No Offense: Why Men Should Master Emotions and Quit Being Easily Offended | S6 E17

Steve Hage [00:00:00]:
Because that's probably the case. Mhmm. There's just only so much bandwidth you have, pastor.

Steve Alessi:  [00:00:06]:
Mhmm.

Steve Hage [00:00:06]:
And you just can't irresponsibly be letting out information because once you let it out, you have to manage what you let out.

Steve Alessi [00:00:14]:
Oh, yeah. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business. I've got a great Podcast subject for you today. We're gonna be talking about offense, and we know how Fragile it is in families where everybody wants to get offended. So I'm continuing bing and hanging in the podcast booth with my friend, pastor Steve Hage. We've known each other for almost 30 years. Life's good. We've been through some things together.

Steve Hage [00:00:58]:
Life's great. So I asked him to stick around because we were going at it so hard In our last episode that I thought, you know, we've been around enough to, get hurt, hurt by people, hurt by experiences, even hurt by men that We have respected and honored, and it's been very easy if we allowed our flesh to to carry an offense. So We ended this last I lost my there we go. We ended our last episode talking about the plow And the root and how the rock. And the thing that hit my head head was the the the root of offense. Or the rocks of offense. Rocks of offense. Right.

Steve Alessi [00:01:46]:
Roots and rocks. So we

Steve Hage [00:01:48]:
live in an environment today where everybody gets easily offended. And I think the thing that drives me crazy is I see Strong men get so easily offended. So let's talk about that, man. How do we, 1, get offended. And and how do we keep ourselves from letting that offense take root in our life that can really destroy relationships?

Steve Alessi [00:02:17]:
So I got invited. You'll crack up at this. I got invited to be on this panel of pastors that have had longevity in marriage to to What

Steve Hage [00:02:34]:
was that, like 3 people? 3 on the panel? Oh. It was about

Steve Alessi [00:02:39]:
I was by myself. No. No. No. There was a few guys there, and, and they they wanted us to talk about, what are some keys to you having longevity in marriage? I've been married 43 years to the same person. Some guy's been married 43 years, and there's her 4th marriage, you know. But anyway, so everyone's talking, and, you know, I don't have a conventional take on scriptures.

Steve Hage [00:03:11]:
I

Steve Alessi [00:03:11]:
just I just think that there's a, you can't fix unconventional lives with conventional wisdom. So there's got to be something profound in the scriptures that empower us past are unconventional situations. Some situations are conventional. They can have conventional solutions. But when we're talking about being offended, when we're talking about being hurt, where does that come from? What's the genesis of that? What was the inauguration of your offendedness or your pain or the root? What trace it back. It's not what happens to you that causes it. It's what comes through the door of what happens to you. So everybody can get over stuff, but We can't get over the lie that comes through the door of what happened.

Steve Alessi [00:04:02]:
Mhmm. Okay. So, they're asking, you know, what, you know, what's your key? What's the key, give us a key, so they come to me. I I didn't get invited back, and they said, pastor Steve, what's the key? I said, I don't trust my wife. And the and the the guy that was doing the interview goes, what? And everyone's like, And, he said, I thought marriages were built on trust. I said, they are, but not in people. I said, doesn't Proverbs chapter 3 and I I got asked to write an article on how to never get hurt again for some publication. And, Proverbs chapter 3 says, trust in the lord.

Steve Alessi [00:04:46]:
Trust in the trust trust in the Lord with how much of your heart?

Steve Hage [00:04:53]:
Yeah. Oh.

Steve Alessi [00:04:54]:
All of your heart. So how much of your heart's trust is reserved for people? Mhmm. Because the reason why you got hurt is you always say, Did you? I trusted you.

Steve Hage [00:05:08]:
Wow.

Steve Alessi [00:05:10]:
I believed that what you said about us was real. I trusted you, and now you've broken my trust

Steve Hage [00:05:21]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:05:21]:
And I'm offended. Okay. Well

Steve Hage [00:05:25]:
Sorry to laugh.

Steve Alessi [00:05:26]:
Listen. No. It's true.

Steve Hage [00:05:27]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:05:27]:
So the why why do we get in trouble? Because we treat people like God. Wow. And we treat God like people. The Bible doesn't tell us, husbands, trust your wives. Say, husbands, love your wives. We are not called to trust people. We're called to love people and trust God. Well, what about, love the lord with all your heart, mind? Wait.

Steve Alessi [00:05:53]:
Wait. Wait. Doesn't the Bible say in this in in this is love? Not that we love him, but that he loved us first. So our love for God is a reflex reaction to him loving us. We didn't come up with loving God. He came up with loving us, and we're just reciprocating out of it. So When we trust God, our expectation in God is way up here, And our expectation in people is way down here. When we trust people, our expectation in God is way down here, and our expectation in people is way up here.

Steve Alessi [00:06:34]:
So when your pastor says something and look, you talk for a living. You don't think you're gonna say Something wrong or inaccurate or not a complete thought or whatever. Eventually, sometimes, somewhere, you talk for a living. You're going to say Something that is incomplete and has built in the potential to offend somebody. Okay. But if my expectation is is in you higher than God, then I get offended, and then I give you power, Your performance has more power than his performance.

Steve Hage [00:07:10]:
Wow.

Steve Alessi [00:07:11]:
So I'm trusting in you more than I'm trusting in God, and I'm leaning to me understanding when the Bible says don't lean on your own understanding. Well, I just need to understand. No. No. You don't need to understand.

Steve Hage [00:07:26]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:07:27]:
You need to trust. Mhmm. And so So much of our problems come from trying to be understood rather than understanding that you're not gonna understand everything. So you've gotta trust God. Lean not to your understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge him. In fact, in other words, extract the gift out of the moment, and then God will make it straight. He'll straighten it out.

Steve Hage [00:07:59]:
Wow.

Steve Alessi [00:07:59]:
He'll straighten it out. He'll straighten out the White House. He'll straighten out the church house. He'll straighten out the courthouse. He'll straighten out the the clubhouse. He'll straighten out the schoolhouse. But if we stay connected to god's house, god will straighten out every other house, or you're gonna end up in the outhouse. Come on, somebody.

Steve Alessi [00:08:19]:
So so the issue is not trusting people. The issue is loving people. Peter says this, and then you could talk. Peter says if you want, since it's your show. Okay. Peter said this. He said, be diligent. No.

Steve Alessi [00:08:38]:
Above all, be diligent

Steve Alessi [00:08:41]:
Wow.

Steve Hage [00:08:41]:
In your love for one another because love covers a multitude of sin. We're we we always say God's love covers. God's love covers. No. No. No. That's not what it's talking about in context. It's talking about your love for me and my love for you covers you.

Steve Alessi [00:08:58]:
Above all, I'm not talking about my vertical connection.

Steve Alessi [00:09:03]:
Yeah.

Steve Hage [00:09:04]:
I can only love you because I trust him. Yeah. If I trust him, your performance doesn't have anything to do with my decision to love you. So why do we get offended? Why do we get hurt? Because we treated people like God, and we treat God like people. I just love you, lord. I love you so much. I love you. God done nothing.

Steve Hage [00:09:26]:
He's like, trust me. And trust that I love you, And you'll love me. And then from that place, cover people. Cover what they say. Cover what they don't say, cover what they do, cover what they don't do. And let me just say this. It's what they did to you and what you did to yourself that you have to cover that with love. Trusting God does not cover your sin.

Steve Hage [00:09:57]:
Loving people out of your trust from God. So if your trust in God does not translate horizontally in love for people, then you got it wrong. Stop trusting people.

Steve Ale [00:10:09]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:10:10]:
What do you think a frail, finite, fractured And I can come up with other things that start with f about people. Don't you understand when a human acts like a human and you're shocked? Yeah. And now you act worse than them by inventing a rationale that gives you permission to be offended. When Psalm 119 verse 165 says, if I love the law of God's grace, God's mercy, God's compassion, If I love his law, I'll have great peace, and nothing shall be able to offend me. Why am I giving your performance power over my piece when my piece is connected to his performance, not yours? His performance empowers me to love you when I witness inconsistencies in your performance.

Steve Hage [00:11:07]:
Is

Steve Alessi [00:11:07]:
what I think.

Steve Hage [00:11:09]:
No. That's powerful. That's powerful. Because here's you know, I wish People wouldn't understand both sides of it because, you know, they think from a communicator standpoint. And like you said, they they question, how could you have said that to me? And they put so much weight on the words that we speak, and they're offended by it. But they don't think how their words have an impact on Myself, for instance. So I get up and I I let the organization know, the the church family know, that, My mom went through a health scare. Yeah.

Steve Hage [00:11:51]:
Now I waited, 2 weeks to tell them, about a week and a half. Because prior to me telling them, we had a child born in our family, and

Steve Alessi [00:12:04]:
a A grandchild.

Steve Hage [00:12:05]:
A grandchild born in our family, And I did not want to overshadow that. I wanted to celebrate the moment because I was handling the other part with my mom. And then at the same time, somebody in the church who had lost a son, 29 year old, through a tragic accident, was getting ready to have the funeral. And on top of all of that, we're in the middle of the holidays. So I'm like, you know, I don't wanna have to share 1 more heavy bit of information that could just add to some of this stuff that people are are dealing with. So I waited and I make the public statement. Somebody comes up to me after the end of that Statement the end of the day highlights and so on says, you know, I'm offended that you did not trust me with that information beforehand. You should have told us.

Steve Hage [00:12:59]:
You should have trusted us that we could handle it. And I'm looking at that person, and I had to really watch my thoughts.

Steve Alessi [00:13:08]:
Well, it didn't have anything to do with them. It had everything to do with you knowing what you were able to handle. You set the thermostat of the house. So you're like, I can't make it too hot in here. Mhmm. Otherwise, I won't be able to handle it. It has nothing to do with our trust for them. It has everything to do with our bandwidth to manage the environment.

Steve Alessi [00:13:40]:
So I can only let its wisdom to know your level. And so what you're basically saying is, oh, no, no, no. I completely trust you. I don't trust me. I want to rejoice with the birth of a newborn. I don't wanna take away from that moment. I want to be available spiritually and emotionally to support this family who's grieving. I want to alleviate any Particles of contamination for the holidays and us giving thanks.

Steve Alessi [00:14:15]:
And it's all I could do to manage my mom. Let alone answer all the questions and all of that. So I because of my capacity, not yours. Of course, you're more mature than me. You have greater capacity than I do. I had to manage. I had to let the rope out as I was able to handle it. So thank you.

Steve Alessi [00:14:43]:
What they're really saying is we care so much. We thought we were closer. And I'm sorry. I'm not as I don't have as much bandwidth as you probably think I have. I was just trying to manage the environment because I have to manage the environment. I have to comfort and do funerals and rejoice with new births, and I got the holidays that we wanna keep the the family, the church family focused on gratitude, which enables our hearts to tell better stories Mhmm. About our lives. And I want that to be the environment.

Steve Alessi [00:15:19]:
So I'm thank you for loving me so much, and thank you for caring, and thank you for being bigger than I am because that's probably the case. There's just only so much bandwidth you have, pastor,

Steve Hage [00:15:31]:
and

Steve Alessi [00:15:32]:
you just can't irresponsibly be letting out information. Because once you let it out, you have to manage what you let out.

Steve Hage [00:15:39]:
Oh, yeah. So As was that case. Totally.

Steve Alessi [00:15:43]:
Can't even look at the information. Now I have to worry about somebody else's elective information. Yeah. Yeah. So

Steve Hage [00:15:50]:
I'm just thankful we don't have to get offended on our side.

Steve Alessi [00:15:53]:
What? Nobody has to get offended.

Steve Hage [00:15:55]:
We can't manage that. We can't We

Steve Alessi [00:15:57]:
cannot think of ourselves as the center of the universe.

Steve Hage [00:16:01]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:16:02]:
Because when they discover the center of the universe, There's gonna be a lot of people that are disappointed that they're not in. You know? Right? But but the privilege of loving and covering and understanding that that supersedes people's issues. And it's our privilege to be able to witness people's issues flaring up. You know, to me, it's like, oh, you know, thank you for trusting me with your issue flaring up. I'm not gonna flare up because you're flaring up, but but people love you. They love your family. Yeah. They care.

Steve Alessi [00:16:48]:
They they wanna be close. They wanna be on the inside. They port. They wanna pray. They wanna give. They wanna serve. So that's where that was coming from, I think. And then you love them so much that you had to withhold it.

Steve Alessi [00:17:04]:
It would have been easier to help me carry this, guys, but your love for them prohibited that. So Yeah. It's okay.

Steve Hage [00:17:11]:
So I got, we've got men in our society today. Yeah. Just easily offended. You know what what what's happening? Why why is the the strong men being brought to their knees with just simple words that all of a sudden is creating an offense

Steve Alessi [00:17:29]:
because men are encouraged to operate in feminine energy. And so There's the, sometimes the church world is the emasculation of our masculine energy as men. And so we are celebrated when we act like women.

Steve Hage [00:17:54]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:17:55]:
And we're put down when we're act when we act like men. Mhmm. So we get and we and we gravitate because we're men, which are little boys in bodies that shave, we gravitate toward the ovation. So when we get applauded by women Yeah. Who we live to protect and provide. And they have And please. And please. They have this unbelievably powerful approval mechanism that we gravitate toward, and their applause.

Steve Alessi [00:18:41]:
They don't applaud. Women need to learn how to applaud the masculinity of men rather than the femininity of men. So they applaud our sensitivity. Yeah. They applaud our vulnerability. They applaud our girliness. They they love it when we're having high tea and sandwiches with our 2 year old daughter. They think somehow that's some kind of thing, you know, instead of giving them a bow and say, let's go kill often.

Steve Alessi [00:19:17]:
You know, they're like, look, and they're having high teen. You got a little hat on, little crown, and and you and you get applauded. Isn't he sweet. Look at how sensitive he is. Oh, yeah. Okay. So and then when we're asked to act like men

Steve Hage [00:19:30]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:19:31]:
In our emotions, We have been neglecting the development of that. And I listen to pre I can listen to preachers that that propagate and promote the narrative of men acting like women equals spirituality rather than be in a man's man Yeah. Where you know how to confront yourself. You know how to take responsibility for stuff that ain't even your responsibility. You know how to lead the family. You know how to set the thermostat. Last time I checked, My wife has my last name. I don't have her last name.

Steve Alessi [00:20:08]:
Okay? So yeah. Really, there There are times when men have to hold court in their house. Why? Because you're the king. Yeah. Kings hold court. So so there That isn't popular. Not at all. And then we applaud women

Steve Hage [00:20:25]:
Our Latin audience is gonna have a hard time

Steve Alessi [00:20:27]:
with that comment about what they say. Matriarchal It's a matriarchal culture.

Steve Hage [00:20:31]:
You know what? Here's what's crazy. Women will sit there and post, wow, he got me flowers today. When they need to be posting He

Steve Alessi [00:20:42]:
paid the bills today. The bills today. I got in my car and had gas in it. There you go. I turned on the stove and and fire came out. Yeah. I, I flipped the light switch, and the light came on. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:20:53]:
I walked outside, and the grass was cut. I looked at my kid, and we got health insurance.

Steve Hage [00:20:58]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:20:59]:
And guess what? We're going to a good school because he bought a wonderful home in a nice neighborhood and no. I'm applauding I'm applauding high tea with my 3 year old when I need to be like, go out there and kill the bear, baby. Yeah. Go out there and applaud our masculinity.

Steve Hage [00:21:18]:
All of that then just creates this Sensitivity. Sensitivity in them.

Steve Alessi [00:21:23]:
And so I'm not asking you to be sensitive not not to be sensitive. I'm asking you to be sensitive to the right things.

Steve Hage [00:21:30]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:21:30]:
Are you sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit? Are you sensitive to contributing with your time, your talent, and your treasure to the vision of God that's giving you a life? Are you are you sensitive to the needs of your fam are you sensitive to what is creating vulnerability in your home? What's creating vulnerability with your children, your marriage, your Finances your mask your own self. Are you are you accountable and and have and moving toward integrity in your masculinity, are you are you going to men's retreats where you're learning how to be a spiritual leader? Those are the things that need to be applauded. We already got 1 mom. Mhmm. We don't need another one. Mhmm. K. So I'm not mad at anybody.

Steve Alessi [00:22:17]:
Maybe I am. But but but we've ours when we have those little sensitivities that cause us to remain as men in feminine energy is not serving the purposes of God to our families. Yeah.

Steve Hage [00:22:38]:
Yeah. I like that phrase, feminine energy. And masculine energy. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:22:42]:
I like that. Too many women are living in masculine energy. Yeah. And they don't know how to transition back into being women because they're working outside the home. So when you get home and let me tell you something. When 2 men are in the same proximity, they're gonna compete. Yes. So now the women are competing with the men.

Steve Alessi [00:22:59]:
The men are competing with the women because they're both in masculine energy, but only 1 has the plumbing. Yeah. Okay? And it's like, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. I'm not gonna if you don't transition into being a woman, then the man does. Oh, gosh.

Steve Alessi [00:23:15]:
And so it's the feminization of spiritual men Yeah. That get an ovation for being girls. Yep. Gotta stop. Yeah. And so, pastor, like you're a man's man. You're a confroner, you're a leader, you're a provider, you're a prayer, you're a studier, you're a preacher, you're a lover, but you ain't no girl. No, sir.

Steve Alessi [00:23:45]:
So somebody has to be the tuning fork for the community. Remember the apostle Paul, I think it's in the book of Galatians. He said, listen, I became like you. But now it's time for you to become like me. So there are times in the development of a faith community when the pastor has to act like the sheep, you're in there. You're doing whatever. You're But there comes a moment where the sheep have to start acting like the pastor. You're winking at stuff.

Steve Alessi [00:24:29]:
You're putting up with stuff. You're observing stuff. You're making provisions for stuff that shouldn't be going on. Blah blah blah, mindsets, attitudes, actions, opinions, all that. You're being like them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:41]:
Yeah. Yeah. Then there comes a point where the apostle Paul said, listen. Am I becoming your enemy because I'm telling you the truth? Mhmm. You would have plucked your eye out and given it to me. In other words, you would have, there was a time when you would give me the power of perspective.

Steve Hage [00:24:58]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:24:59]:
As the pastor, Let me set the perspective. Now I'm setting the perspective and I'm the enemy? Yeah. Say, woah. So this thing of sensitivity is a fruit of a root of allowing the wrong people to set our perspective as men. Yeah.

Steve Hage [00:25:27]:
Truth. I think I'm right. I think you are. And if somebody's willing, Especially our men. We'll get this to all of our good fellows, making sure they're getting this in their box so they can hear this Truth that you're sharing today.

Steve Alessi [00:25:43]:
Look. How great let me just say this. How great is it that God cared enough

Steve Hage [00:25:48]:
for you? If we can get them to

Steve Alessi [00:25:50]:
hear it, There's great revelation here. It'll change their lives. Go. So how God has made it his business for the men of metro of the metro family to have enlightenment concerning their masculinity By giving them a pastor by the name of Steve Alessi, he made it his business to deposit a spokesman for the masculinity of men to be celebrated, not tolerate it. That the ovation is for men acting like men and women acting like women. And that's you. So if if nothing else if you don't have anything else to offer, which you have a lot more than that to offer. But if that can have expression among the men of this community of faith, you're going to change the trajectory of legacy.

Steve Alessi [00:26:57]:
Mhmm. Yeah. So you remember the Bible says, God gave gifts to men. Apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers. How you treat the gift has a direct correlation to how you treat the gift giver. So how people treat you, not you, but your words, what you're carrying, what you're saying has everything to do with How God feels about when when we treat God's gift with value, God receives that as you valuing him. Because he gave you the gift.

Steve Hage [00:27:43]:
Gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We we have to muscle up on this. We gotta man up. We gotta make sure that, especially as men, we're not walking around with this air of offense. Because What I hate to see is when a guy can be challenged to be better, The messenger will pull back because he's immediately met with this offensive spirit That just is not open.

Steve Hage [00:28:20]:
And if we are, as it says, iron sharpening iron, That sharpening process isn't going to happen. And we know women can't sharpen us. Iron sharpens iron, And that's a very violent process if you've ever watched it. But I know this, if I'm met with a spirit of of offense, it's not worth my time or energy to have to push past that that spirit That is not strong enough to now handle the challenge that I believe, as a a a mouthpiece, As one who was put here on this planet for that very thing to be a mouthpiece and a communicator between God and man, I can't even do my job because you're met with this spirit of offense.

Steve Alessi [00:29:12]:
Okay. So iron sharpens iron, but lead can't sharpen lead. Okay. So when lead hits lead, it dents it. And so we got to get the lead out. And how do you know that you're lead and not iron because you refuse to be lead? You refuse to be led by iron and become iron and then get sharpened. The other thing is and you can you can we can talk about this more later if you want to. But I believe at some level, Accountability is the enemy of integrity.

Steve Alessi [00:29:50]:
So the Bible says that as long as the air is a child, he's not any different than a slave, But he's under tutors and managers until the date set by the father. So how do you know that you are an heir Who owns everything? But you still require somebody to help you manage your sin because you have to be talked out of your offense. You have to be talked out of your hurt. You gotta get talked out of your little whiny, you know, whatever. You you you're not manning up. Put your big boy pants on. As long as an heir is a child, he's not any different than a slave? Are we enslaved to our emotions, to our rejections, to our disappointments? Or do we have the integrity to move past having somebody help us manage our sin, manage our misses. So as long as we have accountability programs, we might be rescuing people from integrity, which says, I don't need you to ask me what kind of movies I'm watching.

Steve Hage [00:31:06]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:31:06]:
I don't need you to ask me how I'm treating my wife. Am I paying the bills? Am I spending time with my sons? Am I paying am I dating my daughters? I don't need somebody. I have the integrity that My season of accountability led me to. Accountability is not the goal. Integrity is. But as long as we're children and immature and don't know how to manage our emotions, we gotta have somebody helping us manage our emotions. But that's not the goal. The goal is I'm helping you manage your emotions.

Steve Alessi [00:31:40]:
So there's one day when I don't

Steve Hage [00:31:43]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:31:44]:
Have to help you manage your emotions. So we can help the other heirs that are immature, that they own everything, But they need managers and tutors. They need bus drivers rather than school teachers. Okay. So you got this whole thing going. So I believe that we have got to call men to integrity, not accountability. Accountability for a season, but you eventually have to step into managing your own emotions

Steve Hage [00:32:16]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:32:16]:
And your own proclivity toward negativity in your head. And and so you're great at this, calling us higher. Look. I I love you too much to leave you in this. This is what anyway.

Steve Hage [00:32:32]:
Hey. Sorry. No. That's all good, man. I had the chief of police, and, we got 32 different departments here in South Florida for police. I had the chief of police say to me the other day, I'm a be at church on Sunday. Well, he didn't show up. So Sunday afternoon, I text him, hey, man.

Steve Hage [00:32:48]:
You said you were gonna be here. It's everything cool. And he says, man, that's what I love about you. You hold me accountable. Wow. And we have to. Paige, great, great insight. Great episode, and I hope you were encouraged by the Family Business Podcast today.

Steve Hage [00:33:05]:
It was wonderful to have my friend, Steve Hage, but stay around. We may just have another podcast coming out real soon with the 2 of us. Thanks for joining us today.

Chris Alessi [00:33:14]:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at Anytime. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them And helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alessefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the Alessis Button, this is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations. Finally, while you're on our page, Tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts.

Chris Alessi [00:34:02]:
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