Manners Still Matter! How to Tame Tantrums and Teach Kids to Respect Others | S6 E8

Steve Alessi [00:00:00]:

But when a child is just losing it and being, just just disrespectful and and doesn't realize what it's doing, okay, because it's just not getting its way in a restaurant and it's screaming and it's throwing things on the floor, that's when a parent has to act a little bit more and think, okay. Listen. I see my child doing this, but this is not about my child in this moment. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. Sees, I'm Steve Alessi. I'm here with my wife, Mary Alessi.

Mary Alessi [00:00:39]:

Good morning, everybody.

Steve Alessi [00:00:40]:

Yes. And we're talking family because family is everybody's business. And in our line of work, we do a lot of talking on Sundays. But in the podcast booth, we get to talk about things that we don't talk about on Sundays. Now, a few things to hit on the front side of this. 1, you may be hearing some boom boom boom sounds every so often in our podcast recording because our roof is being reroofed here at our facility. So they're on top of us today, and it gets really loud. Second of all, you may notice if you're watching viewing our podcast, you may notice our cups.

Steve Alessi [00:01:21]:

We have new merch

Mary Alessi [00:01:24]:

Love that

Steve Alessi [00:01:25]:

word merch. Call it.

Mary Alessi [00:01:26]:

Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:01:27]:

And, we have some nice mugs for the family. It's great way to start your day, remind the family it's your business. They're gonna take care of one another. And, we have some shirts. We have a bunch of things.

Mary Alessi [00:01:41]:

We've got some really cool hoodies. Hoodies. Excellent. Christmas gifts.

Steve Alessi [00:01:45]:

Yes. And the weather hopefully will change a little bit in South Florida, so you definitely wanna get your coffee or hot Coco mug

Mary Alessi [00:01:54]:

I love it.

Steve Alessi [00:01:54]:

And your hoodie and some of the other merch, and you can find all that on our website for our podcast. But today, Mary, since it is business or the family business anyhow, we're gonna talk about something that the family got around. And when they were talking about topics, they felt like this would be a good one to discuss. Yeah. And, so let's talk about you ready?

Mary Alessi [00:02:17]:

I don't know if I'm ready.

Steve Alessi [00:02:19]:

Manners.

Mary Alessi [00:02:21]:

Manners.

Steve Alessi [00:02:22]:

Teaching your family to have manners Yes. And in particularly your kids

Mary Alessi [00:02:29]:

Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:02:29]:

To have manners. Now I'm not sure if there is a Spanish word for manners.

Mary Alessi [00:02:35]:

Sure there is.

Steve Alessi [00:02:36]:

Our South Florida community, when you get them on the road, there's no such thing as manners.

Mary Alessi [00:02:42]:

If you're

Steve Alessi [00:02:42]:

at a restaurant, there's no such thing as manners. If you're there.

Mary Alessi [00:02:46]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:02:46]:

Shopping, forget it. You better fight for your place in line because there's no such thing

Mary Alessi [00:02:50]:

That's true.

Steve Alessi [00:02:51]:

As manners. No.

Mary Alessi [00:02:52]:

It's interesting.

Steve Alessi [00:02:52]:

Just kidding. So let's talk about manners because it seems to be a lost, art that, we no longer see people, being kind and just demonstrating manners. So what are manners?

Mary Alessi [00:03:11]:

Kindness, discipline, Mhmm. The way you talk in a group, and depending upon the age You are.

Steve Alessi [00:03:22]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:03:23]:

So there's different ways that you should be behaving based on age appropriateness. K. So, You know, what is the the proper way for a 2 year old to behave or a 5 year old to behave or then a 10 year old, 12 year old? Sometimes You have adults, as you said, that still have terrible manners.

Steve Alessi [00:03:42]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:03:42]:

And it man, it it rages from bringing attention to yourself, The way you eat, the way you respond to things, talking too loudly, licking your fingers after you eat. But we can talk about that way.

Steve Alessi [00:03:54]:

Here's the definition. Pull up the Phone, here it is. Okay? The definition of manners is social conduct.

Mary Alessi [00:04:01]:

There it is.

Steve Alessi [00:04:02]:

How to act when you're out amongst others, a socially acceptable way of behaving.

Mary Alessi [00:04:08]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:04:09]:

So there are some things that we should be teaching this young generation that, how to act socially.

Mary Alessi [00:04:20]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:04:20]:

And it starts at home before it should happen out in public, but we saw this last night with little Gianna. Yep. So she was at the house, our granddaughter. She's just over a year old.

Mary Alessi [00:04:33]:

She's 18 months. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:04:34]:

18 months. And, She was what was it? You were eating something. She was eating something. She didn't want it, and she threw it on the floor.

Mary Alessi [00:04:43]:

She squeezed the water bottle.

Steve Alessi [00:04:45]:

Oh, that's it.

Mary Alessi [00:04:45]:

And the water went everywhere because she was mad. She was throwing a little tantrum.

Steve Alessi [00:04:48]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:04:49]:

And so her mom jumped up, And instead of letting it go, she got it.

Steve Alessi [00:04:55]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:04:55]:

She got in trouble.

Steve Alessi [00:04:56]:

Yeah. She had to be intentional. Now you hate doing that because in the moment, it was Fun. It was actually kinda cute.

Mary Alessi [00:05:03]:

We were all trying not to laugh.

Steve Alessi [00:05:04]:

I think grand grandparents see it as cute. Right. But a parent who is stressed at the end of the day from everything that just parents do all day long. They come to the end of the day. Just so happened her husband had a little fender bender down the street, and that's why you and I had the baby so late. So while he was waiting for the police, You and I went and picked up Gianna and had her at the house, and then Steph was working late at the church with her team. And so now she's coming home about 9:30, almost 10 o'clock, and She's having to pick up the little girl. The last thing she wanted to do was have to discipline her

Mary Alessi [00:05:36]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:05:37]:

In that moment.

Mary Alessi [00:05:38]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:05:39]:

But The granddaughter's behavior was, the conduct was unacceptable in that environment.

Mary Alessi [00:05:46]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:05:47]:

So she had to step into that and say, no. No. No. You're not gonna do that and disciplined her. And we saw the little look on Gianna's face, and it was cute to us, you know, all that, but that's where sometimes we forget manners begin.

Mary Alessi [00:06:04]:

Yeah. They

Steve Alessi [00:06:04]:

begin at a young age.

Mary Alessi [00:06:07]:

Very young. And if we say they're tired Or we just tolerate a lot of screaming because Gianna's done this little thing now where she screams when she gets mad. And it's just little bursts of Screaming. She doesn't do it to you or me, but she does it to whoever disciplines her because

Steve Alessi [00:06:23]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:24]:

We clearly don't as much. But when she gets frustrated and we have to teach her now. The whole family does. Screaming is not acceptable. You cannot scream in public. And it would be easy to let it go because she's cute. She's little, But we also understand we are in a social setting all the time because of what we do. Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:06:42]:

So it's one thing she's screaming at home, but we are around people All the time. All the time.

Steve Alessi [00:06:48]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:48]:

Our staff, our church folks

Steve Alessi [00:06:50]:

Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:06:51]:

Our teams that we that we, you know, have to get together at night. So she's not isolated at home with a nanny or with her mom. We she is around people all the time, and that kinda goes back to even our own kids, How we had to really enforce that because they had the same experience around a social setting a lot. Right. And so that's what we're talking about. You know, you can't separate personal discipline from a social setting because what you do at home personally Is what it will show up in a social setting.

Steve Alessi [00:07:22]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:07:23]:

And you have to learn. And and, honestly, I think when we start from your previous comments when you started, We do live in a city that is a melting pot of different cultures.

Steve Alessi [00:07:32]:

Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:07:32]:

And there's so many different cultures for what's acceptable and what's not. I remember years ago, we went to South Korea. I remember this. And burping in public is a very polite thing to do. If especially if somebody's cooked for you and you burp, that means you love the food. And we were just disgusted by how many people on the street, especially the guys, were just burping all over the place. You remember that? Yeah. I do.

Mary Alessi [00:07:55]:

And we we're like Fell right at home. They're so rude. Well, yeah, you did. But in America, that's so rude.

Steve Alessi [00:08:02]:

Right?

Mary Alessi [00:08:03]:

It's so so rude. So culturally, and we're talking about discipline and manners do go hand in hand.

Steve Alessi [00:08:10]:

Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:08:10]:

You can't have one without the other. But it's the social aspect of things and what our cultures are. And because we do have a mixed pot of manners in our, And we'll talk about that a little bit more. We have to also know for our families the discipline side of things And how to make sure that we're on top of our kids for when they're in those social settings to understand what manners really are.

Steve Alessi [00:08:36]:

Yeah. Well, it's kinda cute in our family right now because we're talking about Gianna, who's 18 months, and then we have little Marino, who's only about 5 months. And he's the little angel right now because all he does is smile

Mary Alessi [00:08:47]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:08:47]:

And fart and burp. And all of that is so children. He's susceptible. He was born an old 6 month old.

Mary Alessi [00:08:55]:

An old man that can't control.

Steve Alessi [00:08:56]:

But he's the he's the hero. I mean, he's the one that just comes in and, you know, smiles.

Mary Alessi [00:09:00]:

I know.

Steve Alessi [00:09:01]:

Meanwhile, Gianna's trying to now we have to work with Gianna about her social conduct. Now We're we're talking about this. I think what happens is a parent today gets so focused on not wanting to hurt their precious child

Mary Alessi [00:09:22]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:09:23]:

That they they think more about, okay, the child in that environment, when the child does something that is not socially acceptable, they'll they'll be more focused on the Child, I looked at Johnny because I heard him crack his knuckles in public

Mary Alessi [00:09:39]:

try not to do that.

Steve Alessi [00:09:40]:

While we're doing a recording here.

Mary Alessi [00:09:42]:

I heard him. Trouble all the time cracking my knuckles.

Steve Alessi [00:09:44]:

Yes. Sounded like somebody's working on the roof, but it was just Johnny in here cracking.

Mary Alessi [00:09:49]:

So we'd definitely talk about that.

Steve Alessi [00:09:50]:

So that's what how does is that socially acceptable?

Mary Alessi [00:09:54]:

It is to me because we both crack our knuckles. So and I have people that I crack my knuckles in front of the like, don't do that.

Steve Alessi [00:10:00]:

I know. I know. I was always told I'd get arthritis if I did that.

Mary Alessi [00:10:03]:

Well, I had do not have arthritis.

Steve Alessi [00:10:05]:

There you go.

Mary Alessi [00:10:05]:

I think that's

Steve Alessi [00:10:06]:

What happens is a parent will be thinking so much about their kid

Mary Alessi [00:10:10]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:10:11]:

In that moment. So they'll they maybe it's they're not even conscious of it, but they focus so much on the kid, not wanting to upset the kid or, oh my gosh, the kids had such A tough day. Oh, the kid they make it about the kid in that moment, the child.

Mary Alessi [00:10:26]:

Instead of the chief will arrive.

Steve Alessi [00:10:27]:

Understand Yes. For a moment, when something really bad happens, your kid's having a temper tantrum because they fell off the chair and they're hurting, and it's not their temper, but they're just crying, I got it that you pick They come up. You take care of them in the restaurant. You may slowly walk out to outside or to the bathroom to calm them down. Yeah. I got that with the child who's hurt himself. But when a child is just losing it and being, just just disrespectful and and doesn't realize what it's doing, okay, because it's just not getting its way in a restaurant, and it's screaming, and it's throwing things on the floor. That's when a parent has to act a little bit more and think, okay.

Steve Alessi [00:11:06]:

Listen. I see my child doing this, but this is not about my child in this moment. I have to be thinking about all the other people who who will be affected by this child's conduct

Mary Alessi [00:11:19]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:11:19]:

In a social environment. Right. So I think first thing a parent has to do is realize there are some moments when your child can act in a certain way when they're at home.

Mary Alessi [00:11:30]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:11:31]:

But if they're doing it in public, don't don't think so much about the child. Think about the other people that are in that environment and be considerate Yes. Of them. When you then teach your child, okay. You're not gonna behave this way. You're not gonna sit in a restaurant and do this. You're not gonna eat. I'll put you to bed without eating tonight.

Steve Alessi [00:11:48]:

I'm but I'm a take you to the bathroom, and I might have to discipline you for acting out this way. What you're doing is you're actually teaching your child how to be considerate of others in their environment.

Mary Alessi [00:11:59]:

And that is so important to start early.

Steve Alessi [00:12:02]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:12:02]:

And if There's no reason to say, well, we're just not gonna go to restaurants because our kids are out of control. You can use going into public and social places To reinforce good behavior and to teach your children. Something that we've learned about Gianna going back over a a little kid because we had 4, but you forget, There's a thing on TV called miss Rachel, and it's, an incredible resource for learning, to speak, To speak properly and just elementary elementarily that's a word. Elemental learning. Right? Well, it's blown our minds at a year to a year and a half how much miss Rachel has taught Gianna on manners, How to lift her hands, how to put her hands hands down, how to say more, please, how to say thank you because of reinforcement of something that she's watched and been entertained by. And what it shows you, as parents will say, oh, she doesn't understand. Oh, they don't get it. And they're screaming in a restaurant.

Mary Alessi [00:13:03]:

Oh, they just don't understand. They do understand.

Steve Alessi [00:13:05]:

Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:13:06]:

Are you ready to teach them? And the the hard part is every parent wants to. Yes. Teach me. How do I keep my kid from screaming in public? Well, what you do is you have to suffer a little bit.

Steve Alessi [00:13:17]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:13:17]:

The rest of the people don't, but you do. And you teach your child just like miss Rachel teaches a 1 year old, just go more, please. Okay? By reinforcing it over and over and over again, you step out of the restaurant with your child, and you let the baby know you let the little child know In their in that space, there is no screaming. Do you want to go back in and sit down? And I know it's hard because you could be sitting outside for 30 minutes While your family's inside eating.

Steve Alessi [00:13:46]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:13:47]:

But you have to understand, you're teaching your child something. And you might have to do that 3 or 4 times. Is it worth it Teaching them manners in a social setting. In that space where there's food and there are strangers, you can't scream.

Steve Alessi [00:14:02]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:14:03]:

And we can't say that kids can't get it. Right. So there's 2 options. Stay home. Don't put people in that predicament. Here's why. We're We're all paying a whole lot of money to sit in that restaurant Mhmm. To go out with our families.

Mary Alessi [00:14:13]:

And I know this may sound harsh. And in some cultures, They feel like kids come first and everybody just puts up with it. Well, there are other cultures who do not feel that way.

Steve Alessi [00:14:24]:

Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:14:24]:

And I think the majority of adults who were paying A $100 for a nice meal to go out. They they're they're not mad at you, and your child is precious, But they came out for a nice evening, and now they're sitting right next next

Steve Alessi [00:14:37]:

to the their kids at home for

Mary Alessi [00:14:39]:

this reason. Their kids at home for that.

Steve Alessi [00:14:40]:

It's being considerate.

Mary Alessi [00:14:42]:

That that's it in a nutshell. It's just consideration.

Steve Alessi [00:14:45]:

But but you're giving your child a foundation of honor and respect for other human beings that is 1, a, it's a Christian principle.

Mary Alessi [00:14:55]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:14:56]:

For others over yourself, think of others. It's a Christian principle.

Mary Alessi [00:15:00]:

Or

Steve Alessi [00:15:00]:

don't teach your child to only think about themselves. They're not the center of this universe.

Mary Alessi [00:15:06]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:15:07]:

So they have to be taught those things because it's a a a Christian principle, but it's a socially acceptable manner of behaving.

Mary Alessi [00:15:15]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:15:16]:

Because one day, they're gonna get into room, then they're gonna get into a boardroom. They better know how to read the room and be honoring and respectful. Honey goes a lot farther than vinegar. And as long as you are creating an environment where other people feel respected, you're gonna find life being a lot easier for you. And when you teach kids manners at a young age, that's what you're doing. You're saying, hey. You're important to me. I love you, but you're so important that I'm not gonna allow you to be disrespectful and dishonoring to the people that are around us in this room.

Steve Alessi [00:15:54]:

Ours was, you know, I think of a song, please and thank you. These are the magic words.

Mary Alessi [00:15:59]:

Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:16:00]:

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I don't know. Barney, can't remember, but those were songs that we appreciated being taught to our kids. It was teaching them manners.

Mary Alessi [00:16:10]:

Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:16:11]:

It was teaching them how to behave. And you want a child to be celebrated when they walk in a room. But if your child is a terror

Mary Alessi [00:16:22]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:16:22]:

And is not respectful of Others, when they walk into that room, people are not gonna celebrate. They're gonna tolerate your child, and that's not what you want for your kid.

Mary Alessi [00:16:31]:

No. And you're giving yourself a heads a head start by starting when they're small

Steve Alessi [00:16:37]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:16:38]:

And not letting a child, a tantrum, Meltdown in a public place mess your day up.

Steve Alessi [00:16:44]:

Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:16:44]:

And if you'll approach it from the perspective of this is an opportunity for them to learn. And my kid is smart, and they can learn. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:16:52]:

Now

Mary Alessi [00:16:52]:

it's just gonna put me out because I'm making it way difficult, But that's how you teach patients. That's how you teach, just being mindful of other people. We are not gonna scream in this public setting. You scream, we're Stepping out.

Steve Alessi [00:17:07]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:17:08]:

Okay. You scream. When we were at a restaurant the other day, we were outside. It was at the mall, and there's 2 restaurants side by side. And you and I were Sitting outside, and there was a couple with a set of twins. And they were probably about Gianna's age, maybe 2. And I wanted so much to go help that little mother. Maybe I could've, but the father had the quiet twin and was walking around because the twin that was melting down Was sitting at the table just screaming, and you could see the mom was at her wit's end.

Mary Alessi [00:17:35]:

And she was just letting the baby scream and scream, and everybody, excuse me, in both restaurants We're having to tolerate the screaming child. And you feel the pressure on that young mom, but the truth is they should have reversed it. The the calm baby should learn, you get to sit with mommy and the baby that's spiraling out Has to step out of the restaurant. And there's little tips like that that, quite frankly, our parents taught us because they didn't there was zero tolerance. You scream. You make noise. You bring attention to our table. Oh, you're in trouble.

Mary Alessi [00:18:07]:

Even as a little child.

Steve Alessi [00:18:08]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:18:09]:

Now they they weren't they never spanked. It wasn't like that. It was the action of you can't go in there if you scream.

Steve Alessi [00:18:16]:

Yeah. I I loved that, there was a family early on in our ministry. All of us would hang out. And anytime and this person had, like, for kids, for girls. And when they would walk into the room from the oldest to the youngest, and you're probably talking about 10 year olds all the way down to, like, 6 or 5, every one of those little girls would go up to Body in the room Yeah. And give him a little kiss on the cheek. Now it was a pain because you're like, okay. Hold up.

Steve Alessi [00:18:53]:

Let's stop whatever we're doing because now we've got all these kids going to everybody.

Mary Alessi [00:18:57]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:57]:

And they would do that, but it was honoring.

Mary Alessi [00:19:00]:

It's very sweet.

Steve Alessi [00:19:01]:

Respectful. So those parents taught those kids at a young age that when you walk in a room, don't just think of yourself.

Mary Alessi [00:19:09]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:10]:

You go and greet everybody.

Mary Alessi [00:19:12]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:13]:

That's socially acceptable behavior.

Mary Alessi [00:19:16]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:16]:

That's manners.

Mary Alessi [00:19:17]:

That's manners.

Steve Alessi [00:19:18]:

That's important as opposed to I saw somebody the other day. It was actually a friend of mine. Came walking in with about 5 kids, 4 kids, the the grandparent at this stage, and I'm standing there in my position as pastor. It was in the church environment. That person that that grandfather let those kids come in and walked them right by me. Not one of them stopped to say hi, pastor, or hello. Right. And that was a friend Right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:55]:

Who in the moment

Mary Alessi [00:19:57]:

Just forgot.

Steve Alessi [00:19:58]:

Didn't think. Wait a minute.

Mary Alessi [00:19:59]:

Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:20:00]:

Let's stop. Recognize people that one are my friends, people in my world, people also in authority, whether it's a police officer, a doctor, the boss on the job, the pastor, whoever it may be, stop. Greet them. You're teaching them socially acceptable behavior.

Mary Alessi [00:20:21]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:20:22]:

Somebody says, well, my kids got this. My kids got that going on and this, that, and the hey. You're helping your child stop thinking of themselves for those moments.

Mary Alessi [00:20:31]:

Right. It's true.

Steve Alessi [00:20:32]:

Because those children just have to be taught, so you can't leave them up to their own feeling. I think when kids are sitting at a table and they have their cell phones, I think a parent has to step in and teach them. That's bad manners.

Mary Alessi [00:20:46]:

Well, that's a big one. The cell phone's a big one right now.

Steve Alessi [00:20:48]:

You you you don't let a child sit at a table with other people and get so out of touch with what's going on the table that they're distracted, you it's bad social behavior. Somebody says, well, that's what it's happening in the world today. Well, just because it happens doesn't mean we gotta let our kids develop that kind of behavior. Those are bad manners.

Mary Alessi [00:21:09]:

Or or they say, well, they're just kids. They're just kids. Okay. I get it. These kids, but when do they learn? And it it just helps when you pepper in every opportunity you get in that moment to say go over and say hello, Shake hands. Look that adult in the eye, and it makes all the difference in their confidence because that's that's the key.

Steve Alessi [00:21:30]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:21:31]:

It does eventually help boost their confidence because they're practicing social etiquettes

Steve Alessi [00:21:35]:

Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:21:36]:

And they're learning. And if they understand that was rude Because you've taught them if you pass somebody of authority or you pass a person that you know, you stop, you look at them, you say thank you, you say good to see you. You're teaching your child to be a better adult.

Steve Alessi [00:21:51]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:21:51]:

Because at some point, somebody somewhere is gonna teach them that. Mhmm. And you might as well start Early. Grandparents need to help. Parents need to do this. I think even the people around, especially in our social setting when we do have a church environment, It takes a village, and it's okay to reinforce good behavior with other adults In in the room. I think it's super important for you and I. I mean, many times I've watched you when When a single mom or somebody's brought their kids over to you to say hi, and you'll go, hey.

Mary Alessi [00:22:25]:

How you doing, young man? Now look at me. Look me in the eye.

Steve Alessi [00:22:27]:

Or when they shake my hand, they give me a little fish. Yes. Said no. No. No. No. Please.

Mary Alessi [00:22:31]:

Shake my hand really hard. That is so informative for that kid. You're teaching them something in a Split second, that is so helpful. And I think sometimes parents don't understand, especially if you haven't raised them all the way yet, that those little interactions, They're learning more than they even realize. They're gonna be up for a job interview one day.

Steve Alessi [00:22:50]:

That's right.

Mary Alessi [00:22:51]:

And they can walk into a room with their head held high. They know how to shake a hand. They might not track it back to the memory of you saying or someone else saying, look at me, shake my hand hard, but they learned it somewhere.

Steve Alessi [00:23:03]:

Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:23:04]:

And the problem is when we just dismiss kids as they're just kids. They're just kids. Okay. That's great for us as grandparents, but at what point do they learn it? When is it reinforced?

Steve Alessi [00:23:14]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:23:15]:

Because it's very important. And we are in a culture, Steve, where kids have been put on pedestals.

Steve Alessi [00:23:21]:

Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:23:22]:

Kids are worshiped.

Steve Alessi [00:23:22]:

Yes.

Mary Alessi [00:23:23]:

They're idolized. Yeah. Meaning my kid's the smartest. My kid's the brightest. My kids got it going on. It's very hard these days to correct anybody's kids, which is a shame.

Steve Alessi [00:23:36]:

We just lost our lights in the studio. How interesting. Well, we're gonna keep going because we'll get this taken care of. Yeah. Are we good on our cameras anyway? There we go.

Mary Alessi [00:23:47]:

We got some work going on.

Steve Alessi [00:23:49]:

Yeah. No. So what you were saying, babe, is true. Yeah. Now John's over here talking.

Mary Alessi [00:23:55]:

We're gonna have to

Steve Alessi [00:23:56]:

teach John

Mary Alessi [00:23:56]:

to everything. Edit. Edit. Edit. Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:23:58]:

No. So back what you were saying right there because, I I remember this. I remember, a book couple books that I wanted to get early on. 1 was raising a modern day night.

Mary Alessi [00:24:11]:

K? Yes. Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:24:13]:

So I was going to a bible study early in the morning with all the guys in the church. We'd show up, like, 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock in the morning over here, and we would go through a teaching. And The teaching was, at one point about that. How do we intentionalize looking at our kids and saying, alright. I am raising a warrior for the future. I'm raising a a young man right now as a kid that is going to be a strong man as he get older. There was a certain intentionality about it. I remember about raising a gentleman, reading a book about that because I was so concerned or Not concerned.

Steve Alessi [00:24:49]:

I just wanted to be ahead with Christopher because I realized he was mine to raise as a boy.

Mary Alessi [00:24:55]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:24:55]:

And he's gonna be a man one day. There was a pride that I had about that, a good pride to where it sent me to reading and trying to learn. And even though I'm not a reader per se

Mary Alessi [00:25:06]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:25:07]:

I I wanted to get those things right. Just like over the years, I wanted to make sure you and I were right so that I would read about how to make you happy. I would read about how to make sure you're fulfilled and whether it was intimacy or whether it was making sure you're being celebrated as the woman that you were. I always tried to read those things because I wanted to make sure I was doing my part. So I would say to a parent, This may be something that you're not always thinking about, maybe not be top of mind for you right now, but you gotta look at those kids and realize manners. Maybe you weren't raised with them, but it's up to you to instill them into them.

Mary Alessi [00:25:47]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:25:48]:

You've gotta raise those kids. Young adults, you've gotta teach them manners. It's repetitive. You don't do it one time, a one and done kind of a thing. You've told them no. It's something that you have to constantly reinforce.

Mary Alessi [00:26:02]:

That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:26:02]:

When we walk into the room with our grandparents. When we go visit our grandparents, our parents marry, and our kids are with them. It's their grandparents. We let them know before we get out of the car. Alright. Remember for the period of time there, we don't have to do it now because they've learned it. But for a period of time, we had to let him know. Go say hi to Papa.

Steve Alessi [00:26:21]:

Yeah. Go go give grandmama a hug. Go go make sure grandma Faith go hug her. Right. Say hi.

Mary Alessi [00:26:27]:

And she's not even a hugger.

Steve Alessi [00:26:28]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:26:28]:

But we made sure our kids did. Didn't matter. But We taught them the manners we

Steve Alessi [00:26:33]:

wanted to do. Sure it was constantly reinforced. Exactly. And so for parents today, they they just can't be thinking, oh, I said it once, they'll get it. No. You have to reinforce it. You have to repeat it. If you find that they're not doing it, pull them aside.

Steve Alessi [00:26:48]:

Teach them. If you wanna use your phone for anything, text them when they're in a room and they're not doing their part. They're not being real mannerly. Text them and say, no. No. Get off your phone. Look over here. Pay attention.

Steve Alessi [00:27:00]:

Contribute to the conversation. Say thank you. Go up. If you got a gift at Christmas from your grandmother or grandfather or from anybody, make sure you're saying thank you.

Mary Alessi [00:27:09]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:27:10]:

Makes so you're instilling that. So, yes, you you state it, but but then you constantly go back and rehearse it over and over again to make sure it's being instilled into your kids.

Mary Alessi [00:27:21]:

And you will be so glad When they are in their twenties and they are respectful young adults.

Steve Alessi [00:27:27]:

Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:27:27]:

And you they won't just become that. That has to be taught. You know, Going back to social media and, also the phones. Okay? So you have babies and toddlers, and we, you know, talked about screaming and acting out, throwing tantrums. Then moving forward to Getting older and maybe 12, 13 years old, having attitudes either because of social media or because of the culture today, Where there's a mean girl and a mean boy mentality. It's called bullying. Now I don't really Like that word bullying because I think it has a lot of facets to it. What does it mean? In our day, bullying was like you got punched Right? For no reason on the playground.

Mary Alessi [00:28:16]:

Mhmm. Bullying today is mean things that are said in words and all that. When we were growing up, Words could never hurt you. Sticks and stones break my bones, but words never hurt me. But we have found, In this culture, a lot of younger parents are raising, like, preteeners that will say, Oh, you know, they just say it like it is or she can't help it or he can't help it. They're just outspoken like that. You know, they're like me. Well, what we find in in at home, you might be able to get away with that.

Mary Alessi [00:28:49]:

But in a social setting, it can easily get labeled as your kid's a bully. So we know this even firsthand that it's so important to teach your children What it to make sure part of manners is kindness, being kind. If it hurts somebody, don't Say it. Even if it's funny, even if it's a funny reel that you saw on Instagram or social media or a funny post and you reposted but it hurt somebody, Parents really, today, more than ever, need to teach their children to speak kindly because the joking And just being able to dismiss and go, I was just joking, gets out of hand

Steve Alessi [00:29:35]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:29:35]:

Because it becomes cruel. And I know we go back back to our generation, sticks into stones, but wars never hurt me. But there's a lot of cruelty Today, in the way kids talk to one another. I'm I don't remember ever growing up in maybe I maybe I was Told this as a kid that I was ugly or short or fat or I don't know. I don't remember that it ever stayed with me or impacted me.

Steve Alessi [00:30:00]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:30:01]:

Because if I had gone home and told my parents, You know, Kimberly said I was ugly. My parents would have said, we'll go back and tell Kimberly to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Steve Alessi [00:30:11]:

Cheapers.

Mary Alessi [00:30:11]:

You know? Like, my parents would say, tell her to leave you alone and then avoid her. Right. Don't need her to be your friend. She's not your friend. So I I don't know that every parent is giving that advice as much anymore. We are quick to defend our kids from words that are spoken versus get back in there. Stick up for yourself.

Steve Alessi [00:30:34]:

Right.

Mary Alessi [00:30:35]:

But that does go in line as well with manners Because if kids aren't taught at home, making sure you say kind things, Sarcastic, caustic joking with your friends is not gonna go very far because you're gonna easily get labeled as a bully Today. Yep. Because parents on the other side aren't saying, go tell her, you know, to be quiet and get away from me. Right? They call for a family meeting on a school board meeting.

Steve Alessi [00:31:06]:

Gotcha. Well, I'm gonna have AP Allen put these, this little article here in our program notes. It's from Verywell Family, and it says key manners to teach your child.

Mary Alessi [00:31:21]:

K.

Steve Alessi [00:31:21]:

Okay. Somebody says, well, what what am I teaching them? Just do a little goo Google search. Yeah. You're gonna find, Of course, please and thank you. Mhmm. But here's some. Ready? It's may I, and thank you, and how are you? Right. Just something as simple as being considerate of others.

Steve Alessi [00:31:43]:

It talks about Cell phone etiquette, which I'm so happy to hear. But there's things like this. Use mister and miss Yes. Or missus.

Mary Alessi [00:31:53]:

Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:31:54]:

And when we're in Georgia, they always always call me mister Steve. Somebody teaches those kids.

Mary Alessi [00:31:59]:

At 2 3 years old, he was calling you mister

Steve Alessi [00:32:02]:

Stay. Yep. Mister Steve, the little boy that comes over.

Mary Alessi [00:32:05]:

That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:32:05]:

He calls me mister Steve. So sweet. So there's Plenty of places you can go find, to manners that'll be important.

Mary Alessi [00:32:15]:

Right.

Steve Alessi [00:32:15]:

And that's why we wanted to have this conversation with you today. And so we hope that something we have said over the last 32 minutes with all the noise, All the knuckle cracking, all the lights going out has taught you about manners. See? Even I. I need to learn manners. I shouldn't insult Johnny. That's with us in the room today. Thanks for joining us on the family business with the Alessis.

Chris Alessi [00:32:43]:

You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with The Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our Pawdience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to Alessi family business .com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can Add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, And we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis, because family is everybody's business.