young. Yes. And, most of the time, parent is feeling pressured from the outside. So, again, that's the whole thing. You let the outside culture create a culture in your home. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:26:26]:
That's not how it should be.

Mary Alessi [00:26:27]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:26:28]:
You you gotta set the culture that hopefully will allow your kids to combat the stuff that's in culture outside of your home because that stuff outside of our home as we're seeing more and more is unhealthy. And I think if we would, as a parent, Sit down, have a cup of coffee, pull out your laptop, your phone, get into your notes, and just start to write down 10. Yeah. Ten things that are valuable to you that are healthy, that Makes you happy, makes you secure. And if you look at those things, like, you know, acceptance of, You know, where everybody's at in their stage of life. Acceptance meaning, hey, I may be, good at this area of my life, And maybe I'm not that good at this area. I may be good in math, but, you know, maybe my English isn't that great. You know what? Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:27:25]:
I'm gonna work with the strengths.

Mary Alessi [00:27:26]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:27:27]:
A culture working with your kids' strengths and accepting those strengths And not having to compare them against one another or someone else, that should be something that is in the home. In our home, I look at all 4 of our kids' strengths, And I'm thankful that each of them have strengths, and I want them to know that's what we're gonna emphasize with you

Mary Alessi [00:27:50]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:27:50]:
Is your strength because they're gonna be happier When they're being affirmed rather than constantly being corrected

Mary Alessi [00:27:59]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:27:59]:
Or not so much corrected because a parent has to be there to correct kids. But comparing them

Mary Alessi [00:28:06]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:28:06]:
To other students or other kids

Mary Alessi [00:28:08]:
and they feel just they just feel criticized.

Steve Alessi [00:28:10]:
They they they don't they don't know their place. Their righteous behavior that we, as a church, as Christians, we believe in, There's certain things that, hey, in our home, we just don't cuss. Yeah. Hey. Out of the same mouth cannot come blessings and curse. We just don't do it.

Mary Alessi [00:28:26]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:28:26]:
Does one slip every so often when we're telling a joke or something? Yeah. But I'm not walking around dropping f bombs. Like, the we just don't talk that way. It's It's just rude. It's it's dishonoring. Yeah. Please, you you we spent too much on your education For you to speak like that, choose better words.

Mary Alessi [00:28:45]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:28:45]:
We don't do that. When it comes to hitting a a girl, I always told Chris, you know, he In our home, we just don't hit women. Mhmm. That's all let's do. Keep your hands to yourself. Actually, with Chris, I always told him, Chris, Talk your way out of fight. Don't bow up and think you gotta fight your way out of a fight. That was a culture that we were creating To to be able to be the bigger person in the moment Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:10]:
And turn the other cheek. And it's always best to to turn the other cheek because you can live another day, and Things like that that we held on to. You talk about our girls with their makeup. Wasn't gonna happen when they were too young. Yeah. Want them getting the wrong attention, which is you know, parents need to be aware of their kids' social media pages Because what those kids are doing and posting, you know, they're setting a culture of their lifestyle behavior.

Mary Alessi [00:29:40]:
Yeah. And and let me let me say this just quickly. We if we parent looking back now, when you parent with the messaging that I'm not letting you do this because other people, your prey. Your girls don't believe that. They're just too innocent too. Boys don't either. And one of the things that we talked about in this other episode is, tell your girls no because with makeup because acne, because it's a pain. You're gonna have to be wearing makeup a long long time.

Mary Alessi [00:30:11]:
And it's not always about someone that might victimize you. This is a personal value that you need to have for yourself because we're dealing in a time now. The things we say yes to in this culture. Now Cell phone, social media, everything you just hit. It is exacerbated and ramped up what could create so many insecurities in our children because they are comparing. So now setting the culture of no cell phones at the table, no cell phones after a certain time, all cell phones come in a room, that's part of the culture within the culture we're in. No makeup right now because you don't need it. It's not good for you.

Mary Alessi [00:30:46]:
It's not healthy for you. And it's more about I want to create a messaging within our family and we did this. It's about us. It's not always about somebody that's gonna come and get you. It's about us as a family. We're building the values. I'm trying to instill in you I and you daughter. That's why you're not gonna hit your sister.

Mary Alessi [00:31:09]:
This is a bigger thing than you realize.

Steve Alessi [00:31:12]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:12]:
Under our roof, this is how the Gomez's do things. The Martinez's do things. This is who we are. This is our family banner, and it's over the outside of our home. And when they leave that home, they take all that with them.

Steve Alessi [00:31:28]:
Yep. I've seen people create a Star Wars culture in their in their home. It's like everything's Star Wars. You got your kid that's got Star Wars posters all over their room, and they got characters and and everybody dressed up and yelling. Absolutely. That's like creating a culture for Star Wars. Well, what do you want your culture To look like. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:31:49]:
What do you want your kids to carry on? Which is one of the reasons why grandparents are so important. Having your grandparents come around quite a bit. Your grandparents can help you. Your parents can help you show point out some things that aren't healthy that they even saw in their generation.

Mary Alessi [00:32:05]:
Right. And

Steve Alessi [00:32:06]:
they can help a parent say, hey. Hey. That's not good to allow to seep into your home.

Mary Alessi [00:32:10]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:32:10]:
Hey. Growing up, Mary, 11 o'clock, I had to be in the house Yeah. When I was a stinking senior in high school. Even when I moved out, went to college and came back home. During the week, it was 11. On the weekend, it was 12. Yeah. And my mom and dad used to always say, my mom in particular, nothing good ever happens after midnight, son.

Mary Alessi [00:32:31]:
It's true.

Steve Alessi [00:32:32]:
And to this day, I sit there and say to my girls, I know they wanna stay out late, but, like, guys

Mary Alessi [00:32:36]:
pass that right on?

Steve Alessi [00:32:37]:
No. No.

Mary Alessi [00:32:38]:
Nothing good ever. Home.

Steve Alessi [00:32:40]:
Yeah. You're an adult, But in our home, you gotta be home at a certain time.

Mary Alessi [00:32:44]:
And it's it's rules that you've created in your home around

Steve Alessi [00:32:49]:
Excuse me. I just sneezed.

Mary Alessi [00:32:51]:
No sneezing in our home.

Steve Alessi [00:32:52]:
Go.

Mary Alessi [00:32:52]:
No sneezing. But it's rules that aren't, positioned as rules. There asked for me in my house. In our house, this is what we do. It doesn't have to be phrased as what we aren't allowed to do and what we don't do. It should be phrased a little bit more creatively. That's what culture is. What we get to do because we're Alessis, or what we get to do because we're Paul's.

Mary Alessi [00:33:18]:
You know, it's and I'm using names of people in the studio. That's the beautiful part of it as a even as a single mother, you don't have to give up the dream of having a culture for you and your son or you and your your 2 daughters I because the husband your their father's not in the home. You can have a culture within your home. The most beautiful think that this music to your ears is when you hear your kids say, mom, you always taught us.

Steve Alessi [00:33:42]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:33:43]:
And it's something good that's of value that they are using all their days in their marriages and raising their kids. Don't forfeit that

Steve Alessi [00:33:52]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:33:53]:
Because you've been divorced.

Steve Alessi [00:33:54]:
Alright. You started this great Podcast off. Why don't you bring it home?

Mary Alessi [00:33:59]:
I'm not good at closing.

Steve Alessi [00:34:01]:
Alright. Well, thank you for joining us today, and we hope you enjoyed our culture creating podcast here with the family business with the Alessis. Thanks for joining us.

Stephanie Muiña [00:34:14]:
We hope you enjoyed today's episode. Go ahead and subscribe to our YouTube channel. Like this video and click on the notifications bell So you can be notified for all of our future videos. And if you love today's topic, we have plenty more. And you can click on this link right here to watch All of our videos so you can learn why family is everybody's business.