Feeling Small? How to Stop Being Intimidated Around Other People | S6 E21

Steve Alessi:
Don't feel intimidated. Don't be intimidated.

Mary Alessi:
No. I wrote that down. I actually just wrote I that that's how much I know you.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
I actually put that in the notes here. No. No. Well, you used to try.

Steve Alessi:
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the family business with the Alessis. Cheers to you. I got my coffee cup filled with nice hot coffee today, and I'm glad you're joining us because we're gonna be talking about things with Mary and I that we don't get to talk about much on Sundays. And today, because family is everybody's business, we feel like this discussion that I'm gonna let Mary give us a intro to in just a second, plays out in family environments as well as even in corporate professional and maybe even just friend environments when you're out in society. So today, I think you're gonna find this real inspiring, and I would encourage you as you look on the table in front of us. We've got great merch for our family business podcast, and we are actually wearing it on occasion, especially

Mary Alessi:
I love mine.

Steve Alessi:
I had my hoodie on the other day while I was outside with the chilly weather here in Miami. So, Mary, what are we gonna be looking at today?

Mary Alessi:
I'm excited about this. It's called, how do you deal with feeling intimidated?

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
When you walk through an experience into a room, maybe you're having a conversation with somebody and you feel small.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You feel afraid. What do you do with that feeling? And I wanted to talk about this because of a recent scenario. And you were telling me about it, and I thought, okay. Don't keep talking about it. We gotta get in the podcast booth, and we have to talk about this. Because you and I over the years have both dealt with the many layers of intimidation all throughout our years. And when you're young, it can really weigh on you, and you don't know how to identify that it is intimidation that you're feeling.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
But you were telling me just yesterday, you had to go down to our government center and and go through a ceremony with some police officers and that you could just feel how many of them were dealing with such a we call it a spirit because it is a spirit. Right. But just that feeling of being intimidated in the room they're in.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And even the people that have the badge and the authority and have gone to school and done the training Yeah. You were able in that moment to say to one particular pretty high up

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Go over and shake everybody's hand.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Take the room. Lead the room. And that is something that someone who's dealt with intimidation over the years Mhmm. Can absolutely give instruction to.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Now I think I think right away, we need to bring this to where families at so it's just not corporate because immediately No.

Mary Alessi:
It's true.

Steve Alessi:
The the examples in my mind go to the corporate setting when Right. Both of us are on a platform somewhere and we're feeling intimidated.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So first, intimidation is really a matter of just feeling small.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So you look at others in the room, you think they're bigger

Mary Alessi:
Or they know

Steve Alessi:
more. Mature. Mhmm. Yeah. They're more knowledgeable. Mhmm. And you feel less than, so you feel small.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
It could happen with young kids. If somebody's dealing with acne at an early age and walk into a room wherever all the others are not and their skin is flawless. It's easy to feel intimidated.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Weight over the years, being husky when I was growing up, getting around athletes could feel intimidated. Yes. So this is something that young people deal with. Of course, couples will struggle with it. I can remember some of the challenges that you and I had early on with, our marriage Mhmm. Or being around other couples, it's easy to, start comparing, saying to your spouse, hey. I wish you were like so and so. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And then when you're around so and so, it's easy for that spouse to feel intimidated because they've been compared to that person.

Mary Alessi:
Well, his wife doesn't do that, and Yeah. Her husband isn't that way.

Steve Alessi:
And then you get around there, her husband or his wife, and you realize, oh, I feel less than because look what they do. So you it's easy to feel intimidated there. Plus, it's easy to feel intimidated, especially in the career setting

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
When you're around the higher ups. Yeah. And so being 63 years of age and you at your beautiful age where you're at, we've learned

Mary Alessi:
I'm 55. I'll be 56 at the end of February. I'm okay. I'm not intimidated by age anymore.

Steve Alessi:
We've been in plenty of environments Yes. Where Yeah. We've had to deal with intimidating. Because you just can't say to somebody, don't feel intimidated. Don't be intimidated.

Mary Alessi:
No. I wrote that down. I actually just wrote I that that's how much I know you.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
I actually put that in the notes

Steve Alessi:
here. Intimidating?

Mary Alessi:
No. No. Well, you used to try. Oh. But I wrote that down. The usual response is to just say, well, just don't be intimidated.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Ridiculous.

Mary Alessi:
That's ridiculous because you are intimidated. It does make you feel small. You know, other areas that can make you feel small? Your in laws. If you don't feel like you measure up, you can really struggle with your in laws. And if and in our culture, sadly, it is true. European culture, Italians do it, Hispanics do it. Their children are the greatest gift to the world. And we all feel that way about our kids, obviously.

Mary Alessi:
But sometimes we don't understand as in law parents, you can make your in law kid feel very intimidated that they're not enough for you and for your child. And that's that's a tough one. And then it it can really affect the marriage that you have with your spouse because of the things you think your in laws are expecting that they might not be.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
So, again, to just say don't be intimidated is ridiculous.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
We have to understand that you're going to feel that way. And when you do feel that way, there are some practicals that you can operate in that really do kill that feeling and build your confidence and build your courage.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. If you're drawing a vision, you're you're joining us this year in in thinking about a vision for your life, where you wanna be down the road, where you wanna be a year from now, where you wanna be 5 years from now, and you struggle with a little bit of that intimidation, then, put that in your on in your vision. You put it out there. I I'm gonna be secure, confident. And when I'm tempted to feel intimidated, I'm going to address it. Yep. I won't be that person that's always intimidated. You gotta put that in because I think for myself, just, the experience in my life that made me, where I deal with it the most is is in my profession.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Because my profession has us on platforms all the time. Your profession has as well. And I can tell the story for you when you had to deal with it on a massive stage, but I would deal with it because I'd get around people that had tremendous, communications gifts, and they had revelation gift. And they were great when it came to hitting that pulpit. Now they weren't so good behind closed doors, but they were great up there.

Mary Alessi:
That's right. They're a mess behind the scenes.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So I would immediately wanna compare myself to that. And then when I would be put in that environment in front of them, because now they're sitting in the pew while I'm on the platform. Man, that spirit of intimidation starts to hit. Right. And I can remember one time feeling so small that I'm I'm I feel lost in the middle of my message, and I'm looking around literally. I'm like, I wish there was a trapdoor somewhere on this platform so I can just disappear because I felt like I was bombing, and it was all because of intimidation. It wasn't because I didn't I couldn't do my thing and I didn't have the information to communicate.

Steve Alessi:
It was all this intimidation that was speaking louder to me than I would even say the spirit of God who's leading me to say certain things. I was listening to the voices of intimidation more so than what I needed to say and what I knew I could communicate. Years, I remember being on that stage

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Where you had 2 heavyweight ministers.

Mary Alessi:
Artists. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That you had to go in and kinda do cleanup.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I felt like they had called the wrong person. Like, I was not that's I was not the one they intentionally meant to have come sing with these 2 big artists in the middle of. 1 opened, the other 1 closed, and I was in the middle. And I I the whole time I'm thinking, did they really need to call somebody else? Did they think I'm somebody else? Why did they call me? And I had to walk through that door. And you I'd always seen you as a person that just wasn't intimidated because men try not to show that. Like, men don't want to ever admit that they're feeling intimidated. And I didn't wanna admit it, but I was feeling tremendous intimidation. And I can tell you what got me through that moment was getting up knowing that I couldn't compete with the others and I didn't have to.

Mary Alessi:
And just be you, Mary. Just get up there and just do what you do and don't try in your mind to think competitively. Because that's the worst thing you can do when you're dealing with being intimidated because now it's like a one up ism. I'm gonna one up and then you just look stupid. Because you feel small and now you're acting small. And the best thing to do is just go, hey. People will fall in love with you and you'll trump anybody that's even trying to intimidate you by going, I'm not even trying to compete with you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that kills that that mindset of intimidation that you you battle on the inside. And I remember I just got up and I thought, well, I I don't have a band with me. They've all got bands. I don't have singers with me. They've all got singers. I'm just gonna sing with 1 keyboard player and just sing.

Steve Alessi:
Put tracks.

Mary Alessi:
And I didn't use my tracks because I knew that couldn't compete with what a live band would do. So I looked at my MD and I said, do not hit the track. We're just gonna sing here. And it was the best thing I could have ever done because that's what I do when I'm alone by myself. And I just brought the best part of me, the part that I feel the most comfortable with.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that resonated in that room, and it taught me a valuable lesson

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That if I walk through big doors and I'm trying to be a big dog, it's it's it's not gonna work out for me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Then you got that spirit of competition

Mary Alessi:
That's what it leads to.

Steve Alessi:
On you. But when it comes to that intimidation, I think, ultimately, Mary, it's, you put that out because you know, we say it's a spirit. It is. A spirit is manifested. You put out that you're intimidated.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And it's really, it's you tell on yourself. It's like when they they say, alright. Go up to that horse. You're gonna get on that horse and ride the horse, but don't don't let the horse know that you're nervous.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Well, that's stupid. The horse is 10 times heavier than I am, much bigger than I am. My heartbeat. It's feeling it knows I'm afraid of it to a certain degree, but they tell you, don't be afraid. Right. Get on it and act confident.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
If you're gonna tell a horse to go forward or pull on his reins, don't just, you know, barely pull. Yank those chains. If you're gonna go forward, kick it and give it a nice kick in the side. Sometimes when it comes to intimidation, you gotta be willing to say, I may be intimidated in this moment, but like you said, Mara, I'm just gonna go with my strength. That's it.

Mary Alessi:
Where where do I feel comfortable?

Steve Alessi:
Who am I?

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And when it comes to the platform for me over the years, I've just had to say, look. I know there's people that are better communicators than me. That's fine. Yeah. But not too many of them are better people than I

Mary Alessi:
am. Right.

Steve Alessi:
Better men than I am.

Mary Alessi:
Better fathers,

Steve Alessi:
husbands, pastors, anything. Things that come together. So I'm gonna be okay with where I'm strong, but I'm also gonna be okay with where I'm not that strong.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And not let my weakness or those areas that I'm not that strong in cause me to feel less than, but that's a head game. Yeah. So I'm talking to myself while I'm on the horse. No. Be confident. Be positive. Kick this baby. Pull those reins.

Steve Alessi:
Go. Speak with authority. Go forward because it helps me then deal with the intimidation.

Mary Alessi:
And I think that's the part I want you to speak even more to because you walk in the doors since we started our church, and we had just a handful of people. You made it your business to get into the Doral community. And I know we wanna talk about families and and we we will. We'll we'll circle back. But this is also very important for every man, every father who is out there hitting the pavement every single day and is feeling small, and then he comes home and he doesn't know how to communicate, man, my environment beats me up. I feel so inadequate. Or maybe they feel inadequate as a dad or as a husband. And you I've watched you overcome in every season those moments to the practical side of that.

Mary Alessi:
Like, when we started the podcast, you your first thought was to tell this young man that you knew was afraid, go over right now and shake everybody's hand. Don't wait for anybody to come shake your hands. You go over and you take the room. I have watched you do that, and I would just follow behind you because I was intimidated in rooms with pretty prominent people. And you'd walk in the room and just go over and make yourself known was never obnoxious, and it wasn't a, hey, come see me. I wanna be seen. You never did that. But you were just always kind and and it would release everybody else to not be intimidated and and go, oh, thank god.

Mary Alessi:
Someone's over here talking. Because I'm terrified. And it would just release that, but you would initiate. You'd walk through the room in many settings where we'd have there'd be politicians there and we didn't know anybody, but we were invited to be there. And there's hundreds of people and everybody's trying to jockey for position to get up to the mayor, to get up to the governor, and you never did that, you'd go over and meet every police officer that was in that room and shake their hand. And now when you walk in any of the Doral board meetings chamber, any gathering we have, those police officers walk over to you and shake your hand. And I'm bragging a little bit because

Steve Alessi:
you are. Appreciate it.

Mary Alessi:
I know, knowing you, what you've had to overcome, the the self talk to get into a room that is important, not for you, but for your church, for for our community. You wanted to make sure that your voice was heard, but that you were also a resource. Intimidation can keep us from being a huge resource to the environment around us

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
When we're just intimidated by it. Yeah. But then we can bring that home as a dad, as a mom, and it's it's kind of the eggshells that are below the surface that that we don't know, but it's it's bugging us and it's just an intimidating feeling we're having on our environment, our our job, and it's killing us. And then we get petty, and then we point fingers, and we when we blame, when really it's just a lack of confidence.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
So even speaking to that, how to overcome that?

Steve Alessi:
You know, when I I think when when we're in an environment, any environment, we have to let let me say it. When we're in the environment where we start to sense there's intimidation there on our part, and we're feeling small, we feel like we don't belong, we have to remind ourselves of who who we are Yeah. And and what we do bring to the table. Okay? Who we are, what we do bring to the table, is is, helps us at least say, I don't have to be that, but I'm this. So growing up, our son was, he he was kinda soft.

Mary Alessi:
Sensitive.

Steve Alessi:
No. And and no. Physically, he was soft. He he was he was not a football player. He wasn't the rough tumble football player to get out there on the field and

Mary Alessi:
Oh, as a little boy. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
As a little boy. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
As a little boy.

Steve Alessi:
Growing up, he just wasn't that guy. He he wasn't out there, you know, running after somebody just to to take them out. Really, you know, one thing to tackle them I mean, take them out. Just take their head off. He he wasn't that aggressive. Right. So when he was in school, he had a couple of guys who were like that start to pick on him and and bully him. And in particular, there was 1 guy that I knew if Chris did not stand up to somehow, then it Chris would be forever this guy's punching bag because he was just rude and obnoxious.

Mary Alessi:
He was a bully.

Steve Alessi:
He was what I would have been without a strong father Yeah. K?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Growing up when I was in middle school and high school, especially high school. So he, he came home and he told me the guy did something to him. After, like, 3rd time, my my instinct was to say, well, Chris, turn around. Just punch him in the mouth. And that was not going to resolve this issue with Chris because he was not the punch you in the mouth kinda kid. So I said to Chris, Chris, just talk just talk your way out of it. You're really good with your your words.

Mary Alessi:
Amazing even as kids.

Steve Alessi:
You're you're quick witted.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Say something

Mary Alessi:
You're so smart. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi:
To to talk your way out of it so that you can live to fight another day. Yeah. Because these bullies don't just don't go away overnight. So talk your way out of it. Do whatever you need to do. And if you gotta start making fun of him, make fun of him to to disarm him.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Or you're either you're either gonna disarm him or you're gonna make him so mad that he's gonna finally hit you, and then we're gonna

Mary Alessi:
get the

Steve Alessi:
kid expelled. Right. Okay? Because you can't be he can't be doing that to you. What I was trying to say to Chris was don't go toe to toe. Right. Just play to your strengths

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
And lean into those strengths because, Chris, he may be stronger than you, but he's not better than you.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because, most likely, the reason he's acting like a bully is because he doesn't have the humor, the wit, the fun loving way that you are. So he's gotta pull you down a little bit. So you you kinda match wits with wits and that his wit is his he's gonna push you around, bully you, threaten you. But your wit is you can make fun of yourself and you can make fun of him. Right. You can bring other people into it by Make

Mary Alessi:
somebody laugh.

Steve Alessi:
Make somebody laugh Yeah. And you can change and And disarm the whole thing. That's it. So that ultimately is what happened. The point there about intimidation is play to your strengths.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
What are you good at? So you go to your mother in law's, and she's making you feel less than or your father-in-law, you're feeling intimidated being around them because they're so good at this. You're so controlling here or there. Hey. Step back for a minute and say, what are you good at? Right. And whatever you're good at, be comfortable with that. Okay. You may not cook, but can you clean? So when it comes time to clean the kitchen, get up there and clean the kitchen. Do your thing.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Don't compare yourself. Feel intimidated that you can't put a bread casserole together like she can or or whatever that may look like. Go over and clean. You know? Do something that you feel that you're good at, and don't be intimidated and sit there on the couch dreading Yeah. The moment you get there to the moment you leave, you can't wait till you get out. Yep. Be be okay with that. Alright.

Steve Alessi:
So you're young and you do have, acne. Yeah. That that may be the case, but you're probably pretty smart.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Lean into your studies. Maybe you're a musician. You're you're a little nerdy compared to the athlete. Lean into that. Don't be don't let the athlete or those who are different than you intimidate you. Lean into what you are strong in. So you would say, I can walk into an environment and not be intimidated. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I'm intimidated. But I say to myself, I have a role to play in these people's lives, and my role to play is one that's spiritual. And if it's spiritual, it means I'm not gonna be up there competing with what they're doing right now in a professional environment.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So I don't have to do that and be intimidated. When I would get up to pray in front of them, yeah, there's always a little intimidation. But then I would say to myself, but I'm me. I know how to talk to God in a personal way, and I know how to make everybody listen to me in this prayer Right. Feel like, okay. God is speaking to them too, and I'm down to earth. Right. I'm a human.

Steve Alessi:
I'm real. I'm authentic. I want them to know that part of me. Now I don't have the long, eloquent prayers. You're not gonna see me on somebody's social media fee standing before congress and opening up in a word of prayer. I'm okay over here in Doral or at the city of Miami, wherever I'm asked to do it, and I'm a be okay with that. And then when I say amen, I'm a walk around walk away and go sit in my seat because that's what I was there for.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Play to play to my strength. The point is, whoever you're whatever you're strong at, when you enter any environment where you're starting to feel intimidated, don't try to compete with the person. Right. Just know this is where I'm strong, and when my contribution is needed, I'll be there.

Mary Alessi:
That's right. I and I think what, to sum that up, the 2 things you can be processing and thinking in your mind when you're feeling intimidated in any setting at all, doesn't matter what it is, like all the examples we've given. When you're feeling that, play to your strengths, relax, and don't compete. Don't go there to that competitive nature. I'm not competitive by nature, but I have found over the years when I do feel intimidated, that's gets stirred up in me, and it makes me start believing I have to bring something to the table that I don't have to bring. And it just makes me feel irritated and angry. And then my expectation meters off. They expect this of me, and they expect that of me.

Mary Alessi:
Well, that's not who I am, And you just get a bad attitude really quick. And that can happen with family members the most. And it's so important to know the self talk in those moments to overcome that intimidation. I am who I am and I'm happy who I am. Hey, I'm open for for input. I'm humble enough. If something's off, tell me. But I'm not gonna get into a spirit of competition.

Mary Alessi:
You know where else this happens? In, friendship relationships, new friendships. And we find that even in the church when new young couples or, college age and it's always when you're younger that you just struggle. And if you don't get a grip on it well, let's put it this way. Getting in a grip on it in your twenties is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Because if you don't, it will follow you through every season, through every relationship, through every job, through every door you walk in, and we believe God wants to take you up levels. You know, he's not satisfied to just keep you in the status quo. He wants to see you go higher in your life. Well, that's gonna require you've gotta face down intimidation and you've gotta get good at it.

Mary Alessi:
You've gotta be willing to say, okay that environment intimidated me. And that's another issue. We don't want to admit that we're intimidated.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And when we don't admit we're intimidated, ego takes over and now we just look stupid. So it's just better to say, I feel intimidated by this. I don't need to be. And here's my self talk. I'm enough. What I bring to the table is good. What is it I bring to the table? Do that. Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. I'm good at getting coffee. I'm I'm good at serving. I'm good at bringing clarity to this moment. I'm good at just being sweet and being humble. I'm good at that.

Steve Alessi:
And it's true.

Mary Alessi:
And it is true, and it's a gift.

Steve Alessi:
You you here's the thing. We're not asking you to have this self talk to deceive yourself, fake it till you make it kind of a thing. No. It's true.

Mary Alessi:
It's the truth.

Steve Alessi:
Everybody has something that they contribute to the environment, to the family, to the community, to their workplace.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
We all have something.

Mary Alessi:
All of us.

Steve Alessi:
And even in our church world, if we believe what the Bible says that, you know, the foot hand can't say to the foot you're not needed, just just try that or try the foot telling the hand you're not needed. What he's even in the Bible, it tells us there's all of us are members of the body like we are physical body. We got toes. We got feet. We got knees. We got shoulders. We we got ears. We're all a part of something, which means we can contribute.

Steve Alessi:
So that intimidation, quite frankly, is just an enemy trying to keep you insecure. Now here's what I would say. If you're if you can be intimidated, then sometimes you can be intimidating. You know?

Mary Alessi:
Too much on the save wavelength. That was the next thing I was gonna talk to you or ask you to

Steve Alessi:
talk about. Okay. Ask. No.

Mary Alessi:
No. You you said it. When you are you become intimidating, but it's not in you're not intimidating, you're confident.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. So you you gotta be sensitive to that.

Mary Alessi:
You do.

Steve Alessi:
So when, you know, again, walk into a room, sit down with my kids, talking to guys up at camp. I'm always reminded that my body language is saying one thing. Right. And I want it to. I wanted to say confident. But they've always said to me from college on, they always said, you know, you're just cocky. Yeah. And I always took it to work.

Steve Alessi:
No. It's because I'm from Miami, and all of you all are southern. You know? You're from Georgia, and you're coming down to that school in Lakeland.

Mary Alessi:
Good ol' boys.

Steve Alessi:
You're just good old boys. You don't know, and it's just the city. You know? I was but if you wanted to define cocky, I probably was it because I would sometimes have to overcompensate.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And that's

Mary Alessi:
what you come across as when you do that. Yes.

Steve Alessi:
So this whole intimidation thing is if you could be intimidated because of your insecurity, then you can come across as intimidating on occasion, putting people in, uncomfortable environments, and you never wanna sow that seed. You never wanna do that because, as they say, what goes around comes around. So the point is you've gotta figure out a way to be secure in who you are Yeah. And be okay with who you are. Talk yourself out of who you're not Right. Because you're comparing yourself to other people, and then be able to realize now when I'm around other people that I may be intimidating too. Let me do my best to try to be as transparent and honest and real and open as possible.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Come over here. Shake my hand. Right. Come here. Let me hug you a minute.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
You know? Hey. High five. Great. How's it going? Cool. And, you know, the one one of the reasons I can move around the room pretty quick, Mary, is because I'm limited to what I'm going to say. Hey. How are you doing? Great. Wonderful.

Steve Alessi:
You? Yeah. I'm good. And church is good. Yeah. How's how's the job? Great. Your kids? Family? Wonderful. Praying for you. See you.

Steve Alessi:
I'm out.

Mary Alessi:
You know? And let me just say

Steve Alessi:
because I'm not good at going too deep with my brain shuts off, so that's my limitation.

Mary Alessi:
But, see, you also call that out about yourself even in public. And every time you do it, there's 10 people in the room going, oh my god. I'm the same way. Oh, lord. Oh, I I don't know how to do small talk. I don't know how to work this room.

Steve Alessi:
Meanwhile, you can work a freaking room.

Mary Alessi:
And I hate it. You I mean, you know what I'm saying.

Steve Alessi:
But you're all over the place, but you actually get caught up in conversation.

Mary Alessi:
I do. I can stand with 1 person. You float around like I love you. Muhammad Ali.

Steve Alessi:
That's a good point. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Look like a butterfly sting like a bee.

Steve Alessi:
There you go. You got that.

Mary Alessi:
But, you know, the lesson here is teach your kids young. Teach them young not to be intimidated by anything or anybody. And not from a cocky position.

Steve Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
Not, don't you be intimidated by her. No. So you that is a very normal response to be afraid and to be intimidated.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. It is.

Mary Alessi:
And you're gonna feel that all your life. You you feel you see what you just felt there by that girl in school or that boy in school or that teacher or that other parent? You see what you just felt there? Yep. You're gonna be dealing with that your whole life. Let me show you how to deal with it. Mhmm. You don't have to compete. Don't get angry at that person. They're not trying to make you feel small.

Mary Alessi:
On the inside of you, you have to grow. And you have to learn to be confident in who you are. And what's for you? Receive it. If it's not for you, just move on in your life. And don't get stuck on anything or anybody, no person, place, or thing that made you feel small. Let's work on why you feel small.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
Deal with that because that's ultimately who's responsible for all of this.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I am. Yep. Not the person who's trying to intimidate me or that I think is trying to intimidate me. Listen, in the girl world, let me tell you. We can walk in the room and think we've read it, and we know, oh, that girl over there, she thinks she's all that, and she's got the Dyson hair blow dryer, and she her hair's perfect, and she's got money, and she's got yeah. That girl. I mean, that is the world we live in as girls. Petty, petty, petty, petty.

Mary Alessi:
And all it is is I feel small, small, small.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That girl makes me feel like I'm uglier, I'm fatter, I'm shorter, I'm not with it, and she didn't even open her mouth. She didn't even say a word to us. Mhmm. But yet we'll we know. Oh, we know. And 9 times out of 10, that girl is feeling just as small.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And the reason she's wearing all that makeup and doing all that hair and dressing that way is because she's trying to compete in a world she doesn't really need to compete in.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And it sets off a domino effect of now everybody feels crappy in the room.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But when you can teach your kids young, listen, reject that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That person's not trying to make you feel bad.

Steve Alessi:
Mm-mm.

Mary Alessi:
Maybe there's something in them. Go over and talk to them and befriend them. We don't see enough movies about this. There's not enough resource out there to really teach our kids because that's on us. Mhmm. To teach our children not to be so defensive when somebody makes your kid feel small. Deal with your kid as to why they feel small.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Make it about them and their response, not always about the external, but their internal processes of how they see themselves.

Steve Alessi:
Very good. Well, I'm glad we hit this subject. This is

Mary Alessi:
a good one.

Steve Alessi:
Because you know what's really intimidating to me? What? When somebody comes up to me, starts speaking to me in Spanish, and I think I have to speak back to them in Spanish because I can't get my initials

Mary Alessi:
from them. It in masculine or feminine romance and they correct you. I know.

Steve Alessi:
I I don't know. But, hey. We're doing it because we're living in South Florida, and in spite of the intimidation, we're still enjoying life. Well, we hope today has encouraged you. Don't be intimidated. Embrace your strengths. Thanks for joining the family business.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the family business podcast with the Alessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our audience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. 1st, make sure you're following our podcast right now, and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. 2nd, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. 3rd, go to alesse family business .com and tap the ask the Alessis button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voice mail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab, and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us, and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business.