How to Keep Romance in the Family Business [Season 1 Flashback] | S6 E20

Voiceover [00:00:00]:
You're listening to an encore presentation of one of our best of family business episodes. And because this is being released on a Valentine's Day holiday, we wanted to give you one of our most popular and transparent episodes where Steve and Marie Alessi talk about how they keep the romance in the family business. Enjoy.

Mary Alessi [00:00:29]:
Welcome to another episode of the Family Business Podcast With the Alessis, where we talk about things we cannot talk about on Sunday, and we love to talk about families being everybody's Business.

Steve Alessi [00:00:43]:
Very good, Marielle. I see.

Mary Alessi [00:00:45]:
It was a little. Not as good as you do it, but I did it.

Steve Alessi [00:00:48]:
So what are we gonna talk about today?

Mary Alessi [00:00:50]:
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Date night. Oh, really? Romance and marriage.

Steve Alessi [00:00:56]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:00:57]:
Are we gonna talk about that?

Steve Alessi [00:00:58]:
We are. This is actually the questions, Podcast where people are able to go in and send us questions.

Mary Alessi [00:01:05]:
These are some of the questions that they sent.

Steve Alessi [00:01:06]:
Answer some of the questions that they sent, and you can send us Some of those questions at the Alessi family business .com website.

Mary Alessi [00:01:14]:
That is really cool

Steve Alessi [00:01:15]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:01:15]:
That you could send your questions in. Because I've listened to a lot of podcasts that I don't necessarily like the topic they're talking about. And even though I like the person, like, this is really cool that we're doing this. Yeah. So if they have Questions. If you have questions, send them in.

Steve Alessi [00:01:27]:
We have active listeners. We do. It's really nice.

Mary Alessi [00:01:31]:
Very good. I love it. Very proud of what we're doing.

Steve Alessi [00:01:33]:
Yep. And, since we can't always, deal with these things on Sunday Yeah. Which is when we greet the crowd, we are able to do it right here during our podcast.

Mary Alessi [00:01:43]:
So Get into the nitty gritty of things.

Steve Alessi [00:01:45]:
This one's gonna focus now, because it's family, on the marriage k. On the relationship that you and I have. How we doing with that?

Mary Alessi [00:01:55]:
How how many years have we been married?

Steve Alessi [00:01:57]:
You tell me.

Mary Alessi [00:01:58]:
Is this 34? 34. Is that was that October? Yes. It's it's coming up on 34 in October, just a few months away. I think we're doing great.

Steve Alessi [00:02:06]:
Gosh. That's a lifetime.

Mary Alessi [00:02:08]:
More today than I did yesterday.

Steve Alessi [00:02:11]:
Yes. That was

Mary Alessi [00:02:12]:
the song from our wedding, but whatever.

Steve Alessi [00:02:14]:
Cool. So here's a question that somebody wants to ask us. Here's the question.

Mary Alessi [00:02:18]:
Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:02:18]:
Now remember, we work together. Oh, boy. We live together.

Mary Alessi [00:02:21]:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:02:22]:
Alright? All of it. And we got a nice sized family. For kids. Okay. Here's the question. What to do when family issues leak into your marriage?

Mary Alessi [00:02:32]:
Oh, boy. What do we do? What have we done? What

Steve Alessi [00:02:36]:
are some of the family issues that we have had to deal with over the years that have, Had the tendency to leak into our marriage?

Mary Alessi [00:02:43]:
Well, we've we've had parental issues that have leaked in when we first got married.

Steve Alessi [00:02:49]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:02:49]:
And even from great parents like we had, we had to learn to manage those.

Steve Alessi [00:02:53]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:02:54]:
Dealing with my mom and dad's divorce when we first got married was really hard.

Steve Alessi [00:02:58]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:02:59]:
My mom and I talk regularly when we get together about those years and how she had so many fears from her situation that she projected into my life, and she's been so open about how wrong that was. So there's, you know, been that.

Steve Alessi [00:03:13]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:03:14]:
I think, Also, just when you're raising kids, your perspective of how those kids should be raised Mhmm. Raising children is a real, Real mountain for for parents. That's when you that's when you really start to decide, even in the little things, if we agree on how we should raise these kids.

Steve Alessi [00:03:30]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:03:31]:
And then as they get older, oh, boy. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:03:33]:
And the stress of what we do in our business

Mary Alessi [00:03:37]:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:03:37]:
In the ministry Yeah. Running church, staff. Because we take everything that we do here, we take it home. So the question is, how do we keep it from leaking into our marriage? Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:03:49]:
I will say we've learned along the way. We did not get this from jump. We have figured it out along the way. We've and I like to say this whenever I'm on this podcast. We we stay in the seat of students and learners.

Steve Alessi [00:04:02]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:04:02]:
And we try never to reach this plateau that we know it all because and we aren't counselors psychologists, but we've learned a lot from ministry and watching what people do that we like, what people do that we're like, well, that don't work, And applying those things to our lives and for our relationship, we've had to do that in different categories even in working together, understanding that we communicate differently, completely differently. And I could say green and you hear red, And you could say blue and I hear pink. And we had to learn if we're gonna work together and be like minded in this, that there were certain roles that we had to fulfill. And I I can only speak for me. You cut me off at any time. When we first started the church together, I had a job downtown, and then we worked for your mom and dad. And I had the music, and you, you know, administrated the church. You were the co pastor with your dad.

Mary Alessi [00:04:57]:
But when we started our church together and we were the pastors, the expectations completely changed.

Steve Alessi [00:05:03]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:05:03]:
But I didn't get the memo. I didn't understand. Oh, your coffee's here. Oh, good. So I didn't get the memo that serving you coffee would have been a nice gesture. No. I'm just kidding. Marcus.

Steve Alessi [00:05:21]:
Is delivering coffee. The man. And he's gonna charge my computer here. Go forward.

Mary Alessi [00:05:27]:
And he's our number one fan. Did you know that? He's our top listener. He he is. Because our staff is forced to listen to our Podcast. Okay. While he's doing that and setting you up, we love you, Marcus. Thank you, sir. Say that working together, if I could go back and I Could have learned from my mistakes in the event of working together.

Mary Alessi [00:05:47]:
Oh, there's Ashley. Hi, Ashley. Oh. She's here too. It would probably be To be wife at home and coworker employee in the office And not try to be wife in the office. Yeah. That was really hard for me. I was so immature.

Mary Alessi [00:06:06]:
I did not realize that I had to separate those 2 roles. I could be wife at home, but when I came to work, I had to put on the hat of serving and working And getting your laptop charger for you. Yep. The little things.

Steve Alessi [00:06:19]:
The little things.

Mary Alessi [00:06:20]:
Seriously, though, that that's something that I got hung up on When we first started, I did not I I just wanted it to be, I'm Mary, and you're Steven. You're not gonna talk to me that way. My husband's never. I didn't realize that separating those lines when we're in the office taking on more of a of a professional mindset. And I don't have to be that at home, but at work, I have to be professional.

Steve Alessi [00:06:42]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:43]:
I wish I'd learned that earlier because it brought it definitely brought conflict to our marriage because we couldn't deal with it in the office. We dealt with it on the Drive home.

Steve Alessi [00:06:51]:
Yeah. And I remember just from a working perspective, I had to make a decision. What do I want?

Mary Alessi [00:06:59]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:00]:
Do I want a employee at home, or do I want a wife at home? Right. And I learned real quick That a happy wife Right. Was so much better than an employee at home. So I needed to treat you like my wife even though we work together

Mary Alessi [00:07:22]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:07:22]:
And not overwhelm the relationship because it's a working relationship. Sure. The working relationship was the husband and wife, And we couldn't change that. Mm-mm. We could change the employment relationship. Yeah. Meaning that if the church got in a financial position where we couldn't both be hired And or you were done. You were tired with doing what you did with the music, and you're like, you know what? I don't wanna do that anymore.

Steve Alessi [00:07:47]:
We could change that part of the relationship. Or, Hey. I don't wanna do this job anymore, Mary. I'm done with this. I'm giving it to so and so to do. I can change those job responsibilities mister the employee in set up, but I couldn't change the marital one. No. That one, we're like, no.

Steve Alessi [00:08:03]:
That one's gonna be a keeper.

Mary Alessi [00:08:05]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:08:05]:
We gotta keep that one. So we had to say, even though we are driven for success

Mary Alessi [00:08:11]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:08:11]:
And accomplishment, when we were working together, we also had to say, wait a minute. The success of this ministry is not near as important as the success of our marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:08:24]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:08:24]:
So quit being so Heavy. So hard. So so pressure filled. We we don't need that because as they say, a happy wife.

Mary Alessi [00:08:36]:
Happy life.

Steve Alessi [00:08:38]:
Yep. So that helped us. We had to see from the work. Let's not let it leak into our marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:08:45]:
Yeah. And all day But it was a struggle.

Steve Alessi [00:08:47]:
Oh, yes. It was. Again, 34 years.

Mary Alessi [00:08:49]:
Right. And we've worked together

Steve Alessi [00:08:51]:
how old is the

Mary Alessi [00:08:51]:
church? 23? 24. Yeah. 24. And we've worked to get we're coming up on 24. We've worked together since day 1. So we've been coworkers On staff together for 24 years prior to that, what, about 8 or 9 years together.

Steve Alessi [00:09:07]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:09:09]:
Yeah. And that was was different because we've known is each other working together. Ever known is working together. And I was I had my own office, and you had your own job description, and we had a boss.

Steve Alessi [00:09:18]:
Oh, that was the worst.

Mary Alessi [00:09:19]:
And that was hard. That was your mom and dad.

Steve Alessi [00:09:21]:
And I felt the pressure of making sure you were a perfect employee and put so much pressure On you and on the relationship where, again, I had to make a decision. Wait a minute, man. I want a happier wife, then I do a happier dad and mom.

Mary Alessi [00:09:37]:
That's right. And that's where we had to apply what we taught our kids, and we are teaching our kids that the voices of mom and dad, once you're married, This is to protect your marriage and that role of in union. It's what you 2 think together.

Steve Alessi [00:09:50]:
It's not

Mary Alessi [00:09:50]:
the boy you can't just keep trying to please dad Mhmm. Or try to please mom. Gonna hurt and erode your relationship.

Steve Alessi [00:09:56]:
You know, John Roman's in here, and him and his wife work together in the ministry.

Mary Alessi [00:10:00]:
John and Jericchi. How many years now,

Steve Alessi [00:10:02]:
John? Yeah. I've been on staff 20 years, and she's been with us 15. Yep. Yeah. So they work together. They raise kids together Yes. Here at

Mary Alessi [00:10:12]:
the church. They're home

Steve Alessi [00:10:14]:
about making sure things don't overlap Mhmm. Into their marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:10:19]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:10:20]:
Armando, though, his wife's not here every day, he does have that Where he's gotta make sure when he goes home and she shows up to church on Sunday, they're happy.

Mary Alessi [00:10:27]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:10:28]:
So he can't let things leak into their marriage. Chris and Michelle right now, They're all in this Yep. Especially as we work together. It is gonna be harder working together

Mary Alessi [00:10:38]:
Oh, it is.

Steve Alessi [00:10:39]:
And living together, being married. But the good boundaries will help protect the marriage so that whatever's going on outside doesn't leak into the marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:10:49]:
K. I wanna say this because I think this applies to whether or not you work together or you don't. But something that you taught A couple of our staff members that has really been a policy of our church, that if you work for our church, don't go home and share with your partner, your spouse, any negatives that happen in the office. Leave that at the office. Don't take it home because they had to go to this church too.

Steve Alessi [00:11:14]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:11:15]:
And you don't want what happened in the day, your frustrations, things that you may get confused or misconstrued, or maybe your correction was wrong. I mean, whatever it is.

Steve Alessi [00:11:23]:
Okay. Get specific because this is this is really good

Mary Alessi [00:11:26]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:11:27]:
Advice here. It's wisdom.

Mary Alessi [00:11:29]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:11:29]:
The point is your husband or wife works at the church that you attend or works at a company that

Mary Alessi [00:11:37]:
you Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:11:38]:
Want to be serviced by.

Mary Alessi [00:11:39]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:11:40]:
And then that spouse of yours that works for him comes home

Mary Alessi [00:11:43]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:11:44]:
And Dumps on you. We're telling them to not do what?

Mary Alessi [00:11:48]:
Don't talk bad about your workplace. Yeah. Do not discuss it. You know, the truth is

Steve Alessi [00:11:54]:
Why?

Mary Alessi [00:11:55]:
Well, because you'll turn their heart, And you're gonna get over it. You're gonna deal with it.

Steve Alessi [00:12:00]:
And then from the church's perspective, it's so bad because this is the place you're supposed to be going to get spiritually fed and nourished.

Mary Alessi [00:12:06]:
And you cut them off from them.

Steve Alessi [00:12:08]:
At the pastor. You're mad at the worship leader because during the week, you had the disagreement, and then you show up to church and you you've got this prejudice in your heart, an argument against them, and you're like, wow. I can't receive from them.

Mary Alessi [00:12:17]:
You can't receive. You you cut it you cut that off. I will say we've been very blessed with staff that have taken you at that word, and they've done that, and they're very honoring of that because that's the last thing they want. They also have to cut off, This is my job, but it's also my place of ministry and my place of blessing.

Steve Alessi [00:12:35]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:35]:
And it's God's mouthpiece in my life is my pastor and my boss. Mhmm. So it can be done. You can separate those things. So now move that into okay. You don't work for the church, but you and your spouse work side by side in something. Leave it at the workplace. Don't bring it home.

Mary Alessi [00:12:54]:
There has to be a separation between we work together And then we live together. And really clear lines. You had it. We we started drawing those lines a few years into our relationship. It got tough. We were talking about this the other night, how it's so easy to spend so much energy discussing as a married couple All the negative things that are happening during the day. Mhmm. And then there's nothing left for you together as husband and wife.

Mary Alessi [00:13:21]:
Yeah. Because you've just eaten up all this energy and all this time. We were saying this in the car going home. For every minute you spend Slicing and dicing the negative of the job or the workplace or whatever it is you're working on together is a is a minute that you are subtracting and taking away From vision building and dreaming together. Mhmm. And this, when you're negative all the time, even if you're in agreement, you know, you're you're chewing it up at night, and we need to tell her this, and she needs fix that, and we gotta fix this structure, and that's gotta change, and you need to get better with this, and you need to get better with that. All of that does is erode a positive Atmosphere in your home and in your bedroom.

Steve Alessi [00:14:00]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:14:01]:
And then you really you can't you don't get to turn it off. And then how do you turn romance on?

Steve Alessi [00:14:08]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:14:09]:
It's very difficult to do. The the human mind is not equipped to do that. Yeah. But this leads to all kinds of stress and frustration and irritation, which could lead to even your your relationship will get lost in it, Whereas the other brings unity, brings joy, brings peace, brings excitement, and you're not so focused on the negative because you're dreaming about tomorrow.

Steve Alessi [00:14:30]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:14:30]:
But you have to intentionally say, okay. We've talked about it too long. You've done that for years. We're done. Yep. We're done. We've talked about it enough. Moving on.

Mary Alessi [00:14:39]:
Got

Steve Alessi [00:14:39]:
it. Yeah. So important, Mary. And that's all such great advice.

Mary Alessi [00:14:43]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:14:43]:
We can go on and on. Matter of fact, I think this requires just another podcast In itself Yeah. How to protect that marriage. Because I guess the the answer to that question, how to keep the Life's issues from leaking into your marriage is you protect the marriage.

Mary Alessi [00:14:59]:
And roles.

Steve Alessi [00:15:00]:
And all those problems are gonna be there when you're That's right. When you wake up in

Mary Alessi [00:15:02]:
the face.

Steve Alessi [00:15:03]:
Which then brings us to this. You mentioned romance. And 1 question was, how do you keep romance flowing with so much going on with such a big family? Wow.

Mary Alessi [00:15:16]:
I'm answering this question first.

Steve Alessi [00:15:17]:
I like being putting

Mary Alessi [00:15:19]:
me on the Yes. Thank you,

Steve Alessi [00:15:23]:
whoever asked that question. I wanna hear it from Mary herself.

Mary Alessi [00:15:29]:
How do you keep the romance, Mary? Well, you know, in my experience

Steve Alessi [00:15:39]:
Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:15:39]:
Having had 4 children, I think he really what what has worked for us is valuing our alone time

Steve Alessi [00:15:47]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:15:48]:
And making sure that that was priority. It wasn't always because we would get caught up with other things Just life. And exhausted and

Steve Alessi [00:15:55]:
Pushing, drivings. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:57]:
Everything. And and and and, yes, you know, always, it's trying to achieve the higher levels. Meanwhile, the most important thing that awaits us is the relationship we have with our spouse. How much energy have we put into that relationship?

Steve Alessi [00:16:10]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:16:11]:
And one thing we've learned after all these years of being in ministry together, working together, and I'm in my fifties and you're 60. 60, we've realized more than ever how Invaluable. We are we can't do this without one another, and we wouldn't want to. So the ebbs and flows of life, It all circles back, and the one you started with is the one you end with, hopefully.

Steve Alessi [00:16:36]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:16:36]:
It's who you're doing it for, And you don't wanna neglect it along the way so that when you get to the end of that point in your life, you go, I don't even like you. There's nothing here. And to keep that romance alive, I think it has to be top of mind Mhmm. That it's the most important thing more more than your children.

Steve Alessi [00:16:53]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:16:53]:
Because if mom and dad aren't together and aren't happy. You can stay together, but your kids get have it figured out. You're not getting along Mhmm. And you're struggling in your relationship. And you want to you want to model what romance and a good, healthy mom and dad relationship look like. So I'm we are not date night people.

Steve Alessi [00:17:13]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:17:13]:
We have never been we have a date

Steve Alessi [00:17:15]:
Let's pretend Thursday night. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:17:17]:
We we grab our moments as much as we can because we have to value that date night might not happen. Date night might turn into, for us in ministry, a funeral or a viewing or a counseling session, it it can always change. So we make sure that we set aside a time for us to not reconnect But never allow ourselves to get to that place where we don't feel connected.

Steve Alessi [00:17:42]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:17:43]:
There's a lot of resources on how to do that, but the I think the most important value is that you realize if you don't do it, you're gonna lose it.

Steve Alessi [00:17:52]:
Yeah. Well, I'm proud of you because you didn't get splotchy. Usually, when you address certain issues, when you get nervous, your neck breaks out in little red splotches. Well, this is definitely.

Mary Alessi [00:18:04]:
When you said romance, were we supposed to talk about sex?

Steve Alessi [00:18:06]:
Is definitely one of those subjects that we would not be able to talk about on Sunday, because they're talking about the romance keeping in the marriage, yes, sex is a part of that.

Mary Alessi [00:18:16]:
It it

Steve Alessi [00:18:17]:
is. One thing I I need, at least Sunday, Monday. I I need to connect with you on the romance.

Mary Alessi [00:18:26]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:26]:
And romance is the word For sex here.

Mary Alessi [00:18:29]:
Go ahead.

Steve Alessi [00:18:29]:
I I need to it's code for sex.

Mary Alessi [00:18:32]:
I need Now everybody's gonna know what happens on Sundays.

Steve Alessi [00:18:35]:
When we pray at church and preach and sing and get drained emotionally, I need romance, at that point, it's just from it's it's a it's a welcome release of All that is built up

Mary Alessi [00:18:52]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:18:53]:
In me that then helps me connect with you personally after trying to connect with God trying to connect with people. It's so important that I get that connection Time with you.

Mary Alessi [00:19:09]:
And I think that's most men.

Steve Alessi [00:19:10]:
Yep. When they go through high stress environments Right. It's welcomed. It's needed. And I remember a guy years ago, you know, just because a man has a a healthy sex drive, some women wanna complain. Oh, man. It's too much. People wanna make him out to be perverted almost, even as a person that has a relationship with God.

Steve Alessi [00:19:31]:
How could he be so into that? You know, why does he need it so much? Well, Every day, I wake up, and I eat breakfast. And then at noontime, I have lunch. And then at dinner time, I have dinner. Nobody looks at me and says, oh my gosh. What's wrong with you Right. That you're hungry every so many hours.

Mary Alessi [00:19:47]:
Why do you gotta eat every day? Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:19:49]:
It is a healthy appetite. So what that means is, because I appreciate that, physically speaking, I gotta take care of myself. Yeah. And you gotta take care of yourself. Right. If we're gonna keep romance alive, The the temple of the holy spirit. Brother.

Mary Alessi [00:20:07]:
Our bodies it make it weird.

Steve Alessi [00:20:09]:
The bodies, we wanna take care of our bodies.

Mary Alessi [00:20:13]:
No. We do.

Steve Alessi [00:20:14]:
We wanna look good for each other. Do. We we have to take care of ourselves because when we take care of ourselves, we feel good Right. About ourselves, and that helps us when we're romantic.

Mary Alessi [00:20:26]:
You know what I think is so funny that all these years Has taught us both and has certainly taught me. What do couples usually

Steve Alessi [00:20:34]:
interrupted my flow, but go ahead.

Mary Alessi [00:20:35]:
Really? You looked like you were coming to the alright. Go ahead. Finish. Nope. Because I lost did you lose it?

Stephanie Muiña [00:20:42]:
Uh-huh. It's gone.

Steve Alessi [00:20:43]:
It's gone. Go ahead. It'll be fine. Lost yours.

Mary Alessi [00:20:46]:
I know. See, we're too old for this, Steve. You can't do that to me. I was trying to help you. I was trying to support your

Steve Alessi [00:20:55]:
Ashley is blushing over in the corner right here. I love this.

Mary Alessi [00:20:58]:
She's in the corner in the dark. You're learning so much, girl. No. Honestly, what couples end up in the counseling rooms over is the fact that they've stopped having sex.

Steve Alessi [00:21:11]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:21:12]:
And you've never met a couple that kept having sex and their marriage was still miserable. Mhmm. Doesn't work that way. They're miserable, and they stopped having sex a year ago.

Steve Alessi [00:21:21]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:21:21]:
So when you it's like, uh-huh. Don't stop having sex with each other. Yeah. That's key. Stay connected physically, and you will Stay connected emotionally and spiritually in in every possible way. Does that help you? Did that get you back on the flow?

Steve Alessi [00:21:37]:
No. No? It's gone. Okay. Well I don't wanna embarrass you anymore.

Mary Alessi [00:21:40]:
I'm not embarrassed. I can handle this. But I will say that in relation to what you're saying about Men not feeling ashamed of their sex drive. Women, we do that, which I find very interesting. Every woman does it. What we what it takes to get a man and in the beginning stages of the relationship, when kids come around and we it depletes us more and our bodies aren't necessarily for the bedroom anymore. They're for these kids and kids hanging off on you. It really does take intentionality to say, I have to make this priority because it matters to my spouse.

Mary Alessi [00:22:19]:
Maybe even if it matters more to him than it does to me, I've gotta make sure that he is cared for in this area.

Steve Alessi [00:22:25]:
Yeah. That's good.

Mary Alessi [00:22:26]:
And he he should not be shamed Mhmm. For wanting to be with you.

Steve Alessi [00:22:30]:
Yeah. If the man's not eating at home, he's tempted to eat elsewhere. So it's good that you feed them good, and it's good for her that, emotionally, what sex is meaning to me, why it's so what is so important about sex to me, that emotional connection with you is important to you. Right. You need to feel that emotional connection, that that romance, that That communication, feeling good, the compliments, your your self esteem, constantly working on that through, the accomplishments that you have together and the accomplice compliments that are given. Yeah. That's important for you. So you feeling secure About life in general, money,

Mary Alessi [00:23:17]:
housing communicated with.

Steve Alessi [00:23:18]:
Everything.

Mary Alessi [00:23:19]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:23:19]:
The marriage. That's that's as as important to you as sex is to me at this season. So it's a give and take. You know? We talk about I gotta eat right. I gotta take care of myself. If I gotta do a little tuck here, a little work there on the skin to make

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:34]:
sure being here.

Steve Alessi [00:23:34]:
I mean, yeah. Like, last night, I put a little face mask on you.

Mary Alessi [00:23:37]:
That was very nice.

Steve Alessi [00:23:38]:
That dish to help you with your skin

Mary Alessi [00:23:41]:
I loved it.

Steve Alessi [00:23:41]:
I know how important that is to you. Yeah. And I put it on me sometimes. It doesn't look as good on me.

Mary Alessi [00:23:46]:
Hey, baby. Hey, babe. Your skin looks amazing.

Steve Alessi [00:23:48]:
Yeah. Okay. Thank you. So all of that is so important because we're focusing on each other. Yeah. Romance is about, let me focus on

Mary Alessi [00:23:56]:
you. That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:23:58]:
And, thankfully, we've also had this is where great community and support group friendship, and in our case, our church family, why it's so important to be connected with other people, this church family on a number of occasions, people have stepped up and sent you and I away Yep. Just to go hang out with ourselves, maybe our family, but just you and I getting alone, we go up. One of the reasons we got our farm is it helps us get away

Mary Alessi [00:24:30]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:24:30]:
From the hustle and bustle of South Florida, From our phones, from all of that, and just be able to focus on ourselves That's right.

Mary Alessi [00:24:40]:
That's huge It is.

Steve Alessi [00:24:42]:
If we're gonna keep the romance alive, which then brings me to this, another question. They're asking us about the joy of aging together, how are we keeping this fun as we age together?

Mary Alessi [00:24:58]:
Wow. I can tell you right now in the season that we're in, for me, it's probably been the funniest. Right? Between you and me that we've had so far. And when we look back at our the other day, we looked at our Our, wedding video and we looked at our honeymoon video. And I do not wanna go back and be that girl. You cannot pay me $1,000,000 to go back and be that girl. Yeah. Because you could see in every shot well, you had the camera on me constantly.

Mary Alessi [00:25:28]:
I was so annoyed. I was just annoyed. It's her honeymoon. I'm like, Stop. Stop. Stop. I mean, like, the whole time. Oh my god.

Mary Alessi [00:25:35]:
She's annoying. But I but this definitely is, and I thought that season was fun. I thought Having kids was fun. But this season of You and Me really putting each other first and finding the joy in it. And I know it's it's not easy for you. I I know it's not always your want to. You would much rather go out into the woods and shoot something. But you definitely let me know that being with me is the most important and most fun thing that there is to do, and I believe you.

Mary Alessi [00:26:06]:
You know? Yeah. And and we really do work on having fun together, and part of that is certain conversations are off limits. We know where the other's buttons are, and we just don't push them

Steve Alessi [00:26:19]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:26:20]:
So that we can enjoy The season and the time that we have together because we are getting older, but there's there's such a, a sensation there's, like, this sense of we are winning. We're one of the few that made it to the mountain because the divorce rate is so high. You know, peep when we tell people we've been married 34 years, you would think we told them we've been married 55 years.

Steve Alessi [00:26:45]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:26:46]:
Because that's a huge accomplishment these days to be married a long time to the same person. And I'm so proud of that, but there is just a sense of, we made it. We made it. You know? Yeah. Once Chance the Rapper sings, we we're we're together, and we've done so much with our lives, And that just makes it

Steve Alessi [00:27:06]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:27:06]:
Like, we weathered some serious storms, and we're still here together. I could cry thinking about it. I know. And I wouldn't wanna

Steve Alessi [00:27:14]:
I know.

Mary Alessi [00:27:14]:
Be with anybody else but you. Very sweet. As you make me so pretentious

Steve Alessi [00:27:25]:
to love you. Well, let let me spiritualize something for a minute. I hope if you're not the spiritual kind, you can put up with this comment. But there's, Something in the Bible there's a story in the Bible about 2 brothers that wanted to, be Elevated to a a position of popularity because they wanted to be on Jesus's right hand and on his left. And He talks to them about, what that looks like, and he he makes a statement. He says, let him who wants to be the greatest Be a servant.

Mary Alessi [00:27:56]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:27:57]:
And then there is that statement that says, for the first shall be last And the last shall be first. And I told you a few weeks ago when we were on the porch As we are communicating and talking, which is what this podcast is like, us just talking in our living room on our back porch. And I told you what hit me when I read that, and, so it may get a little emotional here. But I said, you know, at this season, when I when I read that part about the last shall be first, I really feel like at this season of my life, I've been elevated the first. Yeah. At 60. Yeah. I've been elevated the first.

Steve Alessi [00:28:45]:
I got a son that's 30 who's knocking on the door. Yeah. Preached a message this weekend. That was crazy. I wasn't even there to hear it, but I'll hear it this summer this Sunday. He's just at a place where he's blowing it up. Our Our daughter finds, that both of them find great spouses. I sure do.

Steve Alessi [00:29:07]:
And our two Younger daughters are, celebrating this season of education and preparation. Lauren preparing herself for her oh, Alan's bringing the Oh, appreciate it. Because we're over here.

Mary Alessi [00:29:25]:
We'll just take the whole box.

Steve Alessi [00:29:26]:
Snot snot all over the place. Lauren's at a place where she's pursuing her degree in, her master's, and then Gabby Finishing up at FIU and then leading our youth group so well. And I I just felt like that That phrase, the last shall be first and the first the first shall be last, I felt like at this season, I've been elevated to first. Wow. Never felt that, Mara. Never felt first. Sure. I may be the head of an organization and a ministry like this, But never felt first.

Steve Alessi [00:30:06]:
And then I heard God stirred up in my heart. Not that God speaks to me audibly, but I felt this impression, and I saw this image. My life I've tried to do this, though I'm a I know I'm a strong leader. Yeah. Some call me controlling. So I know I'm a strong leader, and I know that I get in front of people and I talk and And lead the charge here at the ministry. But my my heart has been, how can I serve the people of this church?

Mary Alessi [00:30:38]:
Always.

Steve Alessi [00:30:38]:
How can I serve our staff?

Mary Alessi [00:30:40]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:30:40]:
How can I serve my kids? And most importantly, how can I serve you? Yeah. That has been my heart's desire. And I think if people would focus on that Yeah. Especially couples, especially the heads of corporations in their life. But let's bring it back to marriage. If a man could focus on serving his wife Yeah. Not being run over by her, not being the weaker sex. No.

Steve Alessi [00:31:08]:
No. No. But serving. Yeah. Sometimes being strong and then serving. If he can work on serving his wife, serving his family, then If he'll do that, put himself as last. Even though you've taken the lead, put yourself as last. Be sensitive to that.

Steve Alessi [00:31:29]:
Doesn't always have to be your way. You don't always have to be number 1.

Mary Alessi [00:31:33]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:31:33]:
You don't always have to have the biggest Instagram or social media following. You don't always have to have the best number one song. You don't have to be able to preach the best and have the most popular sermon or the biggest and the best church. Don't always push To be number 1 just for the sake of saying,

Stephanie Muiña [00:31:51]:
look what I've

Mary Alessi [00:31:51]:
done Right.

Steve Alessi [00:31:52]:
And being first, if you can focus on how I, at this season of my life, serve my clients, serve my customers, serve my church, serve my family? If you'll do that And remain in a posture of strong humility. Yes. One day, you're gonna wake up and say, oh my gosh. At the latter years of my life Yeah. I'm feeling first. Wow. So with you and I, I think the way that we have been able to keep this fun and enjoy each other in our marriage

Mary Alessi [00:32:29]:
aging. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:32:31]:
Is we really have focused, especially as we've gotten older Yes. On how can I serve Mary, How can I serve Steve?

Mary Alessi [00:32:39]:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:32:39]:
And, Dave, I've seen that in you because I've seen your your what used to be irritants When we were younger and you'd come out, we'd have big arguments about something or be bothered and ignore each other, give each other the silent treatment, or wanna disappear for an hour or 2, take off and Slam the door. I've seen those things when you would have been tempted to do it. You didn't. Right. You backed off. Yeah. Because you were like, wait a minute. This isn't about me right now.

Mary Alessi [00:33:04]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:33:05]:
Of course, it's taken 34 years.

Mary Alessi [00:33:07]:
Took a long time.

Steve Alessi [00:33:08]:
But we just didn't make the mistake of quitting 2 years, 5 years, 10 years into this thing

Mary Alessi [00:33:17]:
because divorce was never an option was never an option. It was a temptation. It it was a thought. And Option are not the same. There are thoughts, and there are days where you think

Steve Alessi [00:33:26]:
There was no reason for divorce, but just because you're mad and hurt and disappointed. That's right. Wonder what tomorrow's gonna you you you entertain, my life would be better without.

Mary Alessi [00:33:35]:
Oh, absolutely. Or what would my life be like without them? Would it be better? And But when you really understand that the power of your relationship and the power of a healthy marriage is serving one another and really what that looks like, That whole the last shall be first, the first shall be last, your marriage will become first. It will naturally Have a propensity at the latter season of your life, which the truth is we still have a lot more years to live.

Steve Alessi [00:34:04]:
Yes, ma'am.

Mary Alessi [00:34:04]:
My mother used to say When I would get irritated with the kids making noise and being in the house, she'd say, well, take it easy on them because there's a whole lot of years without them in the house than there are with them in the house. And when you're in the middle of that, you cannot even comprehend it. Of course, here we are. Our we've still got 2 at home, but they're never home. And the reality of that is true. You better nurture the mister and missus. Nurture one another so that when you get to this season of aging, You're each other's best friend.

Steve Alessi [00:34:34]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:34:35]:
You can't imagine doing it without the other one. Yeah. Because I I really can't, and I'm watching god Doing you because you did have a service first mindset. You always always have. Whether it was mis Interpreted by some, that was always your driving force to serve. And now in our relationship, it's so easy. Our marriage is so easy, and sometimes our kids will look at us and and want that. But we explain to them you work for you serve your way to this place.

Mary Alessi [00:35:07]:
And it makes it look easy, but it's because we did the hard stuff.

Steve Alessi [00:35:10]:
34 years in the making.

Mary Alessi [00:35:12]:
And We did it. We stayed together. Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:35:13]:
And wouldn't change it because now we can sit here at a cast table, talk about how to do it, and hopefully inspire others to just find the right one, hang in there

Mary Alessi [00:35:22]:
Fight the good fight.

Steve Alessi [00:35:23]:
Work hard together. That's right. That's good. And embrace the ups and the downs, the disappointments, highs, the celebration moments, all of that. Keep a relationship Keep a god in place. Stay connected to the local church. Yeah. Find good pastors that you can follow.

Mary Alessi [00:35:37]:
Find the village.

Steve Alessi [00:35:38]:
How life could really treat you well. So we hope today's questions and the answers that we have given you have been an encouragement. So thank you for joining us today on the Alessi family Business podcast.

Stephanie Muiña [00:35:52]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our audience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast Right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lesse family business .com and Tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Stephanie Muiña [00:36:33]:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love Reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, And we'll see you next time at the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business.