Marriage After Baby: How We Communicate Better After Having Kids | S6 E11

Christopher Muiña:

I think Gia was probably, like, 4 or 5 months. Yeah. And we got into a big argument in the house, and we noticed, oh, she's taking note of this.

Stephanie Muiña:

She's watching.

Christopher Muiña:

She's watching. She's she's reacting now. She started to cry.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

And that kinda, like, it hit us Oh. Like, in our hearts a little bit. Hearts. Broke our hearts. That. So that was stage 2. Like, oh, now we we really can't communicate like we used to because we have a baby that now we have to be an example for.

Stephanie Muiña:

Hey, everybody. It is Stephanie, and welcome to the family business with the Alessis. I am here with my husband

Christopher Muiña:

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Stephanie Muiña:

Christopher Muiña, and my name is Stephanie Muiña. And we are just so excited to be here today. The last time we did a podcast together was, like, Months ago, probably 6 or 7 months ago when Rochelle was pregnant with Marino.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. And I don't think we've done one. Just us too. So No. Let's see how this goes.

Stephanie Muiña:

I'm very excited to see how it it turns out. We've we got a different vibe, but it's fun. We we I like that we get to bring people into our conversations, and you have a lot to add to this topic. I have a lot to add to this topic because You and I, we've learned a lot about communication, after children and how to change that communication. But before we get into any of it, I do need to mention, we have merch that we will be selling, and I am so pumped for you guys to see it. We have, the gray sweater, which is my favorite. Which one would she want, babe?

Christopher Muiña:

I don't know. The little baby onesie.

Stephanie Muiña:

Same. Same. We'll probably need 2 of those soon.

Christopher Muiña:

Mhmm.

Stephanie Muiña:

And just so people know, we are 19 days out from our due date for our 2nd child, Matthew Muiña.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. It seems like every time we come on the podcast, there's, like, a new phase of life that we're either entering or just have entered. 1st, it was marriage. Yeah. Then it was our 1st baby, and now it's having 2 or the second one about to come. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:

Chris, can you before we get into this whole topic, because we're gonna be talking about How you and I had to change our communication skills after we had Gia. And but there's there's a lot of context that I would love for you to explain, like, our our story. Not really our dating story, but how fast we were engaged, how fast we got married, and then how fast We had the baby. Can you tell them the whole story about how that all rolled out?

Christopher Muiña:

So we were dating well, before we started dating, we didn't really know each other at all, so there was no, like, really history of each other. So we were dating for, 6 months.

Stephanie Muiña:

6 months.

Christopher Muiña:

And then we were engaged for 6 months. We got married. 5. Okay, yeah, we got married within the year.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. We did.

Christopher Muiña:

And then we had Gia within before our like, a month before our 1st year anniversary.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. We got pregnant, I think, a month and a half into marriage.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. So things changed in our lives fast. But at the same time, I'm I'm kind of a believer that whether it takes a long time or or a short amount of time, that change is still gonna hit you like a ton of bricks that you have to deal with at some point or another. Yeah. So, yes, we had to deal with them a little bit faster then maybe some other people have to. Yeah. But we still are are learning to deal with them in the same the same ways and, hopefully, in a healthy way.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. No. That was we learned that pretty fast because we had a moment where we were like, did we do things too fast? I did at least. I was nervous that maybe we ran The whole, like, children thing and marriage thing too quickly. And then we would get her on to other couples, and they would be having And they were couples that took their time, took their time getting married, took their time having kids, and we all had the same exact struggles.

Christopher Muiña:

Mhmm.

Stephanie Muiña:

And, of course, it's something that that you and I were called to do. We we knew immediately when we met. Like, this is the one for me, and we both got guidance, but It was pretty crazy.

Christopher Muiña:

Well, there's something about just blending 2 different lives together now as one Yeah. That there's gonna be conflict. There's gonna be, learning, and there's gonna be, kind of a change that you have to kinda overcome no matter the timing of it. Yeah. And it's like you said, as long as you know you're you you have a clear direction from the Lord that, hey. This is the person that you're gonna marry or this this is the time to have kids. Then you can kind of always go back to that.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. So just let's ask the question then. How did your communication change after we had children? Because it We kinda had we threw ourselves into that whole life. We didn't really have that much time to develop proper communication Before we had kids, it was a pretty we were dating, and we were talking about marriage. And we got engaged, and it was all about the wedding. And then We got married in a month and a half in. We we got pregnant. So we immediately had to start training our brains.

Stephanie Muiña:

Oh, man. Kids are coming. This is gonna change our marriage. This is gonna change us. We didn't even really have a lot of time to build our own foundation, just you and us you and me. It was we built a foundation with Gia from the beginning, which I think worked out really well for us. I I needed that personally. That was totally God.

Stephanie Muiña:

But big question to you, how do you think our communication what was something that we had to prioritize in our communication after we Had Gia.

Christopher Muiña:

I think it was definitely being intentional with the time that that is allotted to us, whether that's in the car driving or whether that's late at night once Gia's asleep or in the morning early in the morning before Gia wakes up, kind of using those windows of of time a little bit managing that time a little bit better. Mhmm. Because before, you can kind of allow conversation to come up organically or spontaneously, and and you can talk about things like that because, I mean, there's nothing really to interrupt your time other than maybe work.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

With with a a child, your focus is so much on taking care of that child and feeding them and bathing them and, making sure they're okay or watching them that they're not getting into trouble that Yeah. By the time you can actually sit down and gather your thoughts and bring up a topic of conversation that, number 1, maybe you wanna address that maybe, I don't know, something in marriage related.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

You're constantly interrupted with a child in the way, so you have to do it. Mommy.

Stephanie Muiña:

Mommy. Daddy. Daddy. Mommy. Daddy. And our child talks A lot. Very early. She's only 18 months, and she's already saying, like, full sentences.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. So you gotta I've I've learned that when a window presents itself, whenever that window is, take advantage and be intentional about your conversation. If there's something important that you need to talk It's not always, but every once in a while, there's something that and I don't personally like confrontation. That's not, like, my strong suit. Yeah. So for me to bring up the topic that it's like, hey. This came up, and we need to talk about it. I know.

Christopher Muiña:

I have to build myself up to it. So when my time is limited, I just have to kinda, like, break out of that show and be like, hey, Steph. Remember that this thing happened, whatever, a couple days ago. Let's talk about this. Or, hey. What are we doing for the holidays? What's gonna be our plans? Because you know? Things like that.

Stephanie Muiña:

I know. We're just more straightforward about it. But what was it? I remember before, what we would do, which was foolish, was we'd wait for a passive aggressive comment Or we wait for a massive, massive, like, argument, and then we would finally get to this is what I I wanted to tell you this whole time. And we would both be like, then why didn't you just say that from the start? Like, why did we have to go through a day of arguing for us To to finally get to what we were trying to really communicate. And now we're like, okay. We need to we need to move on from that kind of immature communicating.

Christopher Muiña:

Well, I think so Gia is a year and a half, so I think it's taken us a year and a half to kinda get where we are. And then I've I've noticed if you kinda, like, reflect back on this year and a half, Our communication styles has changed and grown in stages. So that first stage would be probably, like, 2 months into taking care of a newborn. Yeah. There was a blowup because all of our focus and attention was on trying to keep this little newborn alive, and we really we kinda put our marriage relationship and our marriage needs kind of on the back burner because it was like, something way more important, and this is baby, and neither of us know what we're doing. So it's like all of our attention was

Stephanie Muiña:

Baby baby.

Christopher Muiña:

Towards baby. Yes. Taking care of Gia. And after a month or 2, there was a blow up, and it was because of that. So that would, I think, would be stage 1. And we realized, okay. We can't let this happen. We have to, attend to our marital needs, and I have to attend to your needs and yours to mine.

Christopher Muiña:

And then stage 2 was I think Gio was probably, like, 4 or 5 months. And we got into a big argument in the house, and we noticed, oh, she's taking note of this. She's watching. She's watching. She's she's reacting now. She started to cry. Yeah. And that kinda, like it hit us Oh, really? In our hearts a little bit.

Christopher Muiña:

Hearts. Broke our hearts.

Stephanie Muiña:

Needed that.

Christopher Muiña:

So that was stage 2. Like, oh, now we we really can't communicate like we used to because we have a baby that now we have to be an example for.

Stephanie Muiña:

And let's be honest. You and I, We're not the best communicators individually. It's not like I was a talker and you were the silent one, or you were the talker and I was the quiet one. We both didn't really come in with the best communication skills. We had to figure it out as we went. You know?

Christopher Muiña:

I mean, I don't think any new married couple does. I think Yeah. Any new married couple has to figure that out.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. No. But did something definitely changed when we noticed Gia was watching Because it was like, oh, dang. She's watching and she's taking it in, and she that night, she started crying. I remember we were just It shattered us because we felt I felt so just immature about it, and I thought I could have handled that moment so much better. And then also, still dealing with, like, postpartum hormones. I felt like a monster. I was like, I need to really learn how to handled these situations better.

Stephanie Muiña:

But, of course, your first solution is then let's not argue at all. Let's try to avoid arguing completely, but That's not realistic.

Christopher Muiña:

No. I I remember that that night or the next day, we had to, bring Gia in and hug each other and hug her and do this big old family hug and, like, kiss each other just to show her, hey. Mom and dad are okay. Like, each look. You saw us, fighting Yeah. But we still love each other as a family.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. So

Christopher Muiña:

we kinda had to be do that now.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. And we well, the you wanna avoid every single argument for the sake of of your babies, but that's just not realistic. And then I think that might do more damage to your kids because you're not teaching them conflict resolution. And I started to really Learn and practice this idea of our children learn about the world. They learn about conflict resolution. They learn about communication. They learn about relational strife and working it out from us. And you always say it.

Stephanie Muiña:

It's more through our actions than what we teach them. It's talked to them and train them and teach them. But the best way to teach them is to just show them and to do it. And it eve it clicked even further that Our marriage is that's why our marriage needs to be my number one priority at all times. Because if you and I are healthy, then it shows our kids, Shows Gia a healthy way of communication, a healthy way to resolve conflict. And I love for my kids to know, Hey. My mom, she is gonna make sure that she's on the same page with my dad at all times.

Christopher Muiña:

Well, I think one of the pitfalls that, marriages fall into is doing things for the sake of the kids Mhmm. When that's kind of the half truth. I think

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

Our communication, and we have to be on the same page because of our marriage. Our marriage has to be strong. And as a byproduct, our kids are learning healthy ways of doing things.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. So then question for you. What was what were some ways that I changed my communication?

Christopher Muiña:

No. That was supposed to be my question to you.

Stephanie Muiña:

What? Yeah. No. And we were gonna ask each other the same thing back and forth. Well, I initiated it, So I cannot communicate.

Christopher Muiña:

So repeat the question.

Stephanie Muiña:

The question was, how can, Wait. I kinda forgot the question. We wrote it down. What is the question? You ask me first. You ask me. The question was

Christopher Muiña:

okay.

Stephanie Muiña:

What were some ways

Christopher Muiña:

Is there a way that I communicate differently after kids that you appreciate?

Stephanie Muiña:

That's what it was. Your clarity. I love how much clearer you are, where you just what you you're communicating. Like, before the issue was neither of us would communicate, but now you're communicating. Like, I've we and we're getting earlier and earlier. So In in regards to the holiday conversation, we have already, like, talked it out. This is what I want. This is what I'm expecting because We were we would totally, like, forget about or what's the best way to say it? We would get angry at each other, And it was like, wait.

Stephanie Muiña:

Why are we so mad? And it was because one of us expected something and got a massive disappointment. Like, that I think it was July 4th or something. You were expecting a certain plan for July 4th, and it fell through. And I just had no idea that that's what you were expecting. I I Didn't know that's what she wanted. And now once I got once it was clear to me what you were expecting, it made me more excited to give you what she wanted to do on July 4th. So I think not just communicating, what, Like, what you want, but communicating what you're looking forward to and expecting for a holiday, for me, for Gianna, how I handle Gia, How you want the house, whatever it is. And me being able to communicate, hey.

Stephanie Muiña:

I'm sorry. I can't do that or I can. And Sympathizing and understanding why you would expect that, why you would want that, and agreeing with your desires to want that, But just being honest with I can meet that expectation or I can't meet that expectation. So I think that was a big change. It it really wasn't just Sitting around, like, shooting the breeze, talking about everything, but being intentional with what you're saying and being intentional with what you're communicating. That changed, and that helped me a lot and also kinda getting rid of the the The blame in communication. Like, we took out all shame, and we took out all disagreeableness in the conversation as well. It was it came with a heart to get on the same page and a heart to agree with each other.

Christopher Muiña:

I think I think I learned through the process of, 2 2 or 3 years of marriage that I can't expect you to know what I want or know what what bothers me or I can't just expect you to know that. Maybe not yet. Maybe in 20 years, I can expect that. But the 1st couple years of marriage, that's not a reality. And I think maybe I was putting that on you, and that's what led to kinda false expectations being not being met. So I had to be a little bit more clear. Yeah. And not mean, but clear.

Christopher Muiña:

Mhmm. And that gave you now a plan or something to work with.

Stephanie Muiña:

Well, then I was excited to meet your expectations. I I wanted to. As a wife, I really wanna make you happy. Like, when you're happy and when you are being Christopher Muina and his best self, it is my favorite, and I love it. To see you just thrive because you're living life, I I love doing that. And I think the last last Christmas When we went through that hardship of, like, the holidays and what are we planning to do for the holidays, we both finally Came to terms with, okay. I I do wanna live to make you happy, and I I want you to have what you want. And if we can have a healthy back and forth of that, then we'll be we'll be from every time you serve me, it makes me wanna serve you even more And vice versa.

Stephanie Muiña:

And, yeah, just knowing what you clearly were expecting out of something, it only fired me up to To wanna give that to you. You know? Yeah. What about me? How did I change my communication?

Christopher Muiña:

I think you

Stephanie Muiña:

What did I do right?

Christopher Muiña:

No. I think you didn't you didn't let things

Stephanie Muiña:

How am I amazing?

Christopher Muiña:

I I think you didn't you didn't let things escalate to the point where you would get super defensive about things that I didn't really mean to for it to be taken that way. Mhmm. You know You can

Stephanie Muiña:

be honest.

Christopher Muiña:

An argument would not last more than one day

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

Or a couple hours Yeah. Because it was like, okay, you you came in with a very clear head of, a very, what would be, objective, mindset of approaching an argument or,

Stephanie Muiña:

That's nice to hear.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. And that and that it didn't lead to emotional, I guess, like, emotions running wild Yeah. And then it being dragged out for days at a time.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yes. That I've loved about this season of marriage. You and I have learned how to just laugh off our arguments pretty quickly.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:

Right? Am I right?

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. You're right.

Stephanie Muiña:

Okay. Good. I hope so. I hope I'm right because I'm able to laugh him off. No. We have. We're we're now getting into, like, a good season of, like, okay. I heard him.

Stephanie Muiña:

He's right. I get it. And he heard me. Let's just joke about it and move on. And within, like, a couple hours, we're over it. And if we're laughing about it, which makes it so much better. And that's another, big thing that I think you do much better now is laughing about certain things and just turning them into jokes and making it something to to make fun of instead of something to take so seriously.

Christopher Muiña:

Well, I think at the at the root of communication is that you just wanna be heard. Yeah. So if I feel like you hear me, and you are understanding where I'm coming from or why I'm communicating to this and vice versa. If I hear you and I okay. Stephanie, I understand. Yeah. Then that makes you feel that's it. That's it.

Christopher Muiña:

Like, my dukes are down. My gloves are off. We can back being back to being friends because all I wanted was to be heard.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. That's it. Yeah. And if I also that gives me a ton of grace to know he's trying. That even after the argument, if you fail again in what I wanted you to do, it's okay because he's trying. Like, he's He heard me that one time. He knows my heart. He knows what I I want.

Stephanie Muiña:

We communicated it. It's okay if it's taking him a little bit more time because it's This is his first time ever being married. This is his first time ever working this season out with me. And I I the fact that we were able to get through that conversation with laughter and understanding, I I just have tons of grace for you, and I I get it.

Christopher Muiña:

I think it also helps that both of us are doing is to follow-up with an action. So not just leave it as, okay. I get it, Steph. Like, I understand. I'm sorry. Whatever.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

And move on. No. What can I do now as an action to show her not only did I hear her, but I'm willing to put some put some traction to to our conversation? So, like, you, for example

Stephanie Muiña:

You do that

Christopher Muiña:

really well. We had a it was the end of the month. We were running low on our budget when it comes to food, and I was like, Steph, we need to stop spending money on food. Like, we can't eat out. And you don't get offensive about it. You just meal prep that because we had, like, a week left in the month. Yeah. So you meal prep that month, and we ate lunch or you we packed our lunch every day at work that week.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. And it was like, okay. She's putting an effort. Like, she's hearing what I'm saying.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah. You know, something that is Is honestly, it's still hard for me, is when we are coming to an agreement after an argument or a conversation, and It is very hard for me to say, or it's quick for me to say, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry that that's what you heard, but that's not what I said. And it's not a genuine apology.

Christopher Muiña:

No.

Stephanie Muiña:

I I don't. That doesn't help us get to on the same page about how you felt about what I said or about what I did because that's not me admitting my fault. That's me admitting that you felt a certain way, and I'm sorry that you felt that way. Yeah. And it doesn't help get the ball down the field when it comes to our communication. So because I'm just more of a black and white thinker, and I truly believe sometimes what I said was not bad. What I said was not disrespectful. How could you think that it was disrespectful? And I'm learning more and more every single day.

Stephanie Muiña:

If that's how you felt about what I said or what I did, that's that's the fact. That is the fact. And if it did you wrong, my number 1 partner in life, my teammate for everything, If it made you feel bad and if it did you wrong, then it was wrong, and I need to learn a better way to communicate to you. And you know what? The way I communicate to you, the way I communicate to my sisters, the way I communicate to my friends, it may be different, but that's okay. And it's it's the same way for you to me. I you'll make jokes to your friends or you'll make jokes to your parents or your jokes to your family. And I'm like, oh my gosh. If he ever said that to me, I would be so ticked off.

Stephanie Muiña:

But it's because I like to be communicated to in a different way, and it's it's it's just Something that you and I have learned over time, but that is that's something I'm really trying to put into practice. Don't just say sorry for How I how you may feel by what I said. I'm sorry for what I said. I'm sorry for how I disrespected you. I will learn to better that as I as we move on.

Christopher Muiña:

And I think that's been a a real challenge, especially for you and I because of our personalities.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yes.

Christopher Muiña:

Or we both Oh

Stephanie Muiña:

my gosh.

Christopher Muiña:

It's not that we're hard headed. It's that we

Stephanie Muiña:

We're so strong in our

Christopher Muiña:

Once we know this is right, then there's not really gonna you can't really do much to change that.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

So if I say something to you that I don't feel is is wrong, but you do. That that's hard for me to be like, Chris, you were wrong. Like Yeah. Even though I don't think I'm wrong, but she thinks you're wrong. So you gotta have to make a change, you know, for some things, not for everything. There's certain things that that fall on me to be like, no. This is what we're doing Yeah. As a family.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

And that's not gonna change. Yeah. Very rarely, but that's it's we're talking about communication.

Stephanie Muiña:

So Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

That's that's a challenge for us because you're the same way. You're

Stephanie Muiña:

Exactly.

Christopher Muiña:

Super, when something is right in your mind, it's solidified.

Stephanie Muiña:

Mhmm. But then when we're on the same page, it's like we're unstoppable.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah.

Stephanie Muiña:

And it's perfect for for parents trying to raise good kids. Last question before we go. What are you expecting with the 2nd child? What are you expecting to adjust when the 2nd child comes or do more of?

Christopher Muiña:

Gosh. I don't know. I I think we're gonna have to divide our time a little bit more where I take care of 1 and you take care of the other.

Stephanie Muiña:

Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:

So I really don't know what to expect. I'm not one to get nervous until the the bell rings or the the whistle blows to start to start the game.

Stephanie Muiña:

I know.

Christopher Muiña:

So I, it's just we'll take it as it goes.

Stephanie Muiña:

We'll take it

Christopher Muiña:

as it goes. Learning curve, and we'll probably be back on in this podcast in 6 months.

Stephanie Muiña:

I know. But I'm excited to do it with you, Chris, because we've been so teachable. You've been so teachable and and adjustable and so fun along the way that it's made it a really wild ride, but we've changed so much. Thank god we changed. Mhmm. Yeah. Both needed to change.

Christopher Muiña:

Yeah. Change is good.

Stephanie Muiña:

Anything else you wanna say before we go?

Christopher Muiña:

No. That's it. I like I like communicating with you.

Stephanie Muiña:

I love communicating with you. You're a good communicator. Quiet sometimes, but you communicate very, very well. Thank you. Well, that is us on the family.

Christopher Muiña:

Oh, let's bring it

Stephanie Muiña:

to you. Wait a minute. We need to show our baby girl.

Christopher Muiña:

Gia. Gianna. Come

Stephanie Muiña:

here, Gianna. Hello, Gianna. Do you wanna come say goodbye to everybody? Here. Go to dad. Hi.

Christopher Muiña:

Saying bye.

Stephanie Muiña:

Say hello well, first, say hello.

Christopher Muiña:

Oh,

Stephanie Muiña:

wow. Mhmm. Daddy. Yeah. She's Pointing to the microphone saying, that's daddy's. That's daddy's. Can you say hello? Hi. She's Mama.

Stephanie Muiña:

My dad's

Christopher Muiña:

This is daddy's too. She knows what's daddy's and what's mommy's.

Stephanie Muiña:

And what's mommy's. Are you ready, Come up over here, and let me say goodbye to everybody. Come. Bye. Here. Ready? Come sit with mom. Okay. Look at that camera.

Stephanie Muiña:

Look at Ashley. Here we go. Well, that is our talk today on the family business with the Alessis. Thank you so much for tuning in, and we hope that this encouraged you. We hope that you learned something from my husband, Christopher, and I, and I'm just so honored that you guys tuned in today. Say goodbye, Gia. Say goodbye. Bye.

Stephanie Muiña:

Have a good day, everybody.

Chris Alessi:

You've just Enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at Anytime. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them And helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to a lesse family business .com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:

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